Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Three Percent

Wednesday, September 30, 2015


Today was one of those days when I gave everything I did my all. When I began recharging my laptop at home the battery had 3% of its capacity. The depleted battery is a good metaphor for this day; I feel quite exhausted as I recount the day near its end. My last commitment was my appointment with my therapist.

I feel excited about the direction my life is moving. September is ending. Autumn is upon us. I'm becoming increasingly engaged in the organization I now work for. There have been many positive developments that took place in the single month of September alone.

The most interesting aspect of my session this evening was describing how I experience a state of wonder more typical of a boy. It's a brave new world each and every day.




Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Lost Wonder...Regained

Tuesday, September 29, 2015


"People who had extremely difficult childhoods, or had their adolescence cut short in some way, find that they can recapture their lost years. There are many ways one can 'lose' one's childhood or adolescence. An abused child is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence. There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all."

~ Saturn in Transit by Erin Sullivan


The above quote is taken from a section in Erin Sullivan's book that describes something not uncommon among those who reach the age range of 45 to 52. You may have guessed that the book I reference explores the topic of astrology. It indeed does. Some people are skeptical of the validity of astrology. That is all fine and good. I was skeptical myself. But being truly open-minded (and maybe also open-hearted?) means being willing to entertain ideas you might initially be resistant to. In the fourteen years since I first studied astrology as a hobby of "serious" inquiry I have come to believe there is something very real to this particular field of inquiry.

I shared this particular quote from Sullivan's book because it comes into my own thoughts so often. Throughout the last twenty-seven months of my life I have made a journey of psychic exploration. My exploration has been defined by my resolute determination to explore the core of who I am. I have enjoyed the assistance of many helpers throughout my journey. My therapist has proven to be an especially helpful guide. Trauma invaded the fertile ground of my psyche at a very young age. It was only in the last two years, as I have unfurled the coil of its imprint inside me, that I came to a much fuller appreciation of how deeply I was indeed impacted by what I experienced. EMDR therapy proved to be the primary therapeutic tool whose use allowed me to traverse the contours of my own inner life...and eventually lead me to a profound realization: I perceived the world around me in a distorted way from a very young age.

There is nothing about my daily experience of utilizing my eyesight that feels identical to how I perceived the world with my eyes prior to June, 2013. The change I underwent was that profound. I experienced the equivalent of walking through a doorway I could and would never be able to walk back through in the opposite direction. I experienced a permanent change. I walked through a door of irreversibility.

I recently began driving again for the first time in over four years. My lack of recent driving history is not due to a lack of being willing to drive. Though I don't exactly fit into the typical American culture that places immense emphasis on the personal freedom and glory of owning a car I nonetheless do appreciate the way car ownership opens up a much larger world. I have noticed that my experience of driving is also now very different. I see the world with what seems to be a new pair of eyes from behind the windshield of my car.

I am experiencing an atypical phenomenon. It is lost wonder...regained. I am a man well into my adulthood who is now experiencing wonder on a daily basis. Such wonder, made possible by my new relationship with my eyesight, feels more typical of a six year old boy. I am experiencing the wonder a boy is expected to display in response to the world around him but I am experiencing it a few decades "late".

As I drove home from dinner at the home of a friend my whole experience of driving felt both familiar and alien. I can remember when I drove as a younger man. The night has a different quality now. I perceive the night (and the day) differently now. I see the lights of cars passing me traveling in the opposite direction in a way I can never recall experiencing before. In the first hours of darkness after dusk has passed away I witness the interplay of streetlights and shadow on the still foliated trees in such a manner that I often feel amazed by. I cannot recall experiencing such awe earlier in my life!

I seem to be a man dislocated in both space and time. The trajectory of my development is something atypical. I am not your "average" (what does that even mean?) man. I have become someone else.

When wonder casts its power into our lives in such an unexpected time and place we may very well become permanently changed people.

......

I saw the moon rising as I drove home tonight. It was full very recently and still appears virtually full early this evening. When I first noticed the moon I felt the air catch in my throat. I felt the moon issuing me an invitation: 'Through my light take a moment to appreciate the contrast of the darkness that surrounds me.'

