Saturday, August 31, 2013

The Wonders of Diagnosis

Saturday, August 31, 2013


Yesterday did not unfold quite as I had expected.  I had scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist at Allina Health to provide a second opinion on the PTSD diagnosis that I received in late June from my current therapist (who happens to be a clinical social worker).  The evaluation session was not quite what I had imagined or hoped for.

I had understood my appointment would be for ninety minutes.  Some time into the session I was informed it was actually scheduled to be sixty minutes in length.  The doctor ultimately gave me ninety minutes of her time (which I appreciated).  I did not find her methodology for taking a general mental health history to be very straightforward or especially thorough.  Given my complex past history it can take quite a while to describe it to the most intelligent and focused of people.  I did not even describe all the events in my early life which I found to be especially stressful.  I certainly was willing to do so and yet the conversation did not evolve in such a way that seemed to really emphasize the importance of sufficient thoroughness.

The one "win" I did take away from the session was the input of someone who essentially could be completely objective about my relationship with my father.  My sense of the doctor's impression of my circumstances is there is little benefit to be gained by attempting to have an active relationship with my father.  Because my father does not give me the depth of emotional support I am looking for it would be wise for me to cease and desist spending my precious energy trying to obtain something I am never likely to get.  This input at least proved helpful.

I did not find the doctor's final recommendation especially helpful though.  Her recommendation was that I consider undergoing psychoanalysis.  This would be an intensive process where I would meet with an analyst several times a week for what could ultimately be a few years.  I am not convinced this would ultimately prove to be a healthy course of action.  And here is why I feel this way.

It has been my experience that some forms of therapy can actually prove to eventually be of little benefit over a longer period of time.  Talk therapy, which I did with two psychiatrists previously, is a great example.  I believe there can be great value in talk therapy as a way of identifying your core issues and then developing a strategy to resolve them.  And yet eventually if all you ever do is continue to talk about your problems that is all you will ever have because that is where you are focusing your attention.  What you put your attention on will grow.  If all you ever think about are your problems then that is what will fill your consciousness and devour your attention.  How can your problems ultimately vanish if all you continue to do is fixate on them?  If you look at a wall painted blue all day long what will you experience?  You will experience a blue wall.

My experience of EMDR therapy thus far convinces me that continuing to utilize this technique could continue to produce excellent results.  I already feel much better in only two months of work with my current therapist.  In the short term I believe the best course of action I can take is to continue the work I am doing with my therapist, take the Resilience Training program which begins next week at the Penny George Institute, continue to reduce stress in my life wherever possible, continue to refine my exercise regimen, find venues in which I find healthy men who are committed to living full lives and focus on moving my career in the new direction of wilderness therapy and ecotourism.

Last night I used a process my therapist introduced to me to seek clarity and calm.  I definitely found some relief and insight.  I followed one of my insights and awoke early this morning to make a prayer and offering to Orion.  Orion is a prominent constellation we see in the early evening hours in winter.  This time of year he can be found fairly high in the eastern sky at dawn.  I asked for help to access the warrior inside of me.  I need the discipline, power and prowess of the warrior archetype in my life.  I have found that energy within me as I walk this path of healing.  What a journey it is.

I am still a bit baffled as to what to make of the diagnosis the psychiatrist provided yesterday.  I suppose it will prove to be more fodder for me to process when I see my therapist on Monday.  I am a highly intuitive person; something I can confidently state is that I didn't feel much heart based warmth in that meeting yesterday.  I need people in my life who live a healthy balance between heart and mind.  The Resilience Training program I will be starting next week cannot come a moment too soon!







Friday, August 30, 2013

A Gentle Breeze to Bid August Farewell

Friday, August 30, 2013


I feel extremely grateful that a deck of low clouds is shading the Twin Cities from the sun.  We've had a respectable heat wave for days.  Now a north wind is blowing and announcing that autumn is coming soon.  The rapidly shortening days are another herald of the fact that the great wheel of the seasons is now turning.  I am actually starting to feel enthusiastic about the coming of autumn.

The extreme dedication I have made to my own recovery has been like a season unto itself.  Just as summer will soon end and a new season begin so will my initiatory phase of my healing process soon end.  I am indeed wading deep into the muck of the psychic pain I have carried around for too long.  I am most certainly in the thick of it now.  Some days the journey through the quagmire of unexpressed sadness, anger, resentment, confusion and pain seems like a lost cause.  Other days I seem to find my footing with a consistent grace that nearly baffles me.  Or perhaps it is the iron clad will I am bringing to this "self restoration" project that perplexes me even more.  I became a strong person even as a young child and young man due to the many unfortunate and unwanted experiences I had.  I am appreciating that strength more and more.  With each day that I awaken and follow my daily regimen of self care with firm, unwavering discipline (much like the loving reverence a priest will show to his altar and church) I find myself gradually believing in myself more and more.  My inner knowing is growing; I know I will find myself in my own version of the "promised land" in due time.  It's just that time factor that still irks me.

Today may be the most important day yet in my healing process.  In a few short hours I will be meeting with a psychiatrist here at Abbott Hospital who specializes in the issue of PTSD.  I deliberately sought out a second opinion because I want to have the substantive weight of a psychiatrist's evaluation to be able to reference in the near future when I finally confront my father (yet again) and make it clear to him our relationship is over unless he agrees to mediation with an objective third party mediator.  After I make my final communication to him in the coming week I will stand resolute in my demand for mediation.  I have been flexible and respectful as much as possible.  I do not feel the same measure of respect has been returned to me.

It has become clear through my efforts to pursue legal consultation throughout this month that I would very likely not be perceived to have a viable case against my father were I to attempt to take him to court.  It is not even my first preference to use such an option were it in fact open to me.  But I was adamant about exhausting all possible avenues to obtain relief and justice for myself.  At least now I can look back later in life and not wonder what might have happened if I had looked into all possibilities.  I intend to live a life with minimal regrets from now on.

My previous depressive affect is now indeed truly gone.  There are moments when I slip into deep sadness (as I did yesterday after reading about the devastation of Fukushima in Japan that may indeed really, truly and astonishingly poison much of the Pacific in the next decade) but thankfully the sadness does not fester and metastasize into depression.  Actually I think it would be almost unreasonable to expect that the depression would not have lifted by now considering how much I have been doing to vaporize it.  The endorphins I am releasing on a nearly daily basis due to my exercise regimen consistently help me to clear and relax my mind.  The predominant emotion I am now aware of feeling is anger.  It's the anger I felt (but so often did not express) due to so many injustices that accumulated in my psyche much like the radioactive isotopes are accumulating in the waters of the Pacific Ocean.  Despite the unfortunate state of much of the world I am growing increasingly hopeful about the range of opportunities possible for my own future life.

And so here is the count: I have two more appointments scheduled with my acupuncturist; he will reassess me after my tenth visit next week.  I have two more visits to my physical therapist.  I will likely be released from appointments after that.  And then I have my ongoing appointments with my therapist.  How many more of those will I have?  Dozens it would seem.  But I am so much better off than I was.

As a gift to myself in honor of my upcoming watershed birthday moment I am attending the 29th Annual Minnesota Men's Conference in September.  It will provide me a great opportunity to get away and enjoy the wondrous healing power of nature.  I have wanted to get out of the city on at least one trip to the virtual equivalent of wilderness before the cooler winds of autumn themselves pass away and Old Man Winter announces his return.

