Saturday, May 30, 2015

Effort

Saturday, May 30, 2015


Achieving anything of immense significance requires effort. Even the most gifted individuals still must expend some effort to accomplish what they set out to do. While there is no guaranteed formula for success diligent effort, performed over a substantial period of time, is very often necessary to succeed. It is not the only element to success as timing, luck and the aid of resources other may offer often also play a significant role.

Successful and permanent recovery from trauma certainly requires effort. My personal life history, and especially my life the last two years, provide ample evidence of this truth. When standing on the threshold of a journey of healing those who have been repeatedly or deeply wounded may wonder if the healing they desire and need is even possible. Another question that may bedevil those in search of healing relates to the matter of permanence. Even if it is possible to completely heal what will be necessary of us once the healing is done? What regular practices will we need to incorporate into our daily lives such that we can enhance our resilience and thereby minimize our risk of being gravely harmed again in the future? It can be a lot to deal with. I think it is not uncommon for many people to feel overwhelmed shortly after receiving a diagnosis of PTSD. I certainly felt that way for a period of time.

American culture tends to have a certain driven quality that informs the many interactions of our daily lives. I suppose this is the norm due in part to our capitalist society. And this driven quality seems to be even more intense now. Perhaps it is an inevitable development as our society slides in the direction of becoming an increasingly polarized society. Abundant opportunity and upward mobility characterize the lives of fewer and fewer Americans as wealth (and the heightened influence that wealth may bring) has become more and more concentrated in the hands of a small group of people.

So why am I alluding to the broader social and political milieu of the United States in relation to the topic of effort and trauma recovery? I believe our type A national psyche can profoundly influence how we approach many things...including trauma. It can be easy to get caught up in the idea that more effort will produce more results. I have struggled with this issue myself. Certain questions have held a prominent position in the forefront of my mind for the last two years:

  • How do you create healing? 
  • What is a realistic timeline to craft in regards to creating consequential and permanent healing?
  • What will I need to do throughout my life to minimize risk of harm and maximize my health and resilience?
  • What can you produce through your own effort alone?
  • How much effort should I expend on a daily basis?
  • What should my priorities be?

Healing, like anything, asks a delicate dance of us. We must learn how to balance making effort as well as sitting back and letting time take its course. We can charge out into the fray. But we also must learn how to relax.

I am still learning how to do this delicate dance.








Friday, May 29, 2015

Diversity

Friday, May 29, 2015


Today I am going to very briefly write about the value of diversity.

Diversity has become a popular word in recent decades:

People celebrate diversity with special annual events. This is often especially true for populations of people who have historically been marginalized and underserved.

Diversity in the workplace is also a significant issue. I personally believe diversity is a very critical value. Our society is made stronger by the diversity of cultures, backgrounds, skills and perspectives that people can bring to a common endeavor. Many types of people have been relegated to second class citizen status due to some aspect of their identities. This reality is unfortunately still all too real in many parts of the world. But I would like to believe we as a collective are moving in a good direction.

A diversity of life experiences can prove very influential in our own personal development. This has certainly been true for me. I feel fortunate to have enjoyed the educational, travel and professional opportunities I have experienced thus far in my life.

Diversity in the natural world is vital. A common form of diversity is biodiversity. Our world is made richer and more resilient by virtue of the vast number of flora and fauna that populate our planet. For all the immense knowledge accumulated by the diligent work of practitioners within the natural sciences we humans still know relatively little about many of the species we share the planet with. There is so much about this planet we still do not know...even now in the year 2015.


So what of diversity and trauma?

Untreated trauma can reduce our perception of the world to the equivalent of a black and white photograph of a stark landscape. Trauma can harm our capacity to see the manifold possibilities in our own lives as well as the beauty of the world outside our very skin. I have developed a renewed appreciation of this reality in the last two years.



Thursday, May 28, 2015

What Spurs Us To Action

Thursday, May 28, 2015


"One hundred Americans die every day from opiate overdoses. Forty thousand commit suicide every year. Yet terrorism is the threat that galvanizes us." - Stephen Kinzer

Stephen Kinzer wrote an opinion piece which originally appeared earlier this year. In that piece he made an astute observation about America: We do not prioritize resources according to the amount of death that various problems in our society cause us. Terrorism became the big hobgoblin to fear after September 11, 2001. I believe it is correct to state that the collective psyche of our nation was indeed dealt a severe blow that day. You could even say our citizenry was traumatized. The issue of security became a prominent one in our national discourse. But what else has happened since then?

Kinzer notes that many other issues claim far more lives on an annual basis. We lose forty thousand people to suicide each year. Put differently we lose an average of one hundred ten people to suicide each day. Described in an even smaller unit of time: We lose an average of four people every hour! Car accidents and gun deaths claim a much larger number of lives. And then there are health scourges such as heart disease and cancer. The amount of spending dedicated to our deadliest problems is not commensurate to the body count attributable to each problem. How did terrorism take on such an oversized role in our nation? I am not going to attempt to definitively answer that question. Instead I want to mention two aspects of America that I believe play a role.

First, we have a large military-industrial complex. The potential influence of this complex was noted by former President Dwight Eisenhower as he left office in January, 1961. A more thorough accounting of his speech can be found on the History Channel website here. When a few thousand lives were lost on that bright Tuesday morning in September 2001 the United States faced a penultimate moment. How would our nation respond to this catastrophic loss of life and subsequent suffering and dislocation that occurred in Manhattan? Our nation could have chosen a higher road and placed a greater emphasis on diplomacy as a means of addressing what led to this sad day of destruction. Our nation ultimately sent military forces into the states of Afghanistan and Iraq. We are still suffering the consequences of how former "President" George W. Bush misled the American people into supporting his poorly conceived response to that day. And yet terrorism is a great business opportunity for the military-industrial complex. People are more likely to invest in security and related resources when they are fearful of losing their lives, loved ones and property. Fear can be an extremely powerful motivator.

Secondly, I believe many Americans nurture a very distorted view of the world at large. Another article, also written by Kinzer, appeared in the Boston Globe last month and describes this distortion. Kinzer notes that "promoting the image of a world full of enemies creates a 'security psychosis' that misshapes our view of the world." But what could be the deeper basis for such a warped view of the world? Is there something in human nature that serves as a way of pre-disposing many humans to a fear and hatred of people who are different...of people who are the Other? Kinzer notes the thoughts of Freud on the matter. Freud is reputed to have said "it is always possible to bind together a considerable number of people in love so long as there are other people left over to receive the manifestations of their aggressiveness." Whether you believe Freud's body of work generally offered an accurate representation of humanity I do believe he was onto something on this particular matter.

So why do our spending priorities not more accurately reflect the issues that claim the most American lives? I think it has something to do with trauma. And I do not necessarily mean the trauma we might experience in our own generation. I am alluding to the life histories of our families that unfold over the course of generations. In short I believe many Americans are quite violent, aggressive and dysfunctional because the trauma their own ancestors experienced is something that has gone insufficiently acknowledged, researched and released.

Unless you have some amount of Native American blood coursing through your veins you cannot make a claim that you are originally from this part of the world. It may seem I am playing a bit loosely with that term. What, afterall, constitutes being Native American? Where exactly must you be from to make a legitimate claim to honest use of this term? I grew up in the States but my mother did not; she is a native citizen of Germany. And my father's family came to the United States in the 1870s. So I think I definitely qualify as a relative newcomer to the United States.

