Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Freezing Time

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I recently began the process of seriously thinking about what I want to do once my current professional role supposedly expires next August. I say "supposedly" because I have been thinking about the pros and cons of exploring the possibility of remaining in my role for an additional year. I enjoy the work I do now. And I would like to stay in my position long enough to see my efforts begin to come to significant fruition. And seeing such fruition occur seems to require that I remain in my role for more than one year.

As I contemplate the possibilities of my future I often feel a bit confused and even bewildered. I don't recognize the person I have become. And this is actually a good thing. I am far more forthright, confident and self-directed than was once typical of my general way of operating in the world. The person I have become feels much more consonant with the person I truly am. I have found my way back to my true self. I am expressing who I truly am.

There are still moments that arise in which I feel my grief weigh upon me with a heaviness that feels positively suffocating. But thankfully I am able to cope in those moments by applying a variety of skills I have learned to deeply care for my own health. When caught up in a wave of my deep grief I often find myself feeling a deep yearning to recapture the time I have lost. And when I realize I cannot travel back in time and really change the past I instead will sometimes have these thoughts of attempting to slow down the passage of time now. I find that I want to freeze time somehow. These thoughts arise in my own mind when I imagine different ways I can proceed with my future. If I were to stay in Minnesota a year longer than I was already planning to do then I feel an urgency to use that additional year so well that I would effectively not age.

Yes, there are many times I want to freeze time.

But time waits for no person. Somehow we must all come to terms with what we once enjoyed but can never again have.

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