I literally do not think I could have worked harder to restore my health this month.  I am proud of my dedication.  With focus, will, support and endurance you can indeed accomplish great things!





Thursday, August 29, 2013

We Had To Destroy The Village In Order To Save It


Thursday, August 29, 2013


I thought of the title for my posting today after reading a story about the devastating impact of the Fukushima disaster in Japan.  It is apparently much worse than most people know.  But before I speak about that below appears the apparent origin of the phrase I used as my title.  This is taken from lovely Wikipedia:

A famous quote from the Vietnam War was a statement attributed to an unnamed U.S. officer by AP correspondent Peter Arnett in his writing about Bến Tre city on 7 February 1968:

"It became necessary to destroy the town to save it', a United States major said today. He was talking about the decision by allied commanders to bomb and shell the town regardless of civilian casualties, to rout the Vietcong."

The quote became distorted in subsequent publications, eventually becoming the more familiar, "We had to destroy the village in order to save it." Victor Hanson, writing for the conservative National Review Online, has called into question the accuracy of the original quote and its source.

I thought of this quote today because I often wonder if we humans as a species will nearly destroy the entire planet before we actually take sufficient steps to conserve it for future generations (you know...the people who will be born after the year 2100).  The source of the article I read today can be found here.

Make sure you have not had anything at all to eat when you start reading.  I actually cried after reading this...though not immediately.  No, my immediate reaction was to have a case of "deer in the headlights".  I could not think clearly and I stared off into the distance for a while.  It's stories like these that could activate anyone's PTSD...and that is why I am writing about it here.

The Pacific Ocean is by far our largest ocean of the planet.  Over a billion people rely on the ecosystems within the Pacific Ocean to sustain them with important fish protein.  If this article is even somewhat correct in depicting the severity of the continuing leakage of radiation from Fukushima we may very well experience a massive food crisis if these ecosystems begin collapsing.  It boggles my mind to imagine the scale of this.

I know something about the Pacific Ocean and ocean policy because I previously studied at the Monterey Institute of International Studies in beautiful Monterey, California.  Earlier in its history Monterey was a community with a large canning industry.  It actually served as inspiration for the book Cannery Row.  While attending school at the Monterey Institute of International Studies I worked for the Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary, the Otter Project and the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch Program.  The Seafood Watch Program works to promote a sustainable seafood industry throughout the United States.  I can hardly conceive of what is going to transpire over the next decade due to the disaster in Japan.  I actually do not want to imagine what the full range of consequences may be.

Take a moment to watch the computer simulation of the gradual dispersal of radioactive water across the entire Pacific Ocean through the year 2020.  I marvel at our species' capacity for self-destructive behavior.  Never in my life have such beautiful colors caused me such horror.  It especially pains me to imagine what may unfold because I lived in California for several years and have also traveled to Hawaii for education and pleasure. Watching the waters around Hawaii turn a sickly magenta in the simulation nearly made me sick to my stomach.  Hawaii alone contains such amazing beauty.  Between the tsunami generated marine debris now drifting through the Pacific Ocean and the radioactive water that is now also dispersing it horrifies me to think what this may do to the economy of Hawaii...and its many people.  This is just another classic example of what the environmental policy world would label a "transboundary issue".  Though the disaster originated in Japan people throughout the entire Pacific Basin are going to be affected...likely for years.  The sadness I feel is immense.

Stories like these are perfect examples of why I hesitate to follow the news these days.  It's all so sad and depressing.  The Arctic is rapidly melting and the Pacific is being contaminated 30 MONTHS after the Japanese tsunami.  It's like the Pacific Ocean version of Chernobyl.  Stories like these also just cement my deeply held conviction that we need a revolution in how humanity conceives of itself and the planet upon which we depend.  We are collectively engaged in an unsustainable lifestyle of extraordinary consumption that has no long term future.  And the sooner we get off our road to perdition the better what future we leave to our children will be.

Another reason I am motivated to reference the Fukushima disaster is to also point to it as an example of the destructive power of lies.  Media apathy (or complicity in covering up disasters) is unfortunate and all too common.  And yet covering up a disaster as expansive as this one just exacerbates the consequences.  Collective trust is undermined and even destroyed when the primary institutions of a nation will not tell the citizenry the truth.  Trauma of a scale like what the Japanese people have endured can only be inflamed all the more when your own government cannot be trusted to tell you the complete truth about something as horrific as a nuclear reactor meltdown.

As for me and as for tonight I need to log off.  My sorrow is as deep and wide as the Pacific Ocean whose beautiful expanses I remember so fondly.  May we all wake up and start loving one another.

Good night.


Vision

Wednesday, August 28, 2013 (composed the next day)


I went to bed last night consciously aware of the fact that I did not post an entry yesterday.  Thankfully the well is beginning to fill up again.  I am speaking in metaphor here; I mean the well of my own internal energy is filling once more.

During my trip to Germany in May of this year I experienced some blurred vision.  I was intrigued and a little anxious when I would experience blurring of my long distance vision.  Each time it would happen it would be very temporary; it typically lasted perhaps ten seconds at most.  Over three years ago I had laser correction surgery to correct my very near-sighted vision.  In February of this year, as part of a screening for a job, my vision was tested.  My vision was measured at 20/17...better than 20/20!  This was very gratifying.  And knowing my vision was so good as recently as February made it all the more concerning when I began having blurred vision in May.

The blurred vision phenomenon has persisted throughout the summer.  I still cannot fully understand what is going on.  I notice it only tends to occur immediately after I have been exerting myself in some form of exercise at the YMCA or getting about on my bike.  And usually it clears in about ten seconds at most.  I also notice different forms of indoor lighting are apt to affect me to some degree.  I spoke to my doctor about this issue earlier this summer.  Routine screening showed nothing to be concerned about.

Upon beginning therapy in June of this year I began noticing a different phenomenon after I would do a session featuring EMDR.  Upon walking out into the world at large I would notice my vision was incredibly clear.  When I use the words "incredibly clear" I mean so clear that it seems I have some sort of superhero vision like what Superman would enjoy.  The world would appear as vivid and colorful as what you would see in the best Disney movies.  I have marveled at this phenomenon.

My most recent session with my therapist again featured EMDR.  And yet again I left the session and walked into a world that was stunningly vivid.  And yet it was something I said in that most recent session that now stands out most in my recollection.  During the process of EMDR I am repeatedly asked to describe where in my body I feel certain sensations and feelings.  At one point yesterday I located certain feelings as being behind my eyes.  This was news to me.  I have been wondering, especially since this most recent session, about the impact of stress on our literal eyesight as well as our more metaphorical (but no less real) psychological or metaphysical vision.  As I continue my therapy I realize that my vision for my own future life is continuing to clarify.  I am starting to "see" that which I wish to do in the future.

In my past professional life I have spent a lot of time sitting in front of computers for a variety of purposes.  Though personal computers will always be vital to my life in the future I have made the firm decision that my future work needs to feature a lot of time looking at beautiful things other than computers.  There is nothing quite like the fearful thought of "Why is my vision blurring? Could I be going blind?" to stoke a renewed appreciation for the beauty of having vision and what that allows you to experience.  I can't recall ever appreciating trees, clouds, the color green and so on as much as I do now.  And I pray I am not losing my vision.  I will be seeing my doctor again next month for a follow up regarding my eyesight.