Many people came to the lands that ultimately became the United States of America in search of viable opportunities to forge a better life. They left behind ancestral lands plagued by political instability and violence, poverty, hunger and lack of opportunity. Experiencing such hardships, especially over a protracted period of time, can be very scarring. I suspect it can be especially horrific if your family experiences oppression that unfolds over the course of generations. It seems to me that the aftermath of such chaos can provoke any number of coping mechanisms. And I think one of those mechanisms can be to reach for something you perceive to be solid, functional and wondrous as a means of replacing that which was not. So some Americans reach for what they perceive to be unchanging bulwarks that stand the test of time. They reach for the Bible. They honor the American flag. And they elect to read sanitized versions of American history.

My purpose in writing my reflections is not to invite any of my dear readers into a more extensive discourse. Perhaps I can do that in the future. Instead I hope my piece today will inspire some thoughtful reflection on what our true priorities should be.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Emerging From Wreckage


Wednesday, May 27, 2015


I finally feel that I am gaining a solid footing on the threshold to my future.  It has taken a bit of time for me to reach this point. One thing that has helped me reach this new place is the resilience and strength of other human beings.

I read an opinion piece in the New York Times today. I have been doing a lot more reading of the New York Times lately ever since I bought a subscription to access its online content…a perk of my new job I suppose. The piece in question was written by a woman who lost her husband to the destruction that untreated alcoholism can too often eventually lead to. I felt sad reading her piece. I could also appreciate the depth of her devastation. Certain conditions devastate not only those directly consumed by them but also the lives of so many somehow connected to the primary victim. I would count alcoholism among such conditions.

Before I go further I feel I should clarify that my life has been relatively unscathed by alcoholism. I thankfully have never struggled with a temptation to drown my sorrows with alcohol. I learned to use television as my primary means of (unconsciously) practicing dissociation. I still consider it unfortunate that I took the path that I did. But I suppose it’s a better alternative as compared to alcohol. I have a friend I first met in California years ago who struggled with alcoholism. There was a time when we spent time in the company of the other quite often. I am fortunate to have witnessed none of the closest members of my family of origin struggle with or succumb to alcoholism.

I felt more than sadness and vicarious devastation as I read the piece. I also felt inspired. I also felt reassurance. I also felt a renewed sense of hope. Some of the comments on the piece were extraordinarily warm and kind. And some of these came from others who have also lost loved ones to alcoholism.

As I read through this woman’s heartfelt reflections I had this scene simultaneously unfold in my mind. I saw this person emerging from the loss of a spouse like a person emerging from the twisted heap of a car accident. Like a car accident the consequences of alcoholism can require the intercession of a number of helpers to rescue and then restore those who are harmed. I thought of my own journey of recovery from trauma. I have had many helpers. I have enjoyed the great blessing of health care practitioners including my therapist, acupuncturist, chiropractor and physical therapist. The beginning stage of my process was, quite honestly, grueling. There were many days when I felt positively pulverized by the demands of what was before me. It was very much like those first moments when first responders arrive on the scene of a car accident to assess damage and rescue those still alive and able to be rescued. It was very much like the stories I have heard of the first days and weeks after an alcoholic person hits rock bottom and realizes the true scale of the dysfunction gripping his life…and the true demands that recovery will likely make of that person.

People walk away each and every day. People walk away from devastating car accidents. People, as individuals and as groups, walk (or run) away from their homes as they burn to the ground. People ensure their own safety as those close to them suffer catastrophic breakdowns and then reenter the fray once it is safe to do so. Human beings have the potential to be incredibly resilient in the face of immense catastrophe. How would we as a species even still be walking the planet if this weren’t the truth?


There have been many days throughout the last two years when I found it a bit challenging to not spend too much time thinking about my earlier life history.  It’s the equivalent of emerging from a car wreck and constantly looking back at the scene of your moment of immense suffering. Sometimes our lives crash and burn and if and when we emerge we can wonder how in the world we came to find ourselves in such a mess. We might repeatedly ask ourselves the same questions:


  • “How in the world did that happen to me?”
  • “Why didn’t I see that coming?”
  • “How could I have been such a fool as to trust that person?”
  • “Why didn’t I work harder to overcome the obstacles before me?”

One way I have found myself sometimes (needlessly?) reliving the past has been wishing that I had been introduced to EMDR therapy earlier in life. As I have recounted elsewhere in my writing it was a combination of EMDR therapy and shamanic journey work that proved to make such a difference in my life. These have to be the vital ingredients because they are the only aspect of the treatment I went through that were not an element of past courses of treatment I experienced as a younger man and as an adolescent. I have wondered to myself “Who could I have been if I had been introduced to EMDR therapy when I was a kid?”

There is one problem with that idea: EMDR therapy didn’t really exist when I was still a minor. If you look over the history of EMDR as recounted here you will see that the creator of EMDR, Francine Shapiro, didn’t make the observation that served as the genesis of this therapy until 1987. I was starting high school in 1987. And I was living in Texas. Texas is a state well known for its conservative (which I would argue is often synonymous to regressive) politics. The chance I would have heard of EMDR before I graduated high school and left home was essentially zero. Studies to determine the efficacy of treating PTSD with EMDR therapy did not really begin to unfold until 1989. EMDR came to be known as such in 1991…the year I began college. A few years later, in 1995, a professional association was established to create standards for training and practice of EMDR therapy. So there was essentially no possibility I could have encountered EMDR as an impactful treatment while I was still the legal responsibility of my father.

Perhaps it is only human for us to look longingly at those younger than us who are more likely to benefit from advances in medicine and other disciplines that did not exist when we ourselves were younger. It’s not as if I am an old man now. I am not. But it does seem quite natural to me that we mourn when breakthroughs, technologies, techniques and the like don’t enter into our lives as early as we would like them to have done.  But then again I am still alive. Who knows how many people who had PTSD died long before EMDR even became available as a form of treatment.

And there are many, many people out there who know the feeling of hoping to find a treatment to rejuvenate or even save their lives. Emergency medicine, prosthetic limbs, organ transplantation and the like are innovations our ancestors of only a few generations ago could never have realistically dreamed of benefiting from. And I am speaking as someone who grew up in the industrialized West in a nation that is highly developed and wealthy compared to many other places on the planet. For all the misfortune I have experienced I am still quite fortunate compared to the average global citizen…whatever such a person would look like.

If what I have written sounds like some long discourse that has only previously unfolded in my mind then you have perceived correctly. I am recounting some of my recent thought processes here in my blog. Sharing my thoughts these last twenty-two months has been exceedingly therapeutic for me. And it seems my documentary of my journey has inspired at least a few people.

I am so grateful to be finally decisively emerging from the fox hole.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Value of Awe

Tuesday, May 26, 2015


"Through many activities that give us goose bumps — collective rituals, celebration, music and dance, religious gatherings and worship — awe might help shift our focus from our narrow self-interest to the interests of the group to which we belong." - Paul Piff and Dacher Keltner

A number of weeks ago I began sharing my own thoughts about different values. I called this exercise writing about the Values Alphabet. Today I am writing about a 'value' that I did not initially include in my list of values. That value is awe.

First a definition: A Merriam Webster definition of awe is "an emotion variously combining dread, veneration and wonder that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime." I feel a bit ambivalent about drawing a correlation between dread and awe as I prefer to think of awe as something inspired by phenomena that are not harmful or threatening.  But otherwise this seems to be a good definition of awe.

