Tuesday, December 29, 2015

When The Fog Clears

Tuesday, December 29, 2015


There is a sharpness about my life that was lacking for so long. Clarity is my companion at unexpected moments. I could feel this truth within the fiber of my being as I drove home tonight.

I finally feel as if I will soon be moving beyond a certain plateau I have felt stuck at the last several months. My grief, though nothing like it was in 2013, continues to occupy a portion of my heart and mind. But it is finally and consistently beginning to feel manageable.

There are still days when I wonder what my life could have been if only I had found powerful treatment for my unsuccessfully (fully) treated case of PTSD many years ago. What person could I have become had such a powerful intervention into the course of my life occurred years before it actually did?

I might have stayed in Monterey, California upon completing my graduate studies there.

I might never have traveled to Portland, Oregon where I spent a year of my life and accomplished what I now feel in hindsight was relatively little and quite insignificant to my career evolution.

But then again different circumstances in 2012 might have steered me away from ultimately applying to the McCloy Fellowship Program offered by the American Council on Germany.

There are so many directions my life could have gone. Now I finally feel interested in steering my life in a consistent way and in a singular direction.

I feel good about what I can create in 2016.


Saturday, December 19, 2015

Americana

Saturday, December 19, 2015


So I finally decided what I am going to do in the future in regards to my blog. In 2016 my goal will be to write once a week. Given the deep work I did the last 2 1/2 years I do not anticipate I will write extensively about my own personal journey in 2016.  I am largely complete with the psychotherapeutic odyssey I have undergone these last thirty months.

The holidays are often not an easy time of year for me. This year seems similar in that regard. And yet I feel much better than I did a year ago. I am still swimming through my grief. But at least I am able to swim through it. And I am fortunate to have friends and a therapist to accompany me on my journey.

American culture at large continues to dismay me these days. I feel deep concern regarding the political discourse related to the 2016 presidential election. Bullying and machismo seem to be as firmly rooted in the American psyche as they ever have been. We continue to witness gun violence at an appalling rate in this country. And we continue to collectively fail to do anything substantive about this scourge that, in my opinion, makes us a pariah state in the international community.

I am not proud to be an American citizen these days.


Sunday, December 13, 2015

What To Do Next?

Sunday, December 13, 2015


I am beginning to feel that writing a blog as frequently as I once did no longer really serves my needs. I know this is true partly due to the fact that I have changed. I am a very different person compared to the man I was in June, 2013.

I now find myself very aware of the many opportunities I have enjoyed in my life. Yes, I have experienced immense hardship. Yes, I was deeply and repeatedly traumatized in the earliest years of my life. But that is only one part of my life story. I overcame the obstacles of my early life history and obtained a great education. I have been generous with my time and energy throughout my life. I have been a kind person.

I need to move on now.

A whole new world is opening up to me now.


Friday, December 4, 2015

Old Demons

Friday, December 4, 2015


It was another full week.

And here I am being a responsible adult male and writing about my journey of recovery from trauma on a Friday night. There are times when I feel I must have one of the dullest lives on the planet. I am diligent and focused. And I am writing...on a Friday night. And yet somehow I am still struggling financially. Too often I find myself asking myself the question "How is this possible?" How is it possible that I could have worked as long as I have and have so little material security to show for it. It seems almost...inconceivable.

Yesterday was a rough day. I was obliged to visit one of my old haunts. The old haunt I am referring to is Abbott Northwestern Hospital. I went there for a CT scan after seeing a doctor in Uptown (who was filling in for my primary care doctor). My GI system has been bothering me for over a week now. I was also feeling a bit lethargic and unmotivated. So I decided to continue to live in a way I have been living ever since June, 2013. I decided to be proactive. I try to be as proactive about my health as possible because I want to minimize the risk of ever going through something like what I endured in June, 2013.  That month felt like a thirty day marathon of the sky falling in on me.

While visiting Abbott Hospital I was unsurprised to find memories of 2013 drifting through my awareness. I felt like I virtually lived at Abbott Hospital during the summer of that year. Upon getting great health insurance at the beginning of June, 2013 I decided to make extensive use of it. And as I made use of my insurance I discovered there was a lot of work I could do on myself. I feel proud of how much I have utilized the gift of my health insurance. And I am determined to never go through a period of my life in the future without health insurance. Living without insurance strikes me as incredibly risky and irresponsible.

The pain of that period of 2013 was compounded by the fact that I went to many of my medical appointments alone. Though I did have some local friends at that time I had not lived in Minnesota very long at that point. Bearing the burden of undergoing so many tests and appointments was thus more difficult because I had minimal local support to assist me in a time of immense need.

Old memories of painful times from decades ago appeared in my thoughts again today. I attended the annual meeting of the Youth Intervention Programs Association in Brooklyn Center. I met a lot of people who are passionate about helping youth overcome obstacles and realize their potential. I felt very encouraged. But I also found the meeting to be a sobering experience. The scale of the problem of disenfranchised and mistreated youth is significant. There is a lot of work to be done.


These last thirty months represent my most concerted effort I have ever made to transcend the pain and limitations of my early life history. I might not have been so diligent in my journey of healing had what happened in 2013 occurred much earlier in my life. I would like to believe that we all tend to become more mature as the years pass. I might have foregone the opportunity to do still more psychotherapy had I been a man a decade younger than I actually was. Older and wiser often can go together.

I feel a lot calmer tonight after having my doctor rule out appendicitis and diverticulitis as likely explanations for the symptoms I have been experiencing in my gut.

I continue to do my best to be open to healing in my life. Healing, love, abundance and joy can come to us in very unexpected ways. I would like to believe that 2016 will be my best year yet. I certainly feel I have been tilling my own 'psychic ground' long enough such that immense blessings should easily find their way to me.

One can only hope.




Tuesday, December 1, 2015

World AIDS Day

Tuesday, December 1, 2015


Today was a day dedicated to honoring those who have lost their lives to AIDS and those who fight onwards in the present day in the search for a means to stop the spread of HIV. I was fortunate to be a bit too young to be able to count myself among that generation of gay men who lost many, many friends and lovers to AIDS. I can vaguely remember hearing about the development and spread of AIDS on the evening news when I was a kid. I wasn't even technically a teenager until 1986. By that time AIDS had spread throughout the world. The epidemic was in full swing by the time there was any chance I would be sexually active and thus be at heightened risk of infection. Had I been born in a different time (earlier) and place (the San Francisco Bay Area or New York City area) I might easily already be dead today. Our life journeys can lead us in unexpected directions.

In the autumn of 2004 I did some extensive traveling. I was a graduate student at that time. I went to the Netherlands to visit the village where my paternal family of origin lived before coming to the United States in the 1870s. Upon returning to the United States I visited Boston and New York City. My visit to Boston coincided with World AIDS Day that year. I can still recall attending an AIDS Day event  during my visit to Boston. I walked a labyrinth and contemplated all the people who had died in the two decades prior to 2004.

The appearance of the AIDS epidemic has relevance to my blog focused on trauma. How? The AIDS epidemic was a cause of immense loss and suffering for many people. Many gay people lost friends, partners and even whole networks of people. And as HIV continued to spread around the world it became quite clear that AIDS was not a "gay disease". Heterosexual people, married couples, injection drugs users and others fell victim to HIV infection. HIV was (and still is) an equal opportunity destroyer of lives. The loss and suffering many people endured was so extreme that it is not an exaggeration to state many people were genuinely traumatized by what happened. The AIDS epidemic thus exemplifies how serious physical health issues can ultimately compound upon themselves and lead to additional burdens such as psychological trauma. It's a wonder more people in the healthcare community did not burn out given the demands they experienced in the 1980s and 1990s. And the trauma of the AIDS epidemic was still further compounded by the hatred, hypocrisy and hysteria many infected with HIV found themselves confronted with in American society.

HIV and AIDS is a very different reality today. Those who became infected but nonetheless survived the early years of the epidemic now face realities that were quite rare decades ago. Having survived two or even three decades those first infected with HIV long ago now also face the challenges of aging. These circumstances will undoubtedly bring both new opportunities and challenges for those living with HIV as well as the healthcare industry.

