Sunday, May 29, 2016

Moving Onward To A New Stage Of Life

Sunday, May 29, 2016


In the summer of 2014, approximately a year after I began working with my therapist, I was introduced to the idea of Complex PTSD by a separate therapist who was also based here in Minnesota. Dr. Judith Herman of Harvard University has put forth the idea of Complex PTSD as a new diagnosis as a means of describing the symptoms of long-term trauma.

As I learned about the idea of Complex PTSD I felt quite saddened to note that I could identify with all six major difficulties noted below. Now, two years since that time, I am pleased to note I have essentially healed. I still experience some lingering sadness and grief but I feel quite good most of the time now. My comments on these difficulties appear in italics below.

Emotional Regulation. I resolved my longstanding anger a few years ago. It is no longer a burden that I carry. I do still experience some residual sadness now. It has significantly improved as well. When I feel sadness well up within me now I find it is often connected to how often I was left alone as a child.

Consciousness. My deeply learned coping skill of dissociation is not something I regularly engage in any more. I have learned to listen to my intuition and maintain healthy boundaries when I first meet people.

Self-Perception. My issues with my own self-perception have essentially completely disappeared. If I feel guilt now it's only related to my own self-care. I wish I had taken better care of myself earlier in my own life.

Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. This was a particular problem for me earlier in my history of healing. But I no longer engage in disempowering thoughts in which I give away my power to past perpetrators. I know it is my responsibility to live a healthy life for myself now. I cannot change what happened in my own past but I can choose to make healthy choices and cultivate healthy relationships now.

Relations with Others. I no longer get caught up in the delusional idea that someone else has the right, responsibility or ability to rescue me.

One's System of Meanings. I am still struggling with my sense of what the possibilities for my future are. I have more clarity than I ever have had regarding what I wish to focus on doing in my own future.



Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Vanishing

Tuesday, May 24, 2016



I have been conversing with a friend I still have never met. I suppose you could call him my electronic pen pal. We first met online seven years ago...in 2009. It seems a little surreal that it's been seven years. It also seems surreal that I appreciate him as much as I do considering I still have not met him in person. He disappeared from my life instead of coming to visit me one June weekend. I later discovered he had apparently been in a horrific car accident on the very trip he was making to come meet me. I didn't learn about this until the next year.

It's a sad reality that all too many people lose those they love. We all will eventually. And I don't just mean people lose their loved ones to illness, to drug addiction, to suicide and to war. Those endings are horrible enough in and of themselves. Some people lose people because they simply...vanish. Some people lose their beloved children, spouses, siblings and even parents when those individuals...disappear.

For those whose hearts are shattered by such traumatic loss trusting the world to be a safe place where people will consistently show up and be there for you over the long haul can be a rather Herculean proposition. Imagine, for a moment, if you lived just one day of your life with the overriding conviction that every single person you encounter during that day might very well never appear in your life again. How would you live that day if you truly held that possibility in your conscious awareness throughout the day? Would you treat both those you know as well as complete strangers any differently.
Life is precious. And life can be very short. I think people who lost entire social circles in the AIDS epidemic may resonate with what I share above. Parents who have lost children and children whose parents have disappeared may also appreciate the harsh brevity of life that sometimes impacts us in blunt and subtle ways.
When you walk out the door tomorrow morning consider pondering the very real possibility that you might never again encounter some people...both the familiar and the unknown.
Everything changes.
Tell the people whom you love how you feel about them.


Sunday, May 22, 2016

Thriving In A Less Than Ideal Environment

Sunday, May 22, 2016


"The measure of a society is found in how they treat their weakest and most helpless citizens. As Americans, we are blessed with circumstances that protect our human rights and our religious freedom, but for many people around the world, deprivation and persecution have become a way of life." - Jimmy Carter, Jr.


As I have continued forward on the path of my healing journey I have come to more and more appreciate the reality of how bad some policies are here in the United States. Childcare policy could certainly stand improvement.

The broader social and economic reality of a nation and its associated array of policies have significant relevance to the quality of life for individuals and individual families. People do not live out their lives in a vacuum. And the same is true of families and entire communities. The context of what is happening at the local, state and national level can play a huge (if not decisive) role in the choices individual citizens will make. I was reminded of the significance of the macro-level reality as I read a recent piece by columnist Paul Krugman.