Psychology professors Paul Piff and Dacher Keltner of the University of California system recently wrote a piece on the subject of awe which appeared in the New York Times Sunday Review. Through their research the professors came to some interesting conclusions about awe:

  • People who experience more awe, wonder and beauty appear more likely to be generous to strangers
  • Awe was more positively correlated with behaviors such as cooperation, sharing and sacrifice as compared to other emotions such as pride and amusement
  • Experiences of awe may lead people to develop a different concept of themselves that places them in the context of being a part of a large collective

The researchers went on to hypothesize that society today is 'awe-deprived'. They noted that "adults spend more and more time working and commuting and less time outdoors and with other people. Camping trips, picnics and midnight skies are forgone in favor of working weekends and late at night." My life experience bears out this theory.  I feel a bit awe-deprived lately. And when I think about those moments in my life history that were awe inspiring I can recall the broader context of my life surrounding those moments as being marked by feelings of calm, satisfaction, inspiration and even playfulness. It seems that awe invokes some of the best aspects of the human being.

Piff and Keltner go on to hypothesize that awe deprivation is bound up in a profound transformation that has unfolded over the last fifty years. People have (unfortunately) become more individualistic, self-focused (I think this is a more positive way of saying self-absorbed...which has a pejorative connotation) and materialistic. How can we reverse this trend? Piff and Keltner claim we must insist on experiencing more everyday awe.

Some of my own life moments most marked by awe have taken place in the company of the trees and night skies the psychology professors reference. Indeed, as I was reflecting a bit on what I saw during my relocation travel to California sixteen years ago one time period of the trip stands out in my mind.  That was the last leg of the trip.  As I reached the Pacific Ocean in Oregon I enjoyed amazing scenic vistas of the Pacific Ocean. Throughout my time living on the West Coast I enjoyed the great fortune of seeing some of the most amazing natural features of the region.  Some of these were the redwood forests of northern California, Yosemite and the seemingly countless beaches and associated micro-ecosystems of the expansive California coastline. As I have noted elsewhere in my blog those moments of awe and wonder from my own history have arisen prominently in my memory more recently as the qualitative shift in my capacity to be present to the world around me (made possible by the extensive and varied therapy I have sought out) has unfolded. I want to see some of those awe inspiring places again.

To be faithful to the focus of my blog I ask this question: So what link is there between awe and trauma? It seems that a person impacted by the mark of trauma may be less able to bear powerful witness to the beauty and wonder around him that may then inspire the feeling of awe. And yet it also seems to me that awe itself may in fact be a powerful 'antidote' to the impact of trauma. I would wager we as a species not only want to experience awe but somehow have a need for it. How would a researcher go about proving humans have a genuine need to experience awe? I do not know. But my intuition and life experience convince me awe is a vital element of a healthy and well-lived life.

What can awe do? Here is one example. I think awe is the implicit subtext behind the work of organizations who seek to take youth (and adults) outdoors. Sad to say but there are some inner city youth who have rarely if ever experienced raw wildness in places nearly completely untouched by the hand of humanity. There are many youth who have never seen the grandeur of places like Yosemite, the Great Lakes or the searing visibility of stars from the highest peaks of the Rocky Mountains. I worked with such youth one summer when I was a young man in my twenties. I lived in the sprawling infrastructure of the New York City area. The focus of the summer program I served in was not to get youth out into the natural world but instead to enhance (or at least maintain) their academic skills. The program, while a good one, might have been even more effective had such additional outdoor adventures been incorporated into the curriculum.

Throughout the duration of my professional history I have infrequently seen the word awe used in the literature and website content of organizations dedicated to getting people outdoors. Perhaps this is true because awe can be difficult to quantify. And I think we humans are still inclined in the direction of doubting the existence of that which we cannot easily measure. Love may indeed be the most powerful force in the Cosmos. But pointing out love in some tangible form visibly impacting the daily world might be one of the most difficult of tasks.

As for my own future I wish to cultivate more awe in both my professional and personal life. A life completely devoid of awe isn't much of a life at all.






Monday, May 25, 2015

What Would You Do...With Four Extra Years?

Monday, May 25, 2015


How does it happen that the years of a human life can seem to just absolutely fly by? How is it possible that I arrived in San Francisco exactly sixteen years ago today after driving across the United States and leaving Chicago on May 18th?  Where did sixteen years go? It seems almost bizarre how the time in my own life seems to have flown.

Earlier this year I reconciled myself to the distinct possibility that some measure of the sadness I carry may never completely disappear. Now that I no longer find myself expending so much energy to resist my sadness I can use that energy to do something else.  I feel it would be ideal to use that newly available energy to create a better future.

The future. Sixteen years. Four years. Two years. Time has been on my mind a lot lately. I had my annual physical exam this past week. I was encouraged by the fact that my blood pressure and cholesterol readings moved in the direction of greater health. I decided to be a bit obsessive and input my new numbers into the ShareCare website. I wanted to reassess what my "real age" is as opposed to my chronological age. For those not in the know your "real age" is the age your body effectively is as a consequence of the ways you do and do not take good care of your health. The concept is simple. Unhealthy habits tend to increase both the risk and the reality of premature aging. Healthy habits can slow or even reverse aging. After entering my new numbers I discovered my "real age" is four years younger than my chronological age. So it seems I might have four extra years to...spend.

Four years is the time a person might take to complete an undergraduate college degree. A person who has gone through a horrific health ordeal might be able to completely heal within four years...if not sooner. A lot can happen in four years. So what do I want to do with my one wondrous life?

I clearly recognize one thing I want to do. I want to see some really beautiful places throughout the world. And if possible I would like to see some places I have already seen. But this time I would be seeing those parts of the world as a different man.

......

My dream life continues to be very active and vivid. I haven't been very proactive in writing down my dreams when I wake up the following morning. Sometimes I simply don't have the time set aside to do so. On other occasions the particular details of my dream fade so quickly that I can hardly recall them after taking a shower or eating breakfast.

I am very intrigued by what my dream life may be like once I completely titrate off my last major medication in July.





Sunday, May 24, 2015

Family As A Haven

Sunday, May 24, 2015


"Family is a haven in a heartless world." - Christopher Lasch

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about the factors that may influence a person's prospects for healing from trauma. I made the related point that policy here in the United States is not exactly very kid friendly as of late.  The number of homeless children in America has significantly increased in recent years.  Though I do not have data to draw justified conclusions I will make an educated guess that this increase is due at least in part to the 'Great Recession'.

Coddling millionaires and ensuring the unnecessary provision of welfare to powerful corporations seems to be a greater priority for our Congress than ensuring the current safety and future prospects of children. If our nation were more kid friendly and forward thinking I believe we would see different outcomes in certain hot-button policy topics including gun safety, welfare and infrastructure spending. Ghandi once noted "the true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members". To apply such a standard to assessing the quality of a society shows the United States to be sorely wanting. Greed seems to rule the day.

I cannot comfortably endorse the words of Christopher Lasch as being always and everywhere true. Some children unfortunately discover family to be anything but a haven. Children who experience trauma while growing up in dysfunctional families may later spend many years of their adult lives overcoming those early life wounds. I certainly know that story. It has been my own story. I am fortunate to have survived what I endured. I am also fortunate to enjoy the gift of excellent health insurance. I have no intention of going without health insurance in the future. I have learned a lot in these last two years about what can happen when we are woefully underprepared for periods of hardship in our lives. A lack of health insurance is but one factor that can really undermine your ability to enjoy some manner of stability and health in your life.

So what do we do when family does not prove to be a haven? Or put more accurately what do we do when our family of origin does not prove to be a haven? We must go out and create a family elsewhere.   I have been working on this challenge for a while.

I spend a lot of time contemplating my future these days. I try to balance this activity with sufficient attention to and appreciation of my life in the present moment.

Within the coming months I plan to change the focus of my blog. I plan to spend less time recounting my day to day life and more time making this blog be something of a resource to others. I am still not sure what type of content I will produce.  But my blog will continue on in some form.


The only constant in life is change.