The world is incredibly filled with light. Did you notice it today?



Monday, September 28, 2015

Moving Up And Moving On

Monday, September 28, 2015


Today was a long but productive day. I feel myself rapidly moving on to the next phase of my life.

Among other things I had a good conversation regarding my professional future. And, on a related note, my enthusiasm is back. I feel enthusiastic about my future prospects and excited that my energy is so much better than it was.

The generosity of other people has been crucial in helping me to reach this point.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Revelations At The Library

Sunday, September 27, 2015


Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back — concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.


Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

~ Goethe




Roseville, Minnesota, the community of my current residence, does not strike me as an overly exciting place. I heard the familiar drone of Friday night high school football when I arrived home the other evening. In some way hearing such sounds remind me I am very much living within the borders of the United States. Friday night football is a very American tradition.

The quietude I associate with Roseville stands in stark contrast to what I have experienced at the Ramsey County public library on this Sunday afternoon. It has been an eventful day! I finally was able to articulate, in fairly clear prose, what I would like to do in my future professional life once my current commitment ends approximately August 1, 2016. I want to relocate to Hawaii and synthesize my passions for the beauty of the world and human development with my skills in research, community engagement, education and writing.

For the longest time I felt creatively...hindered. Artists would perhaps call it something like writing block. I simply could not clearly visualize what I wanted to do next. And I still do not have "absolute" clarity now. I don't know what sorts of doors of opportunity may open up to me now that I have a clearer vision of which professional doors I want to go knocking on. But at least I am much closer to manifesting the reality I want to create now that I can more clearly declare what I want. A waiter cannot take your order until you know what you want. And the Universe cannot deliver unto you that which you desire until you can clearly articulate your desire. To manifest something grand a special alchemy of visualization and action must combine together.

As an act of good faith that I will find my way to where I want to be I am sharing some of the fruits of my imaginative labors. What appears below is taken directly from a document I have been writing for the last two years. The document has served as my "site" to reflect and imagine what I would like to do in my professional life in the future. Here it is:


PROFESSIONAL PURPOSE STATEMENT:

My professional purpose is to inspire appreciation, exploration and conservation of the natural environment and thereby facilitate the enjoyment and sustainable management of the natural world as well as its diverse human cultures.

What job responsibilities could my ideal position specifically include?
  • I work to inspire young people of diverse backgrounds to take an active interest in the marine environment.
  •  I assist organizations to get youth out into the marine environment where they can explore and learn more about the world around them.
  •  I help educate people about the phenomenon of marine protected areas and their value as a conservation tool.
  • I arrange special programming (field trips, research experiences, tours of the facilities of partner organizations committed to similar missions) for youth. I also occasionally assist as a guide and instructor as needed.
  • I introduce individuals and organizations to sites of cultural, historical and environmental significance for the purpose of educating and inspiring appreciation and conservation of such sites.



If you want to create something amazing find a good way to "shout it out" to the world at large. Announce yourself and your purpose to your friends and family. In doing so that which you need to realize your vision may begin to flow to you.



Saturday, September 26, 2015

My Vision Clarifies

Saturday, September 26, 2015


The last forty-eight hours have been quite eventful.

I attended a day of events offered by the Youth Intervention Programs Association yesterday. While at the venue site I found myself feeling very inspired by the presentations given. Of all the words shared one sentence spoken early on remains with me: "Nobody wins when our youth fail."

I never really seriously imagined making youth education and empowerment a major focus of my professional life in years past. But I have begun to think anew in recent weeks and months. My journey of recovery these past twenty-seven months thoroughly shook up the contours of my previous life. I allowed myself to begin contemplating personal and professional possibilities I had never really contemplated before. My "out of the box" thinking has now landed me in a new place. I find myself on the cusp of a new journey defined by new values, new interests and new aspirations.

A vision of my future work that I can bring immense passion to began to finally clarify for me yesterday. I felt amazed and a little overwhelmed when the imagery began to vividly appear in my imagination. And this is what I saw: I saw myself applying my skills in research, community engagement, education and writing to inspire young people to take an interest in marine conservation in Hawaii. I specifically saw myself using my eyesight to do research of the marine environment...and then engage young people in such work. One tangible possibility I felt drawn to was getting young people in Hawaii excited about marine protected areas in general and the United States national marine sanctuary system.