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Finding My Tribe

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


It's a very sultry night.  Earlier this evening I went to the building that houses the Twin Cities Men's Center.  I had learned about a gay men's support group offered by TCMC through a contact I have at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  I was hoping I might find a group that could be of help to me in my ongoing therapeutic work.  I sat out in the hallway and read a bi-monthly bulletin published by TCMC. As time passed I would look up every so often when men would approach the entrance and walk inside.  I wasn't sure the group would be a fit for me.  As more time passed I noticed most of the men were much older than me.  I felt less and less inclined to attend.  Eventually I left.  I might try attending a different group that is offered on Friday evenings.

Finding support that will prove a match to your own individual needs can be quite a challenge.  One "win" I did take away from the evening was a listing of upcoming events contained in the bulletin that might offer me some better leads.  The 29th Annual Minnesota Men's Conference is coming up in September.  The title of the conference this year is Dark Talks with Screeching Pines: Why Men Listen to Nature's Voices.  This title immediately grabbed my attention.  This is not surprising given my love of nature and my studies in international environmental policy.  Depending on the particular offerings within the conference I might try to get away and attend part of it.  It would be so nice to get out of Minneapolis for a time before autumn begins in earnest (though it still seems so far away considering it was 95F and humid today).

I went to physical therapy today and was pleased to be called a "model patient" by my physical therapist.  My progress has been so good that I should be essentially done with physical therapy visits in another two weeks.  I am now beginning to prepare to transition to the Resilience Training program offered through the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing.  I was lucky enough to get my initial intake appointment with the holistic psychiatrist who works within the training on Thursday of this week.  The momentum is building.

My well of creative thought and inspiration still seems to be running a bit dry lately.  I sit down to write in my blog and I struggle a bit for an engaging topic.  From what I know it is not uncommon for writers to have dry periods throughout their creative careers.  Perhaps a majority of my creative power needs to remain within me as I steadily restore my health.  I continue to feel better and better each day.

September doesn't look to be much less demanding in terms of my recovery work.  One major difference is that I have begun to establish a rhythm of exercise and other activities.  Having such a structure in place is vital to my own healing.  I wake up in the mornings now and feel I have several places to go that nurture my body and mind.

Monday, August 26, 2013

That Wondrous Detail Called Timing

Monday, August 26, 2013


Today I began to make my first active efforts to send out feelers into the world of ecotourism and wilderness therapy.  I changed my career focus after the unexpected developments of June of this year. I am happy to be moving in a new direction.  Casting seeds is always an important step in any new venture.

Speaking of casting seeds it is incredibly warm even with the sky now darkening.  If I didn't have a calendar to reference I would not believe that September was only a week away.  The hottest weather of the year has arrived now.  I have planted many metaphorical seeds these last many weeks to improve my health.  I am now starting to see great results.  On some level I feel very grateful that I went through the process I have these last two months during the summer season.  Restructuring my life and making my way to countless medical appointments in the heart of winter would have been another experience altogether!

Timing has also been on my mind because it sometimes feels as if I am dealing with a multitude of issues all at the same time.  Or at least I am trying my best to deal with many challenges simultaneously.  It's no wonder I experienced a state of psychological overwhelm in June.  Too many things were brewing all at once.  I awoke to find myself engulfed in a perfect storm of change and demands I was not expecting to experience.

I have plenty of good news to celebrate.  My knee is in good condition.  My lower back is also finally much better.  I will be done with my physical therapy in about two weeks.  And I only have two more acupuncture appointments before I will be reassessed.  It's been a long journey.  And I am making it through.

I suppose I am in a bit of a writing dry patch.  I cannot think of anything more creative to report than my own progress.

Good night.




Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Great Adventure

Saturday, August 24, 2013


For many people recovery proceeds in nothing like a straight line.  There are high points and low points, unexpected developments, pleasant surprises and then the background daily movement which sometimes feels like moving through a quagmire.  Today I have a bit of a case of the "blahs".

I feel grief because it has become highly apparent that I seem to have very little hope of pursuing actionable legal recourse regarding the abuse I experienced in my childhood.  As I understand it many a lawyer would interpret a case possibility such as mine by crunching the financial numbers to determine the likelihood of an outcome that would make their efforts worthwhile.  Given my particular case it seems the desired outcome might prove quite elusive.

I am also aware of feeling an immense amount of frustration and anger.  I find myself in this situation in part because I have not had sufficient healthy male mentoring in my life.  I made reference to this in my post from yesterday.  Though I have enjoyed the great honor of finding some amazing men as mentors and friends as an adult man I unfortunately did not have such luck as a child.  And the limitations of that time still impact me now on occasion.  It's only recently that my hunger for healthy masculine energy has thoroughly erupted into my waking consciousness.

So now my great adventure is to recover the authentic masculine as a part of my healing journey.  I have begun looking for resources here in the Twin Cities to help me with this aspect of my needs.  It is partly a result of my dissatisfaction with a certain chorus group I joined that I am now looking elsewhere and broadening my horizons.  It would be unwise for me to fail to look extensively at other possibilities.

In my next post I will write more about one of the deities from ancient tribal tradition who was omnipresent to me during my visit to Germany in May of this year.





Friday, August 23, 2013

Healthy Male Models

Friday, August 23, 2013


I did not choose my title for today's entry to advocate models like what you would expect to find at an underwear modeling photo shoot.  Yet I certainly appreciate handsome male models as much as the next gay man.  When I speak of models here I refer to examples of healthy men and healthy masculinity.  I was reminded of my hunger for such examples today when I attended a brief workshop in Uptown.

As seems to happen so very often I was yet again the only man who attended the workshop; I was in a circle surrounded by women.  Those who have known me for a long time and who also know me well know that I worked through my issues of wounding from women in my life many years ago.  What is predominant in my awareness now is my desire for healthy men in my life.  And I am almost always reminded of this hunger when I end up being the only man in a room with a group of women.  Such experiences also just reinforce my opinion that there is indeed a crisis of masculinity in the United States today.  So many men who hold positions of power in this country display little if any moral compass.  Examples of such morally bankrupt men abound in Congress, in industry and so on.  And I for one am fed up with how men are living out their lives in this nation.

While participating in this workshop this morning I could easily feel the deep yearning I have for more authentic men in my life.  And I realize that is a fundamental part of my issue I have with my father; the times he has failed to follow a path of integrity in his own life have caused me disappointment and sadness.  There are many ways sons may feel disappointed by their fathers.  Fathers sometimes deceive their sons.  Mine did.  Fathers in this American culture (and especially those of my father's generation) often do not have much skill in expressing anger and other intense emotions in a healthy way.  Men in this culture still walk around with many wounds due to unhealthy expectations that to be a man means to hide strong feelings.  I've reflected on these issues before.  I have even written about this principle issue of masculinity here on my blog in earlier posts.  It's obviously a seminal issue considering how I come back to it again and again.

Today I also had a deeper realization of what caused my PTSD to be triggered when I came back from Germany in June.  I was feeling grief after visiting my birthmother and learning that she now has a degree of dementia in addition to her schizophrenia.  I felt a desire to share my pain and grief with people who love me as I needed such support to help me stay healthy.  I wanted to be able to discuss it with my father.  But he is too enmeshed in his own issues to offer me much undivided attention.  And thus, just as happened when I was a child, I again feel the frustration of having a father who is not sufficiently emotionally available to meet my basic needs.  This has been a lifelong theme for me.  Despite my desire to break the pattern it seems I will only become enmeshed in it each and every time I interact with my father.  It thus has become clear to me that I need to not expect anything of real substance from him.  And that clarity has caused me additional grief.

