Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Goodnight Said The Moon

Tuesday, June 30, 2015


"Goodnight said the moon, turn out the light
  someone little, sleeps here tonight." - Anonymous

I saw the quote noted above while visiting the cabin of my friend Jamie last week. It got me to thinking about my childhood. The engraved quote was featured adjacent to a beautiful image of a crescent mood. The piece of art featuring this imagery hung on the wall of the bedroom I slept in. It was a very restful experience to sleep in that bedroom. The room had a cozy atmosphere about it. It was difficult not to feel my old grief (regarding disappointments from long ago when I was a kid) rise up within me when I would looked at this piece of art. I wish I had felt so safe, comfortable and reassured throughout the duration of my childhood. But I did not.

I have worked through much of that grief that I carried around for so long. I suppose it's only natural for little vestiges of it to rise up when I encounter things that remind me of the blessings I did not consistently experience in my own childhood.

The past, present and future have been in my thoughts all at once lately as I cross the threshold marking that eventful time from two years ago in which my life imploded and I found myself embarking on the painful process of restoring my body, heart and mind. I feel so much better than I did back then. But that persistent sadness continues to take a long time to heal.

Tomorrow, as the month of July begins, I will be actively working to prepare a new and nurturing reality for myself as the beginning of my AmeriCorps commitment draws near. I am excited about what I still have the ability to create in my future.


Monday, June 29, 2015

What Our Futures Can Be

Monday, June 29, 2015


"All of us, from the moment of our birth, have been building inside ourselves a model of the world, a set of assumptions on the basis of which we recognize the world that we meet and plan our behavior accordingly. Because this model is based on reality it is, most of the time, a valid and useful basis for thought and behavior. We rely on the accuracy of these assumptions to maintain our orientation in the world and to control our lives. Anything which challenges this model incapacitates us.

Because we can only bring to new situations assumptions which arose out of the old, we cannot easily abandon the past. For this reason major changes are usually resisted and this is not necessarily a bad thing. Our old model of the world may be imperfect but it is the best we have and, if we abandon it, have nothing left." - Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life by Colin Murray (1996)


"In all societies, the course of life is structured by expectations about each phase of life, and meaning is assigned to specific life events and the roles that accompany them. When expectations about the course of life are not met, people experience inner chaos and disruption. Such disruptions represent a loss of the future. Restoring order to life necessitates reworking understandings of the self and the world, redefining the disruption and life itself." - Disrupted Lives: How People Create Meaning in a Chaotic World by Gay Becker (1997)


I feel fortunate to have reached the milestone I recently achieved. I have been at the task of writing my blog for two years now. The anniversary of my writing 'odyssey' is this coming Thursday. I feel it is time for this blog to transform into something else. I still cannot clearly see what it is though. I suppose I need a bit more time for clarity to come to me.

I didn't even meet with my therapist last week due to my decision to take a miniature vacation up north of the Twin Cities near Brainerd. And the funny thing is that I didn't really much miss not having the appointment. This is how change can happen. You wake up one day and the past finally doesn't burden you the way it once did.

Now I find myself in a fun new phase where I am actively contemplating what I want my future life to be. I only wish I had made the progress I have made by a younger age. But I am still here. I am still strong. I am alive. And I am excited about what my future may hold.




Friday, June 26, 2015

When The World Changes

Friday, June 26, 2015


"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization's oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right."

- Justice Anthony Kennedy's writing in support of the Supreme Court's decision that ultimately legalized same-sex marriage throughout the United States of America


Some days are more memorable than others. Today was one of those days. I knew something significant had changed when the first bit of news posted by a friend on Facebook gave me the hint that the Supreme Court ruling regarding the issue of state same-sex marriage bans had been decided and formally announced. Yes, same-sex marriage is now legal throughout the United States. I am excited by this historical moment in the life of the United States.

Despite the legalization of same-sex marriage by the Supreme Court it's quite obvious that many people throughout the United States still have no intention of seeing gay people as being "worthy" of an institution such as marriage (that for so long has been inaccessible to us) let alone supporting us in our choice to formalize and strengthen our relationships through the bond of marriage. One need only look at the trending stories currently on display on Facebook to appreciate this reality. Consider, for example, the full statement of Attorney General Ken Paxton of Texas in response to the Supreme Court ruling regarding same-sex marriage. Paxton equates same-sex marriage to "yet another assault on the actual text of the United States Constitution and the rule of law itself." In reading the text of his statement it is obvious that he sees same-sex marriage as somehow diluting the existing dignity of the institution. He also sees it as somehow an affront to the significant value that having both a mother and a father has to a child and that child's healthy development. And still further reading of his statement leads me to believe the mere reality of gay people marrying one another is something he might easily construe as a 'display of hate and intolerance against people of faith' (his own words). Ken, if you don't want to be invited to a same-sex marriage ceremony I have no doubt the LGBT community will be happy to never send you an invite!

It seems the political Right in this country will only identify hatred and abuse as these very things when it is unfolding before their eyes and is directed at them. But when these same people treat the LGBT community in horrible ways (that would make their beloved Jesus blanch at the sight) it is somehow perfectly acceptable. In other words restricting some citizens' enjoyment of the rights others enjoy is perfectly acceptable and even laudable when the people on the receiving end of such restriction are those people.

The plank in Paxton's own eye is quite visible in the last bit of his statement. He concludes by stating that "We must be vigilant about our freedom and must use the democratic process to make sure America lives up to its promise as a land of freedom, religious tolerance and hope." Mr. Paxton if you really want to support this nation being a land of freedom for the American people (as you yourself note) then you must be inclusive. You didn't state you would support some Americans in their enjoyment of freedom, religious tolerance and hope. If you believe in the value of a democratic system undergirded by the rule of law and respect for the Constitution then fulfill the duties of your position and respect the rule of law! In other words, stop being a bigot!

It is the very democratic process Paxton both praises and advocates American citizens use that led us to the historic ruling that was issued today. I learned more of the back story of this seminal court case today. The relationship between two men from Ohio was pivotal to what ultimately happened today. When Jim Obergefell lost his partner John Arthur (they were married in Maryland in 2013) to A.L.S. in October, 2013 the state of Ohio refused to list Obergefell as Arthur's spouse on Arthur's death certificate. In essence the state was denying Obergefell the right to honestly identify his true relationship to the deceased.

So I would ask Ken Paxton and all other Americans who want to contest the validity of same-sex marriage the following question: How does forcing an American citizen to deny the true nature of his relationship to another human being prove compatible with the principle of freedom that our country is supposedly dedicated to as articulated in the United States Constitution? If a person cannot openly and honestly declare the nature of his relationship to another on legal documents such as a death certificate where is the freedom in that life? There is no freedom in such oppression and restriction.


Today I feel proud to be an American. And I am also reminded of why I left the state of Texas. There is still much hatred and hypocrisy in that state. But truth be told there is still too much of it everywhere.




Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Beginning of Year Three

Thursday, June 25, 2015


I feel the inevitable reality of change in my life. Today marks an important day in my own personal development. Today is the two year anniversary of the day I received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That June day of two years ago came as quite a surprise. I felt a mixture of many feelings on this day last year. I felt sadness and joy. And I also felt a bit sombre. This year is quite different. Like a major landmark that continues to recede into the distance as you drive along in a car the significance of that day two years ago feels much less weighty as compared to a year ago. Today feels almost a bit mundane actually.

My life is going to change quite a bit in the next month. I will soon have a new place to live as well as a new role as a member of AmeriCorps VISTA. I also will hopefully have a car in the near future. A lot of positive change is occurring in my life now.

I plan to continue writing my blog but I am growing increasingly bored with writing very much about the daily reality of my own life. I want to continue to be what I call a freelance trauma recovery advocate. But what I actually do in this self created role is changing.

