Friday, August 30, 2013
I feel extremely grateful that a deck of low clouds is shading the Twin Cities from the sun. We've had a respectable heat wave for days. Now a north wind is blowing and announcing that autumn is coming soon. The rapidly shortening days are another herald of the fact that the great wheel of the seasons is now turning. I am actually starting to feel enthusiastic about the coming of autumn.
The extreme dedication I have made to my own recovery has been like a season unto itself. Just as summer will soon end and a new season begin so will my initiatory phase of my healing process soon end. I am indeed wading deep into the muck of the psychic pain I have carried around for too long. I am most certainly in the thick of it now. Some days the journey through the quagmire of unexpressed sadness, anger, resentment, confusion and pain seems like a lost cause. Other days I seem to find my footing with a consistent grace that nearly baffles me. Or perhaps it is the iron clad will I am bringing to this "self restoration" project that perplexes me even more. I became a strong person even as a young child and young man due to the many unfortunate and unwanted experiences I had. I am appreciating that strength more and more. With each day that I awaken and follow my daily regimen of self care with firm, unwavering discipline (much like the loving reverence a priest will show to his altar and church) I find myself gradually believing in myself more and more. My inner knowing is growing; I know I will find myself in my own version of the "promised land" in due time. It's just that time factor that still irks me.
Today may be the most important day yet in my healing process. In a few short hours I will be meeting with a psychiatrist here at Abbott Hospital who specializes in the issue of PTSD. I deliberately sought out a second opinion because I want to have the substantive weight of a psychiatrist's evaluation to be able to reference in the near future when I finally confront my father (yet again) and make it clear to him our relationship is over unless he agrees to mediation with an objective third party mediator. After I make my final communication to him in the coming week I will stand resolute in my demand for mediation. I have been flexible and respectful as much as possible. I do not feel the same measure of respect has been returned to me.
It has become clear through my efforts to pursue legal consultation throughout this month that I would very likely not be perceived to have a viable case against my father were I to attempt to take him to court. It is not even my first preference to use such an option were it in fact open to me. But I was adamant about exhausting all possible avenues to obtain relief and justice for myself. At least now I can look back later in life and not wonder what might have happened if I had looked into all possibilities. I intend to live a life with minimal regrets from now on.
My previous depressive affect is now indeed truly gone. There are moments when I slip into deep sadness (as I did yesterday after reading about the devastation of Fukushima in Japan that may indeed really, truly and astonishingly poison much of the Pacific in the next decade) but thankfully the sadness does not fester and metastasize into depression. Actually I think it would be almost unreasonable to expect that the depression would not have lifted by now considering how much I have been doing to vaporize it. The endorphins I am releasing on a nearly daily basis due to my exercise regimen consistently help me to clear and relax my mind. The predominant emotion I am now aware of feeling is anger. It's the anger I felt (but so often did not express) due to so many injustices that accumulated in my psyche much like the radioactive isotopes are accumulating in the waters of the Pacific Ocean. Despite the unfortunate state of much of the world I am growing increasingly hopeful about the range of opportunities possible for my own future life.
And so here is the count: I have two more appointments scheduled with my acupuncturist; he will reassess me after my tenth visit next week. I have two more visits to my physical therapist. I will likely be released from appointments after that. And then I have my ongoing appointments with my therapist. How many more of those will I have? Dozens it would seem. But I am so much better off than I was.
As a gift to myself in honor of my upcoming watershed birthday moment I am attending the 29th Annual Minnesota Men's Conference in September. It will provide me a great opportunity to get away and enjoy the wondrous healing power of nature. I have wanted to get out of the city on at least one trip to the virtual equivalent of wilderness before the cooler winds of autumn themselves pass away and Old Man Winter announces his return.
I literally do not think I could have worked harder to restore my health this month. I am proud of my dedication. With focus, will, support and endurance you can indeed accomplish great things!
I feel extremely grateful that a deck of low clouds is shading the Twin Cities from the sun. We've had a respectable heat wave for days. Now a north wind is blowing and announcing that autumn is coming soon. The rapidly shortening days are another herald of the fact that the great wheel of the seasons is now turning. I am actually starting to feel enthusiastic about the coming of autumn.
The extreme dedication I have made to my own recovery has been like a season unto itself. Just as summer will soon end and a new season begin so will my initiatory phase of my healing process soon end. I am indeed wading deep into the muck of the psychic pain I have carried around for too long. I am most certainly in the thick of it now. Some days the journey through the quagmire of unexpressed sadness, anger, resentment, confusion and pain seems like a lost cause. Other days I seem to find my footing with a consistent grace that nearly baffles me. Or perhaps it is the iron clad will I am bringing to this "self restoration" project that perplexes me even more. I became a strong person even as a young child and young man due to the many unfortunate and unwanted experiences I had. I am appreciating that strength more and more. With each day that I awaken and follow my daily regimen of self care with firm, unwavering discipline (much like the loving reverence a priest will show to his altar and church) I find myself gradually believing in myself more and more. My inner knowing is growing; I know I will find myself in my own version of the "promised land" in due time. It's just that time factor that still irks me.
Today may be the most important day yet in my healing process. In a few short hours I will be meeting with a psychiatrist here at Abbott Hospital who specializes in the issue of PTSD. I deliberately sought out a second opinion because I want to have the substantive weight of a psychiatrist's evaluation to be able to reference in the near future when I finally confront my father (yet again) and make it clear to him our relationship is over unless he agrees to mediation with an objective third party mediator. After I make my final communication to him in the coming week I will stand resolute in my demand for mediation. I have been flexible and respectful as much as possible. I do not feel the same measure of respect has been returned to me.
It has become clear through my efforts to pursue legal consultation throughout this month that I would very likely not be perceived to have a viable case against my father were I to attempt to take him to court. It is not even my first preference to use such an option were it in fact open to me. But I was adamant about exhausting all possible avenues to obtain relief and justice for myself. At least now I can look back later in life and not wonder what might have happened if I had looked into all possibilities. I intend to live a life with minimal regrets from now on.
My previous depressive affect is now indeed truly gone. There are moments when I slip into deep sadness (as I did yesterday after reading about the devastation of Fukushima in Japan that may indeed really, truly and astonishingly poison much of the Pacific in the next decade) but thankfully the sadness does not fester and metastasize into depression. Actually I think it would be almost unreasonable to expect that the depression would not have lifted by now considering how much I have been doing to vaporize it. The endorphins I am releasing on a nearly daily basis due to my exercise regimen consistently help me to clear and relax my mind. The predominant emotion I am now aware of feeling is anger. It's the anger I felt (but so often did not express) due to so many injustices that accumulated in my psyche much like the radioactive isotopes are accumulating in the waters of the Pacific Ocean. Despite the unfortunate state of much of the world I am growing increasingly hopeful about the range of opportunities possible for my own future life.
And so here is the count: I have two more appointments scheduled with my acupuncturist; he will reassess me after my tenth visit next week. I have two more visits to my physical therapist. I will likely be released from appointments after that. And then I have my ongoing appointments with my therapist. How many more of those will I have? Dozens it would seem. But I am so much better off than I was.
As a gift to myself in honor of my upcoming watershed birthday moment I am attending the 29th Annual Minnesota Men's Conference in September. It will provide me a great opportunity to get away and enjoy the wondrous healing power of nature. I have wanted to get out of the city on at least one trip to the virtual equivalent of wilderness before the cooler winds of autumn themselves pass away and Old Man Winter announces his return.
I literally do not think I could have worked harder to restore my health this month. I am proud of my dedication. With focus, will, support and endurance you can indeed accomplish great things!
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