I thought of the changing face of the HIV positive community today as I reflected on the significance of World AIDS Day. I have a good friend in his 60s who is HIV positive. It is wondrous that so many people were ultimately able to survive the early years of the epidemic. And I think it's even more amazing that some of these survivors' mental health is as good as it is. I wasn't an adult in the early 1980s so I can't know what it was like to be a young man and suddenly discover myself to be HIV positive. I can imagine it felt positively harrowing for all too many people.

As I prepare to end yet another productive day marked by numerous blessings I feel quite fortunate to be me.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Being Healthy...Every Day

Friday, November 27, 2015


The world of retail calls today Black Friday. I personally enjoyed a Relaxed Friday. It was a great gift to have very little to do today. I feel fortunate to have several days in a row off so I can take some time to recharge. The holidays are often not an easy time for me. I can easily find myself thinking about my family of origin. And soon I might find myself spiraling down into a deep (though temporary) funk when I bring to mind the reality that I am not on speaking terms with my paternal family of origin.

Nearly two and a half years have passed since "all hell broke loose" in my life in 2013. I put that phrase in quotes because it has such a dramatic ring to it. Though that time in my life was indeed horrible there was never anything (to my knowledge) that happened during that time that was life threatening. I was miserable for quite a while due to the fact that I had placed my trust in a number of people...and then I learned, in rather quick succession, that several people I had trusted were not at all trustworthy.

Stress and fear can bring out the worst in people. I believe you can often learn a lot more about who people truly are when they are stressed and enduring immense loss as compared to when their lives are filled with joy and contentment. The good times make for smooth sailing in life. It's the dark storm clouds of chaos and pain that overwhelm many people. It is easy to begin living in survival mode when stress and suffering persist over a long period of time.

Recovery from trauma is a process. I have commented on this elsewhere in my blog. In this regard trauma recovery is not unlike recovery from other challenges that life may present us. Challenges such as financial setbacks, physical health issues and catastrophic events (such as losing your home in a fire) all may often require us to diligently work to recover. Such recovery work will require us to commit some amount of time so that we may ultimately overcome such difficulties. Lasting recovery may thus prove especially challenging for those who do not come by patience easily. Discerning a realistic ending in a journey of trauma recovery may prove quite difficult when you first embark on such a journey. I know this from my own personal experience. It is no coincidence that my own blog references the word 'odyssey' in the title. I have often felt as if I have been on a journey of healing for a very long time!

I now generally feel as if I am living a fairly healthy life on a daily basis. There are still some moments when I find myself ruminating on old hurts and disappointments. There are days when I feel very unmotivated and even deeply pessimistic about the likelihood that I will one day achieve those big, amazing dreams we all supposedly have for our individual lives. Some days I feel as if my very ancient grief (which first appeared in my childhood when I nearly lost both of my biological parents by the age of nine) still has immense power to distort my view of the world around me. But thankfully these issues continue to wane with time. The trend line of my life continues to point up. I feel optimistic about my prospects for my future.

The world at large is another matter. With some individuals drawing comparisons between one of our current supposedly credible GOP contenders for the 2016 Presidential election ("The Donald") and Adolf Hitler it's not at all surprising that some people would feel depressed about the state of affairs throughout the world. Chaos seems to reign in many parts of the world. The potential long term consequences of an Islamic State continuing to undermine the stability of Africa, Europe and the Middle East are too horrifying to easily contemplate. Meanwhile the Pacific Basin is experiencing a monstrous El Nino which may easily set records during this upcoming winter. It doesn't appear we are going to do anything genuinely significant about human induced climate change until catastrophic disruption of the global climate is not only upon us but largely irreversible.

When pondering the world at large I try to take pause when I find myself feeling deeply pessimistic. Given my own life history it can be difficult to clearly identify what portion of my pessimism is attributable to the trauma I endured as a child and what portion is a healthy and proportionate response to what I witness occurring in the world around me.

There is only so much that one person can do in the world. I am deeply aware of that given my current professional commitment. And yet I nonetheless believe that we could successfully address the biggest problems of the world if we would bring more courage, creativity and determination to bear to seeking solutions to those problems.

The world needs more love rather than more money. We need people committed to living lives of open-heartedness.





Monday, November 23, 2015

Illumination

Monday, November 23, 2015


I had a very enjoyable meeting this morning. My meeting was with a man who works for a company I am becoming increasingly interested in. What made the meeting all the more memorable was the fact that a certain song came over the speakers of the coffee bar we met at while we were still in 'meeting mode'. It was the song 'Breathe Me'. This song became a permanent part of my personal music favorites  after being featured in the finale of the television show Six Feet Under. The song coupled with the finale of this well received show has a way of making the most emotionally reserved of us human beings turn (at least briefly) into sobbing heaps. If there is one television show finale that powerfully captures the ephemeral quality of human existence it is the finale of Six Feet Under. I experienced what happened this morning as a powerful synchronicity.

I have long believed in the significant value of incidents of synchronicity. But what is a synchronicity? The term synchronicity was conceived by Carl Jung and can be described as "a significant coincidence of physical and psychological phenomena that are acausal connected." The worldview I apply to my daily life includes this particular instruction when a synchronicity occurs: Pay Attention! I found myself paying close attention when I became aware that the song 'Breathe Me' was playing during the particular meeting I had this morning. I took this meaningful coincidence as a sign that my crossing paths with this man could be the beginning of something profound in my life.

My day continued to feel exceedingly significant to my future life when I realized that this unexpected incident this morning happened on the anniversary of a session I did two years ago with a local shamanic practitioner. The day felt incredibly filled with both reminders of my past and hints of possibilities for my future.

It will soon be time for me to end my waking hours for this day. I will go to bed feeling excited about what I can manifest in my future life. I felt I had something of a breakthrough regarding the future possibilities open to me (and my openness to them) due to what happened this morning.

Life has an amazing way of leading us down paths we might never have imagined we would take.





Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Perils Of Working Too Much

Sunday, November 22, 2015


I spent much of my weekend engaged in work. Yesterday I attended a leadership development program  I have been attending since late September. Today I made visits to two local Catholic parishes to promote the work of my current employer. I thus had to be up quite early on both days. I didn't have much of a chance to relax this weekend. I am therefore grateful that the forthcoming week will be an abbreviated one.

I don't feel that I am burning out again. But I do have a persistent awareness of both the risk of burnout as well as the signs that may begin appearing when a person is approaching a stage of burnout. The multi-faceted practice of self-care is vital for anyone engaged in one of the helping professions. Though my self care skills are still not as well developed as I would like them to be I nonetheless do feel good about the skills I am able to bring forth to direct my life.

When living an active life it is wise to be consistently mindful of what your priorities are.


Friday, November 20, 2015

Visions of California...and Beyond

Friday, November 20, 2015


Something unexpected happened yesterday. And it has me wondering about the full range of future possibilities that I could allow myself to realistically explore.

I logged into my LinkedIn profile and discovered someone from the Monterey Bay area of California had recently looked at my profile. When I reviewed this individual's profile I found my interest piqued. I actually began having a fantasy of getting a job with the organization this person works for. And suddenly I found myself imagining living in California once more.

It's not an understatement for me to claim that these last few years of my life have been profoundly transformational. I feel very different (and much healthier) as compared to how I felt over four years ago when I left California upon completing graduate school. I wish I had known about EMDR therapy earlier in my life history. Had I known about this powerful therapeutic tool I might have made better choices earlier in my life. I might have found and sustained a measure of vitality in my life many years sooner. I might be "more" successful in my professional life than I am now. I put the word 'more' in quotes because it would be untrue to state I am not successful now. I have created a measure of success in my life thus far. But I want more.

I will state that again: I want more. And I not only want more but I feel I genuinely need more. I feel that I need more of so many things. I need more love. I need more friendship. I need more intimacy. I need more fun. I need more exuberance. I need more of the fundamental elements necessary to create a vital and rewarding life.

The question that stands before me so often now is a question of how I can attend to the grief and sadness that I still feel so often. Such heaviness does not characterize my life on a daily basis. But I am nonetheless often aware of a heaviness within me borne of the extensive suffering and feelings of fear and anxiety I experienced so often when I was a small child. This pervasive fear and anxiety persisted for years. I simply became unconscious of the depth of my suffering because being conscious of it on a daily basis was simply too overwhelming. I developed a capacity for intensive dissociation as a way of dealing with the anxiety and fear I felt on a regular basis. June, 2013 marked a time when the immense amount of unacknowledged suffering and inner turmoil I had long carried finally erupted into my conscious world. I felt completely blindsided during that time. I felt devastated for many months. It was scary.