I plan to continue to go to therapy in the coming months. But my focus has profoundly changed. I do not spend much time focusing on the pain of my past any more. I now focus almost entirely on creating a rewarding present and future.

If you have been one of my faithful blog readers I welcome you to stay tuned.


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The Power of Presence

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


"Mine is a profession rife with premature endings and difficult goodbyes." - Steven Kuchuck

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of when I began to intensively work with my current therapist. In other words, tomorrow is the two year anniversary I received an unexpected diagnosis of PTSD. Before June, 2013 I had never completed two consecutive years of therapy which would prove as valuable and powerful as the last two years have.

I feel relieved to have reached the point I now find myself at. The one year anniversary of my diagnosis last June was not exactly an easy time. I felt proud of all the work I had done in the twelve prior months but knew I could still benefit from additional psychotherapy. Now, a year later still, the anniversary of that difficult time feels much less ponderous. I will find some way to mark it tomorrow but I don't expect to feel a weighty quality throughout the day as I did last year.

Consistency and diligence are important qualities in any successful endeavor. And this includes the art of going to psychotherapy. I found an opinion piece in the New York Times yesterday that deeply moved me. I could really identify with the once little boy who was described in the column. Just as I once did the boy who was profiled had experienced a significant amount of trauma. It took the boy some time to become comfortable with his therapist (who was the writer of the column). This was no surprise considering what he had endured during the earliest years of his life.

Predictability is all too often a foreign concept to those who have been deeply traumatized. I submitted a comment in response to the column in which I alluded to my own experience. When the reality of your daily life feels a bit like a constantly spinning revolving door it can be difficult to extend yourself to others in the pursuit of quality relationships. Once so many premature departures accrue in a young life it seems to me virtually natural that a child will become guarded.

I invite you to read the column I have referenced. Consider these questions:

What are the consistent ways that you nurture yourself on a regular basis? 

What people can you rely on day in and day out? 

What do you believe makes for a strong and rewarding relationship? 

What do you do to promote the resilience of your own health?





Tuesday, June 23, 2015

A Sky on Fire

Tuesday, June 23, 2015


Last night I witnessed something I have never seen in person. I saw the northern lights while visiting at the lakeside cabin of a friend. The light show came as quite a surprise. I didn't realize the Earth's atmosphere was being impacted by a major electromagnetic storm until I looked for news coverage of the northern lights after I saw them. An accessible explanation of what causes the northern lights can be  found here.

I sat on the patio of the cabin and gazed almost due north. The constellation Ursa Major was high in the sky and slowly wheeling down in apparent orbit around Polaris. I could see Polaris near the right edge of my unobstructed field of vision. And before me unfolded a light show I had only previously seen in videos. I have visited locations at more northerly latitudes than where I am now. For example, five years ago at this time I was in Bergen, Norway for a summer course. But it's essentially impossible to see the northern lights from Norway near the time of the summer solstice due to the bright light that dominates the night hours.

The northern lights had such an ethereal, dreamy quality about them. The colors were predominantly a mixture of shades of gray. They had a wispy, dancing quality about them that reminded me of smoke emanating from a fire. As I sat and watched I imagined the Earth hurtling along in its orbit and being bombarded by the streamers of charged solar particles. When we sit still we may imagine we are truly sitting still but the Earth is still throttling through space.

Nights like last night vivify my appreciation of my eyesight. There is so much beauty to be seen in the world.


Sunday, June 21, 2015

To Be Adrift in America

Sunday, June 21, 2015


Yesterday evening I read a New York Times opinion piece which I found especially compelling. The piece focused on the issue of young people who are adrift in America. It made for a sobering read.

A recently completed study prepared by the Social Science Research Council and quoted in the piece I noted above offered a dismal statistic. There are more than 5.5 million people ages 16 to 24 who are neither working nor in school. The size of this population is noted to be larger than it was before the "Great Recession". I don't find the apparent growth of this population at all surprising. Hope was a major casualty of the recession. As more and more people possessing substantial educational backgrounds have foundered in their efforts to find or maintain gainful employment it stands to reason that many young people who have borne witness to this trend would shrink from the idea of pursuing a higher education. Why bother when the value of a higher education appears to plummeting?

Had the economy been the way it is today when I fit within this particular age demographic I might have made a similar choice. I might have postponed pursuing my undergraduate degree. I feel fortunate I did not. And yet it would appear my undergraduate degree was the most valuable of the three degrees I have obtained. The value of a graduate degree seems to be sinking in America. And it appears it has been going on a while now.

The opinion piece also shares some unsurprising insights regarding what happens when young people of such discouraging circumstances concentrate in one area. Neighborhoods populated by such youth tend to feature high rates of poverty, high rates of unemployment and housing segregation.

I have enough life experience to offer what I believe is an informed perspective on the issue of the future of youth. I believe the issue of disengaged youth is a product of a number of convergent factors. Prominent among these factors is the dreary economic reality that was referenced in the piece. The Great Recession was the worst economic period for the United States since the Great Depression. I quite honestly would not be surprised if our last recession was one day actually recategorized as a depression. The hardship many people have experienced has been ridiculous.

But there are other factors at play that must be acknowledged. What about other institutions that are significant to a child's development? If you are going to seriously research human development during childhood and early adulthood you must look at the prominent institutions that affect a vast majority of our lives. What about our primary education system? What about the quality of our public institutions including the federal government? What about law enforcement? What about religious institutions? Corruption in one or more of these institutions can be profoundly scarring to people. And I think this is especially true for young people. Being mistreated by a teacher, abused by a religious official or subjected to the corrupt conduct of a member of law enforcement can profoundly violate a person's capacity to trust. When multiple institutions fail to fulfill their mandates the damage seems almost certain to compound far beyond the damage that might be done by a single institution. I would wager that human trust is one of our most precious resources.

I finally wish to once more actively engage with the world at large. The scope of what I dream can be my own future life has expanded as I have sought out psychotherapy these last two years. But I remain nonetheless very aware of how frequently and deeply I felt failed by several institutions early in my own life.

If young people are to thrive they must be given the resources to do so. Here in America I believe there is a very real risk that extremely short-sighted policies created in the last ten to twenty years might lay the foundation for the genesis of a lost generation. I believe we can do better.



Saturday, June 20, 2015

Ahimsa

Saturday, June 20, 2015


A number of years ago I spent a brief period of time living as a Yoga Service and Community (YSC) participant at Mount Madonna Center (MMC). As noted on its website MMC is a conference and retreat center located on a large acreage of mountain-top redwood forest and grassland overlooking Monterey Bay. I first spent some time there in late 2002. I really enjoyed the YSC program. It still exists today though it has since been expanded into a program of twelve weeks duration.

As a part of the program YSC participants would meet on a weekly basis to check in about their ongoing experience. Check-in time would occasionally be complemented by discussion of topics relevant to living in a community like that which exists at Mount Madonna. Among the topics discussed which still interest me today was the topic of ahimsa.

Ahimsa is an ethical principle whose origins can be traced to the Indian religions of Jainism, Hinduism and Buddhism. I first took a serious interest in Buddhism a number of years ago shortly after I ceased being actively involved with the Catholic Church. I went in search of an inspiring spirituality or religion due in part to my feelings of being unmoored once I left the Catholic Church behind. I found Buddhism especially interesting. Ahimsa is the ethical principle of not causing harm to other living things.

A question I live with on a daily basis is how I can live a life guided by this principle when the world around me causes so much injury to so many. Even if you have the intent to live your own life according to principles such as competence, kindness, generosity, integrity and non-injury it is still quite possible that the broader social, economic and political structures around you might be causing harm to you against your will. I feel this has been happening to many Americans in recent years. One only need consider issues such as the financial crisis, racism, pervasive unemployment and our gridlocked Congress to appreciate the depth of the challenge many Americans face in our present moment. And the United States is still considered a developed nation! Circumstances are at least equally challenging in many parts of the world. It is very easy to feel deep sadness and despair if you spend too much time reading about events in this country and abroad. Much of the world seems riven with chaos and beyond repair.