Saturday, May 23, 2015

Climbing Out Of Hardship...Alone

Saturday, May 23, 2015


Healing from trauma can require an immense amount of strength, dedication and resources. Certain factors can make healing even more challenging. To be a member of a vulnerable population is but one important factor to consider. Vulnerable populations may include children, the developmentally disabled, those with serious physical health conditions and the elderly. I found myself pondering these factors that can contribute to or detract from the quality of our lives while reading about the experience of life in America.  It's easy to find sobering reading these days.

According to one article I found today the value of 60% has two significant meanings. America's wealth grew by 60% in the last six years. And the number of homeless children here in America also grew by 60%. So it's clear all that wealth creation is not being distributed very evenly. Indeed, we here in America seem to be witnessing the development of two classes. These are the haves and have-nots.  The middle class has been getting hollowed for a number of years. The article I have noted lists the following additional disturbing statistics:

  • The United States of America is a "world leader" in child poverty
  • Over half of public school students are poor enough to qualify for lunch subsidies
  • Today approximately two of every ten children rely on food stamps as a source of food support in America
  • The United States is one of only two nations that have not ratified the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child.  The other nation is...South Sudan.

Recovering from trauma is difficult enough. Healing from trauma in a nation that offers so little to some of the most vulnerable among us can make the challenge much more immense. Our corporations and millionaires are coddled while the number of homeless children continues to grow.

Something is very wrong in this nation. It's no wonder why stomach nearly turns acidic when I hear of the latest brazen callousness on display by certain members of our Congress. How can we create a sustainable future when the priorities of our nation are so skewed? I believe we need a nation defined by human values rather than the endless pursuit of excess wealth.

Despite the aforementioned grim statistics I personally am feeling fairly good these days. My sadness is still with me. But the beauty of May acts like a balm to my psyche. In my worldview joy and prosperity are the birthright of every person.








Friday, May 22, 2015

What Clear Vision May Capture

Friday, May 22, 2015


Today was one of those days that easily inspires appreciation of the state of Minnesota. Late May must be one of the most beautiful times of year to live here. The world is fully alive. Flowers, grasses and the green canopy of trees long ago replaced the monochromatic browns and whites of winter. And the sunshine this time of year is amazing. The sun is so bright and the days are so long it's virtually impossible to not experience at least one moment in which the beauty of sunlight falling upon this vibrant world proves so incredibly vivid that you simply have to pause and marvel at it all. I found myself doing that today.

My eyes capture quite a bit these days. I am still adjusting to how they seem to function in a qualitatively different way. And strange as it may seem my vision seems to continue to sharpen. How this is possible I do not know. I sometimes have this strange feeling that I simply did not exercise my eyesight as much as any typical kid does in the course of a normal, healthy childhood. It seems to me that sufficiently severe trauma can so overwhelm a person that the normal developmental course you might expect a child to take gets somehow detoured...or at least distorted. It's almost as if my eyes came to be a significant repository of the impact of the trauma I experienced.

I believe that unattended grief can also keep us from fully witnessing and participating in the world around us. When grief consumes us much like a powerful undertow consumes a reckless swimmer we can become so intensely preoccupied by it that the world outside our very skin seems to fall away.  How can we appreciate the beauty of sunlight falling on beautiful flowers or the cheerful sounds of children laughing when a deep pain gnaws away at us? Pain is a normal part of being a human being. But if we consistently ignore our own pain we may wake up one day and wonder what has become of us. In clearing out the pain inside ourselves we can really begin to appreciate the world outside our very selves.

I feel buoyed by a deeper feeling of hopefulness lately.  I had my annual physical exam yesterday.  All the results were encouraging.  My blood pressure was in a healthy range.  My cholesterol had decreased by fourteen points compared to this time last year.  And I am now on my way to completely titrating off my last major medication.  It took me nearly two years to reach this point.  But here I am.

The fruits of diligence can be immense.  And I believe this is just the beginning!


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Onward

Wednesday, May 20, 2015


Yesterday I wrote about what I was doing sixteen years ago at this time.  I was driving across the United States to start a new life in California.  I was so excited.  And yet as I drove that stretch of many, many hundreds of miles I was still carrying the imprint of old trauma inside my skull.  I just did not realize this was the truth of the matter.  Looking back I wish I had sought out better care earlier in my life history.  Doing so might have prevented what I have endured these last two years.

Yes, the grief is still with me now.  But it is better than it once was.  My prolonged sadness is gradually lifting.  And it certainly helps that I am no longer wasting my time by being company to members of my paternal family of origin.  I have met some people with some very dysfunctional boundaries over the course of my life.  But I think my family of origin could easily win a contest for severity of dysfunction and hypocrisy.  Letting go of all the psychic garbage inside my mind and making room for something much better has been such a process.  And yet the process has proven worthwhile.  I do indeed feel much better now.

I am actually doing something of a deliberate 'fast' from Facebook.  I recently began to appreciate what I believe is the dark side of Facebook in particular and social media in general.  Depending on who constitutes your pool of friends it seems social media can end up taking on the quality of a popularity contest.  Who got the greatest number of likes on a single photograph in which the subject is smiling but doing nothing more to contribute to the community than look appealing?  Who is the sexiest person out there?  Who has the best clothing?  Who is the star?  It all begins to take on such an adolescent quality after a while.

My own adolescence was the focus of my discussion with my therapist last night.  Yes, my less than optimal adolescence was indeed the primary focus of our time together.  I feel so sad sometimes when I think about how often I felt ignored when I was traversing that often powerful time in a person's development.  But being ignored was not just something I felt.  It was the reality of my life as a teenager.  My father and stepmother were a bit too busy paying attention to my recently born half-brother to give me the quality attention I needed.  It's no wonder I became so resentful and cynical later on.  And it's also thus no wonder I am still going to therapy many years later.

Healing is a process.  Sometimes it takes quite a long time.









Tuesday, May 19, 2015

May 19, 1999

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


Sixteen years ago today I was somewhere in Wyoming. I was on a seven day road trip on my way to California. I had just left my life in Chicago where I had been living as a Jesuit scholastic and attending Loyola University Chicago.

As I have continued the journey of enhancing my health I find memories from different times in my life often pass through my mind. There is a certain quality of melancholy that often accompanies my memories. I find myself wishing that I had had a greater capacity to be deeply present to my life earlier in my life history. In other words I wish I had been more able to enjoy the stunning scenery that passed the windows of my rental car as I ventured first to the West Coast and then down the length of the coastlines of Oregon and northern California.

I met with my therapist this evening. I didn't exactly have a great day to report on. I continue to feel frustrated with several aspects of my life. And my career certainly ranks high on the list of aspects of my life I wish to improve. I notice quite often that my more recent moments of irritation and malaise have a decidedly adolescent edge to them. I have become more aware of the deep disappointment I felt with the quality of parental attention I received when I was a teenager. I suppose this was virtually inevitable considering my father's significant psychological limitations as well as the fact that he married for the third time when I was twelve years old.

Despite my current frustrations I nonetheless plan to titrate completely off my SSRI (sertraline) around July 1st. I discussed this matter with my therapist tonight. I feel confident about taking this step. I will be discussing this and a few other physical health matters when I see my primary care doctor for my annual physical exam on Thursday morning.

I so deeply appreciate the fact that I can perceive the world with clear vision.


Monday, May 18, 2015

The Great Grief: Is It A Natural Symptom Of A Compartmentalization Hangover?

Monday, May 18, 2015


"Hell is empty and all the devils are here." - William Shakespeare, The Tempest

I found this quote from Shakespeare floating around Facebook the other day. Upon reading the words I had to take a moment to pause. There do seem to be a number of devils loose in the world.  And one of them is apathy.