Now, one day later, I feel a bit like I did on the day after I received the diagnosis of PTSD in late June, 2013. I feel...powerfully impacted and changed. And I feel excited! Yesterday it felt as if my future reached backwards in time into the present moment and announced itself to me.


Thursday, September 24, 2015

Powerful Change

Thursday, September 24, 2015


It's been five days since I last wrote here in my blog. Days have a way of passing by in a blur now. I have become so busy with my "new" life that it's easy to arrive home at the end of the day and feel so exhausted that I simply cannot motivate myself to sit before my computer and write. There are some days when I feel badly that my fatigue ultimately proves more powerful than my passion. But change, any change, has a way of challenging our existing routines. And I have been undergoing a lot of change lately.

Here is the positive material. In meeting with my therapist yesterday I found myself "complete" with my own material so early in the session that I actually asked my therapist to further describe the life of another client he originally mentioned for the purpose of drawing a parallel to my own life. The fact that I asked to hear more details about the challenges faced by another human being who is a complete stranger to me convinced me that something has fundamentally shifted in my own life. That I am willing to spend some portion of time in a session dedicated to my own wellness hearing about the life of someone I have no emotional connection to tells me that I am quite healthy now. When no amount of  human suffering inspires an empathic response we can correctly surmise that we ourselves have become quite hardened. When the plight of complete strangers interests us it must mean our hearts have some softness still in them.

I continue to enjoy my job working for a local non-profit organization focused on assisting homeless youth. I have been rather careful to not identify the organization I work with on my Facebook page because I still harbor some fear that some local people whose behavior two years ago proved highly offensive and even deeply harmful to me may find it somehow not highly inappropriate to meddle in my life even now and make more trouble for me. While I know it can be easy for me to slip into a mindset of deep mistrust (this can come easily to me due to the trauma I experienced which I have recounted elsewhere here in my blog) without good cause I feel it wise to be careful, even now, due to what happened back then. And something else that happened last night convinced me all the more that my cautious approach is warranted. Now it's time for the unpleasant material.

I learned last night that what happened two years ago may still be impacting the quality of my life as well as my prospects even now. My landlord apparently heard from some people we mutually know in the time since I moved in early August. These people apparently did not give me glowing character references. I suspect some of these individuals might have some sort of association with the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus. I can only speculate because I was given no actual names. I don't have the impression that any false information was provided about me. And yet I nonetheless have the impression that other people's wrong impressions about what happened in 2013 and 2014 still may be unjustly coloring the way they think about me and speak about me to others. Incorrect impressions are something I can understand. Deliberate lies and vicious gossip are not something I can understand or respect. Deliberate lies and malicious gossip can destroy people's lives. It is my impression that such poor behavior may still be a somewhat common aspect of the behavior of some of the membership of the aforementioned organization.

It's an unfortunate truism that gay people have a somewhat deserved reputation for being extremely vicious and malignant when they perceive themselves to be harmed. You could call it the Vicious Queen Syndrome. I say somewhat deserved because (thankfully) not all adult gay people act like intolerant, spoiled, self-important teenagers or bratty five year old children. But there are all too many gay people who do. And I feel I have already met my share of them. And I have certainly already dated my "fair" share of liars, jerks and the incredibly self-important. And I wish my future life to exclude such nonsense. I prefer being single rather than enduring people who won't get their lives together and actually be kind and decent to others.

I have come to develop a strong aversion to the passive aggressive way of living that marks Midwestern culture. Also known locally as "Minnesota Nice" I find this way of interacting with others so exasperating partly because it is such a colossal waste of time! Why spend so much of your life using mind games and subtle hints to communicate what you are really thinking and feeling to other people? In my opinion life is too short for such bullshit. If I were younger I might feel inclined to do the passive aggressive two step...but I refuse to live in such a shallow way. What if we all behaved as mature adults routinely do and simply express ourselves without fearing others will misinterpret our intent or even later deliberately set out to harm us due to their misinterpretations of our words and actions? What an amazing world that would be if adults routinely behaved as...adults! What a concept!