It seems to me the first and most important step in living a good life is to deeply examine just your life and consider the ways in which you might be living a life that is less than what you could potentially realize. What habits do you have that might be counter-productive? Do you have ways of coping that provide you relief in the short-term but may cause grave harm to you later in life? Are there issues you are avoiding? Are there fears inside of you that you are not confronting? If and when you reach the point that you have successfully attended to your own issues it seems to me you will have reached a level of functionality and serenity that many people rarely actually achieve in their lives. I feel like I am finally at this point. This milestone alone is something immense to celebrate. The accomplishment of successfully confronting your issues is not to be undervalued.

So I now find myself actively contemplating what I wish to do with the rest of my life. The dark events that caused the suffering of my early childhood are not something I can personally alter a few decades later. But I can make the healthy choice of relating to my circumstances in a new way. And that is what I am doing now.

Here is a meditation I offer to my friends and readers today:

May the powerful light of the Summer Solstice burn away the dross and pain in our hearts. May we experience gratitude for all the gifts we enjoy each and every day. May we open our hearts and minds to possibilities that will allow us to meet our needs in new and powerful ways!






Friday, June 19, 2015

Anthropocene Hubris

Friday, June 19, 2015


I spent much of my Friday doing research. It can be easy to end a day feeling sad when much of what you read features some sort of content about the cruelty of people to other people...or to the other species we share this planet with. One article I read focused on the sixth extinction currently unfolding here in the Holocene. Unlike the past five major extinction events this sixth way is unfolding due to the actions of one of the planet's own species...namely Homo Sapiens. We humans are reaching a destructive zenith in our power. We have never had such powerful technology at our fingertips as we do now.

Today I finished a background research memo on the ocean energy technology industry. I was intrigued and impressed by the innovative capacities we humans can bring to bear on problems. I suspect we are going to have to be really innovative to emerge from the twenty-first century alive. The article on the Holocene correctly notes that we are imperiling our own future by causing the extinction of so many other species. We are all interconnected. This has always been true. But it is perhaps more true today than ever before.

No one individual can effect much change without the cooperation of others. Rather than give attention to the very real possibility that we might extinguish ourselves due to our own carelessness, shortsightedness and greed I would rather direct my energy towards moving our species in the direction of an evolutionary leap. I believe we are going to need an evolutionary leap in human consciousness to really attend to what we have been unleashing on the planet since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution.

Something I did find encouraging today was the forcefulness of the new encyclical recently released by the Pope. I haven't actually read it myself but I hope to do so in the near future.  There are voices out there calling for kindness, generosity, equality and thoughtful reflection. There are some days when I strain to sift them from amidst the din of negativity that pervades so much of human discourse.

I would prefer to aim for the good rather than dwell in misery and fear of some future horror that may never come to pass. Those who have been deeply traumatized can find it difficult to focus on the good in the world. I know this has been my struggle in the past.

May we all come to a deep appreciation of our interconnectedness with all creation.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Here Comes That Wondrous Solstice

Thursday, June 18, 2015


There wasn't anything especially remarkable about today. And yet it was a beautiful day to be alive. I just didn't actually go outside and partake of the sunshine. But I did enjoy the view from inside. The time of highest light, the Summer Solstice, is nearly here.

I continue to adjust to being a research analyst for a consulting firm based in Washington, DC. I enjoy the freedom to be able to set my own hours. I also enjoy the process of the research itself. I would like to begin focusing more attention on my personal life. I actually want to have a fulfilling personal life.

My old sadness is quite bearable on days like today. The beauty of summer can be quite a balm to the darkest of human burdens. I look forward to living life without the use of medication beginning next month.




Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Ascending The Castle

Wednesday, June 17, 2015


Two years ago my life felt as if it was in free-fall. Everything seemed to be unraveling and I wasn't sure how low my descent would take me. Last night, when meeting with my therapist, he used the metaphor of ascent in a castle to describe my life now. I have moved far beyond the very unpleasant initial phases   of my healing process in which the primary feelings in the forefront of my consciousness were outrage and anger. Then came the immense grief. And next came the sadness. There were no clear delineations between these periods. I didn't wake up one day and realize I had decisively begun a new phase of my healing. Healing often seems to be a two steps forward one step back sort of process.

The castle metaphor was an apt one. The lowest level of the castle symbolizes the darkest and most chaotic of states of being. Moving from anger and rage to immense grief is symbolically represented by ascent to another 'higher' level. And so it goes. In one way I don't like the metaphor though. No sustainable life can truly be built on a foundation of anger and outrage. Carrying those feelings around all the time can be debilitating. Eventually you have to let your pain go or it will consume you. Life can really suck at times. But there is so much beauty as well. It's everywhere around you if you will take the time to really appreciate it.

I am adjusting to becoming a much busier person now. My new position as a research analyst in which I work remotely for a consulting firm based in Washington, DC is sometimes quite demanding. It can take me hours and hours of time to complete projects. And yet I am enjoying them thus far. My current project is the most demanding one I have taken on yet. My final deliverable product will be a memo of some twenty-five to thirty pages in length. Being a regular writer certainly has its perks. It makes the process of synthesizing research into a presentable written form a little more manageable. The process feels less daunting because I have a high degree of confidence in my abilities.

I wish that the other spheres of my life were equally appealing these days. I feel quite good in general. But I feel disappointed that I don't have much to look forward to once I complete my work for the day. I have no partner at home who will be excited to see me once my day ends. I have no cat or dog who will greet me at the door.

And yet life is still much better than it was. I daresay it is much better than it ever has been actually. I will be transitioning off sertraline in approximately three weeks. I have been taking it for nearly two years now.

June in Minnesota is a beautiful creation.


Monday, June 15, 2015

Trauma and Bad Choices

Monday, June 15, 2015


Yesterday I read a commentary about the impact of bad choices on people's lives. And even through the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does not appear a single time throughout the content of the article I could see the impact of trauma and untreated PTSD writ large throughout. It was a sad and sobering read. But I think it is also a necessary one if you want to begin to try to better understand why life is often such sheer drudgery for so many Americans as well as people throughout the poorest nations of the world.

As I have made my way through my own journey of healing I have come to a much deeper appreciation of the significant distinction between the unconsidered act of putting band-aids on huge problems and actually taking the time to understand the complexity of deep-seated issues and, upon developing deeper knowledge, looking at the world and its manifold troubles in a new way. I don't really see American society as a very patient society. Many people appear to lack a fundamental intellectual curiosity that would inspire them to seek to better understand the world around them. Simple answers are easier to run with because they are often borne of asking simple questions.

Consider the young man's life described in the New York Times article I referenced above. Reading about his childhood reminded me of the state of my life about two years ago at this time. How do you begin to attend to the issues that bedevil a person's life when there are so many of them? Mr. Jackson's life has been affected by drug addiction, lead poisoning and the violent death of his brother. His vocational prospects were undoubtedly impacted by his decision to drop out of school before reaching the ninth grade. Failing to complete high school automatically closes many, many possible doors of opportunity.

So how do you untangle this mess of unfortunate factors? It seems that once you reach a critical mass of sorrows the devastation of their collective weight may take on a momentum such that personal hardship seems inevitable. As noted in the article "self-destructive behaviors - dropping out of school, joining a gag, taking drugs, bearing children when one isn't ready - compound [my emphasis] poverty." Eventually we may find ourselves waking one day to wonder how in the world our lives came to be so incredibly messed up. If our attitude about our circumstances becomes as dark as those very circumstances we have indeed likely reached a most unfortunate place.

