Saturday, May 31, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 31, 2013

Saturday, May 31, 2014


Written one year ago today...


Day 19 - My Finale

What a whirlwind adventure this trip has been. At different moments this trip has been exciting, overwhelming, exhausting, exhilarating, painful, funny, wonderful, strange, peculiar, inspiring, fruitful, apparently pointless and many other things I cannot now easily name.

I just came back from visiting with my uncle Heiner and his family. It was nice to eat two breakfasts in a single day...I have been "guilty" of doing that before.

This trip was both enlightening and painful because I realize that certain ways I have seen the world and thought of my relationship with my blood family were completely wrong. I feel like I am personally experiencing something akin to what Europe experienced when it emerged from the Dark Ages into a brighter and more promising time. I am so grateful to now emerge from my own personal darkness brought on in part by this faulty way of seeing the world at large.

I have been experiencing a lot of physical pain while on this trip as well. Some of it I attribute to the demands I have placed upon my body to schlep around the Continent in a mere nineteen days. I cannot ever remember hearing so much commentary from my knees...some of which has been the consistent message to slow down and be mindful that my body is indeed not indestructible. Indeed it is not!

Yet some of the pain I am sure also is a result of the intensive learning I have been doing...both for my project as well as on a personal level. Psychological pain and physical pain, though different, can certainly interact with one another...cleaving the human person into compartments...such as the emotional body, physical body, mental body, etc, while useful, has its limitations. I believe in seeing myself and the world at large in a holistic way.

I can't be thankful enough that my mentor Apela Colorado came into my life some 10 years ago now. She taught me how to honor my ancestors in a deep, meaningful way that forever reverberated across the future of my life. I have utilized methods I learned from her in this journey I have been making these last many days. I cannot imagine there is not anything I could have done, beyond what I already have done, to honor my ancestors more deeply than I have. I pray that my meditation, offerings and visitations will help me achieve the best life possible that I am capable of creating for myself. The old has passed away...and now there is room for the new to emerge.

I have also come to realize how much I enjoy being a part of the transmission of knowledge. By that I mean it gives me great pleasure to help educate people and bring them joy and happiness through education. I have been acutely aware of this pleasure each and every time I have shared my knowledge of the book Zero Limits with friends, family and complete strangers. It is GREAT FUN to plant seeds and have no clue what might come to be from your efforts. It's obvious I need to be working in education in some sort of capacity.

Thank you again to all my friends and family who love and support me.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Balancing The Scales

Friday, May 30, 2014


A friend of mine encouraged me to post the contents of a scholarship application essay here on my blog.  Because the essay references my early life history of trauma I figured it would have a place here. Here is the essay...all 599 words of it.  I will be submitting this essay as part of an application for a scholarship from the University of Minnesota Disability Services office.




MOTIVATION STATEMENT

My early life history featured much trauma.  My biological mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was a very young boy.  My parents eventually divorced.  My mother returned to Germany, the country of her native citizenship.  Though I have visited my mother on several occasions in the intervening years she never could be a stable, supportive presence in my life.  I was later affected by domestic violence, abuse and police misconduct during and immediately after my father’s second marriage.  His marriage ended when my stepmother attempted to have my father murdered.  This early personal history caused me to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) before the age of ten. 

Despite treatment earlier in my life history I did not ultimately experience comprehensive healing.  This less than optimal outcome was due in part to the manner in which my health condition was described to me.  I essentially thought I had done what was necessary to heal.  Time, my commitment to a life defined by exploration and the adventures I experienced while a member of the Jesuit religious order led me to eventually learn otherwise.  Last summer, shortly after my return from a trip to Germany, I was given a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It became clear that more healing was both possible and desirable. 

I prefer to view PTSD as something that may impair my ability to live as fully and productively as I would ultimately desire to rather than necessarily being a permanent and debilitating disability.  My professional history as noted in my resume proves it is possible to be a productive member of society while living with PTSD.  Given that my trauma is primarily attributable to my experience of dysfunctional relationships one of my primary challenges is learning how to develop and maintain healthy relationships.

Despite the obstacles of my childhood I can cite many impressive achievements.  I hold two graduate degrees, have traveled to locations as diverse as Norway and Hawaii and have worked with peoples of varied socioeconomic, cultural and professional backgrounds in many contexts.  Personal values I attempt to bring to my daily life include integrity, honesty, diligence, passion, generosity, humor and kindness.  I have come to believe one of the most important measures of a good life are the relationships we develop with other people as well as the Cosmos at large.