I felt sad throughout much of today due primarily to this conversation I had last night. It never ceases to amaze me how one-dimensional people can be in their thinking. Rather than try to understand people and accept them as they are it seems so many people are perfectly content to mistreat and judge others based on the most superficial of encounters and personal knowledge. In short I wish there was more depth to the daily reality of human interactions.

Despite the sadness I felt throughout the day I generally felt good otherwise. A whole new life is blossoming for me. I learned some lessons the hard way these last two years. And I expect I will never need to learn them again.




Saturday, September 19, 2015

The Power of EMDR Treatment

Saturday, September 19, 2015


I started to write about a topic near and dear to my heart in my entry from yesterday evening. My entry today is meant to further explore this topic.

I found myself appreciating the impact that EMDR therapy has made on my life during my recent trip to Denver. I was in Denver to attend the Social Enterprise Alliance conference. When planning for my trip I perceived there was a distinct possibility that the trip could cause memories of earlier moments in my life to appear in my present awareness. And that indeed did happen. While visiting the area immediately around the Denver Center for the Performing Arts I found myself unintentionally remembering my visit to Denver in 2012. In the summer of 2012 I was living in Washington, DC. I was pursuing an internship with the NOAA Office of National Marine Sanctuaries in the hope of eventually launching a long-term career in the federal government. Though that has not (yet) happened I nonetheless do value the time I spent in Washington, DC.

One of the highlights of my time in DC was my participation as a singing member of the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington, DC. The chorus traveled to Denver that summer to participate in a gathering of LGBT choruses that occurs once every four years. The occasion features days and days of concerts and  an opportunity to meet people from all over the country. I found myself walking through some of the very same streets while in Denver this past week. And I recognized many of the places I first encountered in 2012. My life has changed dramatically since 2012. And this dramatic difference has been facilitated in large measure by my decision to undergo EMDR treatment.

I have written about EMDR therapy in many entries in my blog. I now perceive the world with what sometimes seems to be an entirely new set of eyes. When I call to mind the memories of my trip to Denver from this past week I notice a qualitative difference in the visual aspect of my memories; my recent memories are more vivid. These recently created memories possess a sharp and vibrant quality that is lacking in my memories of these very same places in Denver that I created in 2012. In essence I, the perceiver, have undergone a fundamental transformation in how I experience the world around me.

When I first underwent EMDR treatment in 2013 I initially felt overwhelmed and awed much of the time. It was painful for me to realize I had effectively not been "correctly" perceiving the world for much of my life. I wasn't truly seeing the vibrant beauty of the world as it truly is. As time passed I wondered if I would ever not feel amazed by the change in how I perceive the world. Over two years has now passed since I was first introduced to EMDR therapy. And I still wake up and notice the beauty of the world around me. And I am aware of the fact that I notice the beauty of the world most every day.

We sometimes experience events in our lives that forever change who we are. Some changes we may seek to consciously bring about through the application of our own will. Other times events take place which we would rather not be impacted by but are nonetheless. These inescapable events may prove particularly painful or disruptive of our lives. If I had to assign two words to describe what the year of 2013 was for me those words would indeed be painful and disruptive.

And yet I have journeyed out of that painful abyss. And I have discovered myself to be a new man. I cannot be the person I once was. EMDR treatment was, for me, life changing.

Change is not always easy. Even changes that ultimately lead us to an improved quality of life can be difficult to accept and adapt to. I have many times found myself wondering if the change I have experienced these last two years ought to somehow inform what I choose to do for work in the remainder of my professional life. I have asked myself "Am I such a different person now that I can't be the same person both in a professional sense and personal sense?"

In traveling to Denver I once again appreciated the magnitude of how my perception of the world (and myself) has changed. I am now intent to learn if there currently exists an online forum for people who have underwent EMDR therapy and who, like me, found it to be life-changing. I sometimes feel quite alone in taking the journey of transformation I have taken these last two years. I would like to find others to chat with whose lives have been profoundly and positively impacted by the use of EMDR.

Call it a belated birthday wish for myself.