I have always resisted believing in the validity of the mindset (often espoused by those of conservative political views) that more frequently attributes personal hardship to individual failings as compared to  lack of opportunity. Why? Because it is so simplistic! I find it extraordinarily reductionistic. And then I have the added experience of the last several years of my own life to further justify my point of view. I have been very diligent in my pursuit of suitable employment opportunities since completing graduate school in 2011. And yet despite all my efforts I did not find anything suitable until very recently. Again from the article: "Yet scholars are also learning to understand the roots of these behaviors and they're far more complicated [in other words not simple!] than the conservative narrative of human weakness."

I found this article especially compelling because it invites the reader to see the possibility of important correlations between personal health and effective (read here healthy) decision making. And now a longer quote from the article (with my own emphasis in italicized font):

"For starters, there is growing evidence that poverty and mental health problems are linked in complex, reinforcing ways. In the United States, a Gallup poll...found that people living in poverty were twice as likely to have been diagnosed with depression as other Americans. One study in 2010 found that 55 percent of American babies living in poverty in 2001 were raised by mothers showing signs of depression."

Dr. Peter Hotez, author of a recent study published in JAMA Psychiatry, draws out the link between health and poverty in the following way: "I estimate 12 million Americans living in poverty suffer from at least one neglected parasitic or tropical disease. The media places so much emphasis on imaginary infectious disease threats, when millions of people in poverty, mostly people of color, have neglected infections that are almost completely ignored."

Poverty and health seem to be something like the chicken and the egg. Which comes first? Does poverty lead to bad health outcomes or does bad health contribute to poverty? I would say the arrow goes both ways. If you are poor you are less likely to have the means to take good care of your health. And if you are persistently ill your capacity to earn a living and be self-sufficient may become seriously compromised.

It seems to follow that improving your health or transcending a "low" socioeconomic status requires a comprehensive strategy that doesn't just focus on the particular issue you wish to change. Like an ecosystem our individual lives are composed of numerous elements that interact with one another in a variety of ways. As an example consider all the potential consequences of changing the amount of hours you work in a week. Working more may impact the quality of your sleep, reduce time you can spend with your family, eliminate feasible options for exercise and other fulfilling activities and so on.

I especially liked the ending of the article:

"So long as we're talking about personal irresponsibility, let's also examine our own. Don't we have a collective responsibility to provide more of a fair start in life to all, so that children aren't propelled toward bad choices?"

As someone who didn't experience a very fair start to my own life I could not agree more with Kristof's sentiments.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Of Ambien Zombies and Altered States of Consciousness

Saturday, June 13, 2015


There is now less than a month of calendar time before I make the leap and completely titrate off the last of the medications I have taken at some point in the last two years. The only medication I now take on a regular basis is sertraline. And I have not been taking what would be considered a therapeutic dosage in a number of months now. This will not be the first time I stop taking sertraline. But I do hope it is the last time I feel the need to take it. I believe it likely will be. Unlike past forays I have made into the realm of psychotherapy I believe my recent two year exploration of the terrain of my inner world has proven much more effective than my past efforts. I attribute my success to a number of factors. I have been willing to try healing methods I previously had never tried. I also have been very diligent in my recent efforts. And being willing to no longer interact with people who express no desire to change their dysfunctional or disrespectful behaviors has also proven immensely helpful.

Not until this most recent 'psychotherapeutic trip' did I appreciate the impact sertraline evidently has on my dream life. I keep much more thorough notes about my health and the journey of psychotherapy as compared to earlier in my life. Like a gardening enthusiast who, in exasperation with the repeated reappearance of unwanted plants, decides to conduct a strategic and thorough - almost painstaking - exploration of his garden (to prevent having to attend to the same issue over and over again) I decided two years ago that if I were going to go back to therapy (yet again!) I would do everything in my power to maximize my prospect of 'success'. My thorough note-taking helped me to discern an apparent correlation between sertraline and my dream-life.

I am certainly no expert on how the pharmaceutical industry assesses the potential side effects of drugs. I do not know if there is a commonly accepted standard as to the length of time that a study should be conducted to determine the potential or likely side-effects of a certain class of drugs. I have no doubt there are certain policy standards but I do not know their details. What I find interesting is how drugs may impact your sleep and, more specifically, your dream-life.

If you want to really appreciate how bad the side effects of some drugs can be consider the story of ambien. Ambien belongs to a class of drugs known as hypnotics. It was approved by the FDA in 1992.  There was a time when ambien dominated the sleep aid market. French manufacturer Sanofi made $2 billion in sales on ambien about ten years ago. Then the strange stories involving ambien began.

You know you are in for a real 'treat' of bizarre stories when you enter the google search term 'ambien horror stories', find a number of search results and, in reading through the first search result you select, discover such phrases as 'ambien defense' and 'crazy ambien sex'. The good primer of Ambien horror stories I allude to can be found in a Huffington Post article from early 2014. The article notes people have been done any number of strange and dangerous things while ambien has been at work in their bodies. Some of the most noteworthy have been murderous rampages, unremembered meal preparation and loss of memory! Consider the contents of the potential side effects warning noted in one particular anecdotal story within the article:

"After taking Ambien, you may get up out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing. The next morning, you may not remember that you did anything during the night...Reported activities include: driving a car ("sleep-driving"), making and eating food, talking on the phone, having sex, sleep-walking."

It seems to me that the number of drugs that make it possible to have sex and later have no memory of it  is fairly small. The Huffington Post article notes that this side effect of ambien may make it an alluring drug of choice for those who wish to commit date rape. If you can drug someone with ambien and subsequently rape that person without any realistic expectation of punishment it is no wonder the drug would be popular among would-be rapists.

I find it interesting that the impact of a medication on your dream-life does not seem to be an issue of significant concern to the pharmaceutical industry. I will grant that I have occasionally heard 'unusual dreams' articulated as a potential side effect when I have seen television commercials advertising some drug. Of sleep related phenomena insomnia seems to be a common potential side-effect that may prove of concern to many. But I have to wonder about the reality of people's dream lives. If drug studies do not include a means to assess how a drug may impact a person's dream-life how could you even gather any data to make an informed conclusion? You can't create data for something you are not measuring.

I feel fortunate that the side-effects of sertraline are nowhere near as noteworthy as those of ambien. The National Institute of Mental Health notes that there are two FDA approved drugs for the specific treatment of PTSD. These are zoloft (sertraline) and paxil (paroxetine). So apparently I didn't exactly have a large number of choices for a medication that could work well in the treatment of PTSD. And from what I know the potential side effects of sertraline are less significant than those associated with paroxetine.

I personally would like to see more research conducted on how medications may impact a person's dream life. I feel this is a worthy focus given how some conditions (like PTSD) can feature nightmares as one of their signature symptoms. Not wanting to go to sleep because you fear having nightmares can put a serious crimp in your quality of life. There have been moments when I have awoken from a horrifying dream and been subsequently consumed by a (thankfully fleeting) feeling of never wanting to sleep again. But depriving myself of sleep as a means of reducing the risk of having nightmares simply creates other risk. For example, research suggests the symptoms of sleep deprivation may mimic psychosis. I would rather have some troubling dreams at night on occasion than be psychotic during the day!

As a student of Naropa University I engaged in the survey of a variety of disciplines that don't often stand alone as their own majors in many university settings. One topic I delved into was dream analysis. There was a time when I was quite dutiful about recording my dreams. Then I drifted away from that practice. More recently I have again moved in the direction of recording my dreams. Dreams are but another way we express our understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

As I move in the direction of titrating off sertraline I look forward to the wisdom of my dreams becoming more intelligible and vivid to me.












Thursday, June 11, 2015

Empty Chair Syndrome

Thursday, June 11, 2015



Not too long ago Clint Eastwood experienced what he likely felt was unjustified derision when he gave a speech that involved him speaking to an empty chair.

