Thursday, October 31, 2013

Boo!

Thursday, October 31, 2013


In the spirit of the playfulness that children display on Halloween I am happy to report a very encouraging development that occurred yesterday after my workout in the basement of the Wasie building.  After lifting weights and completing some physical therapy I went to take a shower.  The shower in the locker room was equipped with a removable shower head.  As I was washing off my thighs I noticed the stream of water was making a linear pattern in the hair on my thighs.  I started playing with the water and repeatedly made funny patterns on my legs.  Yes, I actually had a moment in which I was playing in a carefree way.  I was completely enjoying the moment.

That I was able to completely lose myself in this mundane moment is great evidence that I am continuing to improve.  Having sufficient psychological and physical space to play as a child was a challenge for me; the anxiety I felt much of the time (which I was typically not even consciously aware of) frequently undermined my feelings of joy.  Play was too much a luxury when I was growing up.  I was fortunate to have boy friends in the neighborhood I could play with.  But my immediate environment during some of the most formative years of my life was often so anxiety inducing.  It's sad when children miss out on fun.

The good news is that I did not suffer any permanent damage.  I still have the capacity to play and pursue a variety of interests.  And now, as I finally do more intensive therapy to address the dark moments and stretches of my childhood, I am finding myself able to find the strength and ease to cast off an overly serious veneer and allow myself to have some genuine fun.

Today I submitted a medical opinion form I completed with the assistance of my therapist during our session yesterday.  I am now determined to be able to work forty hours a week again though there are some limitations.  I am moving in a new career direction now and am excited by the possibilities that await me!

I am going out to celebrate Halloween tonight and give myself some quality time to celebrate.  I'm going to make more time for play in my life.




Wednesday, October 30, 2013

A Productive Day!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


The festival of Samhain is nearly here.  I shall be writing about that tomorrow.  This time within the cycle of the year took on a special meaning for me several years ago when I studied the background of my paternal ancestry.  It is a time to honor those who have gone before us and have crossed the veil to the other side of this strange, wonderful and constantly changing Cosmos.  I have to admit that lately my blog feels like a bit of a ghost town; daily viewership is very low the last week or so.  Am I becoming boring?  I am quite open to receiving input on what I share.

On Monday of this week I began an outpatient day treatment program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  The program customarily lasts between two to three weeks.  I have continued to feel better and better each day as a consequence of what is offered.  Today was an extremely productive and long day.  I had many insights and reflections.

One primary takeaway from the last three days has been my appreciation that there are plenty of people out there in the world who aren't necessarily "all there" when you meet them walking about in their physical bodies.  By that I mean to say that people who are preoccupied, disassociated, enmeshed in grief, sadness or depression and the like are not fully present to the world as they perceive it with the senses of their bodies.  They are thus not "all there".  This issue came up one day when we ascribed percentages to how present each of us were in the group room.  This unexpected activity helped me to appreciate how little attention we sometimes actually receive from the people in our lives including the people who mean a lot to us.  I appreciated how much I felt unseen when I was growing up.  Many times it felt as if I was starving for any attention whatsoever.

Disassociation is a very troublesome phenomenon.  I recognize that I can easily fall into this state when I feel stressed or anticipate a confrontation I would prefer not to have.  A feeling of being threatened can prompt a fight or flight response.  I have become more aware of how easily I can disassociate.  I sometimes find it perplexing how much I am still learning even now.

One of the members of my group is dealing with some rather severe sleep deprivation.  She is often so tired that it appears to be a struggle for her to stay awake throughout the day.  Today our therapist who facilitates the group expressed concern that continued sleep deprivation could put her at increased risk of sleep deprivation induced psychosis.  I didn't think much more of my fellow group member's sleep issue at that time earlier today.  But then this evening I had an insight that I hope to explore with my therapist more in a coming session.