Friday, September 18, 2015

My Strength Has Returned

Friday, September 18, 2015


I am now back safely home in Minnesota.

My time today in Denver was interesting. As I prepared to make my way to the airport I found myself dealing with something of a wave of anxiety. I realize that what I was feeling was due in part to my recollections of my past visit to Denver in 2012. I wasn't seeing the world very clearly back then. It was only three years ago but it seems like a lifetime ago or even some other life that I can recall from my memory. It's a bit surreal really.

I feel much stronger now. I feel ready to create a better future for myself. 

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Time Stretch

Thursday, September 17, 2015


I am composing my entry tonight in Denver, Colorado. An entire week has passed since I last wrote. And a lot has happened. I suppose I will sum up some recent events of the last week in chronological order.

September 11: I avoided the media coverage of the anniversary of the September 11th attacks as much as possible. It's a little surreal when I consider that there are now teenagers here in America who were born after that horrible day. It's also saddening to hear that George W. Bush's brother Jeb(!) Bush provided a narrative of his brother George's "presidency" that is patently false during the "debate" last night. I have to put two words of my last sentence in quotes because there was little about "W" that signified genuine leadership and what passes for debate in this country these days is a genuine farce.  The Republican spinmeisters are already industriously rewriting the history of George W. Bush's two administration to make it sound as if he was some insightful, wise figure who shepherded the United States with thought and compassion. It's a bit surreal to hear such lies dispensed as historical truth.

September 14: I had my birthday. It was a nice day. I met some friends for dinner. I enjoyed chocolate cupcakes with these same friends at Como Park. And it was my first birthday without being on medication since 2012. I believe it is correct to state that I have decisively overcome the horrible health impacts of my early life history now. What I focus on now is creating a foundation for a sustainable and rewarding future life.

September 16: I flew to Denver to attend the Social Enterprise Alliance conference. It has been an enjoyable event.


Visiting Denver has been something of a bittersweet experience. Why? I have been to Denver before. I first visited Denver in 1997 as a member of the Society of Jesus of New England. I was a novice member of that religious order at the time. I came to Denver for a month long course on the history of the Jesuit order. I lived on the Regis University campus. I visited Denver much more recently in 2012. At that time I was a singing member of the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington, D.C. I was in the very same part of town yesterday and today to attend the Social Enterprise Alliance conference. I recognized some of the buildings and street names.

The experience has been bittersweet for me because three years ago now seems to be ancient history. As recently as three years ago I was (still) perceiving the world around me with eyes impacted by the trauma I had experienced as a kid. I just didn't realize this was the truth of my situation. So, actually, this has been my first time visiting Denver with clear vision and a cleansed psyche. It has taken some time to get here.

But here I am now. I am ready for a new future. And I have been working on laying a strong foundation to create that future for the last two years now. The foundation is done.

It's time to build!






Thursday, September 10, 2015

The Night Before September 11th

Thursday, September 10, 2015


Today was a full day of work. After working my primary job I helped a friend with some yardwork in the evening. The days are obviously growing shorter now; I could hardly see what I was doing by 7:45 pm. Yes, autumn is coming. And tonight the air will have a genuine slight nip to it. The inevitable changing of the seasons is here yet again.

While working with my friend Jamie we briefly spoke about what we were doing on the day of September 11, 2001. It seems a bit surreal that fourteen years have passed since that day. I didn't lose anyone I was personally close to that day. But America lost a lot that day. We lost thousands of American lives. And, in my opinion, that day marked the beginning of another significant but longer term loss. The George W. Bush administration used the events of that sad day to manipulate the nation into entering a tragically shortsighted war of choice against Iraq. Here we are fourteen years later and we are still cleaning up the mess left behind by two consecutive administrations of George W. Bush. That that man became president truly proves most anyone can become president in this country.

My purpose in writing my entry tonight is not to invite my dear readers to relive that horrible day. Instead I am using that day as something of a foil to encourage reflection on trauma and healing. I feel fortunate to be alive and be enjoying a life as decent as I have. I still feel some sadness regarding how long I carried around my own unhealed trauma. But thankfully my new life is consuming my attention now. I don't really have much time to spare to ruminate on the past.