The unexpected developments of last year left me very aware of my mortality and thus prompted me to reassess my life.  Life is a perishable gift with an eventual end.  I have decided I want my future career to be defined by two primary activities.  I wish to empower people to enjoy, conserve and sustainably manage the natural, cultural and human resources of their communities.  Secondly, I wish to cultivate relationships and share knowledge between communities on local, state and international levels to enhance the capacities of communities to responsibly steward their resources and provide a meaningful future for forthcoming generations.  In other words I want to do something grand!

My own experience of losing people dear to me as well as the gift of education and mentorship I have enjoyed serve as my primary motivations to pursue my goals.  I believe there is much potential within individual people as well as communities.  Though ever increasing knowledge and technology have improved the quality of life for billions of people these transformations would not have occurred without essential human gifts of ingenuity, collaboration, generosity and creativity.  I believe the greatest challenge of the twenty-first century is creating a truly sustainable globalized society.  This will require both the human mind and heart.

Lingering Resentment

Friday, May 30, 2014


There are some mornings when I wake up and wonder if the life I am living now is truly real.  Life these last few months has felt like the equivalent of waking up out of a most horrible and lengthy dream.  As I have noted in recent posts my predominant affect shifted from anger to grief and sadness many months ago.  I don't exactly feel stuck in grief and sadness but it does seem I will be in this 'phase' for some time to come.

This morning, while on my way to work, I recalled another unpleasant memory from my childhood that I would rather not dwell in.  In fact, the memory came into my conscious awareness without any real effort.  I remembered how my first stepmother once deliberately tried to kill a dog belonging to one of our neighbors.  She hit it with a car.  I can still remember being in the home of our neighbor and seeing an x-ray the veterinarian took of the dog after it was hurt.

When I think back to that time now I find myself wondering 'Was that really real?  Did that actually happen?'  Sometimes my early life history simply doesn't seem possible.  It doesn't seem possible that so much trauma and harm could have unfolded and yet so little was done to address what were clearly repeated indications that I was living in an unduly stressful environment.  It is no wonder I have harbored so much resentment and disgust towards my paternal family of origin.  Their complacency has been unethical and dangerous.

......

Here in the present moment I am doing fairly well.  I am adjusting to the prospect of working full time again beginning next week.  Winter is long gone and Spring seems to have come and gone quite quickly; the weather is more typical of Summer now.

My therapist wrote up a summary report of my progress to submit as part of the documentation needed to review my application for vocational rehabilitation services.  A decision on my application must be made no later than approximately July 12th.


Looking Back One Year Ago: May 30, 2013

Friday, May 30, 2014


Written one year ago today...


Day 18 - Finally...The End of the Working Part...for NOW...

I had three consultations today...two of which panned out. Most exciting was seeing the Bundestag building and Brandenburger Tor. I will go back tomorrow to take some pictures...when I am not shopping for leather.

What a whirlwind journey this has been. I have learned so much...and some of what I have learned has razed to the ground previous patterns of thought I now see were not based in any sort of true reality. I had a touch of illusion in my mind. Amazing what that can do to a person's perception of the world "out there"...

I am exhausted at the moment. Soon I hope to go out to the bar Woof.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Gun Violence and The Infinite Loop of What If

Thursday, May 29, 2014


So I find myself sitting here in a two day job.  The job duties are a veritable cakewalk because I am sitting at a reception desk and basically only have to answer phones and direct people.  I'm allowed to surf online and read...so I did so.

I found an article about legislation being proposed in California to address the persistent issue of gun violence.  I have written about it here before and I will write about it a bit again.  But I am not going to share the details of the most recent incident.  Consider it my form of protest to no longer follow this issue as closely.  Indeed, if we as a nation are not going to take substantive action to do anything real about the issue of preventable murder then why is the issue covered in the media at all?  If we can't collectively address this issue as the horrific public health and cultural issue of this nation it is (can any reasonable, clear thinking person believe otherwise?) then why not just stop talking about it completely?  From now on let's put all obituaries in which the deceased died as a result of unjustified or unintended gun use in a special place called a 'memory hole' (like in the book 1984) and just pretend they never happened.