Nearly two and a half years have passed since that difficult time. My life is fairly serene now. I have a network of friends and others who provide me valuable support. I have a day job I enjoy. I have other interests I pursue as well. I am pondering what I will do in my future professional life. I am actively networking to learn more about what suitable opportunities may be open to me. In short, my life is quite good now.

But that sadness still resides in my heart. It is a sadness borne of living many, many years in such a manner that my capacity to fully experience the present moment was at least somewhat compromised. My sadness does not define me. Indeed, even on a bad day the sadness I carry feels nothing like it did as recently as six months ago. In a similar manner my 2013 diagnosis of PTSD does not define me either. The horrible events of my childhood do not define me either. I can move forward and I can transcend the obstacles I had to overcome.

I feel an excitement about my future I have not always felt. I believe 2016 and beyond may yet prove to be the best years of my life. I certainly intend to make every effort to realize this vision for myself. And I am going to continue to pray for guidance and support as I make my journey forward.




Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Freezing Time

Wednesday, November 18, 2015


I recently began the process of seriously thinking about what I want to do once my current professional role supposedly expires next August. I say "supposedly" because I have been thinking about the pros and cons of exploring the possibility of remaining in my role for an additional year. I enjoy the work I do now. And I would like to stay in my position long enough to see my efforts begin to come to significant fruition. And seeing such fruition occur seems to require that I remain in my role for more than one year.

As I contemplate the possibilities of my future I often feel a bit confused and even bewildered. I don't recognize the person I have become. And this is actually a good thing. I am far more forthright, confident and self-directed than was once typical of my general way of operating in the world. The person I have become feels much more consonant with the person I truly am. I have found my way back to my true self. I am expressing who I truly am.

There are still moments that arise in which I feel my grief weigh upon me with a heaviness that feels positively suffocating. But thankfully I am able to cope in those moments by applying a variety of skills I have learned to deeply care for my own health. When caught up in a wave of my deep grief I often find myself feeling a deep yearning to recapture the time I have lost. And when I realize I cannot travel back in time and really change the past I instead will sometimes have these thoughts of attempting to slow down the passage of time now. I find that I want to freeze time somehow. These thoughts arise in my own mind when I imagine different ways I can proceed with my future. If I were to stay in Minnesota a year longer than I was already planning to do then I feel an urgency to use that additional year so well that I would effectively not age.

Yes, there are many times I want to freeze time.

But time waits for no person. Somehow we must all come to terms with what we once enjoyed but can never again have.


Saturday, November 14, 2015

The "Evil" Other

Saturday, November 14, 2015


"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

News stories like the one about the recent terrorist attack in Paris, France have a way of really getting under my skin. It always saddens me when I read of people perpetrating violence against other people. Such stories have a way of igniting or reigniting uncomfortable questions in my own mind. One of the foremost uncomfortable questions that has (re)appeared in my conscious awareness is this: "Is complete healing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder possible?" I personally believe that it is. But then again you have to define what "complete healing" tangibly looks like. And it's also very true that people may suffer from PTSD due to any number of reasons. I believe it is therefore correct to assume that people experiencing PTSD have a wide range of potential prognoses.

Stories of violence made more destructive by human made weaponry are always particularly difficult for me to hear about. It seems only natural I would have such a response given the fact that some of the most severe trauma I experienced resulted from my stepmother's attempt to murder my father. Violence, whether it occurs between spouses, between races or between nation states, always elicits sadness in me. We are such a destructive species at times. And I think much of that destructiveness can be attributed to our (often irrational) fear of "the other".

I remember first learning about the "othering process" when I took a graduate class in the San Francisco Bay Area of California a number of years ago. I was able to grasp the idea behind this very clinical sounding phrase quickly. Writ simply "othering" is a way in which we as individuals or as a group make another group of people different...and thereby wrong. I have no doubt that a lot of "othering" language is currently being spewed throughout America in regards to what happened in Paris. There will undoubtedly be claims made by people of a conservative political persuasion that what happened in Paris justifies their belief that the proper policy response is to "kill all the Muslims". Such rhetoric certainly flared up in the days and months immediately after September 11, 2001. But from what I know Muslims are not the problem in this world...or even necessarily a big problem. What I believe is a big problem is undiscerned religious ideology unmoored from any genuine knowledge of world religions serving as the foundation for violent acts like what took place in Paris this past week.

...


My big "takeaway" from the tragedy in France is a reinforcement of my belief that people need to be seen, acknowledged and witnessed in their lives, both in their joy and in their pain. When people are effectively thrown away by their societies because they are perceived as "less than", dangerous, evil, wrong, bad and so on it often creates enormous damage in their lives. And it also provides fertile psychic soil for radicalization. One can see the ravaging effects of being cast away in any number of typically underserved and marginalized populations. I have witnessed it in peoples such as the Native American community, the elderly and the homeless.

I often feel we live in a highly reactive world where actions (being perceived to be doing something about an issue) are seen as having more value than simultaneously stepping back, at least for a moment, and really pondering what could lead people to do what they do. When reading about the tragedy in Paris I had the following questions: What were the lives of those eight people like who took so many more lives in Paris? Were they radicalized at a young age? Did they suffer immense deprivation and live in families that struggled to provide basic yet necessary things like food, shelter and clothing? Are their own nation states of origin zones of perpetual conflict? Do they believe the West is responsible for their agony?


I think I have lived long enough and worked among enough frequented disadvantaged and underserved populations of people to appreciate several truths: 1) despite all the trauma and hardship in my own life I am relatively fortunate, 2) reading about the lives of countless people who make up a statistic of some group that has suffered inordinate hardship is not the same as actually living such a hard life, 3) we will never successfully address the issues of our world if we automatically take a reactive stance rather than a responsive one, 4) gestures of solidarity are nice (like changing your profile picture on Facebook to show France's flag colors) but what about taking some action to look at the marginalized communities in your own midst and 5) there is not a person alive who cannot potentially thrive if he or she has sufficient support.

I really wish we would create a more thoughtful, compassionate, deliberative world. I believe we could. I believe we can. But many people are deeply fearful and feel deeply wounded. Fear rules many human actions.


It's the darkness in our own hearts and minds that must be attended to. We must first start with ourselves. Once we address the darkness in our own hearts, minds and lives we can then begin to better address it in the world. What a world we could create if we would stop killing, demonizing, maliciously gossiping and harming one another. What a world indeed.

Before looking outside of yourself look within.





Friday, November 13, 2015

Distilling Sadness

Friday, November 13, 2015


So it's a beautiful day outside...and I feel sad. I could spend a lot of mental energy making out a list of "likely suspects" to explain why I am feeling sad. But sometimes we feel sad and there really isn't an identifiable reason why we feel what we do. In other words, it is sometimes a wise practice to notice what you are feeling and then do nothing to try to change how you are feeling. Allowing our feelings to be what they are and evolve in their own time can be a real challenge. I certainly think this holds true for traumatized, dramatic, paranoid America. Am I being unkind to the nation of my citizenry? Perhaps. But I think my critique is nonetheless valid. Americans as a people are quite unskilled in dealing with their feelings.

I know some of my sadness is due to the fact that I have exerted immense effort to construct a new life for myself after the implosion that was June, 2013. I have been working on this work in progress known as me for nearly two and a half years now. And this is just my most recent iteration of walking the journey of my life with the assistance of psychotherapy. I am nonetheless confident that this iteration will prove so much more beneficial for me due in part to the fact that I have been diligent and patient and loyal to the process over an extended period of time.

And yet though my life is immensely better than it was so many months ago I still occasionally feel extremely vulnerable. I believe vulnerability is something that can be acknowledged, honored and explored or exploited and ultimately lead to great harm. When we are deeply vulnerable the boundaries between ourselves and the world around us are essentially removed (or at least minimized). And when such boundaries do not stand in our way of engaging with the world we can experience immense growth...or incredible tragedy. Vulnerability, like so many things, can be experienced as a double-edged sword.

I feel myself standing on the fine line of that double edged sword. There are moments when I still feel immense fear about my future. And there are other moments when I feel a deep intuitive knowing that 2016 will be my best year yet.



