Monday, August 15, 2016

Why O Why?

Monday, August 15, 2016


I began my day quite early today. One of the first things I did was go to the Basilica of St. Mary in order to take some time to pray. You'd think I was going to join a religious order based on how much I have been praying in the last month. But I have already done that in the past...so I can check that off my list!

Today was the day in the Catholic Church calendar dedicated especially to honoring Mary. It was the Feast of the Assumption of Mary. I won't go into all the theology and belief associated with this particular feast here in my blog. Not only do I not know much of that theology but the time involved to parse it and share it here would be quite consuming. I have done a lot of praying to Mary lately though. She embodies qualities of the mother I wish that I had had. But my motives to pray to her go beyond the appeal that a surrogate may have. I have been praying to her because I do genuinely believe it is helping me in some way.

Prayer has served me in many ways this last month. It helps me to distract myself from less savory thoughts that occasionally cross my mind. One strand of thought I would rather not have concerns the amount of time I spent here in Minnesota. I find myself wishing I had not spent over three years of my life sorting out my past life in preparation for what I hope and pray will be a truly powerful new beginning. I wish I could have done it faster than I did. But then again I can reframe how I view this time I lived in Minnesota. I can be thankful that it happened at all. Perhaps it was some sort of strange grace that led me here. I can be thankful that I discovered my life changing experience of EMDR therapy while living here in Minnesota. It's quite possible I would never have discovered it had I not made this "detour" to Minnesota.

When this particular line of thinking takes up residence in my conscious mind I find myself also wondering who I might have been if I had stayed in the Washington, DC area back in 2012. But I usually quickly turn away from that particular tangent because I have become convinced that I would ultimately be worse off if I had never made my way to Minnesota. It seems my life in Minnesota was preparatory work for something much bigger to come in my personal future.

I stand on the threshold of that much bigger something. I am excited to see what will come to be.










Sunday, August 14, 2016

A Fear To Overcome

Sunday, August 14, 2016


As the remaining days of August pass I find myself eager to have clarity regarding where I will be moving on to next. Today I found myself aware of a fear that I have previously spoken about with my therapist.

There was a time many years ago when my mother worked in an American city with essentially no family (of origin) to support her in her life. She worked as a nurse in El Paso, Texas for a period of time. What prompted her to choose that particular city as a place to work is something that remains a mystery to me to this day. Perhaps I can eventually learn more of the backstory from my uncle Bernhard.

It pains me to even imagine what life must have been like for my mother during the time she worked in El Paso. To move to a completely unfamiliar city for the sake of work is not something to be taken lightly. Yes, many people actually do this at some point in their lives but the fact that it's not an unpopular choice doesn't mean it's an easy choice to make or an easy choice to live with.

As I plan to take a huge step forward and get back into my own professional field of expertise I pray that I will choose wisely. Wherever I go next I plan to create a support system for myself so I can enjoy my life.




Saturday, August 13, 2016

The Smell of Chlorine...and Lavender

Saturday, August 13, 2016


Today was a beautiful day.

Today was a beautiful day...because I was (and am) alive. Today was wondrous because I spent time with friends. Today was amazing because I was in the company of friends whose open hearts are like a balm to my own. Today was beautiful because I spent time getting to know another person. Today was beautiful...because I could actually see today.

After returning home from spending some time in a pool I found myself noticing the subtle but very real scent of chlorine still on my skin hours after being in a swimming pool. I could smell the chlorine on my fingertips. I washed my hair and used lavender soap to purge this particular chemical odor I associate with the season of summer. As I prepared a good soapy lather I found myself appreciating my ability to live independently by showering with no assistance from another person.

The summer season here in Minnesota is rapidly moving towards its inevitable ending. I suppose I adjusted to this reality after living here nearly four years. The one word that accurately describes my first summer here in Minnesota was dissolution. The theme of my second summer was release and renewal. The theme of my third summer (last year) was growth. And finally the theme of this summer now nearly over was strength and preparation.

The time is coming for me to move on now. I am a new man. I cannot even conceive who I would be had I never found my way to Minnesota. The important work it appears I was meant to do here is now concluding. And so I must move on to the next chapter of my own life.

I am excited by what that chapter will be.




Saturday, August 6, 2016

Still More Patience Needed

Saturday, August 6, 2016


I have written extensively about my grief throughout the time I have maintained my blog. Grief is a strange dance partner. The moment to moment movements of a dance with grief can be very disorienting.

I have been feeling a lot of sadness lately. Yet I feel thankful because I attribute much of my recent sadness to the more recent years of my life. I take comfort in this reality as I know in my very being that the unhealed sadness and grief I once carried around regarding the earliest years of my life is now largely resolved. In other words my current sadness is not connected to a distant time in my life. I find myself finally primarily living in the present now.

The death of my friend John has been omnipresent in my heart and mind since he passed away a mere eight days ago. I grieve the fact that I will never again see him in this life. I feel sadness for all the possibilities that will never be. His death, as well as the death of the father of another one of my friends, has left me feeling hyper-aware of my own mortality.

When I die I want my own life to have mattered to the world. I want to have done something with my life that I will be able to look back on with reverence and joy. I want to be able to leave this world in a joyful state of mind and spirit. I believe we all fundamentally prefer to die in such a way.

In order to live a life that I will feel ultimately mattered I need to move on and reenter my professional field. I want to bring forth the wisdom I have gained in many places to my future life. I have learned a lot through my formal education. I have learned a lot through my friends. The many disappointments I have experienced in my life journey have also been teachers of a sort. I have gained much wisdom through both joy and suffering.

I am finding it necessary to cultivate a patient attitude these days. Clarity regarding what direction I will ultimately take in the next thirty days remains elusive. Until yesterday I had expected to gain such clarity by the end of this coming week. It now appears the clarity I desire will likely not come to be until some time near the end of August.

The reward of patience is patience.