Thursday, August 8, 2013

Agitator Cycle: The Final Spin

Thursday, August 8, 2013

It's very early on Thursday as I begin to write.  I was expecting to be doing a consultation any moment now with a scientist based in Kiel, Germany.  That appointment was postponed to tomorrow.

One bit of excellent news I can report is that the injection procedure I had done on Monday to relieve my back pain and pressure seems to have worked remarkably well.  My back feels something like it once did when I was a man in my 20s.  My intention is to take advantage of this significant improvement and do a lot of core strengthening work in order to more effectively rehabilitate it.  My physical therapist gave me plenty of additional exercises to do yesterday; I am going to be a busy man for the next several weeks.

I have given today's posting the title of "Agitator Cycle" due to something that happened the other day as I was walking to the pharmacy.  I was casually walking down the street enjoying the beautiful warmth of a summer day when a thought appeared in my mind that was quite unusual and upsetting.  I began to see this visual image of my stepsisters forcing me into the dryer in our laundry room at home and then threatening to turn it on once I was trapped inside.  It was so bizarre to me that I should be casually walking along in the year 2013 and then suddenly find my mind full of an image that evokes a time from my childhood.  Given the fact that I can consciously recall them trapping me inside my bedroom closet it would not surprise me if this image that came to me recently is based on some sort of memory that is now present in my conscious awareness.

I have struggled in the last several weeks to maintain my composure in a variety of settings.  More than once at work I have had to take an unexpected break and go hide myself away for a few minutes so I can take some deep breaths or cry.  The frequency of these incidents was concerning to me.  After the most recent intrusive thought (or memory) came into my mind I made the difficult decision that it seems to be in my best interest to not work for a period of time.  My priority, first and foremost, needs to be on restoring my health.  And so later today I will be meeting with my therapist.  I will ask him to complete an authorization form that allows me to be taken off of work for a period of time no shorter than 45 days.  I want to be a part of the working world but I do not want to work under the current circumstances.  It seems necessary I focus almost exclusively on exorcising the past such that the present and future can finally ultimately be my focus.

I am truly hoping what I am going through now is most definitely my "final spin" down memory lane.  I've had my fill of how the past has haunted me in its various guises.  I want to be a happy, healthy man capable of doing the work he loves and loving the people he loves.  I was never so seriously harmed that I cannot recover from the harm I experienced.  It just requires some time and diligence to heal.  My healing requires a discipline characteristic of the most focused of warriors.  I am learning how to be that warrior each and every day.  It is not easy but the transformation I see myself undergoing and the person I see myself becoming is going to be worth it.

I continue to press forward in my search for suitable legal counsel.  This is another option I made a commitment to myself that I would explore.  Regardless of what ultimately happens with my explorations regarding whatever legal options I may have I can conclusively say that my formal relationship with my father is now over.  And he will learn this is true in the very near future.

Enjoy your August Thursday!

No comments:

Post a Comment

I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!