Thursday, August 22, 2013
In the journey of healing there are days that feature major breakthroughs. Then there are other days that are equally important but of a seemingly less remarkable nature. Today fit in the latter category.
I had my follow up appointment this morning to have my left knee reassessed. I was pleased to receive such positive input; my doctor encouraged me to follow up in about eight weeks if there is a need to do so. Because my progress has been so good I am now nearly done with my physical therapy focused specifically on my knee and hip. It's great to see I am making such excellent progress in my recovery. Tomorrow morning I will have my follow up appointment at the Institute for Low Back and Neck Care. This is also a reassessment appointment. After I'm done with that appointment it appears I will be on the downhill slide to completing my rehabilitative work focused on my physical health. Whew!
Today was also the fifth day in a row I dutifully attended classes at my local YMCA. I have made a commitment to myself to never again let my health deteriorate as much as it did in the last year. It's as if I was caught in a chaotic tornado for a long while and I simply could not calm down. Now that I am receiving ongoing treatment specific for my PTSD I am confident that in time I will not only recover but will attain a quality of health I have not previously enjoyed. I look forward to those days that I intend to one day see in the relatively near future.
It's amazing what can happen when you are willing to tear down all the facets of your life that no longer serve you and begin to craft a new foundation. The last two months I have essentially been creating a new foundation. It's quite an energy intensive process.
This evening, as I was preparing to go to sleep, I was able to consciously recognize more fully what my greatest fear now is. My greatest fear is getting caught up again in what I would call the "trance of trauma". As I continue to move in the direction of greater and greater balance in my own life I can look back and see how utterly imbalanced my life was for so long. I had given my time for free in the hope of making a new career for myself for much too long (since 2011). My generosity to others was so great that I began hurting myself in the process. And I wasn't even that conscious of how deeply imbalanced my life was! I was indeed caught in something like a trance.
On some level I feel I became predisposed to this imbalance (giving to others versus care of self) at a very early age. When my mother began to suffer her schizophrenic breakdown there was no escape for me. And there was no easy way for my father to respond; my father had to deal with her breakdown and in the process I feel that I did not receive enough energy to develop in a completely healthy way. This doesn't mean that I am permanently warped now. And it doesn't mean I cannot heal. What I do believe is that a fundamental part of my short term recovery must include cultivating a deep mindfulness of that fine balance between self and others. I need to immerse myself in deep self-care. In doing so I will continue to successfully walk the path of healing.