Recovering By Degrees

Monday, May 19, 2014

Our climb out of a most bitter winter into the embrace of a chilly, damp spring has occurred in incremental steps.  Our emergence from the fierce grip of winter has not been a linear process.  In this way the turning of the wheel of the seasons mirrors my own recovery.  I too have been recovering one incremental step after another.  On many occasions it has felt something like climbing a flight of stairs out of a dark and dank basement. 

I worked a full day today at the Hospice Foundation.  It appears this will be my last week working there.  I have thankfully kept myself busy enough such that I haven’t given myself the time to allow my mind to wander to worrisome thoughts of what could happen if I don’t find a new position almost immediately after this one ends.  I have spent enough of my life worrying.

While doing some very tedious work today I found myself pondering the possibilities that could open to me if I am offered an interview for this position within NOAA, am later offered the job and then decide to take it.  It could lead me in directions I haven’t even conceived of recently if ever.  And securing such a position could perhaps finally lead me to a great feeling of satisfaction.  I have given so much to others in my life.  Sometimes I felt as if I was a fool to have given as much time in volunteer service as I did.  Even my own father, in one of the better moments of our relationship, expressed the sentiment that I had done enough volunteer work for two lifetimes.  I hope one day all my striving will eventually lead me to a life of real balance.  I feel myself moving in that direction.  But as with any process it takes some time to accomplish.

From what I know the series of positions opening up will include spots in Alaska, California, Florida and New England.  I have lived in California and New England previously.  I could see myself taking the adventurous leap of living in Alaska.  I cannot really see myself in Florida…at all.  The culture there strikes me as very dysfunctional.

This unexpected opportunity has presented me with the challenge of juggling yet another item in my life at a time when I already feel nearly at my limit to manage what I already am dealing with.  If it is true that the Cosmos never gives you more than you handle than it must be true that I am one resilient, strong man.  I know this to be true.  Less resilient people would probably not have survived what I have experienced in my life.

Another day has passed in my ongoing journey of recovery.  The world around me is filled with green and moisture.  If I didn’t know better I could almost imagine I was in Ireland.  Ireland is yet another place I would like to visit one day.