Whole nations of people don't necessarily do well without some intentional focus being placed on creating policies that will support such an end result. Krugman gives a nod to this reality in the title of his piece: it takes a policy. Yes indeed it certainly takes a policy. And unfortunately the United States does continue to do quite poorly by its children when referenced against the performance of other nations throughout the world. Krugman minces no words near the end of his column: "The state of child care in America is cruel and shameful - and even more shameful because we could make things much better without radical change or huge spending."

So what does this one column focused on the lives of children have to do with my own individual journey of healing from trauma? One painful aspect of my process of coming to terms with my own experience of trauma has been my realization that individual families alone may be able to do so very little when powerful institutions pay little heed to their cares and worries. When priorities at the level of an entire state or even nation are misplaced it can be very difficult to do anything substantive to improve your own life or that of your family.

Krugman's words help me to further appreciate the multiple factors that may act to influence the direction of a person's life. If children experience catastrophic failure in the institutions - family of origin, law enforcement, education, places of worship, etc - we are taught to believe will serve and mold us (something I personally experienced) is it any wonder that some of those same children will later grow up to become angry, disillusioned and even violent individuals? One need only google "toxicity of childhood poverty" to find a wealth of information regarding how this one particular adverse environmental factor alone can leave developing children coming up shorter than their peers later in life.

I believe the United States as a nation could be doing so much better by its children. We need thoughtful policy-making and implementation to replace the rancor and finger pointing that has characterized so much of the political process here in the United States for the last several years. We do not need theatrics and wedge issues capturing and distracting the attention of the public. What is one good example of harnessing the public's time and energy for a completely frivolous purpose? Consider the recent story out of Oklahoma in which a group of Oklahoma Republicans are asking Congress to impeach President Obama over the administration's recommendations that public schools accommodate transgender students in bathrooms. It seems a little strange to me that misleading a nation into a disastrous war in Iraq (former President George W. Bush) was not considered an impeachment worthy offense but somehow improving equity by moving to meet the needs of all students somehow apparently is.

I often want to exclaim "It's the priorities, stupid!"



Saturday, May 21, 2016

School of Hard Knocks

Saturday, May 21, 2016


The School of Hard Knocks gave me an involuntary assignment yesterday. I am resting this weekend due to acute pain in my left shoulder. Given the issues I have had with my left shoulder in the past I have been wondering if I may need to do something more aggressive to successfully heal my shoulder. Physical therapy alone has apparently not been sufficient.

It's a measure of how good my mental health is now that I haven't been getting caught up in really dark, pessimistic thoughts concerning worst case scenarios regarding my shoulder and future capacity to work. I have been keeping myself sufficiently distracted such that I don't make time to get caught in negative thinking.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Transcending Limited Ideas

Wednesday, May 18, 2016


Though I continue to see my therapist these days I find myself feeling more and more worn out from the journey of discussing, exploring, plumbing and healing from the sadness and grief I carried around for so long. In essence I feel I am discovering a certain important reality that many ultimately will discover on their own when they do their own personal healing. That reality is that it eventually becomes incredibly boring to talk about how we have been victimized. Eventually an obsessive lingering in the darkness of our own personal wounds begins to feel profoundly suffocating. Eventually we simply must seek the light in our lives and dwell there because the darkness is so trite, barren and uninteresting.

Indeed, how often can we go on and on about our wounds? How many times can we relive the incidents that we found so devastating? Such an obsessive fixation on the darkness becomes something akin to a dog who keeps chewing on the same bone over and over and over again in the hope of finding some small morsel that makes all his effort worthwhile. Once the morsels have all been chewed and digested it's time to move on to something else.

I feel relieved to be moving on in my own way. It is time for me to move on. I feel big changes will be occurring in my life very soon.


Monday, May 16, 2016

You Are Not Alone; You Have Friends

Monday, May 16, 2016


Something profoundly shifted within me in the last week. I felt as if this huge door swung closed inside me. It seems like it’s the door on my past. Having my sadness witnessed by other men of the local ManKind Project community was very freeing…and liberating. Having men present to me in this way counteracted a very deeply ingrained negative belief I had developed in my childhood. That belief was “I am alone” in my suffering.

I now feel a growing urgency to move on with my life. With my early life history no longer burdening me as it once did I can look to the future with a renewed sense of hope and faith in the reality of immense possibilities.


