Monday, August 12, 2013
It wasn't until some time in the night that I realized (gasp!) I had failed to write my entry for the day. So I am technically catching up now and writing yesterday's entry at 4:00 am. No, I didn't specifically wake up at this very quiet hour just to write an entry. I was awake already. And it didn't help that I heard a slew of police sirens somewhere in the distance. Sounds like that have a way of easily triggering bad memories for me. I found myself breathing deeply and feeling thankful I was inside and safe instead of outside and somewhere in the vicinity of where all the police vehicles were rushing off to.
Monday was a nice enough day though I did find it challenging at certain moments. I find it very, very difficult on occasion to muster the enthusiasm to travel all the way to my therapist when making it to his office requires me to take three separate buses to get there. I walked the last bit of distance because the bus connections are not always that good. I spent part of my session in my therapist's office griping about how much work it takes just to reach the office itself. There are moments when I feel I am simply never going to improve significantly or the price I pay for said improvement is going to prove so demanding that I will want to just give up.
I continue to reopen and then close numerous doors from the past in my efforts to finally heal in a deep way. Yesterday I reconnected with another psychiatrist I once worked with. This one lives in San Francisco. I worked with him when I lived in San Francisco. It doesn't seem possible that the time I worked with him was so many years ago now. My motivation for contacting him was a desire to better understand my past treatment history. I found myself wondering if somehow my life would be different now if my PTSD had been diagnosed earlier in my life. My former psychiatrist (Dr. Gonzalez) said the treatment process would not have been any different if I had had a formal diagnosis of PTSD or not. This was encouraging to hear.
As I stood waiting for the bus to take me home I looked up at the sky as a means to distract myself. I became a bit lost in the beauty of the clouds filling the sky. I thought of numerous other evening and morning skies I have been blessed to see. And then I saw the moon riding low in the south. It was nearly a first quarter moon. Somehow seeing the moon and tendrils of clouds floating past led me to think of Hawaii and the immense beauty I have previously enjoyed when visiting this amazing place. I found myself breathing a little more deeply and slowly as I contemplated some of the wondrous places I have had occasion to visit throughout my life. I am deeply grateful for those experiences. I hope one day to visit Hawaii again. And one day I can imagine even living there.
Seeing the beautiful moon and clouds reminded me of my artist self and how my future work must be something that inspires and brings wonder to other people. I will not go back to my old life in which I sit before a computer and do some sort of data analysis. There is only so much knowledge that can be produced and disseminated by sitting at a computer throughout the day.
I think the Wellbutrin I was previously taking is now decisively out of my system. I continue to have some really special moments (cue sarcasm) in which I become a bit overcome with excessive sweating. This is but one potential side effect of the medication I am currently taking. I suppose I might find it less annoying if I have such a side effect (if that is indeed what it is) in any other season when it isn't so warm outside.
I continue to do my physical therapy each day. I am beginning to find the physical therapy to be a fairly easy routine to follow. I am hoping this aspect of my recovery will be complete by the end of August or early September.
It wasn't until some time in the night that I realized (gasp!) I had failed to write my entry for the day. So I am technically catching up now and writing yesterday's entry at 4:00 am. No, I didn't specifically wake up at this very quiet hour just to write an entry. I was awake already. And it didn't help that I heard a slew of police sirens somewhere in the distance. Sounds like that have a way of easily triggering bad memories for me. I found myself breathing deeply and feeling thankful I was inside and safe instead of outside and somewhere in the vicinity of where all the police vehicles were rushing off to.
Monday was a nice enough day though I did find it challenging at certain moments. I find it very, very difficult on occasion to muster the enthusiasm to travel all the way to my therapist when making it to his office requires me to take three separate buses to get there. I walked the last bit of distance because the bus connections are not always that good. I spent part of my session in my therapist's office griping about how much work it takes just to reach the office itself. There are moments when I feel I am simply never going to improve significantly or the price I pay for said improvement is going to prove so demanding that I will want to just give up.
I continue to reopen and then close numerous doors from the past in my efforts to finally heal in a deep way. Yesterday I reconnected with another psychiatrist I once worked with. This one lives in San Francisco. I worked with him when I lived in San Francisco. It doesn't seem possible that the time I worked with him was so many years ago now. My motivation for contacting him was a desire to better understand my past treatment history. I found myself wondering if somehow my life would be different now if my PTSD had been diagnosed earlier in my life. My former psychiatrist (Dr. Gonzalez) said the treatment process would not have been any different if I had had a formal diagnosis of PTSD or not. This was encouraging to hear.
As I stood waiting for the bus to take me home I looked up at the sky as a means to distract myself. I became a bit lost in the beauty of the clouds filling the sky. I thought of numerous other evening and morning skies I have been blessed to see. And then I saw the moon riding low in the south. It was nearly a first quarter moon. Somehow seeing the moon and tendrils of clouds floating past led me to think of Hawaii and the immense beauty I have previously enjoyed when visiting this amazing place. I found myself breathing a little more deeply and slowly as I contemplated some of the wondrous places I have had occasion to visit throughout my life. I am deeply grateful for those experiences. I hope one day to visit Hawaii again. And one day I can imagine even living there.
Seeing the beautiful moon and clouds reminded me of my artist self and how my future work must be something that inspires and brings wonder to other people. I will not go back to my old life in which I sit before a computer and do some sort of data analysis. There is only so much knowledge that can be produced and disseminated by sitting at a computer throughout the day.
I think the Wellbutrin I was previously taking is now decisively out of my system. I continue to have some really special moments (cue sarcasm) in which I become a bit overcome with excessive sweating. This is but one potential side effect of the medication I am currently taking. I suppose I might find it less annoying if I have such a side effect (if that is indeed what it is) in any other season when it isn't so warm outside.
I continue to do my physical therapy each day. I am beginning to find the physical therapy to be a fairly easy routine to follow. I am hoping this aspect of my recovery will be complete by the end of August or early September.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!