And yet I can tell how different life is for me now. Since beginning to drive again last week I have noticed that the experience of driving is itself a very different experience for me now. I suppose it is correct to say that even my whole previous driving history is something that I accumulated with a pair of eyes that did not perceive the world as clearly as they do now. I sometimes still get caught in awe when I pause and ponder how long I had been walking around with "trauma on the brain". Thirty years is a long time to carry such a burden.

Anyhow, it's time for something lighter. My birthday is in four short days. I want this to be a happy time for me. And it is. I haven't felt this good in decades.




Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Memories

Tuesday, September 8, 2015


Today I mounted a painting my mother made (many years ago) in my workspace. I can't recall ever displaying her artwork in my workspace throughout the entire history of my professional life. It's nice to have a reminder of her and the beauty she brought to the world. Though I love her very much and she is still alive it can still be painful to be around reminders of her. I know my ability to display her art is a testament to my own strength.

I shared the above words via social media earlier today. As the seasons inevitably begin to turn and my birthday nears it seems only natural I should spend a bit of time pausing to consider what my past has been as well as the people in my early life history who had a formative influence on me. I thought about  my parents again the other day when, after looking through a box of my personal effects I had not seen in over three years, I discovered all my old passports. I got out my current passport and then placed them all in chronological order. Then I took a look at the oldest passport.

The issue date of my oldest passport was February 17, 1981. A very young boy is smiling in the photo. His hair has already been turning brown for a while. The blonde boy he once was has already vanished. His front two baby teeth are gone. But the teeth that will replace them are not yet evident in the picture. That seven and a half year old boy looks very enthusiastic. He appears genuinely excited to be there getting his photograph taken. Now, thirty-four years later, I can't remember that day at all. And I don't believe it is a reasonable expectation that I should remember it. And yet that boy I was had such a great smile that day. You would think he was about to board a plane that very same day and go off on an immense adventure.

That passport was cancelled five years later. A new one was issued on April 22, 1986. A lot had happened in the intervening five years. A twelve year old boy looks out from the photograph of that passport. And there is no beaming smile. Instead there is a look of...what? Cautious presence? Circumspection? I believe that the intuitive individual may easily sense that something has fundamentally changed. But is it just due to the fact that this boy is now on the verge of adolescence? No, it's not. That boy had experienced a significant amount of trauma in those intervening five years. And though he was only twelve that boy looking out from that passport has already successfully pushed down his conscious awareness of a thought that has run through his mind all too often. The thought is a fear. And the fear was that he wouldn't live to see adulthood.

My one and only half-brother was born near the end of 1986. He'll be thirty years old next year. Though my father did make some effort to parent me when I was an adolescent I had become very adept at hiding the depth of my feelings of fear, anger and alienation. I had learned to do so because nobody in my family of origin would pay attention to these feelings I carried even when I did reveal them. So somewhere in my adolescent mind I concluded I had to start showing a front. And I did. I started showing a false face to the world.

Two years ago, in 2013, I stopped spending any energy showing a false face to my family of origin. The consequences in regards to my family were essentially what I expected. Members of my family did what they have always done. They avoided confronting the long un-confronted issues as they always have. And I suppose they expected I would just keep tolerating it. But I chose a different path. I chose the path of sanity. I chose a path to lead me back...to myself.

It hasn't been easy to awaken from the illusions I was caught in. I have experienced so much loss and discomfort in a mere two years. I felt quite shaken up for a while.

Later this year, shortly before the Christmas holiday season (and its associated frenzy) begins in earnest, I am going to mail these same members of my family some gifts. I will be sending these gifts as peace offerings. I don't expect my family of origin will ever change. I don't believe the reality of never seeing me again will necessarily shake them from the stupor of what I can only conclude are their own firmly rooted delusions. But it's not my responsibility to wake them up. It's my responsibility to take care of me. I am the only person alive who can be truly responsible for my own life.

Two years of therapy to truly heal a burden of trauma never fully healed is actually quite a deal. Considering I had carried the burden over thirty years an investment of two years is quite small. I got a great return on my investment.