Monday, November 9, 2015

Finding Healing

Monday, November 9, 2015


I did something today that I felt was a very healthy choice. Indeed, I could even call what I did healing. After getting my teeth cleaned I decided to have lunch at a restaurant close to where I lived at this time two years ago. The place I visited is called Jakeeno's Pizza and Pasta.

Over two years ago I found myself frequenting this place for a period of months. At that time I was still coping with the unexpected development of realizing that I could benefit from going to still more therapy. I was quite upset about that development for a very long time. But time ultimately keeps unfolding; we are residents of an ever changing world. We can find this truth consoling or unsettling. If we are suffering today we may find that tomorrow presents us with a very different set of circumstances. This too shall pass.

After eating lunch I drove down to a park that I used to walk around back when I lived in that part of Minneapolis. I got out of my car and walked once around the perimeter of the park. Though I am still dealing with foot pain I pressed myself to do this small bit of walking. It was a brilliantly sunny day today. Temperatures continue to run well above normal here in Minnesota. It appears extremely unlikely that we will experience a winter like the one we did two years ago. I found myself smiling as I made my single lap around a patch of green and a kids' playground that was a familiar environment for me over two years ago. I truly have come a long way since the darkness that shrouded my life and thinking throughout much of 2013.

Only after leaving and beginning my drive home did I recall what was additionally special about this day. Today is the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. It has been twenty-six years since that momentous day in German history. The world is such a different place as compared to what it was on November 9, 1989.

Time moves us forward. We can choose to embrace change. It's not always easy. But it can be very rewarding to open our hearts and minds to new possibilities.


Sunday, November 8, 2015

A Strange Sense of Humor

Sunday, November 8, 2015


Despite feeling quite busy now I somehow find myself able and willing to make time on a Sunday to write down some of my thoughts here.

Lately I have been reflecting a bit on the development of my sense of humor. As the deep work I did with my therapist these past two years recedes more and more into the past I find myself aware of something emerging. I find myself more and more aware of how much I enjoy inspiring people to laugh. And I am simultaneously aware that I didn't feel it wise to make myself exceedingly visible when I was a kid by inspiring people to laugh. At that time in my life I had a (largely unconscious) fear that drawing such attention to myself might ultimately result in an unwanted form of attention being given to me. I think it not unusual for kids who experience abuse and neglect to shrink away from opportunities to be more visible in both their families and communities. Hiding away can be a protective adaptation to minimize being hurt even more.

I find myself wanting to have some sort of outlet where I can have fun, laugh with others and inspire still other people to laugh. I feel it would be very healthy for me to give myself some time to fantasize about suitable venues to do such exploration. It would seem my greatest challenge now would not be to find actual venues where I could enjoy such an outlet but rather finding the time to actually do so. Even three months into my new job I still feel myself adapting to how busy I have become.

I sometimes think I have a very strange sense of humor. I suspect this is not unusual for people who have experienced significant trauma in their life histories. When life appears exceedingly dark and grim a dark sense of humor can ironically cast light into that darkness and make life feel much more manageable.

I feel much better psychically speaking than I have in a very, very long time. I only wish the health issue I have had with my feet these last twelve months would decisively and permanently clear up. The persistence of the tenderness and sensitivity of my feet leaves me feeling a bit confused as to what goals I can realistically set for my future. I will be getting an opinion from another podiatrist on November 16th. I hope my appointment will provide me some genuine insight in how to proceed. It has been very demoralizing to deal with yet another health challenge these last twelve months. And it has also reinforced my conviction that I need to find a genuine outlet for humor and light-hearted fun.

I took some time today to revisit the treatment plan I first created in collaboration with my therapist in July, 2013. I was gratified to note that a number of the goals I had set for myself are no longer relevant; I achieved these goals and can therefore cross them off my list.

I find myself feeling happiness and contentment these days. By no means do I feel such soft, warm feelings every day. But the sadness and grief that once weighed so heavily on me no longer feels so oppressive. I do still feel some measure of sadness many days. And perhaps some of my sadness will never completely dissipate. A realistic goal is to find a way to accept this very possibility and allow myself to feel the full range of feelings a person may experience throughout a lifetime.

I am happy to have reached the stage of personal development I have achieved thus far.



Thursday, November 5, 2015

A Financial Future

Thursday, November 5, 2015


I went to a networking event this evening. It was offered by Catherine Byers Breet at the Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis. I always enjoy hearing Catherine speak because she is so enthusiastic about the work she does. People who are passionate about their work are the type of people I want to hang out with. After her presentation a gentleman who works for Thrivent Financial spoke about important aspects of managing your financial life. It caused me to think about my own financial future.

I would like to believe that I am going to somehow have a financial future worth remembering and even...celebrating. But I sometimes struggle to maintain a positive outlook about this part of my future. And it's not for lack of trying that I nonetheless have some fears about my future. No, I have fears about the future due to the misplaced priorities I feel our nation has become enmeshed in. And I don't really feel I see the political will present in this country that is necessary to bring about some significant and needed reforms. With income inequality a major problem in this nation I wonder how realistic it now is for many Americans to expect a decent quality of life. I will leave my dear readers to define 'decent' for themselves.

Trauma can destroy many aspects of a person's life. And a financial future is certainly one of those aspects. I feel fortunate to be where I am today. In a monetary sense I am poor. But my ability to enjoy my life each and every day is really the best it has ever been. As I noted in my most recent posting some people who suffer a trauma will never completely recover from it. So I am already more fortunate than many, many people. I may currently be low on the rungs of the socioeconomic ladder but I finally am enjoying some things I rarely did before. I have a peace of mind borne of much inner work and contemplation. I have a capacity to listen that I am daily refining through my work. And I can go to bed at night feeling content with the work ethic I bring to the important issue of homelessness in America.

Despite my occasional rumination about what my future will be in one, two or five years from now I know that I will sleep well tonight.

When undertaking a long journey of healing it is vital to cultivate a capacity for patience.


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The Normalcy of Working

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


I have been working in my current position for three months now. This is wondrous. I have had other jobs in my life that were short-term positions. And though my current role is only designed to be a year long contract I feel very good about the direction I am moving now. I am beginning a whole new journey in my life. As I have commented elsewhere here in this blog I entered "the second half" of my life in 2013. At the time I was going through this profound transition I didn't use such language to describe what was happening. Encountering the teachings of Richard Rohr augmented my existing vocabulary and thereby gave me additional language to use to make some sense of what I was experiencing.

Even though I have been consistently working for ninety days now it still sometimes feels a bit surreal and strange. There were days back in 2013 when I thought I might never reach the stage I am at now. And though I feel fairly unencumbered by the residual pain associated with the trauma from my earliest years of life I have nonetheless not forgotten that there are all too many people who never recover from debilitating illnesses or life changing events. Some people become disabled and their lives are permanently marked...forever. I am fortunate that I am largely able to reclaim my life. For me the question was never would I reclaim my health and my life but when?

The healing journey out of personal oblivion can be arduous, long, scary and lonely. Recovery from serious illness is not necessarily guaranteed. And this is true even for those of us who work hard to recover.

I am grateful for all the good there is in my life now. There is much for me to be thankful for. And I am proud of the positive impact the organization I work for offers to the community.




Saturday, October 31, 2015

What *Is* Poverty?

Saturday, October 31, 2015


"We have historically understood poverty as moral failure. And, in fact, we have an entire sort of architecture of language we use to talk about this, the culture of poverty, the notion that there is something inherent in individuals that leads them to be poor, some sort of moral, emotional, intellectual failing, or some sort of collective culture that is born and bred in poor communities, in which we pass poverty around almost as if it's some sort of disease."

- Stephen Pimpare in an interview on Democracy Now


Yesterday was a special day. I attended an event on the University of Minnesota campus to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of the AmeriCorps program. I currently work for a non-profit organization focused on providing skills development for homeless youth here in the Twin Cities. It can be very demanding work. But I am enjoying it nonetheless.

During the commemoration of the AmeriCorps program I was introduced to Stephen Pimpare through a video presentation that offers thirteen lessons regarding our collective understanding of poverty. I found many of the lessons presented in the video to be spot on. I am going to specifically write a bit about two lessons contained in the video. These are the third and seventh lessons presented in the video. The particular issues examined in these lessons are that "childhood poverty is toxic" and "persistent poverty is a disability problem."

