Sunday, November 8, 2015

A Strange Sense of Humor

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Despite feeling quite busy now I somehow find myself able and willing to make time on a Sunday to write down some of my thoughts here.

Lately I have been reflecting a bit on the development of my sense of humor. As the deep work I did with my therapist these past two years recedes more and more into the past I find myself aware of something emerging. I find myself more and more aware of how much I enjoy inspiring people to laugh. And I am simultaneously aware that I didn't feel it wise to make myself exceedingly visible when I was a kid by inspiring people to laugh. At that time in my life I had a (largely unconscious) fear that drawing such attention to myself might ultimately result in an unwanted form of attention being given to me. I think it not unusual for kids who experience abuse and neglect to shrink away from opportunities to be more visible in both their families and communities. Hiding away can be a protective adaptation to minimize being hurt even more.

I find myself wanting to have some sort of outlet where I can have fun, laugh with others and inspire still other people to laugh. I feel it would be very healthy for me to give myself some time to fantasize about suitable venues to do such exploration. It would seem my greatest challenge now would not be to find actual venues where I could enjoy such an outlet but rather finding the time to actually do so. Even three months into my new job I still feel myself adapting to how busy I have become.

I sometimes think I have a very strange sense of humor. I suspect this is not unusual for people who have experienced significant trauma in their life histories. When life appears exceedingly dark and grim a dark sense of humor can ironically cast light into that darkness and make life feel much more manageable.

I feel much better psychically speaking than I have in a very, very long time. I only wish the health issue I have had with my feet these last twelve months would decisively and permanently clear up. The persistence of the tenderness and sensitivity of my feet leaves me feeling a bit confused as to what goals I can realistically set for my future. I will be getting an opinion from another podiatrist on November 16th. I hope my appointment will provide me some genuine insight in how to proceed. It has been very demoralizing to deal with yet another health challenge these last twelve months. And it has also reinforced my conviction that I need to find a genuine outlet for humor and light-hearted fun.

I took some time today to revisit the treatment plan I first created in collaboration with my therapist in July, 2013. I was gratified to note that a number of the goals I had set for myself are no longer relevant; I achieved these goals and can therefore cross them off my list.

I find myself feeling happiness and contentment these days. By no means do I feel such soft, warm feelings every day. But the sadness and grief that once weighed so heavily on me no longer feels so oppressive. I do still feel some measure of sadness many days. And perhaps some of my sadness will never completely dissipate. A realistic goal is to find a way to accept this very possibility and allow myself to feel the full range of feelings a person may experience throughout a lifetime.

I am happy to have reached the stage of personal development I have achieved thus far.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!