Instances of completely preventable deaths due to unjustified or unintended gun use include incidents in which small children find their parents' guns in the home and accidentally kill themselves, their siblings, their friends or even unrelated persons.  Such instances would also include those especially tragic incidents in which someone aims a gun at another person, believes the safety is engaged, fires and then unfortunately discovers he was wrong.  There are so many sad stories out there like this.  There are too many.  Any more than zero is too many.

According to the article the legislation "would allow people to notify courts or law enforcement officials if they are concerned that a family member or friend is at risk of committing violence."  As I read the article I found myself asking the famous question of 'What If'.  What if such legislation had existed in Texas in 1982 when my father was nearly murdered when a teenage boy shot him with a gun?  If this legislation had been in place perhaps someone might have reported my stepmother and her last act of attempted murder would have been prevented.  Obviously there are a lot of issues to consider with such a piece of legislation.  Here are some important points to consider:


  • An unstable person might simply gain access to a weapon from a friend whose own judgment is poor.  How would you prevent transfer of weapons to unstable people from others who do have the ability to purchase a gun?
  • People who have a grudge (justified or otherwise) against someone (family member or friend) might be tempted to use such a piece of legislation as a means of harming that individual.  Making a claim that the person in question is unstable could undermine this person's reputation, prevent him from being able to exercise his right to protect himself via purchase and access to a gun and ultimately result in serious consequences to this person's personal and professional reputation.  The potential for abuse is not to be understated.  How would such abuse be prevented?
  • The case of stalking also poses some troubling questions.  If a person is being stalked how might the stressful experience of being stalked impact the victim's state of mind?  People can do very harmful things when not thinking clearly.  Fear can lead us to make choices we otherwise would not make.  When living in a state of fear of sufficient severity and duration a person might make the choice to purchase a gun without later learning how to responsibly use it.  While it's understandable that a person would want to protect himself what happens if paranoia leads that individual to use a gun inappropriately?  Here is an article that stands as an example of what can happen.  Though not an example of stalking the article is a good example of the policy problem known as 'unintended consequences'.  From what I can discern it appears the grandfather in question had no mental health problems; he was apparently not prone to violence.  And yet completely preventable harm can occur even when a person has good intentions.


I sense it is perfectly natural for people to get caught in what may seem to be an infinite loop of 'what if' or 'if only' thinking after a completely preventable tragedy occurs.  I suspect this is not unusual for those indirectly affected by gun violence.  Wondering about what could have been, should have been, might have been and the like is something I believe is not unusual.  But doing it for too long is ultimately not therapeutic.  Ruminating on the past indefinitely will not create a better future.  The pressing question is this: 'How can I honor the wounds of my early life, those due to my own poor choices as well as those resulting from events beyond my control, and yet move forward and create a rewarding life for myself?'
Put differently: 'What do I need to do to heal and live a good life?'

The anniversary (June 3rd) of my father's near murder is approaching.  Last year, upon my return from Germany on June 1st, I became seriously ill.  What followed led me to take up a new path.  And that path has led me here.  Almost a year later I am a much better man.  I am a much healthier man.  I am gradually adapting to a much healthier way of living defined by much healthier habits.

Old wounds from childhood can take a long time to heal.  My life is but one example that this can be true.  I am grateful to be where I am today.  I am also grateful that my future does indeed appear likely to be brighter than my past.  One can only hope...and embrace each day ready to try again...and again.

It's so nice that the world is full of green again.  Being a person without the burden of un-healed trauma is quite a new experience.







Looking Back One Year Ago: May 29, 2013

Thursday, May 29, 2014


Written one year ago today...


Day 17 - Meeting a nine year old cousin

I have completed my one and only consultation for today. Now I am about to embark on a brief hunt for a gift for a nine year old cousin I have never met. After today I will have reconnected with ALL of my living German relatives...with the exception of one cousin.

I cannot remember a more amazing, wonderful, inspiring, exhausting, demanding trip in my life! 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 28, 2013

Wednesday, May 28, 2014


Written one year ago today...


Day 16...Blitz in Berlin...

I arrived in Berlin today. I was welcomed with a thunderstorm that reminded me of growing up in Texas. I suppose that is only fitting considering that I find myself at a crossroads in life. Texas, California, Oregon, Washington, DC, Hawaii and Germany. I have traveled to and/or lived in all of these places. I am indeed at a crossroads in my life.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 27, 2013

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


Written one year ago today...