I recently came across an article entitled The Great Grief. I found the title of this article very compelling. Despite all the psychotherapy and healthy practices I have engaged in the last two years there is an aspect of my grief that I don't feel especially capable of fully resolving. It is a grief I carry with me each day as I continue to witness all the careless ways we treat the planet...and one another.

As I have noted elsewhere in my blog I was a precocious child. I was aware at a very early age that something felt profoundly off about this world we humans live in. I remember being intrigued by the many facets of our industrialized society. Somewhere early in my development I wondered how so many people could apparently be so devoid of intellectual curiosity. It seemed many people never stopped to wonder about the impacts of our society on the natural world around us. Did people think all the exhaust from our cars, trucks, homes and businesses simply magically vanished without consequence into the atmosphere above us? Were we as a species that naive? Having been an adult for a few decades now I think I can better answer that last question. I am not sure that naive is the best word to describe much of the behavior we humans engage in each day. A better word would be dissociated.

As noted in the article I referenced above there is consensus among a large majority of climate scientists that our species will witness dramatic changes unfold on the planet in the coming decades as a direct consequence of our continued use of fossil fuels as a primary way to power our global economy. As often happens it is virtually a guarantee that those who will suffer the most due to these changes are, as a general rule, least responsible for the mess being created. I referenced this reality in some of my writings from graduate school. There is a school of thought that claims the global North has run up an immense ecological debt and yet it is the global South that is incurring the deleterious consequences of said debt. Regardless of who you are, where you live, what you do and what your socioeconomic status is one thing is certain: no portion of the planet will remain unchanged due to our actions.

The article goes on to reference a growing body of research that documents the mental health consequences of climate change. The flora and fauna of this world are already experiencing heightened stress due to the changes we are witnessing. And this will continue. And we humans will also be impacted. To quote directly from the article the manifestations of our own psychic distress are many: trauma, shock, stress, anxiety, depression, complicated grief,  strains on social relationships, substance abuse, sense of hopelessness, fatalism, resignation and on and on. In other words, fouling the planet we depend upon for our very sustenance will impact us whether we wish it to or not. But how could this not be true? How could witnessing clear cutting of an entire forest close to a home your family has held for generations not affect you?

It is also sobering to read that recent developments offer a mixed bag, at best, regarding our future prospects. Consider the following "data point" as but one example. According to the article a survey by the Yale Project on Climate Change Communication and the George Mason University Center for Climate Change Communication the percentage of Americans who rarely or never speak with friends and family about global warming has grown since 2008. It would naturally help to have significant context to better appreciate the reasons behind this development. I personally am inclined to believe this statistic is a product of a number of issues coming together all at once. I believe discussion of the issue has waned due to 1) fatigue with the issue due in part to a sense of hopelessness about finding a feasible means to create effective change, 2) the political polarization within this nation that only further contributes to feelings of hopelessness and 3) a focus on issues many Americans find more pressing, namely the economy. In other words, people will prioritize being able to eat today over addressing an immense issue whose impacts still seem far removed in time and space.

I personally struggle with these feelings of grief and despair in regards to what we are doing to our planet. I honestly am very perplexed as to what we can and should do to address the issue of human induced climate change. In many respects I think what is most needed is a revolution in our very minds.  I believe we need to think differently about ourselves, about who and what we are, about how we think of the planet and so on. I believe we need to stop seeing so much of our national politics as a zero sum game in which the triumph of one party or interest group is automatically interpreted to mean another group is a loser. I believe we need a spiritual ethic of stewardship and sustainability to inform our individual and collective actions. And I believe we need to strive to find the qualities that create common ground rather than those that divide us.

It has been my experience that the field of mental health is still woefully under-equipped to deal with the mental health consequences of climate change. Why? I believe this is partly a result of the fact that practitioners in the field are not trained to think and practice in such holistic terms. I believe we humans are suffering the inevitable pain of what I will creatively call a "compartmentalization hangover".

So many of us still believe that what happens elsewhere doesn't affect us. We believe our neighbors down the street as well as the citizens of a neighboring country can suffer immensely and yet somehow that will not impinge upon our own lives. Some believe they can carry guns on their persons on a daily basis and thereby ensure their own safety. Others will choose gated communities as a means of insulating themselves from the troubles of those of meager means. By building walls and security fences we hope to keep out that which we fear. Humans have built walls for millennia. Consider the Great Wall of China. Ponder the Berlin Wall. But walls will not keep out the increasing concentration of greenhouse gases swirling above all of our heads.

I believe this compartmentalization hangover also adversely affects the ways practitioners within various fields experience the world.  Philosophers, theologians, social scientists, natural resource managers, data analysts, physicians, lawyers, material scientists, astronauts, teachers, hospitality professionals, city managers and so many others all have important insights to offer our world. And yet they all have their own unique lingo specific to their disciplines.

A number of years ago the teachings of Matthew Fox and Brian Swimme made quite an impression on me.  Their wisdom still stands out in my mind.  Based on what I learned from them and my own life journey I believe the following is true now more than ever:

We need to reinvent what it means to be human.



Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Scourge of Suicide

Sunday, May 17, 2015


The World Health Organization estimates that an average of nearly three thousand people commit suicide each and every day.  Suicide has made the news in recent years in the United States due in part to the fact that suicides of military personnel surged for a period of time.  It is also unlikely that this heightened frequency of suicide among military personnel will end any time soon.  Indeed, a September, 2013 Huffington Post article noted that the suicide rate continued to remain high "while the military was mounting an aggressive series of suicide prevention campaigns and offering resources to help soldiers and their families."

It is an unfortunate truth that some lives would seem to matter more than others because suicide among some populations of people receives more media coverage than for other groups.  I was reminded of this today when I saw a New York Times article about suicide on the Pine Ridge reservation in South Dakota.  I lived on the nearby Rosebud reservation for a period of nearly four months in 1997.  During that short time I had a small taste of the numerous issues that characterize the lives of the Lakota people.

The above referenced New York Times article notes nine people between the ages of twelve and twenty-four have committed suicide since last December alone.  What is one major issue that impacts the lives of Native Americans such as the Lakota? Sexual assault and abuse.  And this issue is compounded by the reality of insufficient resources available to address the issue. As noted in the article there are currently a mere two investigators working in the tribal child protection unit.  They work on behalf of a population estimated at somewhere between 18,000 and 40,000 people.

Sexual abuse is significant because it also may be implicated in subsequent issues that may deeply affect a person's ability to live a productive and rewarding life.  Dr. Steven Berkowitz, director of a youth trauma center at the University of Pennsylvania, draws a connection between untreated sexual abuse and heightened levels of drug and alcohol abuse.  Such issues of addiction may then undermine what may be a person's already underdeveloped ability to do basic daily tasks such as work, obtain sufficient nutrition and participate in a broader community whose resources will ideally provide support and encouragement.

The deeper history of the Lakota people is also acknowledged as a contributing factor to the present reality.  According to the article there is a "legacy of federally funded funded boarding schools that forcibly removed generations of Native American children from their homes". This experience was an immense trauma to the Lakota people.

I wrote recently about the issue of trauma and the death penalty.  I commented specifically on my perception that American culture is defined by a bias for quick fixes that do not require any degree of deep reflection on the factors that may contribute to influencing the evolution of people's lives (and the choices they come to believe are both within their reach and appropriate).  I believe that the manner in which we collectively respond to the issue of suicide is yet another issue that may exemplify our often shortsighted approach to deep seated issues.  We want quick fixes.  Having a thoughtful, probing and protracted discussion about deep issues seems virtually antithetical to the American way of living.  So many of us are so busy with our own lives.