A number of years ago I was invited to contemplate an empty chair in a different context. I was a student of Naropa University at the time. Matthew Fox, a well known theologian, teacher and writer, asked a group of students to consider an empty chair in a classroom. I was among those students. I don’t really remember any of his exact words now. What I do remember was the gist of his words. He invited us to contemplate all those who were not filling what were instead empty seats because of whatever circumstances prevented them from doing so. In a sense he was inviting us to consider the hardship, challenges and obstacles so many people face each and every day. Despite wondrous intentions to the contrary not everyone experiences the gift of equal opportunity.

I have been thinking of the metaphor of that empty chair as I near the two year anniversary of my unexpected diagnosis of PTSD as well as my subsequent anniversary of beginning this blog. I have filled many seats throughout my life thus far. I have overcome a number of obstacles to participate in ways that I otherwise would not have. My journey has sometimes been arduous. My journey has sometimes been lonely. And my journey has sometimes seemed exceedingly not worthwhile. But I have journeyed nonetheless.

Tonight, while meeting with my therapist, I focused on the particular theme of the sadness I have carried throughout much of my life. This companion has been with me much of my life. I am grateful to say that my sadness is a less burdensome companion as of late. Two years of therapy has earned me this reward among others. I spoke about this aspect of my life with my therapist and inquired what was a healthy expectation to have regarding my future. Will I always carry some measure of sadness more than I wish to? Will all my sadness ever fully disappear? Will it…heal? I didn’t phrase my question exactly as I have written here. But this is a topic that occupies a space within my mind. I don’t always give the question a lot of conscious attention. But it resides in my heart and mind nonetheless.

As I undertook the journey of renewed self-inquiry and healing these last two years I hoped to eventually begin more seriously asking myself what I wish to do with what remains of my life. I have now reached the point where I am beginning to consciously and thoughtfully do that on a daily basis. What seats do I wish to fill in my future? Where and how do I wish to show up?

As we near the longest day of the year here in the Northern Hemisphere I find myself feeling prepared to actively and deeply engage in the process of building a future for myself. I have been creating a new foundation for myself the last two years. Now that the foundation is established it’s time to build something beautiful upon it.




Wednesday, June 10, 2015

An Ability To Take A Long View

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


One extremely difficult challenge some people may face in the journey of healing from trauma is successfully cultivating at attitude that 'this too shall pass'. In other words the virtue of patience is indeed quite...virtuous. To live a healthy life can feel like a profoundly overwhelming challenge if you are not familiar with the landscape of healthy living. Just as arriving on the shores of an unknown land can feel profoundly disorienting so too can embarking on a new way of life that is unfamiliar to your experience.

Putting a band-aid on a wound is something most anyone can do. Digging deep into ourselves to really change our fundamental worldview and way of living is something much more immense. Two years of sequential therapy has taught me the value of immense patience. I use the word sequential because some things tend to naturally build momentum if you commit to them. When diligently followed over a long period of time an exercise regimen can bring you immense rewards. Therapy can work in a similar way. The gift of an objective witness to the joy and pain of my life has been a wonderful gift to give myself.

This evening while preparing dinner I experienced a moment in which I once again felt an overpowering wave of sadness. And mixed up within the sadness was a less familiar feeling. I also had a feeling of guilt. So I decided to look up the term 'survivor guilt'. I didn't do any extensive research on the subject this evening. I will save that for another time. These waves of sadness wash over me every so often. I made a very healthy dinner for myself tonight. Sometimes I feel sad when, in the present moment of enjoying the kindness I give to myself in the form of healthy food, I recall all those past moments in my life when I did not extend such thoughtfulness to myself. I was quite unkind to myself for a very long time. I was often kinder to others than I ever was to myself. Correcting this imbalance has been quite a process.

Today was another wonderful summer day. I am grateful for the clear vision I now enjoy which allows me to enjoy the world around me.




Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Too Many Summers Gone By

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


I finally feel fairly healthy most of the time. It's a wonderful feeling.

I continue to have moments when I feel quite wistful. I actually looked up the meaning of the word to make sure I have a correct understanding of its meaning. The words sadness and impossible were contained in the definition I found online. Ah yes, the reality of that which is impossible.

I feel my sadness well up when I contemplate the impossibility of going back in time and changing how I spent so much of my time when I was a teenager and younger man. I can remember how, as a teenager, I would spend some of my evenings putting together puzzles. This isn't exactly the most typical activity for a boy of fourteen, fifteen or sixteen to be engaged in. I certainly didn't need to exercise any social skills in pursuing such a solitary hobby. I wish I had made more of an effort to do what other typical teenagers were doing. There is much of the typical life of a teenager that I do not miss at all. But the healthy practice of being a social creature during that phase of development is not something I miss. I miss the fact that I didn't engage in it as much as I now feel would have been healthy for me to do.

If you are a regular reader of my blog you may have grown weary of the number of times I have written about my wistfulness. My immense sadness lived untouched within me for such a long time. It was indeed a burden. It seems only natural I would write about it a lot considering how long I was carrying it around.

I do find myself enjoying the pleasant aspects of my life in the present time though. It's a beautiful time of year to be in Minnesota. I savor the opportunity to enjoy the long days and the greenery of so many trees.

I have had some profoundly powerful dreams the last two nights. I attribute the heightened activity of my dream-life to the fact that I am in the process of weaning myself completely off the sertraline I have been taking for nearly two years now. I can only imagine what may unfold once I go completely off the  medication in July.


Sunday, June 7, 2015

The Light of a June Evening

Sunday, June 7, 2015


I went for a leisurely stroll around my neighboring nature preservation area this evening. At one point I paused on a nearby bridge to admire the golden last minutes of evening light. It was a beautiful sight to watch the water of the stream below me leisurely flow by. The stream was a nice reminder that there are many paces you can follow in living your own life.

I am excited by what is coming next in my life. But I must admit to also feeling some sadness. The sadness I feel has many threads. I am still working through some of the sadness I feel related to my paternal family of origin. I also feel some sadness because the choice I made to stay in Minnesota another year automatically forecloses my availability to pursue other possibilities. My life is not evolving the way I had once hoped it would. This isn't a bad thing however. This is just the natural process of life unfolding as it always does.

It has been nearly two years since I first tried what would prove to be the life changing experience of EMDR therapy. I still find myself frequently appreciating the beauty of how light illuminates the world around me. I find myself feeling a sense of wonder that the light of the sun mingles with the world in so many distinctive ways. That childhood wonder I might typically have experienced in a more serene childhood is something I am instead often experiencing in the present. It's only a few decades "late". But I can only really describe it as late if I insist that my own childhood had to adhere to some existing script of normalcy. In mathematics 'normal' may be conceived as the average of a sum of values whose individual data points may vary significantly from each other. In other words, there is a vast range in what may be experienced as normal.

I am grateful that I will soon be transitioning off the last of the medications I have used throughout these last two years. I feel ready to do so. I feel quite healthy now. My physical health is indeed quite good. And my mental health is quickly catching up.

Beginning in early July, at the time of my two year anniversary of writing this blog, I am going to change my blog. I decided on one aspect of the forthcoming change in the last few days. Beginning July 1st I am only going to write Monday through Friday. The focus of my blog will also change. How it will do so is something I am still puzzling out.




Saturday, June 6, 2015

So What Is Next?

Saturday, June 6, 2015


I feel an unfamiliar sense of expansiveness this evening. Perhaps this is the inevitable result of the developments from yesterday that are now opening up a new direction for my life. Feelings of calm and quiet contentment have been my companions throughout the day. It has been very nice.

The skies are darkening outside now on this early June evening. And I find myself contemplating the changes I will be making in order to move in the new direction I will be plotting for myself. I stand on a new threshold. Now is a good time for me to consider what I wish to carry forward with me as well as what I ought to leave behind.

With the new professional opportunity that has opened to me I have decided it would benefit me to continue to go to weekly psychotherapy through the end of this year. My health insurance should cover the expense of doing so. I feel grateful to have reached a point where therapy no longer feels so compellingly necessary to remain motivated in my efforts to create a rewarding future for myself. Once you decisively commit to it the journey of healing can take on its own momentum.




