Tuesday, March 17, 2015


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Today I am writing about the value of beauty.

I noticed the beauty of the world this morning while taking a ride in a taxi cab.  I noticed the way sunlight was touching so many things...trees, the now visible grass so recently covered by winter's snow, windows, cars passing by on the highway and the sky itself.  And I noticed that I was noticing these qualities of the morning.  I felt very...alive.

I first tried out EMDR therapy in the summer of 2013.  Nearly two years has passed.  But I still find myself frequently experiencing moments of awe.  Sometimes I wonder how I could have missed so much of the world outside of my own skin.  My appreciation of the beauty of the world thus occasionally, and ironically, leads me down a path to sadness.  And then I find myself wondering how I reached a dark place by first noticing beautiful light.  But then I subsequently realize it's something of a natural response for me.  When an incorrect perception of the world outside your body alters your sense of the world for so long it can take a while to adjust to seeing the world clearly.  Even healthy change can bring us to unexpected and unwanted encounters with pain.

I find myself feeling an appreciation for the beauty of men I have not often previously felt so strongly.  I didn't feel myself really allowed to vocalize my appreciation of such beauty when I was a teenager.  Of course I was a teenager in the late 1980s and early 1990s.  And I grew up in Texas.  The culture of the state had a deep strain of homophobia at that time.  I didn't feel I could acknowledge what was growing within me while still living with my father.  He had too much fear within him.  My sense of his limitations would be confirmed years later when he handled my disclosure regarding my sexuality as badly as I had expected he would.

So sometimes I have this feeling that I am coming out all over again.  But this time the 'coming out' is a coming out...into...life.  To leave behind a veil that had long cast a shadow upon your eyesight is truly a remarkable gift.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!