In the third lesson Pimpare notes that poverty "is exceedingly stressful...especially for children." Put succinctly children who are at a disadvantage in their earliest years are more likely to struggle with significant challenges over the duration of their lives. It thus follows that any successful strategy to alleviate and eradicate poverty must address childhood development and how a society takes care of its children. In lesson seven a quote from Shawn Fremstad notes that "disability is both a fundamental cause and consequence of poverty." A person's ability to work (as well as the skills they can offer in the labor market) is thus also a significant predictor of risk for poverty.

While I found Pimpare's presentation quite compelling I still find it rather problematic that poverty is so often equated with monetary deprivation. In my mind poverty is so much more than a lack of money and the subsequent consequences of having little money. There are many more important factors that contribute to a good life. Consider what makes for a good childhood.

It's obvious that children need the same things that any other human beings need. They need food, shelter and clothing. But they also need consistency in their relationships. They need caregivers and other people they can rely upon to provide them not just material sufficiency but also the more intangible nurture we speak of when we use words such as love, care, friendship and so on. When children grow up in a world defined by chaos, confusion, insufficiency and violence the stress of such circumstances can (and often does) have serious consequences. Pimpare notes that such stress exacts physiological consequences...among other things. Indeed, stress can create an enormous toll. To appreciate the impact of stress I encourage any of my dear readers to read from the resources of post-trauma coach Michele Rosenthal. A cursory review of her videos and other resources will further substantiate Pimpare's emphasis on the physiological consequences of stress.

So in the spirit of speaking about what poverty "looks like" I offer my own list of what poverty tangibly can look and feel like:


Poverty is:


  • Not knowing if your mother or father will have a reliable income because job opportunities in the local community are inconsistent.
  • Not having a reliable source of clean water because a local plant polluted your water source and was not held accountable for its conduct.
  • Not feeling you can trust the people who serve in your community's police department.
  • Wondering if you will get a welfare benefit you rely upon in a timely way because your local county office is understaffed.
  • Having your father serving in the military overseas and not knowing when (or if) he will return home safely.
  • Living in a culture where the predominant media distracts the populace from pressing issues rather than contributes to a healthy discourse about those issues.
  • Having no viable work options in your community that pay you a living wage.
  • Being victimized by the policies put in place due to the undue power of special interest groups (the many members of said groups apparently think their own rights are more important than yours).
  • Having no promising options to repay your student loans.
  • Being a student in a school system that pays insufficient attention to issues such as bullying, gang violence and drug abuse.
  • Having no real time to spend with those you love...because you are too busy working to make a living.
  • Living with a disability and having insufficient support to provide for your most basic needs on a daily basis.



These are just a few of the realities I think of when I think of poverty. Of the "looks" of poverty I noted above I can identify several that I have personally experienced.

I personally feel quite good today. I have had the leisure to actually sit and write out my thoughts here in my blog. I have been able to get some chores done and not feel rushed! I have eaten healthy food and not felt rushed as I prepared it. I have also enjoyed an atmosphere of calm and serenity. Many people living in violent neighborhoods both throughout America as well as abroad would feel quite fortunate to have a completely quiet day not punctuated by gunfire.






Thursday, October 29, 2015

All These Terrible Things...That Never Happened

Thursday, October 29, 2015


Over the years I have gradually come to a deeper and deeper appreciation of how little our mind's can actually know. We can take classes, obtain academic degrees, spend years of our lives in the pursuit of researching very specialized subjects and yet still fail to accurately anticipate what people we know will do tomorrow.

Early life conditioning seems to have a significant bearing on the patterns of thought that may fill our own minds. If we are subjected to chaos, violence or excessive stress over long periods of time we may eventually come to expect such circumstances to always be our reality. In a similar way an early history of being deeply hurt by other people might seemingly predispose us to expect to be hurt by people in the future. Expecting people to disappoint or hurt us on a regular basis is a horrible way to live. Unfortunately it's a type of thinking that plagued me for years. I attribute my own early life history as being a significant factor in the patterns of thought that became common in my mind later on.

And yet the mind's predictive power is finite! I was reminded of this last night when my greatest fears running through my mind were not realized. Nothing horrible happened to me. Indeed, the end of my day instead had an anti-climactic air about it. It was a bit surreal how easily I could get carried away with the ruminations and deepest fears contained within my own mind.

Some habits take a while to break.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

What Is A Dis-Abled Way of Experiencing The World?

Tuesday, October 27, 2015


Another full day is behind me now. I feel positively exhausted as I have been awake for nearly sixteen hours. Perhaps this isn't impressive to medical doctors and others who go without sleep for thirty-six to forty-hours on occasion. I am nonetheless pleased with how well I managed my day considering how stressful it was. Being asked to do so much with minimal resources can be such a challenge.

I spoke with my therapist tonight. I actually sat in my bathtub at home while I spoke with him on the phone. I wanted to chat in person but the hectic rescheduling of my day made necessary by a number of  challenging issues these past few weeks required me to be creative and accept a less than ideal way of 'meeting' with him. I've never "met" with a therapist while sitting in my bathtub at home.

I spoke about the major stressors in my life these last few weeks. The stressors I have experienced have been ponderous enough to cast me into a persistent feeling of needing medication to modulate how I manage my life each day. But I am determined to see what is happening as only a passing challenge. The bumpy road of my life has only been predominant for about two weeks now. This too shall pass.

I continue to experience amazement with my eyesight on a daily basis. I recently have decided to "drop anchor" and allow this newfound appreciation of what my eyes perceive of the world to become a central facet of the person I wish to be in the future. By that I mean I want to do something in my professional life that uses my eyes in a more intensive way. It seems my appreciation of the world around me is not going to wane any time soon. It thus seems to be a permanent part of who I now am.

As I have reflected on the gift of my eyesight I have found myself contemplating what a "dis-abled" way of viewing the world could be. I will write about that more in a future posting.

Monday, October 26, 2015

"When Are You Going To Get Over It?"

Monday, October 26, 2015


I had a nightmare last night. When compared against the nightmares during my sleep time I have had throughout my life the one I had last night was fairly bad. The dream imagery was interwoven with feelings of dread and fear. The fear I felt in the dream was due in large measure to the visual imagery that surrounded me.

When I awoke this morning I felt all too familiar feelings of sadness and anxiety. And I found myself wondering how I can be a man of forty-two years of age and still be plagued by disturbing dreams. The one I had last night I can easily associate with that summer of 1982. I have previously written about that time in my life here in my blog. It was a very difficult time. I felt a lot of fear then. I was afraid I was going to die. And I had good reason to feel that way. I won't put myself through pain again by once again recounting the details here.

I found myself asking a hard question this morning: "When am I going to decisively 'get over' my early life history?" What will it take for me to no longer sometimes feel haunted by what I endured? As I reflected on the long and painful shadow of my early life history I found myself recalling a small piece of written material in which the same general question is posed. I pulled it out this morning to read it over. The title of it is "The Ten Biggest Myths About Grief". You might expect to see such a piece of literature in a hospital chapel or hospice office. The following is directly quoted from this miniature guidebook on grief:


"The biggest myth about grief is that we 'get over' it. We don't. We absorb our loss and learn from it. We are changed forever after someone we love dies. As poet Paul Irion says, 'Life can be the same after a trinket has been lost, but never after the loss of a treasure.'

The harsh reality of loss brings acute grief, a pain that is all-consuming, overwhelming, and unpredictable. Grief does not follow an orderly path through stages, phases, and tasks, and come to an end that is clearly defined by 'acceptance,' 'closure,' and 'emotional detachment.'"


I believe the aforementioned myth is a convenient little myth that nonetheless can do a lot of damage when we structure our lives around its incorrect core assumption. It's a myth I personally believe is almost essential to cling to as a means of living in the hyper-connected and hyper-busy culture of American society. Or perhaps 'coping' is a better word choice than 'living'. How can you feel that you are truly living in a culture where we are taught to always be moving on to the next thing? Being 'busy' is one of the quintessential American addictions. But what is all the busyness for?

Twenty-eight months of rigorous self-inquiry, writing and dedication to my own personal wellness has taught me a few things. One thing I have learned is recounted elsewhere in this grief guidebook. All losses are not the same. Another powerful piece of wisdom can be found hidden inside another myth that contends that there is only one right way to grieve. There are as many ways to grieve as there are people on the planet. I personally found it helpful to reclaim what I could of the life I had never lived as a way of grieving the years from my earlier life that are now gone forever. We cannot turn back the clock but we can choose to live a better life in the future.