Friday, June 5, 2015

An Awesome Surprise

Friday, June 5, 2015


So something happened yesterday that was unexpected. It brightened my day and thereby reduced the shadow of an especially painful memory.

Yesterday, June 4th, was the day of the calendar year I learned that my father had nearly been murdered. I could not remember the exact day my father nearly died until I researched the circumstances of this horrible time nearly two years ago in the summer of 2013. Even as recently as June 4th of last year I still carried some significant grief and anger regarding my father's poor choices that ultimately led to his near-murder. Going back to therapy required a steadfast dedication I initially did not want to make. But I resolved that my return to psychotherapy would be the last time I would still be carrying the burden of substantial unhealed childhood trauma.

When I awoke yesterday morning I felt a mixture of relief and sadness that June 4th had arrived again. I feel much better than I did a year ago. And I was much healthier a year ago than I was two years ago at this time in those first days immediately after my return from my trip to Germany.

I was contacted yesterday afternoon regarding a job opportunity. Now, only a day later, I have accepted an offer to assume this job. I will begin in late July. I will spare myself the task of sharing the details of the position today. I will do that in the near future.

As for now I am enjoying the pleasant temperature of an early June evening. My life seems to have never held as much promise as it appears to offer now.


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Value of Abiding Presence

Wednesday, June 3, 2015


Yesterday evening I read a blog piece in the New York Times. The title caught my eyes because it referenced someone who had been in therapy for forty-five years. Yes, you read that correctly...forty-five years of therapy.

It seemed especially timely that I should read this particular piece on the day before the anniversary of the murder attempt that nearly took my father from me in 1982. Permanence and impermanence have been on my mind the last few days as this sobering anniversary has once again approached. I am grateful to be able to honestly state that the feelings I hold about that day as well as my father have shifted quite a bit from a year ago.

Impermanence has, ironically (?) I suppose, been a rather permanent feature of my life. But then this is actually true of all of our lives. Some people just have more impermanence than others. I wish I had not had so much impermanence in the realm of close relationships when I was a child. But I had no real choice in the matter. One distinctive gift of adulthood as compared to childhood is that we can make our own decisions. This is both exhilarating and scary.

......

Today has been a relatively easy day for me. I do feel quite a bit of sadness. This is not surprising given the existing associations I have with June 3rd. After a fairly bright morning the sky darkened as thunderstorms moved through the region. The outdoors have been moistened and softened by what was a stout (but thankfully not too harsh) burst of rainfall.

I started writing a letter to my eight-year old boy self this morning. I suppose I will finish it tonight. I am writing a letter that I imagine giving to myself on June 4, 1982. In fact I wish someone had given me something so encouraging and reassuring as what I have been composing. I essentially remember nothing of how the day of June 4, 1982 unfolded after my aunt told me that my father had been shot. I remember it was a sunny and typically warm June morning in Arkansas. I cannot remember crying, screaming or otherwise indicating the immense distress I felt upon hearing the news. As I sit here and share my recollections of that day some thirty-three years later what does stand out in my conscious awareness is my certainty that my capacity to dissociate became much stronger after that day. Dissociation became a preferred method for me to cope with the anxiety I felt much of the time I was growing up.

It would be incorrect for me to claim that my grieving process has ended. I am still learning to let go more and more of the pain, anxiety and distrust I carried around for so long. But with each day that passes I find the world outside my skin to be more vivid and more amazing.

Healing is an amazing thing.



Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Geography of a Life

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Yesterday was a somewhat difficult day. Though the calendar day I received the unexpected diagnosis of PTSD was June 25th (2013) June 1st stands out in my mind in a different but still significant way. I came back from my research trip to Germany on June 1st in 2013. June 1st marked the beginning of my descent into an abyss of confusion, pain and aggravation. I simply did not understand at the time what I was in for. It turned out to be quite a roller coaster.

I took public transportation to my therapist appointment yesterday. I made this choice because I could not get a taxi ride due to an issue with my current insurance coverage. As I took what was once a very familiar bus to Roseville I passed minor yet still significant landmarks that I frequently passed back when I was regularly taking public transportation to my weekly appointments. It seemed a little strange as the familiar spots passed my field of vision. I marveled at how two years have nearly passed. I also marveled at the strength I had to have to make it through that difficult time in my life. I have had to be strong quite a lot. Always being the strong one can begin to take quite a toll on a person. None of us can be Superman twenty-four hours a day seven days a week.

All of our lives have a certain unique geography to them. There is some special place where we were born. We carry significant associations regarding the schools we attend, the places we frequented as children, the places where we enjoyed outdoor recreation and so on. Trauma can leave an imprint upon our hearts and minds that alters our perception of that geography. Just as we have pleasant associations with some places we may develop unpleasant associations with others. In significant cases of trauma it may prove difficult for a person to be able to visit locales associated with his trauma history as well as his recovery. Joy and beauty may become indelibly etched in our psyches as somehow associated with certain places. The same is true for pain and suffering.

Some people may find it vital to revisit the locales that were the sites of their trauma as a way of finding some sort of healing. It seems to me that in cases of severe trauma such revisitation can take on the quality of a mythic quest to find some sort of redemption. There have been times when my own healing process has felt like some sort of journey in search of a permanent redemption. I believe deeply wounding experiences can inspire people to undertake journeys that require an equivalent depth of courage and resolve.

So what does the geography of your life look like?

What places do you associate with joy, beauty and inspiration?

Where on the planet do you feel safe, serene and brimming with enthusiasm? Do you have such a place you can identify?


I personally am still working out what I need my own geography to be...

Monday, June 1, 2015

An Update


Monday, June 1, 2015


In February, 2014 a local friend forwarded me an article written by Catherine Woodiwiss. At the time I shared my own reflections on where I stood in the journey of my healing process. My original comments appeared in normal font below the italicized content of Woodiwiss’s original article. Now I am sharing an update on how I am doing. It’s timely to do so considering the two year anniversary of my unexpected diagnosis is rapidly approaching. My current status appears as the last segment of content under each heading.

1. Trauma permanently changes us.

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.

This first one is perhaps one of the most difficult ones to acknowledge. Trauma is often so difficult precisely because it can result in permanent change. Does this happen in 100% of all cases of trauma That is a good question. I honestly do not know. If there are some people who emerge from a period of trauma not fundamentally changed or at least somehow marginally impacted I suspect that they represent a very small fraction of the total population who will experience trauma in their lifetimes.

What has been so difficult for me in my own personal journey is the confusion I feel regarding when I can expect normal to feel, well, normal. When trauma happens very early in a person's development, and is then followed by still more trauma early on(as it did in my particular history), it seems the potential for serious and even permanent harm is quite large. As I have observed in the company of friends and alluded to in this blog it seems to me that adults can heal from trauma much more easily than children because they possess something children do not: they have life experience and maturity which can foster the important ability to maintain a healthy perspective. Trauma does not have to permanently scar us and our ability to live in a healthy way in an all too often unhealthy world. But the potential for such scarring is there, and seems to increase as the age at which you experience trauma decreases.

I also agree with Catherine's sentiment, however, that trauma can ironically help us to discover strength we might rarely call upon. This has been my experience. I have come to realize I am much stronger than I often gave myself credit for. I have indeed been finding new strength and joy as she notes is possible.

June 1, 2015

I appreciate this statement more than I have previously.

I have a well honed ability to detect what I call black and white thinking. I think the idea that trauma always and everywhere permanently changes us is a bit of an extreme assertion to make. I do believe we often change as a result of trauma. But does the change have to be permanent? No.

In regards to my own personal history I recognize much more clearly than I did in February, 2014 what the most significant aspects of my trauma history were and how they affected me.

