Friday, May 30, 2014
There are some mornings when I wake up and wonder if the life I am living now is truly real. Life these last few months has felt like the equivalent of waking up out of a most horrible and lengthy dream. As I have noted in recent posts my predominant affect shifted from anger to grief and sadness many months ago. I don't exactly feel stuck in grief and sadness but it does seem I will be in this 'phase' for some time to come.
This morning, while on my way to work, I recalled another unpleasant memory from my childhood that I would rather not dwell in. In fact, the memory came into my conscious awareness without any real effort. I remembered how my first stepmother once deliberately tried to kill a dog belonging to one of our neighbors. She hit it with a car. I can still remember being in the home of our neighbor and seeing an x-ray the veterinarian took of the dog after it was hurt.
When I think back to that time now I find myself wondering 'Was that really real? Did that actually happen?' Sometimes my early life history simply doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that so much trauma and harm could have unfolded and yet so little was done to address what were clearly repeated indications that I was living in an unduly stressful environment. It is no wonder I have harbored so much resentment and disgust towards my paternal family of origin. Their complacency has been unethical and dangerous.
......
Here in the present moment I am doing fairly well. I am adjusting to the prospect of working full time again beginning next week. Winter is long gone and Spring seems to have come and gone quite quickly; the weather is more typical of Summer now.
My therapist wrote up a summary report of my progress to submit as part of the documentation needed to review my application for vocational rehabilitation services. A decision on my application must be made no later than approximately July 12th.
There are some mornings when I wake up and wonder if the life I am living now is truly real. Life these last few months has felt like the equivalent of waking up out of a most horrible and lengthy dream. As I have noted in recent posts my predominant affect shifted from anger to grief and sadness many months ago. I don't exactly feel stuck in grief and sadness but it does seem I will be in this 'phase' for some time to come.
This morning, while on my way to work, I recalled another unpleasant memory from my childhood that I would rather not dwell in. In fact, the memory came into my conscious awareness without any real effort. I remembered how my first stepmother once deliberately tried to kill a dog belonging to one of our neighbors. She hit it with a car. I can still remember being in the home of our neighbor and seeing an x-ray the veterinarian took of the dog after it was hurt.
When I think back to that time now I find myself wondering 'Was that really real? Did that actually happen?' Sometimes my early life history simply doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that so much trauma and harm could have unfolded and yet so little was done to address what were clearly repeated indications that I was living in an unduly stressful environment. It is no wonder I have harbored so much resentment and disgust towards my paternal family of origin. Their complacency has been unethical and dangerous.
......
Here in the present moment I am doing fairly well. I am adjusting to the prospect of working full time again beginning next week. Winter is long gone and Spring seems to have come and gone quite quickly; the weather is more typical of Summer now.
My therapist wrote up a summary report of my progress to submit as part of the documentation needed to review my application for vocational rehabilitation services. A decision on my application must be made no later than approximately July 12th.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!