Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Ascending The Castle

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Two years ago my life felt as if it was in free-fall. Everything seemed to be unraveling and I wasn't sure how low my descent would take me. Last night, when meeting with my therapist, he used the metaphor of ascent in a castle to describe my life now. I have moved far beyond the very unpleasant initial phases   of my healing process in which the primary feelings in the forefront of my consciousness were outrage and anger. Then came the immense grief. And next came the sadness. There were no clear delineations between these periods. I didn't wake up one day and realize I had decisively begun a new phase of my healing. Healing often seems to be a two steps forward one step back sort of process.

The castle metaphor was an apt one. The lowest level of the castle symbolizes the darkest and most chaotic of states of being. Moving from anger and rage to immense grief is symbolically represented by ascent to another 'higher' level. And so it goes. In one way I don't like the metaphor though. No sustainable life can truly be built on a foundation of anger and outrage. Carrying those feelings around all the time can be debilitating. Eventually you have to let your pain go or it will consume you. Life can really suck at times. But there is so much beauty as well. It's everywhere around you if you will take the time to really appreciate it.

I am adjusting to becoming a much busier person now. My new position as a research analyst in which I work remotely for a consulting firm based in Washington, DC is sometimes quite demanding. It can take me hours and hours of time to complete projects. And yet I am enjoying them thus far. My current project is the most demanding one I have taken on yet. My final deliverable product will be a memo of some twenty-five to thirty pages in length. Being a regular writer certainly has its perks. It makes the process of synthesizing research into a presentable written form a little more manageable. The process feels less daunting because I have a high degree of confidence in my abilities.

I wish that the other spheres of my life were equally appealing these days. I feel quite good in general. But I feel disappointed that I don't have much to look forward to once I complete my work for the day. I have no partner at home who will be excited to see me once my day ends. I have no cat or dog who will greet me at the door.

And yet life is still much better than it was. I daresay it is much better than it ever has been actually. I will be transitioning off sertraline in approximately three weeks. I have been taking it for nearly two years now.

June in Minnesota is a beautiful creation.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!