It is obvious to me now that I must cultivate my own healthy masculinity without looking to my father for any additional guidance or support.  I can heal and move forward without him.  And yet it saddens me when I consider just how deeply my needs were so often not met in the past.

Men need to learn how to feel and express pain in this culture.  Our national governance may be a mess.  There may be seemingly endless squabbling about federal spending and future government debt.   These are very real crises and must be addressed.  But there is another crisis among so many.  There is the deficit of healthy masculinity in this nation.  It is sad.  And we need to have a national conversation about this issue as well.




Thursday, August 22, 2013

Another Productive Day


Thursday, August 22, 2013


In the journey of healing there are days that feature major breakthroughs.  Then there are other days that are equally important but of a seemingly less remarkable nature.  Today fit in the latter category.

I had my follow up appointment this morning to have my left knee reassessed.  I was pleased to receive such positive input; my doctor encouraged me to follow up in about eight weeks if there is a need to do so.  Because my progress has been so good I am now nearly done with my physical therapy focused specifically on my knee and hip.  It's great to see I am making such excellent progress in my recovery.  Tomorrow morning I will have my follow up appointment at the Institute for Low Back and Neck Care.  This is also a reassessment appointment.  After I'm done with that appointment it appears I will be on the downhill slide to completing my rehabilitative work focused on my physical health.  Whew!

Today was also the fifth day in a row I dutifully attended classes at my local YMCA.  I have made a commitment to myself to never again let my health deteriorate as much as it did in the last year.  It's as if  I was caught in a chaotic tornado for a long while and I simply could not calm down.  Now that I am receiving ongoing treatment specific for my PTSD I am confident that in time I will not only recover but will attain a quality of health I have not previously enjoyed.  I look forward to those days that I intend to one day see in the relatively near future.

It's amazing what can happen when you are willing to tear down all the facets of your life that no longer serve you and begin to craft a new foundation.  The last two months I have essentially been creating a new foundation.  It's quite an energy intensive process.


This evening, as I was preparing to go to sleep, I was able to consciously recognize more fully what my greatest fear now is.  My greatest fear is getting caught up again in what I would call the "trance of trauma".  As I continue to move in the direction of greater and greater balance in my own life I can look back and see how utterly imbalanced my life was for so long.  I had given my time for free in the hope of making a new career for myself for much too long (since 2011).  My generosity to others was so great that I began hurting myself in the process.  And I wasn't even that conscious of how deeply imbalanced my life was!  I was indeed caught in something like a trance.

On some level I feel I became predisposed to this imbalance (giving to others versus care of self) at a very early age.  When my mother began to suffer her schizophrenic breakdown there was no escape for me.  And there was no easy way for my father to respond; my father had to deal with her breakdown and in the process I feel that I did not receive enough energy to develop in a completely healthy way.  This doesn't mean that I am permanently warped now. And it doesn't mean I cannot heal.  What I do believe is that a fundamental part of my short term recovery must include cultivating a deep mindfulness of that fine balance between self and others.  I need to immerse myself in deep self-care.  In doing so I will continue to successfully walk the path of healing.




Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A Huge Leap Forward: One Major Symptom Is Gone

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


Today was the type of day that gave me high octane encouragement to keep pressing forward in my healing journey.  I had two very encouraging developments.

After my core conditioning class at the Y I noticed that a certain feeling was gone from within me.  I am still feeling a lot of sadness, anger and frustration.  And yet the feeling of depression is gone now.  As soon as I realized the difference in my interior world I rejoiced.  My efforts to improve my health are now paying off.  Having experienced a major depressive episode at an earlier time in my life I can confidently say that there are many affects I would prefer to have compared to that of a depressive one. It's not at all fun to be angry, sad or feel very hurt but at least these states are conditions in which there is a more active energy inside.  Depression, at least to me, has felt like a hollow, frozen, low energy state in which motion itself is difficult to generate.  I'm finally coming out of this darker, more concerning type of affect.

The second development later in the day just reinforced my already growing feeling of encouragement. I learned that the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing awarded me a full scholarship to cover the cost of participating in the Institute's eight week long Resilience Training program.  The program will begin in two weeks.  It features training in formulating an appropriate exercise program, nutritional counseling and mental health support.  I am so excited to be able to participate in this training.  For some time now I have felt that my social support system has not been adequate to my needs.  This program will give me quite the "shot in the arm" to enhance my growth.


I am also encouraged by the fact that I always feel so much better the day after I do a session with my therapist that includes EMDR.  My eyesight always seems especially vivid on the days immediately following such sessions.  It feels as if I am waking up to a new life.

I also went to physical therapy today.  I am finally starting to feel a degree of strength in my body that I have not felt for some time now.  If anything I need to be cautious to not overdo it rather than be concerned about not working hard enough to reinvigorate my health.  There are some days when I have done an hour long class at the YMCA and then I turn around and also do an hour of physical therapy.  That can be a lot to demand of the body!

Tomorrow will be a good day as well.  I am scheduled to meet with a physician from Hennepin County Medical Center in the morning.  I look forward to the dialogue we will have.

Life is getting better all the time!



Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I Think I Am Getting Hooked on EMDR

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


I had another session with my therapist today.  After doing a check-in regarding current events we plunged into some old psychic material using the wonder of EMDR.  I have to say I am starting to really appreciate the power of this technique.  Every time I leave a session in which my therapist uses EMDR the world looks wondrously crisp and alive.  It's amazing how vivid the world looks.  The full moon in the sign of Aquarius was lighting up the sky as I made my way home tonight.  The light of the moon mingling with the light of streetlights, homes and cars made for an interesting collage of imagery.

It's amazing how my amazement and appreciation for the EMDR technique continues to grow.  Today I found myself wondering if there is some device that mimics the pulses I experience in the EMDR process that I could use to produce a similar result.  I have also noticed that I feel calmer, more centered and more able to withstand the impact of negative thoughts after completing EMDR sessions.

I am grateful for the personal work I have done thus far.  I am also very grateful for the health insurance that is making my work possible.  I feel blessed to live in a progressive state like Minnesota where you can actually afford to have health insurance even as a low income person.

I spoke with my therapist today about going back to work in October.  This seems to be a realistic goal.  I also went to physical therapy today; my physical therapist is pleased with my progress as I continue to strengthen my body.  As one aspect of my health improves it will enable the other issues I have been working through to resolve more quickly as well.  The PTSD diagnosis caused me to reevaluate many aspects of my life.  I now want to move in a new direction with my career.  I plan to do some brainstorming for my career this coming weekend.  As I desire to do something much more physical it is timely that I am committing so much time and energy to attending classes at the YMCA.  I am also excited to sign up for an eight week class with a trainer at the Y who has a great background in personal training.

At the same time I do still feel the weight of sadness as I prepare to make adjustments to my relationship with my father.  I love my father dearly.  And yet I need to change the nature of our relationship.  I'm finally committed to breaking free of unhealthy patterns I have been enmeshed in for far too long.


I have been noticing recently that my viewership of my blog has been dropping off throughout August. I wonder how much can be attributed to the August vacation season and how much might be due to people feeling bored with what I am writing about.  In the near future I might finally open up my blog to comments from other people.  Thus far I felt the need to protect myself by insulating myself from the possibility of commentary.  Now that I am stronger and my outlook is improving I can imagine allowing the world into my blog-realm a little more.  More details on that soon!