I am inclined to think that an article posted by PTSD recovery advocate Michele Rosenthal somehow ignited the dream I had last night. The topic of that article was shame. I think American culture all too often does something incredibly disempowering and shortsighted to those who are immersed in grief. It shames them. People get shamed for not 'getting over' their grief. Such is the harm that can be inflicted by a culture virtually obsessed with moving faster, being more productive and so on.

As I pondered my own particular life reality in the hours immediately after waking up this morning I asked myself a painful question: 'Do I personally feel ashamed by the fact that I am apparently still not 'over' some of what happened to me more than thirty years ago?' A harsh person lacking compassion might indeed think I am pathetic for not having finally healed from all the uncertainty, violence, corruption and harsh language I was subjected to as a kid. Indeed, shouldn't twenty-eight months of consistently going to therapy on a weekly basis have helped me reach that seemingly magical state of 'being healed'? Not necessarily.


I find myself becoming more and more gentle and patient as time passes. American culture would often conflate such qualities with weakness. But anyone who knows me well knows I am a strong individual. My appreciation of the beauty and fragility of human life has deepened these last two years. I am aware of how the smallest words and gestures can have long enduring impacts, both positive and negative, for those both on the giving and receiving end of such interactions.

I personally would like to reach a point in my own life where I no longer feel so vulnerable to the ravages of vivid nightmares. I would like to have more enduring friendships. I want to be happier. I want to do work that energizes me. And I want a special person to have as my husband. These are my big dreams for my future. Maybe these wishes will manifest in another six months. Maybe it will take another year. I don't know. I continue to do the work to move in the direction of a bigger, brighter, bolder and more enjoyable future. I hope one day I will finally awaken...and actually be in my much dreamed about reality.



Sunday, October 25, 2015

Giving 100% All The Time

Sunday, October 25, 2015


I had an important realization today. It's not healthy for me to be pushing myself hard all the time. When waking up this morning, on a Sunday, I began to review what I hoped to accomplish today. As I began to think through all the tasks of my day and all that was required to accomplish them I began feeling increasingly overwhelmed. In an attempt to encourage myself I said the following to myself: "Just go as fast as you can." I then paused and realized there was a certain problem with my thinking. Going as fast as I can is basically the equivalent of driving a car at maximum speed. While this can be tolerable and feasible for some duration of time it's not realistic to expect we can push ourselves hard all the time. Fully using our capacities (giving 100%) all the time can be exhausting and ultimately lead to burnout.

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. I have two jobs now. It's not my preference to be so busy with working to earn money. I want to enjoy my life and not fall into the American trap of living to work (as opposed to working to live). In addition to my work commitments I also attempt to regularly write in my blog, attend a leadership development program that requires me to commit some time on Tuesdays and Saturdays, exercise, meet with my therapist once a week, spend time with friends and make some plans for my future beyond next August 1st. That is a lot to juggle. It becomes even more taxing to juggle so many demands on my time when things go awry or are delayed. If you are living a life where you have basically no time margin for error and grant yourself little time to refresh yourself you are quite possibly on a path to burnout. I want to live a life that is rewarding and energizing. I have been burned out before. It's a very unpleasant experience.

So rather than give 100% all the time I realize it's important to downshift and leave some energy in my own personal "tank". An imbalanced life can often (though not necessarily inevitably) lead to significant problems later on. As autumn deepens and the silence and solitude of winter approaches I realize now is an ideal time to prune my life of commitments and clutter that no longer serve me. And yet it can be difficult to let go.

Those influences which prove prominent in our early development can prove quite challenging to consciously recognize as well as observe dispassionately. If we are not consciously aware of these influences we might awaken one day (perhaps belatedly) to discover our lives do not feel much like our own. We may feel our lives are actually being driven by something we don't even understand. One of the influences I recognize played a powerful role in my own development was religion. I grew up in a family that is good at being of service to others. But taken to an extreme a person dedicated to service to others can become a martyr. And in becoming a martyr we can lose our very selves. It's thus healthy to step back on occasion and reassess the quality of our lives.

I feel as if I was virtually captivated by the martyr archetype earlier in my own life. I was so dedicated to being of service to others that I failed to recognize the very real risk of losing my own self in the process. And while it can be very healthy (even downright therapeutic) to get involved in the lives of others (both to be of help as well as being a source of distraction from our own concerns) there is indeed a fine line where service turns into self-destructive martyrdom.

There are times when I still feel immense grief. There are moments when the grief weighs upon me so heavily that I could be easily convinced I am living through 2013 all over again. These days the grief that arises in me is often connected to periods of my life very different from those I explored when I first began seeing my therapist in June, 2013. As I noted in a recent posting I have a deep desire to recapture my sense of my own youth. My own youthfulness hasn't been lost. But I don't feel I appreciated my power, beauty, energy and youthfulness as much as I could have when I was biologically younger. When I ponder the life I lived in my twenties I marvel at how much I gave to others and how little I gave to myself. I was laying the foundation for the burnout I would experience
years later. I was also living in what I now recognize was an imbalanced way. I was living a very serious life.

Restoring your own personal health and vitality after a sojourn in the landscape of burnout can be deeply personal and deeply challenging. And the process can require much patience and self-inquiry as well as the aid of others.

While working today I unexpectedly took note of the fact that it was exactly twenty-eight months ago that the seed was planted from which would bloom my odyssey of writing. Twenty-eight months ago, on June 25, 2013, I received a health diagnosis that would ultimately cast me on a new course. It took a while for my vision to sufficiently clarify such that I could start to see where I was going. I can honestly say that I can now see more clearly than I ever have before.

Life is wondrous.

Allow yourself to change. Allow the people around you to change. Allow the wisdom of change to inhabit your life.





Thursday, October 22, 2015

Recapturing My Youth


Thursday, October 22, 2015


So this evening I went to assist with the triennial survey of homelessness here in the state of Minnesota. I went to a location near downtown Minneapolis to assist in administering a survey to homeless people staying in a shelter environment. It’s a sobering experience to meet homeless people. You very well could become a homeless person. You quite possibly know at least one person in your vast network of friends whose housing situation is currently quite precarious.  You just might not be aware that this is true. Many people barely making it financially are not that far way from becoming homeless. All it takes is one catastrophic event to push many people down the “economic ladder” into destitution.

Many years have passed since the economic implosion of 2008. Regardless of what word choice is made to describe that time (Great Recession, etc) many, many people were harmed by that time. I wish I had been better prepared for that horrible time here in the United States. Had I been better prepared I might not have suffered some of the hardships I have experienced these last several years. Learning how to plan and manage the affairs of your life is a vital and mature task to commit to. It is sad that there are many people who lack the essential skills to manage their lives as adults. Others find themselves still making up for underdeveloped skills later in their lives. I definitely fit into the latter category.

As I left the site where I assisted with the survey I found myself aware of my great yearning to recapture my supposedly lost youth. Is it really lost? I don’t know. I have written about this idea of lost youth and lost time elsewhere in my blog. Some would argue it is possible for an individual to recapture earlier times in his life when that earlier phase of life unfolds in such a way that leaves him feeling seriously unfulfilled, alienated, disenchanted or all of the above. I do believe such revisiting of an under-enjoyed past is possible. The trick to successfully recapturing lost years seems to require the application of an adult attitude marked by patience, thoughtfulness and discernment.

My twenty-eight month journey with my current therapist has proven vital to my successful plunge into addressing and healing the deepest wounds of the earliest years of my life history. And yet it’s amazing how unsteady I can still sometimes feel even after doing so much work with the guidance of a therapist. It doesn’t help that I live in a nation marked by such dysfunction and backwardness. A mentality approximating that of a spoiled five-year old child seems to characterize much of the interactions in our government these days. One can see examples of this at the local, state and federal levels of government. It can be easy to want to recapture “lost youth” when it appears as if few other people who are of biological adult maturity nonetheless act petulant, selfish and downright mean. Why be a mature adult when it isn’t the “in thing” to do these days? Why indeed.

Despite the abundance of regressive and petty behavior one can read about in the daily life of the American nation I nonetheless feel fairly pleased with the state of my own life these days. I have been working full time for nearly three months now. I actually like my primary job! This is not a small thing. Many Americans hate their jobs…if they have one at all.