Day 15...Another Fulfilling Day...

Today I had three consultations...I am feeling quite happy now that it is 1930 and I am done for the day.

I've been having this experience where it feels like my eyes are overwhelmed by all the sensory stimulation I am getting lately. At different times throughout the day I feel super-stimulated, excited, exhausted, invigorated and mentally-stuffed. I think I need to defrag my brain.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 26, 2013

Monday, May 26, 2014


Written one year ago today...



Day 14...I Need A Shot of Motivation!

Today is my one and only down day before the last leg of my marathon trip begins. And on this slow "down" day I am "only" doing laundry, preparing for several interviews and also thinking through when I can go for a walk...between the rain showers that have been visiting throughout last night and today.

It's going to take me some time to decompress and synthesize all that has happened once I return to the USA.

......

I am in Chicago, Illinois today...May 26, 2014.  I came to Chicago on Friday for the annual International Mister Leather event.  I had an awesome time...and learned a lot more about myself.  I will share more once I return to regular writing on June 1st.





Sunday, May 25, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 25, 2013

Sunday, May 25, 2014



Day 13, Part I (and maybe the only part...as I want to chill today...though I have been doing that a lot lately!)

The following are pieces from a letter I sent to my mentor Apela Colorado that I feel relevant for other friends on Facebook to see. I love my country of birth.....the United States of America...very much...but lately I wonder where are nation is going. Nations that sell their souls to corporations who have no interest in the health and wealth of said nations seem to be nations destined to endure a dark night of the soul. I would prefer to live in a nation where our food security is not at risk of being compromised by a corporation like Monsanto. I suppose I am going on record publicly by stating this here...and perhaps Monsanto has their own version of police to harass people...but I will share nonetheless.



I am on my way to Stralsund, Germany as I write this. Stralsund is in the far northeast of Germany in the vicinity of the Baltic Coast. I have my next consultation visit with members of the Vilm field office of the German Federal Agency for Nature Conservation on Monday. I am scheduled to travel to Berlin on Tuesday…I will be there until Saturday, June 1st when I travel back to the United States.

...

As I intuitively suspected when I agreed to undertake this trip with the support of the American Council on Germany I have been experiencing a profound shift in my perspective. I have acknowledged to my ancestors that I am open to the idea of living and working in Germany should a suitable opportunity present itself. I have a feeling something huge is going to come soon…and my intuition is rarely wrong.

...

Two years ago in May, 2011 when visiting Maui I opened the Maui Times that Sunday morning and saw an article about the Nazi legacy in Germany. My intuition told me that to come to Hawaii again I must first come to Germany and confront the German shadow. I am doing that now…and I feel I will reap great rewards for my courage.

There is indeed a part of me that really does not want to return to America. I am growing very concerned about what I am learning about Monsanto, about the Obama administration’s apparent protection of this company (i.e. legislation passed by Congress that included a rider that protects Monsanto)…and about this class of pesticides that is believed to be responsible for the worldwide collapse of the bee population. I shared a link on my Facebook page regarding this issue. I have also done a bit of background reading on Monsanto in Hawaii. I wonder if there is more to the story that the public does not know.

Apparently Vladimir Putin was so incensed by the United States’ conduct regarding Monsanto that he initially refused to meet with Secretary of State John Kerry. Can you imagine our global food supply being undermined by our inadvertent destruction of the planet’s bee population? It’s very surreal. Rachel Carson published Silent Spring some fifty years ago…yet we humans do not seem to be learning much of anything from our mistakes. I hope we will evolve…species that make poor choices often lose out in natural selection!

...

There is so much more I could write about insights I have had about my family. I will save that for another time.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 24, 2013

Saturday, May 24, 2014



Here is my reflection for Day 12, Friday, May 24, 2013...


As I begin writing this I am sitting on the train that will carry me to Hamburg this evening. I was debating today whether to take a night train all the way to Stralsund or spend the night in Hamburg. I suppose I will decide that once I am underway and can speak with a train conductor. I would not mind taking a night train if I could have a sleeper unit with a decent mattress. Sleeping upright is most definitely not something I enjoy.

Helgoland was so beautiful…and the time passed so quickly. Today I went to the sauna a second time to reward myself for all the work I am doing, both of a professional and personal nature. I suppose such work never truly does end…but instead changes form.