For example, I lost much of my confidence in the possibility of a relatively safe world in that summer after my father was nearly murdered. The amoral behavior of individual people combined with the corrupt or negligent behavior of institutions caused an immense amount of harm to my ability to trust.

What I struggle with most now is not what the trauma did to me per se. Instead, I am still learning how to better develop the skills I failed to more thoroughly develop as an adolescent due to the fact that the trauma I had experienced so impacted my desire to actually participate in the world. My response was not unlike animals who hide in caves after their lives have been threatened.

I believe I would likely have had a much healthier adolescence if the trauma I endured had received sufficient treatment. So I am dealing with it now instead. It’s sometimes a bit weird to be dealing with issues typical of adolescence in my early forties.


2.  Presence is always better than distance.

There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis people “need space.” I don’t know where this assumption originated, but in my experience it is almost always false. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely time even when surrounded in love; to suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. Do not assume others are reaching out, showing up, or covering all the bases.

It is a much lighter burden to say, “Thanks for your love, but please go away,” than to say, “I was hurting and no one cared for me.” If someone says they need space, respect that. Otherwise, err on the side of presence.

I cannot agree more with this one. From what I know of the literature within the mental health profession isolation, intended or otherwise, is a risk factor for the development of a variety of issues including depression, anxiety and delayed healing. We need the presence of others in part because they can assist us in finding that important gift called perspective which I alluded to above. But more importantly we need others because we are social creatures; human beings are not meant to live in isolation. I think it goes against the very grain of our DNA. Put another way: 'No man is an island'.

Very much related to the polarity of presence and distance is the issue of boundaries. Some trauma is very much a product of the violation of healthy boundaries. When children are abused, when a woman is raped, when an entire community is devastated by an occupying army, when a person stalks you...these are all examples of events in which the trauma results from a violation of boundaries.

Looking back and realizing how I had my own issues with boundaries earlier in my life I can say with great confidence that a person's conscious or unconscious violation of personal boundaries can be taken as one potential indicator that a person has been traumatized in the past.

June 1, 2015

The lack of people available to give me the attention I needed in the immediate aftermath of the worst aspects of my trauma severely compounded the harm I experienced.

I haven’t engaged in any regular communication with my paternal family of origin in nearly two years now. The early months of my decision to walk away were very painful. But as more time passed it became easier and easier to accept that the decision I made in the summer of 2013 was in fact the best one I could make. I recognize that extremely unreasonable expectations were made of me throughout my childhood. These expectations led me to become very angry, resentful and mistrusting.

Though I have come to accept the pathology [as evidenced by the negligence that characterized much of the behavior directed at me] of my paternal family of origin as something unlikely to ever really change I have also more fully appreciated the truth that it is not responsibility to try to change these people. What I believe to be their serious hypocrisy and dysfunction is not something I should spend my time focusing on. These people are adults and therefore are responsible for what they did and failed to do.


3.  Healing is seasonal, not linear.

It is true that healing happens with time. But in the recovery wilderness, emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a wobbly figure-8. It’s perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for months, only to jump to another end entirely … only to find yourself back in the same old mud again next year. Recovery lasts a long, long time. Expect seasons.

This observation is also profound. Healing is most certainly not linear. Living encased within the distorted Western, industrialized world paradigm that says 'progress' is not only good but essential, inevitable and endlessly sustainable is a serious delusion. Human development bears out the reality that much of what we observe in the world unfolds in a decidedly non-linear way.

I remarked earlier in the history of my blog how my recovery process was unfolding in direct apparent contradiction to the seasons outside my windows. As I continued to improve last summer, autumn and early winter I was simultaneously observing the world outside moving in the direction of hibernation and death. To be honest it felt quite jarring. Even in the seasons of weather there are steps forward and back. Spring will arrive only to be punctuated by cold winds that serve as a reminder of the season that recently held sway. Heat waves and cold waves can disorient us. Trauma is like that...it can be profoundly disorienting.

But how long does recovery take before you feel normal? That is another good question. There are some days when I yearn so much for a clear answer to that question that I almost hurt in a different way. Considering I had an anxiety disorder that was not fully successfully treated and that this was with me for a vast majority of my life history it does seem rather incredible to expect I would be done with my recovery after a mere seven months...even if I include all the time I previously spent in therapy. I am still waiting to experience my first spring as a man without an anxiety order distorted my capacity for clear perception.

Here is one final connected point. I find myself sometimes drifting off into thoughts of what this coming spring will be like. I tell myself "This spring will be amazing!" And then I catch myself in this imaginative reverie and realize I have the power to direct the course of my life but that I am also a part of a larger system whose future course is well beyond my control. I have ideas about what the future will hold but I cannot guarantee anything to myself or others. And I believe knowing that to be true is a very healthy way of living in the world.

June 1, 2015

Healing is most certainly not linear. As I continue on my journey forward I can look back over the last two years and recognize the truth of this statement.

I feel much better than I did last summer. My grief and sadness are still with me. But they reside more in the background of my psyche rather than the forefront. Through my healthy habits and commitment to creating a healthy future for myself I feel the tender psychic wounding gradually relaxing away.


4.  Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both.

This is a tough one. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: the crisis team — those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew — those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way.

A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles. Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions beside you on the journey.

I can say so much about this one. Rebuilding a life impacted by trauma is no small project. In the best of circumstances post-trauma life can be demanding; it might feel like a never ending slog to get to some 'final' destination that looks like what you imagine healing to be. Under the worst of circumstances trauma can permanently debilitate us. I feel grateful my history of trauma never permanently disabled my body. Though I have had my share of aches and pain I have a very healthy body all things considered.

Reviewing this comment I also am reminded of the wisdom of not 'putting all your eggs in one basket'. If you expect a small number of individuals to be your entire world for you there is a fair chance you will be disappointed.  I have learned this lesson...and then forgotten it only to relearn it again. Just like it is wise to diversify an investment portfolio so is it also wise to diversify how you invest your time. No one person, not even a life partner, can be everything you want and need.

I also agree that trauma can be a very lonely experience. Based on my own personal history and the friendships and relationships I have enjoyed throughout the years I believe it is wise not to invest too much energy trying to find someone so nearly identical to you that you feel it's somehow a guarantee they will be able to relate to you in a deep way. When I have tried to imagine such people for myself I have stuttered a bit at the very thought.  Indeed, I don't imagine there are many people whose personal history (the particular life themes, issues, hurts, traumas, etc) could easily mirror my own.

Finally, as you go through the healing process, it can be very appealing to bond with others over common experiences of trauma. I felt a bit of a tug to do this when I was attending the partial program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital last November. But there is a risk that in seeking companionship based first and foremost on common wounding you might easily collapse your sense of self into your trauma. We are more than the sum of our traumas and hardships. We are much more! Despite whatever particular ways relationships may have been modeled to you as a child healthy relationships do not emphasize the negative, the hurts and a pessimistic outlook on life.

June 1, 2015

I long ago reached the phase of rebuilding. I suppose the ‘firefighting phase’ lasted until early 2014. The main question I confront now is “What exactly do I want to build?”

As noted above healing can be a lonely journey. And despite the fact that nobody really can walk the whole journey with you this should ideally not dissuade you from continuing to be open to the companionship of others.


5.  Grieving is social, and so is healing.

For as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Just as relationships can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be most fully healed.

It’s not easy to know what this looks like — can I trust casual acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source of trauma, can they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks away? Does communal prayer help or trivialize?

Seeking out shelter in one another requires tremendous courage, but it is a matter of life or paralysis. One way to start is to practice giving shelter to others.

This can be a challenging issue to confront. And I think it is only more so in cultures like America where we all too often seem to exist in a 'landscape of atomized selves'. To better understand what I mean by that term please search out a past blog post under that title.

I struggle with the question as to whether family can be the source of healing considering how so much of my PTSD developed in response to illness and dysfunction within my family. The challenge is to not permanently isolate when your heart is wounded. To never allow yourself to love again is to never live again. Life is full of risk. There are no guarantees the moment we emerge from our mothers.