Monday, August 19, 2013

Deeper and Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole

Monday August 19, 2013


As I continue my healing process I continue to marvel at how much energy it requires of me.  I also continue to marvel at how every day I am successfully showing up again and again to do the work that is necessary for me to ultimately find a deeper, more resilient level of health and peace.  It's even more amazing how well I am doing when I consider how tenuous my current social support system is.  Events from this past weekend are an unfortunate reminder of this.  No man is an island...and no person should have to go through an arduous recovery process alone.  Thankfully I am reaching out for support and finding my way along.  I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anyone.  This even includes certain people in my life outside of my blood family who have seriously disappointed me with their unkind, cruel or unethical behavior.

I met with my therapist today and told him about events since our last session.  I have made the difficult yet necessary choice to no longer interact with my father without the assistance of another person or persons who can be objective and assist me with communication.  My relationship with my father reached what I would call the point of no return this weekend.  I documented this in my last posting from Saturday.  People are always and forever the children of their parents but that does not mean that you must adhere to the ideas and proclivities of your parents or grandparents once you are an adult.  True adult maturity implies the ability to make healthy choices, set boundaries and decide when you do not feel comfortable with the conduct of another person or group.  If we collectively did only what our parents did we would never have evolved and developed over the centuries.  Evolution requires creativity, risk and a willingness to dream of something bigger than what was previously known and believed to be possible.  I wish to evolve and become a healthier person.  And sometimes evolution is a painful process.

I also had the pleasure of meeting with someone from the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing here in Minneapolis.  I submitted an application for an eight week long Resilience Training program offered through the Institute.  I feel quite confident I will be selected for the program given the depth of my need, my past commitment to serving humanity (as demonstrated in my resume) and the current preponderance of evidence I can cite showing my commitment to my recovery.  I feel very happy to be so proactive.  I intend to remain stalwart in my commitment to the restoration of my health.
I should hear about the status of my application by the end of this week.

My final noteworthy effort of the day was my outreach to the Texas Department of Health and Human Services.  Given what I experienced as a child (as noted in my recent post in which I included a piece of correspondence I submitted to Parkland Hospital) I believe it should be mandatory that hospital emergency room and trauma care environments be required to do psychiatric consults on any patient admitted to such an environment in which they are suffering a life threatening injury that is specifically attributable to domestic violence and/or attempted murder.  And I feel this is especially justified in cases in which the injured person has children.  Were this to be a uniform policy it might help prevent future cases of children going through what I did.  Considering how backwards I believe Texas can be compared to many other states in the nation I am skeptical that such a law might pass the Legislature there if it is not law already.  But I can dream nonetheless.  All I can do is offer my voice and my opinion and then stand back and see what happens.

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding my physical therapy.  Some time in September I should be done with the process.  Gradually, over the course of days and weeks, I am improving.  And once I am finally done it is my intention to never again go through what I am enduring now.  Obviously I cannot control the world or what tomorrow will bring.  But I can do my best to make my life better.  I sleep well at night with how much effort I exert every day to restore my health.



Saturday, August 17, 2013

Sigh

Saturday, August 17, 2013


Well yet again I am surprised.  And when I think about it I am surprised that I am surprised for it seems if the past is any indication I should not be (surprised).

My father called me today.  He agreed to call me this weekend in response to my request for the opportunity to enter into mediation with him.  I made my mediation request this past week by email.  He then called me and we had an unplanned conversation about it.  He was very opposed to the idea.

When he called today he made no mention of my request for mediation.  I did not bring it up because I wanted to see if he would actually make a positive or negative response to my request.  Rather than acknowledge my recent request he instead offered me some financial assistance.  He also probed a bit about my recent health issues.  But he never brought up my interest in mediation.

Several hours later I still do not know what to think.  I genuinely wonder if my father is developing memory problems.  Perhaps he has always had them to some degree.  Or perhaps he is deliberately avoiding the subject of mediation in the hope that I will drop the matter like I did last year.  I am more inclined to think the latter explanation is the correct one.  And I would also rather believe the second one is correct.

What transpired today is all too familiar.  Rather than have an authentic conversation my relationship with my father consists of monetary transactions.  But this is not what I most need.  I need him to understand the circumstances of my health.  I need him to provide me emotional support while I go through the process of improving my health.  When I look at what took place in the most negative frame of mind possible I feel as if my father is attempting to buy me off.  It would seem he is attempting to buy my silence so I will acquiesce and leave long unresolved issues unresolved even longer.

I didn't bring up the idea of mediation because I am simply too tired.  I did not want to risk another heated "conversation" (though it often felt more like a monologue) over the phone with a man whom I no longer recognize.  I truly do not know if his recent defiance is just his typical stubbornness or if he is now also showing some early signs of mental health issues of his own.  If indeed my father has untreated PTSD from thirty years ago (as I believe he does) it would seem to me that this untreated condition may begin to manifest as more severe symptoms in his later years of life.  I simply cannot be sure.

What has become clear is that I have reached the point of no return.  I am no longer willing to continue to feel the anxiety of wondering what is going on in my father's own mind.  Seeking closure by sending him an email and then asking him to confirm he has read it is not sufficient.  He might lie about reading it.  Writing a letter and sending that to him seems equally fruitless.  It seems somehow I must have a conversation with him in some context that will provide me the satisfaction of knowing he clearly knows what my thoughts and feelings are.  It is not necessary that he agree with my thoughts and feelings.  I simply need to somehow communicate with him so he knows what I think and feel.  But how will I do that?  That is my question of the day.

The fork in the road I wrote of the other day has come and gone.  I now can see it behind me.  I must find some way to closure if that is possible.  I am just not sure how to do that.  This work is going to require the guidance of my therapist.  It's good that I am seeing him on Monday again.


Friday, August 16, 2013

What Summer?

Friday, August 16, 2013


It is now mid August and I have been scratching my head wondering whatever happened to summer.  Having grown up in Texas I can say that a Minnesota summer does not overly test the soul.  You can actually open your windows on more than a few nights and not find yourself gasping for air or overcome by night sweats that have nothing to do with your own internal body temperature.  And this has been especially true for this summer.  We have had many a night when the temperature has been in the 50s.  That is unusual for July and early August.  It has been easy to ask myself "This is summer?"

I have also found myself thinking "What summer?" in regards to another summer.  That was the summer of 1982.  The only vivid memory I have from that summer derives from the morning in early June in which I learned my father had been shot and nearly killed.  After that day the whole of the summer is essentially a blank to me.  I cannot recall what I did day to day, if I hung out more than usual with any of my friends of the time and so on.  I do not have many memories until the autumn of 1983.  It's as if my brain went into some sort of hibernation mode for a little over a year.  I spoke of the concept of halcyon days in a recent posting.  I wish I could recall more halcyon days from the time I was eight years old.  I just cannot.

As for the present moment it does indeed seem that I am continuing to move forward in my healing process.  Yesterday I had an encouraging conversation with a woman who works at the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing.  Earlier this week I learned of a program called Resilience Training offered at Penny George.  The program offers assistance in developing skills and knowledge in a number of important areas including exercise, nutrition and mindfulness.  Given how tenuous my social support network has felt at times it seemed a very wise idea I consider enrolling in such a program.  On Monday of next week I will go to the Institute for a screening appointment.  I hope to find some way to take part in this program.  I believe it will really help facilitate my healing process.