I dream of a world free of hypocrisy.




Monday, September 7, 2015

Re-Membering

Monday, September 7, 2015


Today was a special day. And I don't declare it to be special because it was Labor Day. That made the day special as well. Today was significant because I finally opened a box of possessions that had been in storage on the West Coast for over three years. My personal effects were returned to me earlier this year. But not until today did I actually open the box containing my belongings. And as I opened the box and elements from my life several years ago spilled out my memories corresponding to these many materials also came spilling out of my mind.

Revisiting possessions that we once held dear years ago can be something of a revelation. We can find ourselves wondering what is was about certain items that we found so endearing. As we live our lives our values are apt to change. And as our values change it's inevitable that what we count as our 'stuff' will also change.

I suppose the most interesting moment in my perusal of my belongings came when I found a necklace I made years ago. The necklace features a sun symbol as its centerpiece. I created the necklace from beads. I believe I must have gone to some business in California that featured "make it yourself" necklaces. I do vividly remember I had made the necklace to give to a partner I imagined having one day in the future. That imagined partner has not yet materialized. And I think the necklace is at least five years old now. I decided not to waste my past efforts by leaving the necklace sitting in its little box. Tomorrow I am going to start wearing it whenever I choose. I am learning more and more how to be good to myself.

An interesting thing happened when I put the necklace on this afternoon. I accidentally put it on backwards; the sun symbol was facing in towards my chest rather than out towards the world. I began to fumble to take it off and correct the "error". But then I paused. I thought about how the metaphor of the sun shining in towards my chest was an apt, though unintended, "mistake". For too much of my life I have made the error of giving more to others than I have to myself. Living such an imbalanced life over a life period of time is a good prescription for the harm that often comes from such protracted imbalance, namely illness and burn-out. So I walked around at home with the sun symbol facing my chest. Thankfully I am much better at taking care of myself than I was five years ago.

Much better.

Sometimes we need to remember the past in a new or different way to be able to successfully integrate what we have experienced and, perhaps seemingly ironically, then let go of the past. Exploring my own early life history has been much of the focus of my healing "odyssey" these last two years. This focus gave my blog it's distinctive "flavor" over the course of many months.

It's a measure of how fragmented and uneasy my life was for so long that it actually feels a bit strange to have "all of me" in one physical space. My earthly possessions are finally now all here with me in the state of Minnesota. I have left little pieces of my heart in places throughout the world I have found powerful and amazing. Some of these places include Germany, Norway, Hawaii and South Dakota.

To re-member the fullness of the course your own life has taken can be an amazing yet arduous thing. I feel grateful to feel re-membered in mind, body and spirit. When I consider the many influences that have shaped who I am today it's quite clear that I have indeed been a world traveler.




Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Tether I Used To Escape The Abyss

Saturday, September 5, 2015


I have been in something of a reflective mood lately. This sometimes happens when major changes take place in my life. The fact that my birthday is coming up in nine days is another reason to give me pause and reflect on where I am now and what I would ultimately like to do with the life I have before me.

One major positive change I can report since my last entry is my procurement of a "new" car. The car isn't exactly new. Indeed, it has over 200,000 miles on it. It is a 2000 Subaru Legacy. The car was essentially gifted to me by a friend of a friend. I picked it up yesterday and drove it home from work. It had been over four years since I had a car of my own. My last vehicle was totaled on a rainy morning in Oregon in March 2011. I am fortunate that I was not 'totaled' with that car.

I actually felt a bit emotionally overwhelmed at one point yesterday. I felt so grateful to be the recipient of this unexpected generosity that I nearly began crying. The tears would have been inspired by a mixture of joy and relief. I feel relieved that I have managed to overcome the many difficulties I experienced in the last two years. I also feel relieved that the intense grief I was once feeling has significantly eased. Though I still do feel sadness on occasion the burden of my sadness is nothing compared to what it once was. I no longer really feel myself at significant risk of my sadness mutating into a black depression.