I was delighted to learn that I will see my aunt Annette and Fiti again this coming week when I visit Berlin and visit with my uncle Heiner for the first time in a very long while. It will be interesting to meet his wife and nine year old daughter. It goes without saying that my uncle Heiner’s life was completely different eleven years ago!

When I journeyed to Helgoland from Borken on Tuesday I noticed many birch trees throughout the German landscape. As I sit on the train and write now I again noticed these beautiful trees through the train window. Every time I see them I recall my memories of seeing them in the Netherlands as well as the ancient association this tree has with rebirthing. It’s so fitting I am seeing them everywhere considering what has been unfolding since I came to Europe.

I had a lovely visit on the return ferry with a massage therapist who provided me a session while I was visiting Helgoland. As with so many people I chose to tell her about the book Zero Limits and how it has influenced me since I began reading it. Telling people about this book is but one way I have chosen to make a virtual daily offering as a means of addressing whatever karma I may have created in this life by the ways in which I failed myself and other people earlier in my life. Though I was exposed to the Catholic Church as a child I am thankful to not have too deeply internalized the concept of guilt. I thus have not wrangled too much with the black specter of guilt. I like to believe we human beings do the best we can…

My consultation visit this morning was informative. You can learn so much when you converse with people…including how little we all really know about much of anything. Whatever comes of this project and my final paper I do not know…but I am happy I was granted this opportunity nonetheless.

When making an offering in honor of my ancestors yesterday I acknowledged that I was open to the possibility of working in Germany if a suitable option should present itself. It is funny when a dream you long had comes true years later…and then you are left with the task of deciding how to proceed with your life when something you had long given up on suddenly seems possible once more.

I am excited about my life now in a way I have not been in a very long while. Life, my dear friends, is very good!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 23, 2013

Friday, May 23, 2014


Written one year ago today...


Day 11, Part I

After the veritable gale winds of recent days it is astonishingly quiet here in Helgoland. It is already my last full day here. Tomorrow I return to the German mainland and will begin my travel to Stralsund. I had a very informative and enjoyable conversation with another member of AWI Helgoland this morning. There seem to be many possibilities floating about...the key is to maintain an open and fresh mind.

I plan to go out to the ocean later today and make an offering in honor of the world's oceans and my work within marine policy.


Day 11, Part II

Given how much work I have put in on this fellowship thus far I thought I would treat myself to a bit more "Me time" today. So I took a sauna today here on Helgoland. While soaking and playing in so many different spaces countless people went through my mind.

In one wet, warm room it was pungent with eucalyptus. The ceiling featured all these pinpoint lights that cast little tubes of light downward. They looked like the simulations of stars you would see in a planetarium. So my mind drifted to stargazing and the fun I had as a student of Apela Colorado. The eucalyptus reminded me of herbalist Atava Garcia Swiecicki as well as other Indigenous Science students I befriended.

While sitting in that room I did some breathwork techniques. And so then I thought of my friends I made through the Body Electric community such as Claude Laroche, Eric Bruckner, Greg Rogers, Daniel Foster, Steven Greenberg, Steve Brammeier, et al. And also Christian de la Huerta who specializes in breathwork.

I have been blessed with many friends...and I love you all!


Day 11, Part III

What a beautiful day! And what a beautiful life I have. It's after 10 pm now. There is still light in the sky. I returned to my hotel room to find my iTunes playing some song that makes me all the more wistful...more so than I already am.

Things that were beautiful about today:

1) The sunrise
2) My amazing breakfast
3) My first conversation with staff at AWI
4) The cat I encountered on my walk to AWI
5) The warm smile of the woman I tipped here at the hotel
6) The inspiring music I listen to on my computer
7) Amazing fresh air...Helgoland is known for it
The walk to the sauna
9) My time at the sauna
10) cold water
11) hot water
12) Eucalyptus
13) fresh towels
14) Sunshine
15) Seascapes
16) Fish sandwiches
17) My second consultation visit
18) The American Council on Germany...which made this possible...
19) My ancestors
20) All the people in my life who love and support me
21) The walk back to my hotel after second consult
22) Hot shower
23) Schleswig Holsteinisches Wattenmeer
24) AMAZING dinner at Aquarium Cafe
25) Warm smile of waitress when I tipped her
26) Walk out to watch sunset
27) The sunset
28) Sounds of water
29) Fading beautiful sky
30) Amazing memories of earlier experiences at the ocean
31) Walking back
32) The chirping bird sitting on a lamp
33) Empty streets in the business district
34) Returning again to a cozy and warm environment
35) The comfort and coziness I will enjoy tonight
36) The consoling thought of how I will linger at breakfast tomorrow for two full hours and savor every minute of accomplishing nothing at all meaningful
37) The pleasant feeling of exhaustion I have now
38) The fun of planning the next stage of my trip
39) The open mind I brought to my future life
40) The ritual I did at the water's edge tonight