I sense there is a deeper reality regarding the nature of trauma that goes undiscussed because there has not been a lot of research to validate my perception as reflective of some essential truth.  How much of the trauma people experience is a trauma due to removal or alienation from their culture of origin?  In other words is there something you could call cultural trauma?  And if so how do we deal with it?

I personally believe there is something like cultural trauma?  And I believe this in part because I feel I have personally experienced it.








Saturday, May 16, 2015

Appreciating That Which I Can See

Saturday, May 16, 2015


Nearly two years ago, upon my return from my trip to Germany, I pulled out my tarot card deck one day.  The imagery of my tarot deck has a Celtic theme.  I drew a single card.  The keyword on the card was Blindness.  I had no idea at the time that my vision would become one of the prominent themes I would write about in the blog I would ultimately start in July, 2013.

Today I once again found myself imagining seeing the beauty of places I have previously seen.  And yet because I was having difficulty being fully present earlier in my life I now feel I wasn't completely seeing that which was present to my eyes earlier in my life.  Looking back it appears I wasn't fully present to my life.  I wasn't fully...there.

There are so many places I would like to see again.  I would like to see:

  • the redwoods of California
  • stretches of the West Coast I first saw in 1999 when I moved to California
  • Hawaii
  • Germany
  • Norway
There are so many magical and amazing places I would like to see again...for the first time.


Friday, May 15, 2015

Trauma...and the Death Penalty

Friday, May 15, 2015


One of the big news stories today was the decision of a jury to choose the death penalty for Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.  Tsarnaev was a very, very young man when his actions at the 2013 Boston Marathon led to the deaths of three people and the wounding of hundreds.  I read about the jury decision in this article in the Star Tribune.  One of the survivors of the attack noted "we can breathe again".  While this sentiment is a nice one I would beg to differ with anyone who believes that applying the death penalty as 'justice' will offer much of value.

Here are a few facts to consider: Killing Tsarnaev 1) will not bring back those who died, 2) will not automatically erase all the painful memories of those who were victimized, 3) will not necessarily deter others from committing equally horrific and harmful acts and 4) does not necessarily address the deeper issues that contribute to people becoming so distraught, alienated and marginalized that committing harm against others seems the only wise path to take.  The only thing that can apparently be essentially guaranteed is that Tsarnaev himself will never hurt another person.

But what about the many, many disaffected youth out there who awake each day to lives that seem utterly devoid of hope? Indeed, what are we and other nations to do about young people who become radicalized by their circumstances and seek to use violence and upheaval as a way to express their grievances.  The Star Tribune article did make some mention of the deeper issue of Muslim perceptions that the United States is targeting the Muslim faith (as expressed in its wars in foreign states such as Iraq and Afghanistan).  And I believe we have a powder keg of our own here in the United States.  The amazing concentration of wealth in the hands of a very small number of people while a vast majority of Americans simultaneously struggle to maintain their standard of living is a recipe for frustration, alienation and the decay of neighborhoods, larger communities and whole regions of states.

So tell me again how putting Tsarnaev to death can be seen as a victory?

Yes, the victims can perhaps breathe more easily in the short term.  But crime in the city of Boston has surely not been eradicated by this one jury verdict.  There will still be other issues to deal with.  Petty theft, fraud, assault and even murder will not vanish from this one American city let alone the entire fabric of America.  To create a better world for future generations I think we are going to have to develop more skill in probing more deeply and considering the deeper, harsher and more complex realities that confront so many people on a daily basis.

As I have recounted elsewhere in my blog I have experienced my own share of injustice.  And I often felt it was more than my fair share of hardship.  But then again I am still alive.  None of the indifference, corruption, violence and stupidity that caused me such psychic distress ultimately killed me.  So in some sense I suppose I could consider myself a lucky person.

Through the psychotherapeutic journey I have taken these last two years I have come to clearly understand that it was the nearly successful attempt on my father's life in June, 1982 (and subsequent events that only compounded that trauma) that I experienced as the most traumatizing element of my early life history.  There was a time when I virtually seethed with outrage that I experienced such violence, cruelty and stupidity as what I did...and at such a young age.  And yet for all my anger and disgust I was thoughtful and reflective enough to be able to understand that exacting some sort of personal justice on my stepmother and the others who failed me would not automatically erase my pain.   And it certainly would not guarantee that I would not be hurt by careless, insensitive humans later in my life.

Given what I have experienced in my own life you might think I would be a prime candidate for believing in the value of the death penalty.  And yet in principle I do not support the application of the death penalty as a means of deterring crime.  The only instance in which I can see potential merit in using the death penalty is that it can prove effective in keeping people who have already hurt others from harming or killing still more people.  If there was credible evidence that the death penalty deterred crime I might be willing to seriously reconsider my opposition to it.  But to my knowledge no such evidence exists.

To heal from trauma it can prove helpful to reassess your values.  In doing so we can create something of a map for ourselves that can facilitate our conscious creation of a more rewarding life.  I chose to cut a number of people out of my life in the last two years.  I did so because I consistently experienced these individuals as living lives which were not really aligned with the values they professed to espouse.

I am going to conclude tonight by making an observation about American culture.  Despite appearances to the contrary (like the number of people who are vociferously pro-life and make this belief a guiding force of their voting behavior) America is very much a culture of violence and death.  I think American culture is a culture of people slow to understand, quick to anger and quick to react.  I think this is a fear based culture committed to seeking quick fixes for entrenched issues.


Thursday, May 14, 2015

Discipline

Thursday, May 14, 2015


If there is anything essential to successfully healing from trauma I think it must be discipline.  Discipline  is essential to so many aspects of a healthy and productive life.  If you want to create a memorable life full of love, pleasure and material prosperity it is vital to develop some form of discipline that will help you to move in the direction of the goals you set for yourself.  There are no guarantees that following a disciplined life will inevitably lead you to manifest your grandest desires and dreams.  But a life devoid of being diligent and disciplined will almost certainly be a hindrance to achieving those same dreams.

My discipline of looking for new, meaningful and paying employment has finally paid off.  I began a new contract position yesterday.  I am now working as a part-time contractual research analyst.  It seems to be a good fit thus far.  Doing research is quite a natural activity for me.  It allows me to employ my curious nature in the service of something larger than myself.

So how does discipline link to the topic of trauma?  I think healing truly is an art.  And like 'standard' arts such as painting, photography and the performance arts there is no magical formula that will guarantee healing.  But I do think discipline is a necessary ingredient.  I began this blog nearly two years ago as a challenge to myself.  I wanted to see what kind of person I could become if I disciplined myself to engage in some form of art on a daily basis.  I have not written an entry every single day since July 2, 2013 but I have written almost every day.  As time has passed and I have remained diligent in my craft my confidence in my ability to renovate the totality of my life has grown.

Practice doesn't truly make perfect for sheer perfection is an illusion.  But practice does lead to skill, wisdom, competence and power.  These gifts alone make the art of practicing a daily discipline very worthwhile.


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Detachment

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


I am picking up on my Values Alphabet writing again today.

Detachment is not an easy 'value' for me to write about.  I suppose I find it challenging because detachment strikes me as a word with an emotionally distant connotation.  Perhaps there are both unhealthy and healthy forms of detachment.  I think healthy detachment is an attitude we can carry about life where we take actions to achieve our goals in the hope of moving in the direction of our greatest and wildest dreams but do not allow ourselves to get overly caught up in the results of our efforts.  Sometimes our best efforts do not pan out.  Unhealthy detachment seems to be something like an aloofness that doesn't allow a person to experience intimacy or closeness.