I also feel joyful these days. This blog I began writing twenty-six months ago has been but one piece of a puzzle whose assembly played a vital role in the restoration of my health. In meeting with a dietitian recently I describe my dedication to writing as ultimately resulting in the creation of a rope that I used to climb out of the abyss I felt myself in back in 2013. All the words I have written here, were they to be laid out end to end, symbolically created a thread that I used to life myself up and out of the darkness. When I think of this thread I cannot help but think of the story of Ariadne and the thread. You can learn more about this story from Greek mythology here.

The new challenge in my life now is no longer to heal from the deep wounding I experienced in the past. My challenge now is to keep up with the pace of the present. The many positive changes I have experienced recently all came about in such rapid succession that I have felt a bit overwhelmed by the end of many recent days. Thankfully a long weekend like the one we have now (Labor Day is on Monday) can be a good antidote to fatigue and excess commitments.

As I have noted numerous times in recent months I find myself in a time of transition. My focus in my own life has shifted. And my needs have changed. My need to write this blog has also changed. I continue to try to find some time to reflect on what I ultimately would like to do with my writing in the future. I trust this will become apparent as more time passes.


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Contemplating A Life Of Empowering Young People

Wednesday, September 2, 2015


A new idea has been blossoming in my mind this last month. I have started to imagine the possibility of my future career having a focus on inspiring and empowering young people to take care of the world around them.

I began writing my blog over two years ago. It originally was meant to be a venue for me to express myself as I went through a deep process of purging a lot of psychic dreck. This process took quite a bit of time. I didn't really start to feel a lot better until at least six months passed after I first took a trip down the "psychotherapeutic rabbit hole" in June, 2013. Appreciating the depth of how wounded I felt by the negligence, stupidity and corruption of so many individuals and institutions was a very sobering experience. I felt sad for many, many months. I felt inspired when the one year anniversary of my blog arrived in July, 2014. I felt pleased I had been so diligent in documenting the journey of my own conscious healing. And yet I was still dealing with the fallout of all the pain from the summer one year prior to that time. Learning about 'complex PTSD' certainly was difficult. I could easily see myself writ large in the content I read.

The sadness I (often unconsciously) carried around for so many years of my life (beginning at the age of nine) began to decisively lift early this year. This is quite an accomplishment. Considering that I essentially walked about the world with a health condition that had never been successfully (ie fully) treated for some three decades (despite previous forays into therapy) it's quite an accomplishment to decisively heal in a mere two years. Indeed, I got quite a return on my investment of time slogging through the darkest of my memories.

Some would contend that sadness and depression are two words that essentially describe the same phenomenon. I would disagree. I believe there is a fine but nonetheless critical distinction between the two. Sadness is a normal experience every human can expect to experience at some point in life because sadness is so intimately bound up in loss. And we will all experience loss at some point in our life journeys.

I believe depression is a somewhat different matter. Depression is not something I think we are wise to expect that every human being will experience. Many will however. When sadness goes untreated for a long period of time I believe it can metaphorically metastasize into something as heavy and unwieldy as depression. In that sense depression is like sadness gone very, very bad. Think of something that has sat in your fridge for weeks and weeks past its expiration date. Such food is the equivalent of depression. When sadness festers for months or even years at a time it seems depression is almost inevitable.

Based on my own life history I have become convinced of the pressing need for the mental health community to develop a much greater understanding of what trauma is and how it affects people. Studies show there many millions of Americans who suffer from some mental health condition at any given time. And the more I have learned about trauma the more I have become convinced that trauma can compound existing issues and render individuals and even whole communities that much more vulnerable. I would like to see more local, state, federal and even international efforts to understand and prevent trauma. I believe the world would be a much better place if we made such a concerted effort.

Years ago, immediately after I completed my undergraduate degree, I took a significant detour and tried out the world of religious life. Looking back it now seems so strange that I did. Though I didn't remain in the religious order I was once a member of (for nearly three years) some of the experiences I had during that time have remained with me in the intervening time. I remember my encounters with so many different types of people. I worked with many populations of people who often go unserved or underserved. And one population among them was young people.

Imagining a real career working with a younger population of people has come as something of a surprise. And yet I am not the person I was two years ago. I am a much stronger, more resilient, more unshakeable person. I have a well placed confidence in my skills and capacities.

A whole new world is opening up now.