Saturday, August 6, 2016

Still More Patience Needed

Saturday, August 6, 2016

I have written extensively about my grief throughout the time I have maintained my blog. Grief is a strange dance partner. The moment to moment movements of a dance with grief can be very disorienting.

I have been feeling a lot of sadness lately. Yet I feel thankful because I attribute much of my recent sadness to the more recent years of my life. I take comfort in this reality as I know in my very being that the unhealed sadness and grief I once carried around regarding the earliest years of my life is now largely resolved. In other words my current sadness is not connected to a distant time in my life. I find myself finally primarily living in the present now.

The death of my friend John has been omnipresent in my heart and mind since he passed away a mere eight days ago. I grieve the fact that I will never again see him in this life. I feel sadness for all the possibilities that will never be. His death, as well as the death of the father of another one of my friends, has left me feeling hyper-aware of my own mortality.

When I die I want my own life to have mattered to the world. I want to have done something with my life that I will be able to look back on with reverence and joy. I want to be able to leave this world in a joyful state of mind and spirit. I believe we all fundamentally prefer to die in such a way.

In order to live a life that I will feel ultimately mattered I need to move on and reenter my professional field. I want to bring forth the wisdom I have gained in many places to my future life. I have learned a lot through my formal education. I have learned a lot through my friends. The many disappointments I have experienced in my life journey have also been teachers of a sort. I have gained much wisdom through both joy and suffering.

I am finding it necessary to cultivate a patient attitude these days. Clarity regarding what direction I will ultimately take in the next thirty days remains elusive. Until yesterday I had expected to gain such clarity by the end of this coming week. It now appears the clarity I desire will likely not come to be until some time near the end of August.

The reward of patience is patience.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!