Nearly three years have passed since I first experienced the wondrous power of EMDR therapy. I continue to relish the gift of my eyesight each and every day. I never would have expected that such a sense of wonder would characterize my life at this stage of my life. As I have noted in past sessions with my therapist it seems I am now experiencing the joy and wonder children whose lives are relatively carefree experience when they are children. It seems not at all unusual to therefore sometimes feel as if my life today is very backwards and upside down. The evolution of my personal development did not unfold in the way it does for many people.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

The Type of People I Want In My Life

Thursday, May 12, 2016


I had a conversation with two different friends yesterday. These conversations led me to reflect on the type of people I wish to have in my life.

A little over a year ago I became involved in a local community of men after participating in the New Warrior Training Adventure offered by the ManKind Project. I first heard of the ManKind Project a number of years ago. I recently received an email that enumerated "principles" of the ManKind Project. I am sharing these below as well as offering some of my own commentary (in italics) on them.

Principles of the ManKind Project

MKP didn't invent these - initiated men became aware of them, and choose to live by them. These principles are unchanging and absolute. The intention is to follow these principles always, and to be aware of, acknowledge and learn from those times when these principles are forgotten.

Responsibility -- I am responsible for my life--my feelings, my choices, and my actions. I choose my reactions. I use "I" statements.
To be fully responsible for your life on a consistent basis is, as I understand it, to choose each and every day to live in and from your personal power. Being a fully responsible person is the antithesis of living out of a victim identity. Just following this one major principle alone can seem quite daunting. I myself have previously struggled with feelings of victimization. We may indeed experience horrific victimization in our lives. But the choice to seek to transcend undesired circumstances is always ours to make.

Integrity -- My choices and actions are consistent with my intentions, mission and commitments. I keep my promises. I do what I say I will. I walk the talk.
Another word for integrity could be alignment. A daily practice of examining our actions and how they do or do not align with our core values can help us to live lives of integrity. A current primary focus of my own healing journey is my intention to clear out my heart space of psychic "debris" such as sadness that took up residence in my heart as a child.

Self-awareness -- I examine my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I am aware of "shadows", patterns, and limiting beliefs that compromise my integrity with these principles.
Self-awareness can be a difficult one to cultivate. I am aware that I have had a pattern of thinking in my own past that was filled with cynicism, anger and a sense of victimization. Though I have healed from the anger and rage I once carried I still am attending to more subtle emotional states that are also unfortunate to carry around.

Accountability -- I "own it" when I am out of integrity with another person. I acknowledge the consequences of my actions, and the choices and intentions behind them. I learn and grow from these lessons.
Accountability is a big one for me. One of my primary issues in my own life was being very genuinely victimized by a number of individuals and institutions when I was a child. It became easy for me to be cynical. I often struggled with what I often interpreted to be some very adolescent sounding interior monologue: "Why should I be a person of integrity willing to be held accountable for my own actions when so many individuals who were influential adults when I was a kid were very dysfunctional and even dangerous?" Becoming, and wanting to be, a responsible adult can be very difficult when you had few positive examples close to you as a child.

Clarity -- I seek understanding. I know what I want. I know who I am.
I sometimes think that clarity is a lifelong process of discovery. I am finally starting to become very clear on what I want and need. If we want to be effective people in the world who use our energy and skills wisely we would be wise to continually seek clarity about who we are and what we need and want.
Mission -- I seek to discover my true mission of service and choose to live in integrity with it.
Mission is what serves as the guiding director of our lives. If we were to imagine our individual life as symbolized by a boat our personal mission would be the steering mechanism. Without a clear mission we can end up living aimless lives marked by confusion, loneliness and ineffectiveness.

Action -- I take action to live my mission and fulfill my commitments. I ask for help when I need it. I ask for what I want. I move through my fear. I take risks.
Moving through fear can be a real challenge. Every day we are presented with any number of opportunities to say 'yes' or 'no' to many things. How much of our lives is dictated by fear? Taking concerted action reminds me of another big issue from my own life. Some of my deepest wounds I carried were due to the inaction of others. I made up a deeply painful narrative that people from my family of origin that supposedly care about me would do more than they did to protect and nurture me.