So what to do about the blog? Yes, I am still writing. And yes my life has evolved tremendously since June, 2013. It actually seems strangely surreal that the memories I have of that time in my life are actually of real experiences from my own life history. It no longer seems actually possible that I was as sick, disheartened and angry as I was that summer of 2013.

I am currently cultivating contacts to lead me in a new career direction in 2016. But actually the direction isn’t really that new. Instead I want to bring my life full circle and get back into the world of work involving marine policy, exploration and research. I feel that great things are going to open up to me in the coming years. And cultivating a healthy belief that such a wondrous life is indeed possible is a first and vital step to realizing such a dream!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

To Overcome Adversity

Tuesday, October 20, 2015


Adversity can be the ground from which springs the soothing power of compassion. So goes the stream of thought contained in a New York Times article I recently read. I tend to agree with this central thesis of the aforementioned article. More than once I have wondered who I might have become had I not endured the hardship, loss and trauma I experienced in the earliest years of my own life.

I find myself feeling a bit stuck lately in regards to writing my blog. I sometimes feel it is primarily a result of the fact that I now have a "responsible" job that consumes much of my time and energy. As I noted in a very recent posting the pace of my life has changed tremendously. These last ninety days have featured an enormous amount of positive change in my personal life. Now that I find myself so busy with the task of assisting in uplifting the lives of local homeless young people I find I have much less time and energy for other activities. Maintaining my blog still interests me. But it seems somewhat unrealistic for me to place an expectation on myself that I write each and every day.

So what is different about me as compared to twenty-eight months ago? Here is one big difference:

I am very, very aware of the time sensitive nature of opportunities.

I tend to believe such an awareness is at least partly an inevitable result of maturity. As we grow older and accumulate more life experience we naturally experience the truth that not all opportunities that come around once will come around again. It seems such awareness will thus lead us to become more grateful for what we do have and more willing to jump at amazing opportunities when they do happen to come around.

I will share another aspect of how I have changed in my next posting.



Saturday, October 17, 2015

From Stagnation To Supersonic Speed

Saturday, October 17, 2015


My life has become so fast paced (compared to this past summer) that I sometimes marvel that I am able to keep up with all the change in my life. There are some days when I feel quite overwhelmed by the demands on my time. I felt quite exhausted for much of August. All the changes that took place in a very short period of time left me feeling grateful to meet my bed each night during the last weeks of summer.

I am about to leave to go do my second job. Tomorrow will thankfully be a day when I don't have to go out and do anything characteristic of the world we ideally inhabit as responsible adults. I'll have some time for play and pleasure.

I do intend to keep writing and am actively visualizing what my new life can look like now that the unhealed trauma of my early life has finally, finally, been resoundingly addressed. Twenty-eight months have passed since that eventful month of June, 2013. I am grateful those days are long since gone. The pain I felt at that time was extraordinary.

Have a great Saturday! And find something beautiful about the day to enjoy!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

A Mountaintop View

Thursday, October 15, 2015


Today was the type of day I wish I could bottle up and somehow magically repeat on numerous other days that I work. I felt quite exhilarated by the opportunity to introduce good people to one another in my workplace. Being a "connector" is one of my favorite activities.

The theme of dreaming big was at play throughout my day. I currently work in what I call a youth serving organization. The youth my organization serves not infrequently come from some very difficult circumstances. I have empathy for the circumstances many of these youth have come from because I had significant obstacles in my own childhood I had to overcome. Life can be very mean and alienating at times. And yet, somehow, if we want to realize an amazing quality life we have to not only allow ourselves to dream big but actually engage in such imaginative exercise on a frequent basis. Our lives ultimately become the "outpicturing" of what we consistently imagine and believe to be real and true.

Does what I claim sound like some ridiculous New Age "happy talk" you would expect to hear from a self-identified fortune teller or magician? I can understand if my words meet many skeptical ears. I was once skeptical myself. But then I learned about the powerful technique of creative visualization. I later tested out practicing such a technique after reading books written on the subject. After I enjoyed a single instance of irrefutable success in creating something I consistently took time to imagine actually experiencing I knew that creative visualization was indeed a legitimate art.

If you want a big life it's essential that you dream big. You also have to make big requests. And, eventually and finally, you must learn to welcome in the big life you dream of once it indeed comes to fruition.


Monday, October 12, 2015

The Avid Explorer

Monday, October 12, 2015


I want to do some amount of exploring as part of my future professional life. What exact job I will hold where I can do some exploring as a regular part of my work remains unclear to me at this time. I thrive on opportunities for adventure. Work that features an excessive amount of mind numbing repetition has a way of quenching the fire in my soul. I need something much greater than that. And I am capable of something much greater.

I finally feel relatively whole, strong and focused. It was quite a process getting here. I never would have imagined that the transit of Pluto in square to my natal Moon would bring about such a veritable 'festival' of (still) unhealed trauma and associated memories to wade through. Plutonian transits can be notoriously long so it's best to buckle up and prepare yourself when a harsh transit comes along. It's a suitable moment to use astrological language considering that the Moon has just begun a whole new cycle. It was exactly new only a few minutes ago.

I was given this question at the last cohort day for my current service work. The question read something like this: "What age would you like to be able to be again...or always?" And I picked the age when I was completing my graduate degree under the instruction of Pamela Colorado. I remember it as such a vivid, exciting and stimulating time in my life. I want that type of life again.




Sunday, October 11, 2015

Paths Never Taken

Sunday, October 11, 2015


Periods of time marked by a Mercury retrograde phase have a way of introducing us to elements of our earlier life histories that we may have (erroneously) concluded we had long since put behind us. I was reminded of this tonight when I went out to a local bar that I have previously frequented in the time I have lived in the Twin Cities.

I have lived in Minnesota for three years now. The evolution of my life has been decidedly non-linear throughout these last three years. When I arrived in October three years ago I never would have imagined the quality of my life was still being so significantly undermined by the legacy of the trauma I had experienced some thirty years prior to that time. I thought I had successfully worked through the pain and trauma I had endured as a kid. The year 2013 came along and instructed me otherwise. Over two years have passed since that eventful warm season of 2013. I feel like a new person now. I still feel grief that the life-transforming change of EMDR therapy did not find its way into my life earlier. But I am grateful it found me...at all.

While spending time with some friends tonight I found myself reminded of my life of years ago. I saw the man I briefly dated when I first moved to the Twin Cities three years ago. He still has a certain aura of unhealed trauma about him. This is not surprising considering the fact that he is a veteran of the Iraq war. I saw other familiar faces as well. Many people I might expect to see were not in attendance; I assume many of them were away at the Iowa Leather weekend in Des Moines.

My awareness of the life paths I could have taken (but chose not to) was only further reinforced by my online encounter of a man whom I first corresponded with three years ago when I still lived in the Washington DC area. As sometimes has happened before I found myself feeling my mind full of unrealized future life scenarios that never came to be. What if I had stayed in the Washington, DC area and remained steadfast in my determination to forge a career in the federal government? What if I had not immediately left Monterey, California over four years ago in search of something bigger and better in the Pacific Northwest? What if I had chosen differently on a number of occasions?

Even after taking a journey marked by such extensive therapy it can still be a bit too easy for me to fall into the pattern of reflecting on all the possibilities that might have opened to me if I had only...fill in the blank. If only I had been more patient. If only the trauma of my life history had not still been undermining the quality of my life as recently as three years ago. If only I had met certain people at slightly different times in my own life timeline. Perhaps the whole timeline of my personal evolution would have turned out differently. Perhaps I would be a much better person today. Perhaps I would be healthier, wealthier and more settled. But then again perhaps everything unfolded in the best possible manner for my highest good. Maybe that is actually the "correct" perspective to maintain about the evolution of my life.

I do know that time feels more precious to me than ever before. I am aware that we don't always get second chances. In fact it seems to me that second chances might actually be quite rare.

Use your time and energy wisely. Make time for those who make time for you.


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Le Sigh

Tuesday, October 6, 2015


I arrived in Minnesota about three years ago today. I actually tried to find the exact date I arrived so I could reference it when I met with my therapist this evening. That doesn't much matter. What is significant is that certain milestone moments are coming and going. And they are passing without incident.