This morning I completed yet another important process.  My immunization record is finally current.  I updated my tetanus shot and also got the second of three shots to provide protection against Hepatitis A and B.  I will get the final shot next January.

I cannot ever recall being so diligent in my efforts to restore my health.  If I was younger and less mature I might not take the process so seriously.  Yet health, like anything, is a perishable good.  Nothing lasts forever.  I am grateful for the many blessings I still enjoy.  I hope I never take anything in my life for granted again.  Cultivating the spiritual maturity to live in such a way is an ongoing process.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

A Fork in the Road - To Be (Suing) or Not To Be (Suing)

Thursday, August 15, 2013


A critical fork in the road of my journey now stands before me.  It became apparent to me last night when I attempted to have a civil and productive conversation with my father.  It did not go well.

One of my primary goals in my life right now is to resolve the outstanding issues I have with my father.  Last month I emailed my father to inform him of my diagnosis of PTSD.  I specifically used email as my means of communication because I wanted to have written documentation of my communications with him.  This seemed a wise course of action in the event that future interactions devolved into something less than civil.  Looking back I am happy I proceeded in this way.  The outcome of my conversation with him last night was less than optimal.  It reinforces my opinion that I should only permit interactions in which there is documentation of what was said.

I made it clear early in our conversation that I preferred to not have a conversation with him by phone.  In fact, I made it more clear than that.  I indicated I wanted any conversation we had to occur within the context of an objective third person party who could help facilitate the interchange.  I also indicated I felt very uncomfortable not adhering to my own wishes in this regard.  Despite my articulation of these sentiments my father probed and asked questions.  My expressed wishes seemed to mean little to him.  It is interactions with him such as these that only reinforce my sense that something is seriously wrong with the way he sees the world.  I have previously articulated to friends and family that I believe my father has an untreated case of PTSD.  Assuming I am correct I can easily believe such an untreated condition would warp his way of relating to the world at large.

On more than one occasion I felt so provoked by my father's stance that it took a lot of my own energy and will to not react in such a way that it would only further exacerbate an already difficult situation.  We concluded our "conversation" by making an agreement that my father would give my request for mediation some more thought.  He agreed to call me this weekend to tell me his final decision.  My intuition is that he is going to remain firm in his opposition.

Having pondered the very real possibility that he will remain resolute in his refusal I have considered what I would do next.  I am inclined to inform him that I would therefore choose not to be a part of his life anymore.  I might even directly tell him not to consider me his son anymore because I would no longer consider him my father.  I suppose I might not even choose to be there for him on the day he dies if it were feasible for me to do so.

There is then the "nuclear option" I have been looking at more recently.  Beyond ending all active interaction I could attempt to press forward with a legal case against him.  I could attempt to pursue damages to force some support for the PTSD treatment I am currently undertaking.  A court case, even if determined viable by a worthy lawyer, could prove extremely costly in time and money.  And then there is the emotional capital I would have to expend in the process.  I might ultimately end up causing more harm to myself than whatever benefit I might derive from such a course of action.  This would be a serious decision I would need some time to contemplate.

I should know this weekend what the fork in the road ultimately is.  Then I will need to decide which path to take.

The following is a letter I composed and submitted online today to the hospital where my father was taken when he was shot.



Parkland Hospital
5201 Harry Hines Blvd.
Dallas, TX 75235


To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in regards to medical treatment my father received in early June, 1982 at Parkland Hospital.  My purpose in writing this letter is to increase my understanding of the standard of care at Parkland Hospital that existed then as well as now.  My reason for wanting to develop said understanding is that I feel it might help me to facilitate and improve my own healing process.  An explanation of my background is necessary.

In June of this year I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I was surprised by this diagnosis.  I have received quality health care from a number of mental health care professionals over the years; I thought my past efforts to take care of my health had been sufficiently robust such that my health was better than it ultimately was.  Thankfully I am in good physical health however.  My PTSD can be attributed primarily to child abuse and endangerment I experienced while under my father’s care.

As I have begun the process of reframing my life in response to my recent diagnosis I have made a number of changes.  One project I have undertaken to cultivate a greater sense of peace is research regarding my own past medical history as well as my father’s medical history.  Despite my desire to look at my father’s medical record I am unable to do so due to legal limitations.

Though I am by no means an expert on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I do feel I have researched it enough to have a basic understanding of its common causes, symptoms and treatment.  My father was brought into Parkland Hospital in early June, 1982 with a gun shot wound to the chest.  According to his recounting to me many years later my father was shot by a teenage boy who was involved in an inappropriate relationship with my stepmother.  The boy shot my father on my stepmother’s behalf.  Prior to the ending of my father’s marriage to my stepmother I experienced significant verbal and physical abuse due to the actions of my older stepsisters.  As I understand from my father’s recounting, the mayor ensured that the police department did not investigate the crime properly which thus allowed my stepmother to evade prosecution.  I have been unable to get a copy of the police report of the incident in question.  However, record of the incident does still exist in a local newspaper dated June 4, 1982.  I have a PDF copy of the newspaper coverage in my possession.

In my opinion, based on my research of PTSD, attempted murder is a highly traumatic event that could easily trigger the development of PTSD.  It has been my opinion for some time now that my father developed PTSD (at some point in his life) no later than the days immediately after the day he was shot, namely June 3, 1982.  He was a member of the Army prior to 1982.  He might have had some experience in the military that proved traumatic that he has never shared with anyone.  I can only speculate in regards to that earlier time in his own life.

Nearly losing my father to such a horrible act is but one traumatic experience in my own personal history that could easily trigger the development of my case of PTSD.  It is also my opinion that my father’s judgment was so clouded by the impact of his near murder that he later made at least one choice that put me at great risk of harm.  I consider it miraculous that I am still alive today given what I experienced in my childhood.

I am contacting Parkland Hospital today, some 31 years later, because I want to find some way to create healthy closure in my own life so I can heal properly and move forward.  I would like to understand what the standard of care was at Parkland Hospital both in 1982 and now in regards to patients brought into the Emergency Room with life threatening injuries in which the injury is a result of domestic violence and/or premeditated attempted murder. In the particular scenario from my own life I believe it would have proven highly beneficial if my father’s emergency room assessment had included some sort of psychiatric consult to determine his state of mind in the wake of the attempt made on his life.  Perhaps such a consult was performed; I do not know the details of his treatment because, as I previously noted, I do not have access to the record of his treatment from this incident.  I also do not trust that any recounting my father might provide me now would be accurate because my father has a history of being dishonest.  I believe an aggressive assessment of his mental health and an insistence that he receive at least some minimal mental health counseling as a pre-condition for his discharge from the hospital might have helped prevent what would follow later on.  I do not understand what exactly was done; I wish that I had more information.  I do not believe he was sufficiently fit to take custody of me again once he was discharged from Parkland Hospital.

My understanding is that very little was known about PTSD in 1982 anywhere in the United States of America.  I know that this diagnostic category was originally conceived as a way to describe symptoms commonly found in military veterans.  I would like to be directed to some resources that could help me to fashion an understanding of what the standard of care is today (and what it was in Texas in 1982) regarding people who enter an emergency room setting with traumatic life threatening injuries in which such injuries are the result of deliberate attempts on their lives.

Naturally it is not clear to me who might be the most knowledgeable person to seek out within Parkland Hospital now in 2013 to answer my questions.  I thought it best for me to start my research by sending a general letter through the hospital’s website.

I appreciate any assistance whatsoever that may be rendered to me in response to my request.