I sense that untreated trauma can lead a person to employ any number of coping mechanisms.  And unhealthy detachment is but one of them.  When we have been deeply hurt it can be very easy to erect psychic walls to minimize the risk of being hurt again in the future.  And so we might begin to cope through a practice of unhealthy detachment.

Detachment and attachment are, I believe, closely related to the issue of boundaries.  When we are exceedingly detached from the world around us there is an unhealthy boundary at work.  Nothing much can affect our psyches because we are not really emotionally present.  The opposite side of the spectrum can be problematic as well.  Attaching our happiness to as yet unrealized results can render our peace of mind hostage to circumstances well beyond our control.  Somewhere in between these two extremes is a good middle path .

I continue to seek my own middle path each and every day.  That grief and sadness I have written about many times is still there inside my heart.  But the joy of a new life made more exuberant and vibrant by my deep personal exploration within the supportive container of therapy is something that also characterizes my life now.  There are some days when it feels as if I am (still) stumbling along.  But more and more I feel as if I am coming into my own now.








Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Yes I Am Still Alive

Tuesday, May 12, 2015


One of the reasons I write my blog is to provide an ongoing documentary to prove that I actually have been doing something these last two years.  My professional resume has enough gaps in it that I sometimes feel I will never get consideration commensurate with my skills and potential.  But that hard edged thought is thankfully not one that is plaguing me every waking moment of every day.  But it certainly is in the background of my mind.

I find myself in a difficult period yet again.  And yet again it isn't for lack of effort on my own part that I am finding myself enmeshed in such a situation.  I cannot pay any of my bills in a timely way.  My unemployment benefits ran out a month ago.  Despite my commitment to be much more mindful and responsible with my financial resources (a significant change I made about ninety days ago) I occasionally feel as if I am being punished for past mistakes I made so long ago.  Quite honestly I do not understand why certain aspects of my life are not improving at a faster pace.

When will my current difficult circumstances end?  I do not know.  I continue to do my best to focus on what is good and wonderful in my life.  But today definitely qualifies as one of those days when I feel very challenged to not be cranky.

At least it's May.


Sunday, May 10, 2015

The Natural Attrition of Grief

Sunday, May 10, 2015


The only constant in life is change.

I have heard musicians sing about how time heals all wounds. Writers and poets have reflected and ruminated about love, loss, pain and healing for centuries. I suppose many psychic wounds do tend to heal over time. It seems this is especially likely to be true if a person is actively taking steps to recover from whatever has been a source of pain and grief.

In the last few weeks I have discovered I am now at a new threshold in my own life. My grief and sadness, while still something I contend with on a daily basis, is significantly less burdensome now. The arrival of Spring and the beginning of a new season of life seems to be a natural balm for the pain and disappointment we all experience throughout the course of our lives. There is a promise inherent in the coming of each new spring.  It is a promise of new possibilities and renewal. There is no guarantee that our new beginnings will ultimately bring us our desired results when we seek to reap the rewards of our commitments but the annual cycle of Spring serves as a reminder of the powerful possibilities that can emerge when we experience renewal.

I feel I am becoming genuinely renewed now. As I listen to the sound of rain falling I appreciate the sound of flowing water. The world outside is no longer in a state of stasis and silence. The world beyond my windows is alive, awake, colorful and exuberant. The Summer Solstice is only six weeks away. The intensity of the sun's light is immense now. The sunlight falling upon countless green leaves buoys my heart in a way that only sunlight can do.

I feel I am moving into a new phase of my life. I have a deepening appreciation for the many blessings of my life. I appreciate my health in a way I never have before. It isn't just the season of Spring outside my windows. It is also the season of Spring inside my body and spirit.


Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Healing Power of...May

Saturday, May 9, 2015


May is one of my favorite times of year in the state of Minnesota.  Yes, it can still snow in the month of May here.  In fact it snowed in the Twin Cities two years ago.  It was my first May here.  I was not especially amused.  I am grateful that this spring has been the nicest of the three I have experienced here in Minnesota.

I was quite lazy today.  I did succeed at making it to the gym.  That was my big accomplishment of the day.  While outdoors I found myself appreciating the extensive green canopy that now adorns the trees. The season of monochromatic browns and whites (also known as winter) is finally behind.  My body feels softer when it is May.  I seem to even breathe a bit easier.  There are no bitter winds to tuck my head down and away from.

I still have my sadness.  But somehow the month of May makes most anything easier to endure.  May is the reward we can enjoy for living through December and January...and February.

I plan to completely transition off the SSRI (sertraline) I have been taking these last twenty-one months in less than sixty days.  By early July I will likely no longer be taking any medication whatsoever.

I am very grateful for the fruits of my attentiveness to my health.  There are some days when I feel like a new man.


Thursday, May 7, 2015

The Next Step

Thursday, May 7, 2015


I made it through another important phase of my journey of healing. I resisted any inclination to reach out to my father yesterday. Yesterday was the occasion of his birthday. Those who don't know me well might think I am being cruel. But I am actually being kind to myself. By cutting people out of my life who do not treat me with a certain modicum of kindness and respect I am making space in my life for people who will. I wish I felt there was another viable way to interact with my father but the long journey of my experience of him led me to believe I made a wise choice. I can still wish him well. I will simply do that from afar.

As more time accumulates between the time I ceased interacting with him and the life I am living in this present moment of today I find the old wounds of my childhood softening and fading away. My sadness is still with me. Yes, it is still with me even now after nearly two years of going to therapy. But as I have noted frequently in recent weeks and months my sadness is indeed gradually lifting. It is simply going to take some time for my sadness to more fully fade.

I went to the dentist for my six month check-up and cleaning this morning. I was encouraged to learn my teeth remain in good condition. All my diligent attentiveness to my health is beginning to pay off. Over a year has passed since I became completely caught up on the different aspects of my health I need to regularly attend to. Psychotherapy is now the only major ongoing health appointment I keep on a weekly basis...unless I count going to the gym.

With so much of the tough work of trauma resolution behind me the practice of going to therapy once a week feels comparatively light now. I still like my therapist and find his input to be exceedingly valuable. There simply are no more hard edged super upsetting elements of my early life history to work through. Now I am focused on the process of creating a workable and rewarding life. But that is certainly no small task either.

I have been applying to a variety of jobs lately. And most of those positions are outside the state of Minnesota. I simply am not finding that much opportunity for a person of my background.

 



Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Life Goes On

Wednesday, May 6, 2015


Life goes on regardless of what we might lose.

It was my father's birthday today. Assuming he is still alive (and I have no reason to believe he is not) he turned seventy-three years old today. I didn't call him to acknowledge the day. I didn't send him a card. What I did manage to do was allow the day to come and go and give very little thought to his special day.

I have made a lot of progress. When his birthday came around last year I was still quite angry with him. I was angry about the abuse and neglect I experienced while I was a kid. I was angry due to his inability to be present to me in a consistently healthy way. Today, a year later, I just feel a lot of sadness. Last year there I had all this sadness and anger inside me. This year I have only the sadness to contend with. I call that progress.

The air outside is very still. It's a calm and pleasant night. I need that calmness inside me.

Life will go on. The sun will rise tomorrow and I expect I will have another chance to make my life something like what I want it to be.


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Deep Dig


Tuesday, May 5, 2015


I met with my therapist again this evening.  We actually scheduled out appointments into June.  I am closing in on my two year anniversary of working with him.  It seems a bit surreal that it has been that long actually.

The main challenge left for me to address regarding my mental health is the persistent sadness I feel.  Speaking with complete honesty and transparency I acknowledge that I feel some measure of sadness on most days.  This really is not at all surprising to me considering the amount of trauma I endured as a kid.  The work of attending to the especially traumatic incidents of my life history is now thankfully a thing of the past.  All that remains now is my sadness.

