Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Nearly All Clear

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Today was an excellent day.

I have been proactive about my health for what feels like a very long time now. In reality it's been nearly three years since I became so rigorously responsible about my health. The shock of getting diagnosed with PTSD back in 2013 shook me up quite a bit. I honestly don't know who I would be today if I hadn't gone through what I did in 2013.

I had my annual physical exam today. I will get the results of my blood work tomorrow. I feel confident that the remaining results will be good. My blood pressure was basically the lowest it has been these last three years I have been getting regular health care. I feel myself finally able to be relatively calm much of the time. This is such a blessing. There are many, many very anxious people out there in the world.

I met with my therapist today. We spoke of something I have previously referenced in other psychotherapeutic contexts. I spoke of the people who were directly and tangentially involved with my father's near murder in 1982. I decided to do an activity that focuses specifically on the teenage boy I understand was responsible for pulling the trigger that marked the last attempt on my father's life.

How do you obtain closure on something that can never have true closure?

This question has lived inside me for several decades. When you have been victimized by someone whom you can identify it is possible to seek out some form of accountability or justice. But what happens when you have been harmed by people you have never personally met? How do you come to terms with an experience of victimization in which you can never realistically expect that individual or group of individuals responsible for harm done to you to be held accountable for their actions? How do you go on? I have "gone on" for decades. So I suppose I should reframe the above question.

What is within my power to do now, in this present moment, to let go of something that caused me such immense pain so long ago?

When we have been harmed by some individual or institution what can we do to move on when there is no real hope of ever holding those directly involved accountable?

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!