Sincerely,

CW






Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Now Entering Uncharted Territory

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


I realized this morning that my life is now changing so radically that my daily experience is beginning to resemble that which the explorers of centuries ago experienced when they left the homes they knew and ventured out to other parts of the world they did not know.  I am now entering uncharted territory.

I had my most recent meeting with my therapist yesterday.  We had a nice, long ninety minute session.  While in that session I was under the influence of an Atavan I had taken about two hours before the session began.  I was prescribed the Atavan last week; I use them sparingly in the event I feel I am about to have a panic attack.  Panic attacks are thankfully not something I have been prone to throughout my life.

I am wondering now if somehow the combination of the Atavan and the EMDR technique we again employed proved more effective than one or the other alone.  When I woke up today I felt this strange sort of high.  Those who know me know I do not regularly (or even irregularly) participate in recreational drug use.  I am a very straight laced sort of guy (even though I am actually gay).  I wonder if somehow the Atavan made the EMDR process more effective in re-patterning my brain.  It certainly is possible.  I will have to speak about that when I see my therapist next.  It's been many hours since I awoke and still I feel this strange elevation in my mood.  Maybe a new hopefulness is getting into the mix of what is influencing my mind now.

My health is starting to significantly improve.  My primary care physician verbalized that he noticed improvement when I met with him this afternoon.  The physical therapy is working; my core is becoming stronger each day.  And when I went to see my chiropractor for an adjustment earlier today my body loosened up much more easily than it has in the past.  Something is definitely starting to shift.  Like I noted earlier I am entering uncharted territory.  It is exciting, exhilarating and scary.

Perhaps the best news of all is that I have chosen to request mediation with my father.  He responded to my email request today.  I have no idea if he will actually be amenable to the process.  I nonetheless feel good that I asked for something that I want and need.  I'm breaking down the traumatized self I have carried around for all too long.  As the healthy me continues to emerge into the light of day I feel relief and a growing sense of optimism for my future.  My past is beginning to lose its stranglehold on my heart and mind.

I have always had an adventurous spirit.  It's amazing what an adventure recovery of your whole self can be!




Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Halycon August Days

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


If you are learning something new each day then you must be growing.  And if you are growing then you are somehow very alive.  I finally learned something of the origin of the term "halycon".  Alycone was the daughter of Aeolus and wife of Ceyx.  Alycone threw herself into the sea after learning her husband had died in a shipwreck.  She and her husband were later transformed into halycon birds.  Her father Aeolus helped his daughter to have a quiet time to lay her eggs by quieting the winds and waters for seven days each year.  These quiet days are known as halycon days.

I find myself very aware of my own need for halycon days.  Having lived through my first Minnesota winter (a winter that did not seem to fully relinquish its grip until May!) I have a newfound appreciation for the beauty of summer warmth and tranquility.  We haven't had much of a summer even by Minnesota standards.  Having grown up in Texas this is the time of year I can scoff at the lack of hardiness in local people when they complain when the temperature reaches 90F.  I just returned from my early morning walk.  It was so cool outside I could barely get away with wearing a tank top.  During my walk I saw one of the constellations rising in the east whose image is a harbinger of winter.  I saw Orion.  Orion marks a time when halycon days can be difficult to come by.  Winter storms here in the Midwest can lay the spirit low.

I find myself eager to get up and greet these August mornings because I am all too aware of the coming of autumn.  Halycon days of calm and bliss do not last forever.  These calm, pleasant summer mornings are a perishable gift.  In a month the winds will likely already be announcing the coming of autumn.  If we have an early autumn they may arrive even sooner.

I am grateful for this period of halycon days in my own life.  I have needed them in a very deep way.  As a way to start my day in a beautiful way I can think of all I am grateful for.

I am grateful for all my friends and family who love me.
I am grateful for the green trees, soft winds, beautiful start and blessing of calm in the early morning.
I am grateful for my health and my ability to heal.
I am grateful for my mind, my intelligence and my ability to learn anew.
I am grateful for all the gifts of my past.
I am grateful for the beautiful potential in my present moment.
I am grateful for my ability to imagine an amazing and blessed future.

Let love encircle and fill each of our hearts.  Enjoy these halycon August days.





The Beautiful Moon

Monday, August 12, 2013


It wasn't until some time in the night that I realized (gasp!) I had failed to write my entry for the day.  So I am technically catching up now and writing yesterday's entry at 4:00 am.  No, I didn't specifically wake up at this very quiet hour just to write an entry.  I was awake already.  And it didn't help that I heard a slew of police sirens somewhere in the distance.  Sounds like that have a way of easily triggering bad memories for me.  I found myself breathing deeply and feeling thankful I was inside and safe instead of outside and somewhere in the vicinity of where all the police vehicles were rushing off to.

Monday was a nice enough day though I did find it challenging at certain moments.  I find it very, very difficult on occasion to muster the enthusiasm to travel all the way to my therapist when making it to his office requires me to take three separate buses to get there.  I walked the last bit of distance because the bus connections are not always that good.  I spent part of my session in my therapist's office griping about how much work it takes just to reach the office itself.  There are moments when I feel I am simply never going to improve significantly or the price I pay for said improvement is going to prove so demanding that I will want to just give up.

I continue to reopen and then close numerous doors from the past in my efforts to finally heal in a deep way.  Yesterday I reconnected with another psychiatrist I once worked with.  This one lives in San Francisco.  I worked with him when I lived in San Francisco.  It doesn't seem possible that the time I worked with him was so many years ago now.  My motivation for contacting him was a desire to better understand my past treatment history.  I found myself wondering if somehow my life would be different now if my PTSD had been diagnosed earlier in my life.  My former psychiatrist (Dr. Gonzalez) said the treatment process would not have been any different if I had had a formal diagnosis of PTSD or not.  This was encouraging to hear.

As I stood waiting for the bus to take me home I looked up at the sky as a means to distract myself.  I became a bit lost in the beauty of the clouds filling the sky.  I thought of numerous other evening and morning skies I have been blessed to see.  And then I saw the moon riding low in the south.  It was nearly a first quarter moon.  Somehow seeing the moon and tendrils of clouds floating past led me to think of Hawaii and the immense beauty I have previously enjoyed when visiting this amazing place.  I found myself breathing a little more deeply and slowly as I contemplated some of the wondrous places I have had occasion to visit throughout my life.  I am deeply grateful for those experiences.  I hope one day to visit Hawaii again.  And one day I can imagine even living there.

Seeing the beautiful moon and clouds reminded me of my artist self and how my future work must be something that inspires and brings wonder to other people.  I will not go back to my old life in which I sit before a computer and do some sort of data analysis.  There is only so much knowledge that can be produced and disseminated by sitting at a computer throughout the day.

I think the Wellbutrin I was previously taking is now decisively out of my system.  I continue to have some really special moments (cue sarcasm) in which I become a bit overcome with excessive sweating. This is but one potential side effect of the medication I am currently taking.  I suppose I might find it less annoying if I have such a side effect (if that is indeed what it is) in any other season when it isn't so warm outside.

I continue to do my physical therapy each day.  I am beginning to find the physical therapy to be a fairly easy routine to follow.  I am hoping this aspect of my recovery will be complete by the end of August or early September.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Creating a New Story Based on a Foundation of Right Action

Sunday, August 11, 2013


So here I am writing on Sunday even though I previously had made a commitment to myself to take a break from writing on Sundays.  I still intend to not pressure myself to write on Sundays but I will write whenever I feel so moved.