Do you know just how powerful gratitude is?


And back to today...

May 23, 2014


In my most recent visit to my therapist we laid out the remaining predominating issues I still want to work through.  The ‘flavor’ of these issues is mostly that of grief, resentment and sadness.  My grief has manifold roots. 

Seeing my mother last year was an enjoyable experience but knowing that she now has some degree of dementia was a sobering introduction to the reality that our parents ultimately will die one day.  I also feel some grief as I have come to the awe inspiring realization that my perception of the world was distorted for much of my previous life.  I recognized this last year as I came out from underneath the burden of the impact of the trauma I experienced early in my life.  Now I continue to adjust to having clear vision…as well as the reality that it was clouded for so long previously.  Finally, there is a deeper aspect to the trauma of being separated from my maternal family of origin.  There is a ‘cultural estrangement’ as well.  This is something else I have carried for a long while.

To move forward, heal from the grief and make a new and rewarding life for myself is now my primary priority.  It is no small task.  But I finally feel more capable of committing to this priority now that I have addressed other even more pressing issues (my physical health).

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 22, 2013

Thursday, May 22, 2014



The following was written one year ago today...


Day 10, Part I

I awoke to the sound of a gale blowing outside. It appears today will be an "indoors day". I also awoke to a lot of pain...some of which is probably just the old disappointments and pain of the past being more present in my consciousness as they leave my body. This trip has been great fun...and a lot of work.


Day 10, Part II - It Is Done

I received an email from my Aunt Annette this morning. She confirmed she had completed the last part of my ritual which I had begun on Monday. I am very happy it has been completed. And I am also very sad.

When we do deep personal work on ourselves it seems there almost always comes that feeling of great elation when we create a breakthrough for ourselves...or the Universe breaks through to us. And then, at some point thereafter, there comes the inevitable deflation when the longer term process of dealing with the aftermath sets in. I feel myself on that downhill ride now.

The gale winds outside keep keening around my hotel room. The strength of the gale is an apt metaphor for how I am tearing down and building anew at this moment in my life. There remains such a darkness, such a lack of clarity regarding what will come to pass next. In some moments I find the lack of clarity exhilarating. In other moments I find it confounding. And in still other moments it is frightening. But at least the old and stuck grief within me is leaving me now. There is a huge space within me now for something much better to come into my life.


And now for the present moment...

As I make my preparations to attend the International Mister Leather weekend this weekend in Chicago I have a veritable collection of feelings within me:

Wistfulness: I lived in Chicago during the academic year of 1998-1999. I was attending Loyola University at the time. Strange how fifteen years has already passed. There was this one picture taken of me during the winter season that year I lived there. I was only 25 at the time. In the picture I am standing with a mound of snow behind me. We had a blizzard in January of that year. I was 25 but I looked more like I was about 19. I was smiling in the picture...but "I" was not completely there. I had basically my whole life ahead of me...and yet I wasn't fully present. The trauma from my childhood had done quite a number on me...and I still did not appreciate just how much it had. I had a lot of anger in me...and for good reason. I didn't feel safe for much of my childhood.

Excitement: I am excited to see my local community represented in Chicago. I'm also excited to see people in person whom I am only virtually connected with here on Facebook.

Anxiety: I also feel some anxiety because I wonder how it will feel to be back in Chicago. I expect I will recognize some of the places around town that I will pass through this weekend. While attending school at Loyola University Chicago I had a great partial view of Lake Michigan. I think it might be a little strange to see the lake again. Rogers Park used to be my stomping grounds. What is it like now?

