Tuesday, May 19, 2015

May 19, 1999

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Sixteen years ago today I was somewhere in Wyoming. I was on a seven day road trip on my way to California. I had just left my life in Chicago where I had been living as a Jesuit scholastic and attending Loyola University Chicago.

As I have continued the journey of enhancing my health I find memories from different times in my life often pass through my mind. There is a certain quality of melancholy that often accompanies my memories. I find myself wishing that I had had a greater capacity to be deeply present to my life earlier in my life history. In other words I wish I had been more able to enjoy the stunning scenery that passed the windows of my rental car as I ventured first to the West Coast and then down the length of the coastlines of Oregon and northern California.

I met with my therapist this evening. I didn't exactly have a great day to report on. I continue to feel frustrated with several aspects of my life. And my career certainly ranks high on the list of aspects of my life I wish to improve. I notice quite often that my more recent moments of irritation and malaise have a decidedly adolescent edge to them. I have become more aware of the deep disappointment I felt with the quality of parental attention I received when I was a teenager. I suppose this was virtually inevitable considering my father's significant psychological limitations as well as the fact that he married for the third time when I was twelve years old.

Despite my current frustrations I nonetheless plan to titrate completely off my SSRI (sertraline) around July 1st. I discussed this matter with my therapist tonight. I feel confident about taking this step. I will be discussing this and a few other physical health matters when I see my primary care doctor for my annual physical exam on Thursday morning.

I so deeply appreciate the fact that I can perceive the world with clear vision.

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