I went away for a brief overnight trip with my good friend Keith this past Sunday. We traveled to the arrowhead of Minnesota. We drove through Duluth and then paralleled the North Shore of Lake Superior until we reached Grand Marais. Upon reaching Grand Marais (which was smaller in population than I had anticipated) we traveled north away from the Lake until we reached the bed and breakfast we spent Sunday night at. It was a lovely trip and exactly what I needed.

Yesterday morning, while going for a walk in the woods adjacent to our accommodation, I found myself appreciating the sound...of silence. It was nice to be almost under-stimulated by sound. I find the visual world to be an amazing source of stimulation over two years after I first tried out EMDR therapy. I reported to my therapist tonight that my fascination with what I can perceive with my eyes remains as strong as ever. Indeed, my fascination might even be growing. There are some days when it feels a bit surreal to be me. I never thought my own personal Pandora's Box would contain so many wonders when it opened in the summer of 2013.

Today was a bit jarring. It was my first day of my new workweek. I ate fast food for lunch because I wasn't in the mood to think about taking my own lunch to work when I arrived home last night. The music streaming from the speakers overhead was grating to my nerves. All the music seemed to have been created at least ten years ago. There is so much about mainland life here in the United States that I find boring or depressing. I see such suffering around me in the faces of so many people. It does indeed sometimes seem to me that we are becoming a third world nation.

I am making efforts each day to improve my own life. I am beginning to more actively reach out in search of my next job opportunity once my current role ends next August.



Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Three Percent

Wednesday, September 30, 2015


Today was one of those days when I gave everything I did my all. When I began recharging my laptop at home the battery had 3% of its capacity. The depleted battery is a good metaphor for this day; I feel quite exhausted as I recount the day near its end. My last commitment was my appointment with my therapist.

I feel excited about the direction my life is moving. September is ending. Autumn is upon us. I'm becoming increasingly engaged in the organization I now work for. There have been many positive developments that took place in the single month of September alone.

The most interesting aspect of my session this evening was describing how I experience a state of wonder more typical of a boy. It's a brave new world each and every day.




Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Lost Wonder...Regained

Tuesday, September 29, 2015


"People who had extremely difficult childhoods, or had their adolescence cut short in some way, find that they can recapture their lost years. There are many ways one can 'lose' one's childhood or adolescence. An abused child is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence. There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all."

~ Saturn in Transit by Erin Sullivan


The above quote is taken from a section in Erin Sullivan's book that describes something not uncommon among those who reach the age range of 45 to 52. You may have guessed that the book I reference explores the topic of astrology. It indeed does. Some people are skeptical of the validity of astrology. That is all fine and good. I was skeptical myself. But being truly open-minded (and maybe also open-hearted?) means being willing to entertain ideas you might initially be resistant to. In the fourteen years since I first studied astrology as a hobby of "serious" inquiry I have come to believe there is something very real to this particular field of inquiry.

I shared this particular quote from Sullivan's book because it comes into my own thoughts so often. Throughout the last twenty-seven months of my life I have made a journey of psychic exploration. My exploration has been defined by my resolute determination to explore the core of who I am. I have enjoyed the assistance of many helpers throughout my journey. My therapist has proven to be an especially helpful guide. Trauma invaded the fertile ground of my psyche at a very young age. It was only in the last two years, as I have unfurled the coil of its imprint inside me, that I came to a much fuller appreciation of how deeply I was indeed impacted by what I experienced. EMDR therapy proved to be the primary therapeutic tool whose use allowed me to traverse the contours of my own inner life...and eventually lead me to a profound realization: I perceived the world around me in a distorted way from a very young age.

There is nothing about my daily experience of utilizing my eyesight that feels identical to how I perceived the world with my eyes prior to June, 2013. The change I underwent was that profound. I experienced the equivalent of walking through a doorway I could and would never be able to walk back through in the opposite direction. I experienced a permanent change. I walked through a door of irreversibility.

I recently began driving again for the first time in over four years. My lack of recent driving history is not due to a lack of being willing to drive. Though I don't exactly fit into the typical American culture that places immense emphasis on the personal freedom and glory of owning a car I nonetheless do appreciate the way car ownership opens up a much larger world. I have noticed that my experience of driving is also now very different. I see the world with what seems to be a new pair of eyes from behind the windshield of my car.

I am experiencing an atypical phenomenon. It is lost wonder...regained. I am a man well into my adulthood who is now experiencing wonder on a daily basis. Such wonder, made possible by my new relationship with my eyesight, feels more typical of a six year old boy. I am experiencing the wonder a boy is expected to display in response to the world around him but I am experiencing it a few decades "late".

As I drove home from dinner at the home of a friend my whole experience of driving felt both familiar and alien. I can remember when I drove as a younger man. The night has a different quality now. I perceive the night (and the day) differently now. I see the lights of cars passing me traveling in the opposite direction in a way I can never recall experiencing before. In the first hours of darkness after dusk has passed away I witness the interplay of streetlights and shadow on the still foliated trees in such a manner that I often feel amazed by. I cannot recall experiencing such awe earlier in my life!

I seem to be a man dislocated in both space and time. The trajectory of my development is something atypical. I am not your "average" (what does that even mean?) man. I have become someone else.

When wonder casts its power into our lives in such an unexpected time and place we may very well become permanently changed people.

......

I saw the moon rising as I drove home tonight. It was full very recently and still appears virtually full early this evening. When I first noticed the moon I felt the air catch in my throat. I felt the moon issuing me an invitation: 'Through my light take a moment to appreciate the contrast of the darkness that surrounds me.'

The world is incredibly filled with light. Did you notice it today?



Monday, September 28, 2015

Moving Up And Moving On

Monday, September 28, 2015


Today was a long but productive day. I feel myself rapidly moving on to the next phase of my life.

Among other things I had a good conversation regarding my professional future. And, on a related note, my enthusiasm is back. I feel enthusiastic about my future prospects and excited that my energy is so much better than it was.

The generosity of other people has been crucial in helping me to reach this point.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Revelations At The Library

Sunday, September 27, 2015


Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back — concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.


Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

~ Goethe




Roseville, Minnesota, the community of my current residence, does not strike me as an overly exciting place. I heard the familiar drone of Friday night high school football when I arrived home the other evening. In some way hearing such sounds remind me I am very much living within the borders of the United States. Friday night football is a very American tradition.

The quietude I associate with Roseville stands in stark contrast to what I have experienced at the Ramsey County public library on this Sunday afternoon. It has been an eventful day! I finally was able to articulate, in fairly clear prose, what I would like to do in my future professional life once my current commitment ends approximately August 1, 2016. I want to relocate to Hawaii and synthesize my passions for the beauty of the world and human development with my skills in research, community engagement, education and writing.

For the longest time I felt creatively...hindered. Artists would perhaps call it something like writing block. I simply could not clearly visualize what I wanted to do next. And I still do not have "absolute" clarity now. I don't know what sorts of doors of opportunity may open up to me now that I have a clearer vision of which professional doors I want to go knocking on. But at least I am much closer to manifesting the reality I want to create now that I can more clearly declare what I want. A waiter cannot take your order until you know what you want. And the Universe cannot deliver unto you that which you desire until you can clearly articulate your desire. To manifest something grand a special alchemy of visualization and action must combine together.

As an act of good faith that I will find my way to where I want to be I am sharing some of the fruits of my imaginative labors. What appears below is taken directly from a document I have been writing for the last two years. The document has served as my "site" to reflect and imagine what I would like to do in my professional life in the future. Here it is:


PROFESSIONAL PURPOSE STATEMENT:

My professional purpose is to inspire appreciation, exploration and conservation of the natural environment and thereby facilitate the enjoyment and sustainable management of the natural world as well as its diverse human cultures.

What job responsibilities could my ideal position specifically include?
  • I work to inspire young people of diverse backgrounds to take an active interest in the marine environment.
  •  I assist organizations to get youth out into the marine environment where they can explore and learn more about the world around them.
  •  I help educate people about the phenomenon of marine protected areas and their value as a conservation tool.
  • I arrange special programming (field trips, research experiences, tours of the facilities of partner organizations committed to similar missions) for youth. I also occasionally assist as a guide and instructor as needed.
  • I introduce individuals and organizations to sites of cultural, historical and environmental significance for the purpose of educating and inspiring appreciation and conservation of such sites.



If you want to create something amazing find a good way to "shout it out" to the world at large. Announce yourself and your purpose to your friends and family. In doing so that which you need to realize your vision may begin to flow to you.