Thus far I have found regular and rigorous physical exercise to be an excellent way to do my own grief work. I do not believe there is one right way to grieve. I do think it somewhat safe to say there are wrong ways to grieve though. Examples would include isolation, rumination over perceived mistakes and what-ifs as well as refusing to allow yourself to fully feel your pain.

June 1, 2015

Grieving can often be a very unique process. The nature of the trauma or loss we experience can provide a distinctive flavor to the quality of our response. Once I was in the thick of my grief work I realized a primary way I was dealing with it was focusing on what I could build and what kind of life I could create in the future.


6.  Do not offer platitudes or comparisons. Do not, do not, do not.

“I’m so sorry you lost your son, we lost our dog last year … ” “At least it’s not as bad as … ” “You’ll be stronger when this is over.” “God works in all things for good!”

When a loved one is suffering, we want to comfort them. We offer assurances like the ones above when we don’t know what else to say. But from the inside, these often sting as clueless, careless, or just plain false.

Trauma is terrible. What we need in the aftermath is a friend who can swallow her own discomfort and fear, sit beside us, and just let it be terrible for a while.

Another way to rephrase this is the following: 'Do not offer false hope.'

When someone is suffering terribly it is only natural and humane to reach out to offer solace and whatever comfort we can. Sometimes all we can do is be present for a person. And sometimes that is more than enough. Attempting to rescue someone from pain may feel noble and wise but rushing in to 'save' a person may do more harm than good. When trauma proves all the more devastating due to poor coping and life skills rushing in to rescue someone caught in such darkness may only delay the inevitable realization a person may need to have that it is essential to develop healthy life skills.

Rather than offer false hope I would propose an effective coping technique can be to refocus your attention on what still is working and wonderful in your life. Unless you are clinically dead there is something going well for you. It may be something as simple as being able to breathe. In the most horrifying moments of trauma we would benefit from employing conscious breathing techniques. This can allow the mind to settle down.

June 1, 2015

One tendency I still struggle with is a tendency to compare myself and the quality of my life to that of others my age as well as other ages. When taken to an extreme this inclination can take on a distinctly adolescent quality. I notice this about me a lot lately. I look around and compare my physical appeal, my professional circumstances and my resources to that of others. Sometimes my life feels a bit like a contest. How fast can I heal? What can I accomplish and by when? Being a Type A personality has its benefits and drawbacks. And being Type A about recovering from trauma has its own unique implications. On some days I find it very difficult to relax. I want to heal faster!


7.  Allow those suffering to tell their own stories.

Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one’s self. The story may ultimately sound very much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures.

This piece strikes me as somewhat similar to #6. Rather than rush in like a paramedic might do sometimes 'merely' witnessing with a person going through difficulty may prove immensely helpful. Sometimes silent presence is ultimately a more satisfying balm than the most concerted actions to change disheartening circumstances (and supposedly thereby address the root issue).

June 1, 2015

Listening and giving space to those who have suffered is vital to that part of the healing process that takes place in more social or public settings. Being heard and valued is a basic human need. Our best intentions to be of support to others in search of healing can mean absolutely nothing if what we offer is not what they need. What people need and what people want are not necessarily the same. Sometimes they are very different.


8.  Love shows up in unexpected ways.

This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends fumble to express care. It’s natural for us to weight expressions of love differently: a Hallmark card, while unsatisfying if received from a dear friend, can be deeply touching coming from an old acquaintance.

Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing. If there are beatitudes for trauma, I’d say the first is, “Blessed are those who give love to anyone in times of hurt, regardless of how recently they’ve talked or awkwardly reconnected or visited cross-country or ignored each other on the metro.” It may not look like what you’d request or expect, but there will be days when surprise love will be the sweetest.

This is wonderful encouragement. And I can attest that love indeed does come to us at unexpected moments. Sometimes the smallest of generosities may come to us and yet for those going through a personal agony it may feel as if that person has moved a mountain for you. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or action. Remember the expression 'It's the thought that counts'?

It's also important to recognize that love can only come to us in the ways we are open to it. You cannot enter doors that are not already open. I believe the more open we are to healing the more likely we are to heal. And healing is as unique as the person experiencing it! So consider asking yourself this question: 'How do you recognize a loving person?' What does love do?

June 1, 2015

I continue to hope that more love will show up for me in unexpected ways. A dearth of consistent, immediate love compounded my early life trauma. There is only so much we can do to bring this into our lives. An openness to diverse possibilities may help facilitate healing and reconnection.


9.  Whatever doesn’t kill you …

In 2011, after a publically humiliating year, comedian Conan O’Brien gave students at Dartmouth College the following warning"Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.' … What he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.”

Odd things show up after a serious loss and creep into every corner of life: insatiable anxiety in places that used to bring you joy, detachment or frustration towards your closest companions, a deep distrust of love or presence or vulnerability.

There will be days when you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell of yourself, when despair yawns as a terrible chasm, when fear paralyzes any chance for pleasure. This is just a fight that has to be won, over and over and over again.

This reminds me again that healing after trauma has no standard path. I have had days when everything outside of me gives the illusion that my life is perfectly fine. You can have a day when everything flows smoothly and you get everything you want and somehow you still feel low and blue. It is perfectly fine for such days to come and go. Remember that recovery is just that, recovery. And yet I do believe that a solid commitment to bettering your life will eventually be handsomely rewarded. It simply takes time and commitment. And you have to be willing to remain steadfast even when the results you desire do not seem to be coming. Think of the farmer who plants his seeds in spring. Does he expect a full crop in a week's time? Of course not. So it is with healing.

June 1, 2015

Healthy perception of the appropriateness of behavior can virtually vanish among those who are traumatized or deeply unhealthy. I think it true that there is likely a substantial correlation between undue risk taking or dangerous behaviors and some past experience of trauma that has gone untreated.

Woodiwiss’s words about the fight that has to be engaged again and again are very timely. When developing skills necessary to create the foundation for a healthy life it proves critical to be patient. Some of the most important skills are the ones we necessarily ideally do every single day. Some of these include eating healthy, brushing our teeth, exercising and the like.


10.  … Doesn’t kill you.

Living through trauma may teach you resilience. It may help sustain you and others in times of crisis down the road. It may prompt humility. It may make for deeper seasons of joy. It may even make you stronger. It also may not.

In the end, the hope of life after trauma is simply that you have life after trauma. The days, in their weird and varied richness, go on. So will you.

That which doesn't kill you not only may make you stronger but it may give you something I alluded to earlier in this writing: perspective. If you have struggled with multiple sectors of your life (career, home, relationships) for a protracted time do you really think you will be likely to notice or care about the small details in life? And by small details I mean those minor things that some people inflate to such a degree that you find it laughable how much energy they waste on drama. Think about these. The discarded bathroom towel not properly hung to dry. Being five minutes late to an appointment. A rain check on a social engagement you are forced to reschedule due to bad weather. Will these minor disappointments permanently hurt you? No. So don't give your immense power to them.

June 1, 2015

I still have that capacity for perspective I alluded to in my original comments. The disappointments of life such as rejected job applications and the minor insensitivities of people we encounter out in the world are relatively minor compared to the deep pathologies within some people and even whole communities that may undermine your quality of life over a long period of time.



In short trauma does not have to signify the end of a good and enjoyable life. You may come out of trauma permanently changed...but perhaps the changes will lead you to an even better life. Who can say? I believe a key to surviving trauma is to not armor yourself against pain indefinitely but to allow loss to speak to your heart. By embracing our darkness we can later more deeply appreciate that which is light in our lives.

Thank you to Catherine Woodiwiss for her excellent piece. I hope my additional thoughts will prove inspirational to those who follow me. Catherine Woodiwiss is Associate Web Editor at Sojourners.