I feel sad because I didn’t clearly see who and what I was for such a long time.  I didn’t see the beauty in my eyes and in my face.  I didn’t receive a lot of encouragement and compliments regarding my physical development as I was becoming a man.  I know I am most certainly not alone in this type of experience.  Many people do not get the recognition and encouragement they need from their parents to enter the adult world as well adjusted, productive, healthy, confident people. 

I find myself digging deeper and deeper into myself as time goes on.  My sadness is no longer a companion whose presence I subtly or not so subtly try to ignore.  But I also am doing fairly well at not wallowing in it and allowing my past feelings of victimization to reclaim me.  I am much more than my past or present.  My life can be wondrous.  I have the maturity and focus now to make it so.  I have the capacity to heal and learn from my mistakes.

Monday, May 4, 2015

The Challenge of Important Choices

Monday, May 4, 2015


I applied for a job today.  The site of this position is nowhere near to where I now live.  In fact, the location in question offers a view of the largest ocean in the world.  The job is in a small coastal community in Washington state.

I have always had a spirit of adventure.  I have sometimes wondered if this is why my family of origin apparently gave little thought to what I was put through as a kid.  I sometimes have thought most of them though "that boy can take it".  And yet just because you have the capacity to endure something doesn't mean you should have to have that capacity tested.  But I am digressing a bit.

The disappointing results of some of the bigger risks I have taken in recent years have had the unintended consequence of leaving me feeling more risk averse than I once was.  I still enjoy adventure, travel and the like but I find myself more circumspect now when I contemplate choices that could have profound impacts on the course of my life.  I often wish I were equipped with better decision making skills.  But I at least feel I am moving in the right direction.

I wrote not long ago about the subject of false dichotomies.  I have often had this idea firmly lodged in my mind that to be true to both my deepest career passions as well as my deepest desires for intimacy will simply not be feasible.  I often feel as if I will ultimately have to make an 'either-or choice' rather than enjoy a both-and life.  Is it too much to ask that I find fulfillment in the different major spheres of my life rather than just one?  I often wonder why I feel I will inevitably have to choose.  Is this perceived dichotomy real?  Does it have any basis in reality?  Or am I simply allowing unjustified fear to grip my mind?  This is a good topic to discuss with my therapist.

I do feel fortunate to have grown some in the sense that I no longer cross bridges that do not yet exist as frequently as I once did.  In other words, I do not get caught up in mental forecasts and ruminations about possible future scenarios I might have to contend with until they come to pass as often as I would find happening years ago.  But this pattern of living too much in possible futures is still something that happens much too often for my taste.  While psychotherapy has certainly proven enormously helpful to me I still feel I need to focus on some other means of addressing this pattern of imagining unpleasant future realities.  I don't expect my own mind will ever completely desist from such unneeded mental wandering.  But I can cultivate ways to bring a healthy approach to my own life each day I wake up.

......

It is a beautiful May evening outside.  Children can play outdoors at 7:30 pm on a still Monday evening.  It's so lovely to see the world greening up.




Saturday, May 2, 2015

Poverty, Trauma And Exclusion


Saturday, May 2, 2015


“Poverty is the ultimate threat to stability in a globalizing world…The widening gaps between rich and poor within nations, and the gulf between the affluent and the most impoverished nations, are morally outrageous, economically wasteful, and potentially socially explosive.” – Andrew Simms

I included the quote noted above in a paper I wrote for graduate school some five years ago.  The wisdom contained in those words is still as timely as ever.  Indeed, I think the topic of poverty and social discontent is perhaps even more compelling today than it was five years ago.  

What is one reason I would make such a claim?  If you dig deeply into the recent stories from Ferguson, Missouri and Baltimore, Maryland you can see a certain common thread underneath the story of African American men dying at the hands of law enforcement in their local communities.  These stories are indeed more than stories about racial profiling, bias and the integrity of the law enforcement community.  I would wager that to fully understand what led to these men dying untimely deaths you also must look at the issues of disenfranchisement and lack of opportunity.  You have to look at the grinding toll of poverty and lack of opportunity.  And you have to look at how perceptions we carry of people different than ourselves affect how likely we are to include them or offer them opportunities we may have the power to offer to them.

I do not have personal experience of what it is like to be a racial minority.  But I nonetheless do have experience of what it is like to be a minority by virtue of being a gay man.  I have experienced prejudice and exclusion.  I know the sting of intolerance and willful human ignorance.  Add an economy that does not offer significant opportunity to well educated professionals like myself and you indeed have the recipe for an immense amount of social discontent.  I sometimes marvel that there are not more protests unfolding across this country given the continuing lack of significant opportunity as well as the amount of polarization that has occurred between the wealthiest and the poorest citizens of this nation.

The Great Recession did not batter American citizens equally.  And the amount of time people needed to recover from the economic implosion is also not equal across different income groups.  This is clearly rendered in many articles on the subject.  Top earners have recovered much more quickly than the middle class and the poor.  Read this article for more details.  I found the following paragraph to be the most telling:

The economy remains depressed for most wage-earning families. With sustained, relatively high rates of unemployment, businesses are under no pressure to raise their employees’ incomes because both workers and employers know that many people without jobs would be willing to work for less. The share of Americans working or looking for work is at its lowest in 35 years.

The American Dream no longer appears to be a valid element of our national mythology.  Consider this article in Salon Magazine.  I was not surprised to note that the pessimism people have regarding their own futures and that of their children is concentrated among the white working class and African-Americans.  But what is contributing to these difficulties?  Bad policy.  And who is primarily responsible for such bad policy making?  If the Salon article is to be believed it is the GOP.  I tend to agree with this assessment.  As I have noted elsewhere in my blog the new mantra of the GOP seems to be 'Governance by Obstruction'.  I would personally like to see a greater spirit of cooperation in our political process.  Will we rediscover such days in the future?  I don't know.

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So what does poverty, lack of opportunity and the unfortunate experience of marginalization have to do with trauma?  I believe all these factors make it much more difficult to remain motivated, get up each morning and seek to make a living for yourself much less make some sort of contribution to the broader society.  Why would you want to bother to put yourself out there if you (rightly) feel the deck is already stacked against you?  It's just another obstacle you must somehow overcome.  Why work when the institutions that have a significant influence on the quality of life in your community are rudderless and amoral?  Why keep trying when injustice is so prevalent?

I have struggled with these questions as I have journeyed through my own healing.  We can heal our own individual lives of the psychic scars we carry by doing any number of things including working with a therapist, eating well, exercising, spending time with friends and the like.  But so long as the institutions that influence our lives as well as the direction of our society continue to be filled and affected by the rot of corruption and apathy it seems quite likely that people will continue to feel victimized and hopeless.  There will continue to be suicide.  There will continue to be policy brutality, disenfranchisement, hopelessness, addiction and anger. 

Recovering from trauma is no small task.  Once you restore your own life I wonder if it's only natural to want to somehow improve the broader society.  That is what I want to be about now.  I want to create a better world.  I want to use my time well.  I want to love my life and love what I do.  I want to love the people in my life.

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So here is a bit of a personal update.  I plan to titrate off my sertraline over the course of the next sixty days.  I picked up what I hope will be the last refill of my prescription this past week.  I am feeling confident about my readiness to take this step.

It is May now.  The world is turning a beautiful green outside.  The ice completely disappeared off area lakes weeks ago.  This weekend will feature warmth typical of June.  In the spirit of this new season I feel an immense urgency to move on and create a good life for myself.