This morning I visited the local Unitarian Universalist church.  I had intended to attend the 10 am service.  I made it inside the church and briefly sat down.  I looked around and briefly took in the surroundings.  And then I left.  I felt very good about my effort to visit.  And I also felt very good when I left.  Each and every day I continue to take steps forward in the process of my recovery.  Another gift I have given to myself is the permission to not stay for the entire duration of certain events.  I am finally beginning to conquer the all or nothing thinking that can prove so sabotaging to moving forward in life and achieving goals.  I give myself the same permission when I attend classes at the local YMCA.  If my body is tired out and I need to leave a class before it formally concludes I give myself the permission to stand up and leave.  It's very liberating when you start living a life of conscious choice.

I will soon be ready to explore more options for spiritual communities here in the Twin Cities where I live.  I plan to research the local MCC congregation.  And I will do some other research as well.  I will find my way in time.  I just need to continue to be patient with myself.  And I firmly believe my patience will eventually be rewarded.

As I move forward with my process of creating a new life I realize that my new foundation must be based in a consistent pattern of right action.  Right action is the fourth aspect of the Buddhist eightfold path.  From now on I will make choices based in my discernment as to whether said choices will ultimately serve me and my ongoing recovery of my full self.  To choose right action is to choose to live in harmony and cultivate harmony in the world.  By bringing myself into balance I can bring balance to the world at large.  Healing the microcosm within me will help to bring healing to the world "outside" of me.

I feel encouraged by the fact that I am starting to notice a subtle shift in how I awaken to each day.  My enthusiasm for life is beginning to grow.  My depression is starting to subtly diminish.  I still feel very angry by how much harm and abuse I suffered.  Yet as I address the root causes of my anger the anger is no longer going inward and making me so sick.  My recovery is proceeding in earnest.

One of my right actions I will take today is to attend a Fitness Yoga class at the Y later today.  I am on my way.  I suspect I will be riding emotional rapids for some time yet but at least my boat is pointed forward.




Saturday, August 10, 2013

In the Trenches

Saturday, August 10, 2013


My life of Hercules continues to unfold each and every day.  I am actually starting to feel accustomed to writing my blog now.  I even look forward to writing most days.  And this is true for days in which I am quite unsure what I will write about.

Lately I have been trying not to mourn the fact that by the time I really start to get my health and life in order the leaves will be falling from the trees and winter will be on its way to Minnesota.  This summer became such a different summer after my unexpected diagnosis.  I need to find a way to move beyond mourning and focus solely on the process of healing.  Yet the most difficult aspect of the process may soon start to unfold.

This past week I began reaching out in an effort to locate legal resources that may prove of help to me as I contemplate the possibility of attempting to sue my father for the child abuse and endangerment that  triggered the development of my PTSD.  According to the lawyers I have consulted thus far it seems I do not have a case.  One lawyer I called who practices in Texas was particularly rude and abrupt.  My very curt interaction with him reminded me of why I would never live in that state again.  The Texas standard of child care, welfare and human decency is a fairly low standard.  I am going to continue calling people and looking at my situation from every angle possible.  Just today I thought of another angle to explore.

In early 2012 I interviewed for a position with the US Navy Reserve.  The interview followed a long application process from the previous summer.  My application ultimately did not move forward.  I gave up attempting to get into the Navy after that.  I thought back on that time in my life today and considered this past scenario in a new light.  Had my application actually moved forward and I had reached the stage of receiving a medical screening my PTSD might have been unmasked at that time.  I would most certainly have been saved some additional time walking around without knowing about it had it been discovered then.  But it also seems extremely likely that the discovery of PTSD then would have automatically disqualified me from consideration for the Navy Reserve.  It would seem to follow that perhaps I could argue for damages from my father in the context of a legal case on the basis that the PTSD arising from my childhood trauma has reduced the employment opportunities I could realistically pursue.  Shouldn't loss of economic opportunity be worth something in a court of law?  Proving the PTSD developed in response to my childhood would be the easy part of a case it seems.  Proving this condition has limited the range of career options I can realistically pursue is a different matter.

I continue to do my physical therapy each and every day.  My physical health is continuing to improve.  I hope to be done with the physical therapy by the end of August or early in September.  For those of you who are wondering I was prescribed physical therapy to deal with some issues I was having in my back, hip and left knee.  Each day I live tends to feature a whole roller coaster of miniature emotional highs and lows.  Naturally I feel the endorphin rush after exercising; later in the day I often feel something of an emotional dip when I reflect on how I feel I will need to maintain a rigorous daily routine for the rest of my life.  Obviously there is nothing wrong with maintaining such a discipline.  The challenge rather is adapting myself to it.  Developing healthy habits that last a lifetime is not something one typically accomplishes overnight.  Healthy habit formation requires diligence, patience, humor and a willingness to be gentle with yourself when apparent setbacks occur.

I plan to continue my medical history retrospective this coming week.  I hope to speak with a few other mental health care professionals I previously worked with.  One way I feel I can better come to terms with the diagnosis and move forward is to develop at least some degree of understanding as to how my PTSD condition was missed for so long.  Given the conversations I have scheduled I expect it is going to prove an illuminating week!

See you back online Monday!





Friday, August 9, 2013

June 3, 1982

Friday, August 9, 2013


It's a beautiful Friday today.  I continue to work like an absolute fiend to reclaim my health and power.  It's such a process.  I feel that I am living the life of Hercules.

I've been doing a lot of in-depth research in the event I may need to use my findings for a civil case.  I'm exploring any legal options I may have to seek damages against my father for the abuse and endangerment I experienced as a child due to his poor choices.  It is this history of harm that laid the foundation for the development of my PTSD.  I only wish it had been caught earlier in my life.  But at least it was caught at some point.

Yesterday I finally retrieved an important date.  That date is June 3, 1982.  This is the day my father nearly left my life after my stepmother attempted to have him murdered.  I was visiting my grandparents at the time when it happened.  One of my aunts told me about it the morning after the night it happened.    It's essentially only sheer dumb luck that my father survived.  I rediscovered this important date yesterday after contacting the Dallas County District Attorney's Office.  Amazingly enough there is still a record of the incident at the DA's office.  I will be calling back on Monday and, assuming I finally reach someone in person, will request a copy of the file.

Years ago I first learned of the concept of soul retrieval.  I have been speaking with my therapist about this type of process.  Sandra Ingerman is a pioneer of this work.  I feel as if a significant piece of me left on June 3, 1982.  A part of my then eight-year old self left and disappeared to some place I know not where.  I want to find him again.  It is time to end his exile.

My efforts to collect documentation that has some relevance to my own medical history may ultimately not prove of any use to my simultaneous research into my legal options.  The worst that happens is that I will possess a more comprehensive record of my own life that can then be useful for making educated inferences in regards to my own health history.  I have already consulted with one lawyer today and have been advised I have no viable case I could pursue against my father.  I am going to seek out at least a second opinion if not a third or fourth one.  I am not going to rest until I have exhausted my options and thoroughly explored my options.

In other news I have decided it might prove of benefit to me to seek out a local spiritual community whose values align with my own.  I realize I need to be among healthy, functional people a certain amount of time each day and week.  It's easy to get consumed in the process I am currently involved in.  Laughter and levity are vital for me now.  Without such gifts I will almost certainly feel imbalanced.

I also continue to do physical therapy each day.  I am experiencing positive results.  My life is moving forward one Herculean step at a time.