Authenticity -- I am sincere and honest in all my dealings. I am aware of and own my feelings. I speak my truth. I come from my heart. I am genuine and real.
Authenticity seems to be at a low ebb here in the United States of America. I look around and find myself craving more honest people. I believe the deep seated problems confronting the nation of my citizenry cannot and will not be resolved until we honestly examine the issues at hand. Such honest exploration requires we do not avoid issues, minimize them, deflect our own responsibility in them and so on.

Directness -- I speak clearly to others of my perceptions, feelings and judgments towards them. I neither practice nor tolerate sideways comments and gossip. I am loyal to myself and my brothers and sisters.
I have become a much more direct person as a result of my own personal growth journey. As time has become more precious to me I have come to feel I have no time for the mind games and drama that others get involved in.

Trust -- I trust the process. I am worthy of trust. As I live these principles and values, I learn to trust and respect myself.
I sometimes wonder if there is a person alive who doesn't experience some degree of difficulty in trusting. If we have been wounded I think it's only natural that we will develop some reticence in fully trusting in the future. So how do we trust? That's a good question. I live with that question every day.

Unconditional Love -- I love and accept all others, without reservation. I value and celebrate our differences. I love and accept myself as I am, right now. I achieve a life of love by raising my consciousness to the level from which all love flows.
As I understand it the practice of unconditional love requires that we do not try to change other people. By definition loving someone in an unconditional way means we do not place requirements on them to be or behave in a certain way. Love is not the same as approval. Valuing and celebrating all people is, in my estimation, a central piece in the possibility of creating an enlightened planetary civilization. Is such a world possible? I believe that it is. Some people might consider me a fool to believe in such a possibility. But hasn't that been the way many people have viewed those whose beliefs were ahead of their own time?

Compassion -- I see all behavior as a statement of love or a cry for help. I see and seek to heal the wounds behind "negative" behaviors. I look for the positive intent behind all behavior and strive to forgive of myself and others.
Compassion has always been important to me. If there is one gift I have received (or did I have it inside and simply cultivate it myself?) due to the extensive wounding I experienced it is my capacity to appreciate and empathize with the pain of others. 

I intend to be a better man. I am well on my way.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Leaving Behind A Muted World

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


"The collective denial of our underlying emotional life has contributed to an array of troubles and symptoms. What is often diagnosed as depression is actually low-grade chronic grief locked into the psyche, complete with the ancillary ingredients of shame and despair. Martin Prechtel calls this the gray-sky culture, one in which we do not choose to live an exuberant life, filled with the wonder of the world and the beauty of day-to-day existence, one in which we do not welcome the sorrow that comes with the inevitable losses that accompany us on our walk here. This refusal to enter the depths has shrunk the visible horizon for many of us, dimmed our participation in the joys and sorrows of the world. We suffer from what I call premature death - we turn away from life and are ambivalent toward the world, neither in it nor out of it, lacking a commitment to fully say yes to life."

- The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller

Fully saying yes to life can be a very scary even daunting proposition. I am still learning to do it. I believe many of us human beings spend a lot of our lives learning to say yes in a resounding and full body way.

It has been nearly three years since I discovered a world outside of the gray-sky world I had been (unknowingly) living in for so many years. Even now I still have days where I look at the world around me and wonder how I didn't notice so much more of the vibrance and vividness of the world. It's not uncommon for tears to burst from my eyes when I find myself deeply enjoying a very simple pleasure such as a beautiful flower or a street so beautifully lined with green, leafy trees that I suddenly feel as if I am walking through a cathedral. The world outside our windows is suffused with such incredible energy, variety and color.

And yet so many of us are so preoccupied that we scarcely see what is around us let alone participate with that world beyond our skin. Unhealed, unacknowledged, unattended grief was my overarching preoccupation for so many years. And the grief was so close to me, so thick inside me, that it somehow blinded me to the beautiful world that does in fact exist. Paying no heed to our grief seems a virtual guarantee of cementing it in place within ourselves. Psychotherapist Francis Weller's words I have quoted above strike me as very wise. These words are the fruits of many years spent witnessing and exploring the wounded, dark aspects of humanity.