Sadness: In the last year I have done a lot of personal exploration and "internal inquiry". I feel more at home among the leather community than I have the many other gay subcultural realms I have been a part of...such as the Radical Faeries and the gay chorus crows. I feel a bit sad it took me so long to find my way to what seems to be the best "tribe" for me.

This time of year also has a bittersweet edge to it because I saw my mother in Germany this time last year. It was difficult to see her and then part again after eleven years had previously passed. I don't know how much longer she will live. But then again can any of us know such mysteries.

Joy: Yes, I feel the joy as well. I am excited about where I am at in my life now. Even though it is not where I would prefer to be at this chronological point I do feel I am finally moving in a good direction. Where it takes me I do not ultimately know either...but I am thrilled with what is beginning to unfold.

I am feeling a lot now...excited, happy, sad, grief, joy, playful...and all the rest. What an odyssey it has been to reach this point.

I'll share one final detail. It strikes me as a bit "funny" that the burdens I experienced as a kid began to finally turn me a bit sour around the time that the AIDS epidemic started...namely the early 1980s. Many men I will meet this weekend have been affected by the epidemic in some way. And here is the interesting twist...whereas there is still no "cure" for HIV the medical science of PTSD and recovery from it seems to be a bit further along in comparison. It seems to me...and this is just my observation...that recovery from PTSD can be (not necessarily always is) easier than living with HIV. This does NOT mean I am stigmatizing the experience of living with HIV. Instead I am trying to say I feel a certain kinship with those who have been deeply affected by the epidemic...I started carrying a deep burden of my own in the early 1980s as well. I feel grateful I am emerging from the burdens I was carrying.

I feel it also safe to say that decisively separating the two experiences of trauma and HIV would be a bit of a misnomer. Many who were infected could easily have felt so traumatized by being infected (and then losing so many others) that they concurrently developed PTSD as well. And first developing PTSD can affect a person's judgment in such a way that they might engage in unsafe behaviors that put them at higher risk of infection with HIV...or something else.



May 22, 2014

Afternoon Reflections


How Does One Heal From a Thirty Year Long Anxiety Disorder?


I think today was the first day I really noticed how the ‘natural’ world is no longer an uninspiring monochromatic palette of browns, grays and whites.  The world is alive!  Most of the trees have bloomed out so thoroughly now that it’s becoming difficult to see the branches from which the leaves have burst forth.  Greens, pinks, purples, yellows and reds are all now visible.  Winter has died.  Spring will not be forced out of its place by the cold winds of winter.  And I am alive now in a way I have never been before.  And it only took me until the age of forty to reach this point.

There was a funny little ad I can recall seeing when I was a kid.  A little boy would walk around asking ‘How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?’  An owl gave him the answer of ‘three’.  The ad ends with the question reiterated and another answer given: ‘The world may never know’.  In a similar way I may never know how long it takes (exactly!) to heal from a thirty year long anxiety disorder until I have done so and can look back in hindsight.  This is a question I live with on a daily basis.

Joy and grief continue to intermingle within me each and every day as I live with this question.  I feel so happy and alive that the world outside my windows has awoken from its long winter slumber.  Recovering from trauma is challenging enough.  Doing so during one of the worst winters in three decades is all the more intensive.  But I am on my way.  And yet the grief weighs heavily on me.  Even in the intense sunlight of late May I can feel the grief due to the dross of my early life history still within me.  I engage in a variety of exercise now: strength training, seated rowing, swimming, boxing, yoga and my life without a car.  All these forms of exercise help.  Being outside in the sunlight helps.  Laughing helps.  Spending time with my friends helps.  Avoiding people and situations who are not supportive of me helps.  Writing every day helps enormously.  Perhaps most important of all…having fun helps.

This coming weekend, as I meet leather folks from all over the nation and even other countries, I feel certain my joy and grief will continue to intermingle.  But I am also certain of this: as time passes the joy is remaining and the grief is waning…one tiny piece at a time.

Coming into the fullness of my being at the age of forty isn’t exactly what I would prefer to be experiencing…but I am happy to have made it through the difficult experiences I was forced to go through…as well as those difficulties I inadvertently put myself through as an adult due to my own decision making skills which were certainly less than optimal.  Overcoming an early history of extensive trauma can make for a grueling process of establishing a solid foundation in the world.  But I am doing it one day at a time.  I have essentially pruned my life of much of what no longer serves me. That in itself was quite a process!

Enjoy the beautiful sun!