Spring came to Minnesota several weeks ago. I suppose there are several definitions the local population uses to demarcate the definitive end of winter and beginning of spring. Some might consider the full ice out of area lakes to indicate spring has arrived. Others might say spring begins when the last frost has come and gone. I personally think of spring as being "officially" here when the world has so greened up that your memory of barren trees populating a monochromatic world of browns, grays and whites begins to sufficiently fade such that you wonder how the world could look anything other than green.

Minnesota is an interesting place to have serve as a backdrop for a personal awakening. Seasonal variation is so intense here. Subtlety is not synonymous with Minnesota physical climatology.

I am grateful to enjoy the many blessings I have in my life.


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Nearly All Clear

Tuesday, May 10, 2016


Today was an excellent day.

I have been proactive about my health for what feels like a very long time now. In reality it's been nearly three years since I became so rigorously responsible about my health. The shock of getting diagnosed with PTSD back in 2013 shook me up quite a bit. I honestly don't know who I would be today if I hadn't gone through what I did in 2013.

I had my annual physical exam today. I will get the results of my blood work tomorrow. I feel confident that the remaining results will be good. My blood pressure was basically the lowest it has been these last three years I have been getting regular health care. I feel myself finally able to be relatively calm much of the time. This is such a blessing. There are many, many very anxious people out there in the world.

I met with my therapist today. We spoke of something I have previously referenced in other psychotherapeutic contexts. I spoke of the people who were directly and tangentially involved with my father's near murder in 1982. I decided to do an activity that focuses specifically on the teenage boy I understand was responsible for pulling the trigger that marked the last attempt on my father's life.

How do you obtain closure on something that can never have true closure?

This question has lived inside me for several decades. When you have been victimized by someone whom you can identify it is possible to seek out some form of accountability or justice. But what happens when you have been harmed by people you have never personally met? How do you come to terms with an experience of victimization in which you can never realistically expect that individual or group of individuals responsible for harm done to you to be held accountable for their actions? How do you go on? I have "gone on" for decades. So I suppose I should reframe the above question.

What is within my power to do now, in this present moment, to let go of something that caused me such immense pain so long ago?

When we have been harmed by some individual or institution what can we do to move on when there is no real hope of ever holding those directly involved accountable?







Friday, May 6, 2016

A Clear Mind

Friday May 6, 2016


Spring in Minnesota is...a revelation. After enduring months of dormancy I virtually want to sing entire songs of praise that the trees, shrubs and animals awaken once again to celebrate a new year of green...and life. I have felt this way each of the four springs I have lived in Minnesota. But this year is different in a profound way. This year, unlike recent years, I find myself feeling fairly good most of the time.

I am getting a lot of exercise in my current job. It's a seasonal position. There are some great aspects about it. I am improving my physical fitness whilst I work. Many people cannot say that about their jobs. I also get to spend time out in fresh air. It's a delight.

I have been thinking about my father today. It's his birthday. My thoughts about him on this day of his birth are also different than they were in recent years. I doubt that we will ever see eye to eye. Perhaps we even have irreconcilable differences. But I finally feel I am coming to some abiding measure of inner peace about this reality. It is not my responsibility to change him. And it never was my responsibility. I can use all the energy I once spent trying to cajole and change other people on much more worthy adventures.

I feel very optimistic about my own life now. I still go to therapy but it's for "maintenance care" rather than to explore profound, deeply entrenched issues. I have never been so proactive about my own health in my entire life. And I have been living in this way for nearly three years now.

Life is good!


Sunday, May 1, 2016

Honoring My Mother

Sunday, May 1, 2016


I prepared a mother's day card for my mother today. I doubt she will receive it on time in Germany. But it will arrive soon enough. I try my best to be a thoughtful son to my two parents by remembering them on special occasions.

It has always been easier to be such a person for my mother. Some of her less than stellar decisions were somewhat entangled in the illness that effectively invaded her life when she was a very young woman. When I think of her it's still difficult on occasion to not think about the time she spent living and working as a nurse in El Paso, Texas. To this day I still do not fully understand what motivated her to make the choice to do that. She lived in a town where she basically knew nobody and was thousands of miles away from her own siblings in Germany. And she wasn't exactly next door to me in Texas at that time either.

My father is a different matter. He made some poor choices in his life as well. But he never could point to schizophrenia as a complicating factor in the direction he took his own life. What motivated him to make certain choices in his own life also still remains a mystery to me.

Some of us will never understand much about who are parents were and are.