When I was still a kid and growing up at home my father had more than one job for many years at a time.  For many years he held a nighttime job throwing newspapers on a newspaper route.  His route grew larger and larger as time passed until he was eventually throwing a route typical of what three or four people would do if all their houses were grouped together.  His route would prove especially challenging on weekends in which there were special advertising inserts due to upcoming holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I can still vividly recall the monumental challenge we both faced one weekend when the special advertisement section proved so bulky that the newspapers would not fit in the regular plastic bags; we did not finish on time that morning!

Towards the end of my father's time working this second job it seemed he was rarely able to get much sleep.  I'd say he lived on four or five hours of sleep a night at most.  This went on for many years.  And yet not until today did I make what might prove to be an important connection!  Many people cannot function well on so little sleep over extended periods of time.  And yet somehow my father managed to do so.  But today, as I put the pieces together and remembered this aspect of my childhood, I began to wonder if my father ever was near the border that separates functionality from psychosis.  Perhaps he never experienced even a fleeting bout of immense disorientation or temporary psychosis (if such a condition can actually be temporary!)  And yet even if he didn't experience such severe symptoms I cannot imagine that his relative lack of sleep didn't undermine his capacity to be present to some degree.  Indeed, I recall one of his favorite rhetorical questions he asked me was: "Have you ever been really tired?"  I didn't answer very often.  And when he would ask me I would feel a mixture of sympathy, guilt and irritation.  I sometimes felt this was one way he would remind me of how hard he worked to support me.  I knew this was true.  And yet I frequently wished he had had more time to spend with me in a direct way.

Last week I picked up a copy of Robert Bly's book Iron John.  In the book Bly speaks about the tremendous transformation that has occurred due to the radical changes that occurred as a result of industrialization.  Men and their sons spend much, much less time together in the industrialized West as compared to only a century ago.  Indeed, the immense transformation in how we spend our time and with whom has unleashed profound consequences for the development of boys into men.  And I would tend to concur with Bly that many of those consequences are not positive.

In thinking of my own paternal ancestry I can see that the transformation is also quite recent.  My father grew up in a small town and assisted his own father with agricultural endeavors; they cultivated much of their food rather than buy it in a store.  That was not my experience.  In only two generations the manner of living in relationship to the Earth radically changed.  And much was lost in those mere two generations.  I'm not sure what all I can reclaim that I have not already sought to do.

What I find especially distressing, even traumatic in a sense, is how the rapid mechanization of so much of our world eliminated not only whole realms of employment but also (some would say irreversibly) radically transformed the fabric of individual families as well as whole communities.  This goes on now in nations such as China and India as people leave countless small villages to seek work in cities.  I am compelled to ask what the human costs must be as this transformation continues.  Where is the human element when economists calculate the growth in a nation's GDP?  What good is growth, 'development'  and the rise of large urban environments if these phenomena ultimately lead to a decrease in individual and collective wellness?  This debate has gone on for some time and I expect it will continue to do so.   And yet it is already clear that economic globalization produces both 'winners' and 'losers'.

It may seem that I am taking a very macroscopic view in my writing on trauma and healing from it but I think it only fair, reasonable and wise to consider the broader milieu when writing on this issue.  What good is it to heal yourself if your community and nation of origin go down the path of eventual self-immolation?  Indeed, is such growth ultimately worth it?  Is massive alienation worth huge highways, vending machines, cold fluorescent lights glowing over lonely parking lots and agribusiness that undermines the lives of self-sufficient farmers?  Healing can be an immense task.

Today was a productive day for me in the sense that I learned more about myself.  This journey of self-discovery is an amazing process.  I realize how much unexpressed grief has undermined the quality of my life.  I see this issue very clearly now in comparison to how well I perceived its existence back in July when I began active therapy.  I am making immense progress.  Eventually I want to offer my larger self in support of a community I can feel myself to be a vital and energizing participant of.

Good night.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

On Being A Corporate Whore

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Among my diverse hobbies I can count the art of people watching.  You know what I find especially intriguing?  It's interesting to watch television with the sound on mute.  It's especially interesting when the channel happens to be set on Faux Noise (Fox News).  I happened to inadvertently catch a bit of this "news" channel while having lunch at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  And naturally Fox "News" (sorry, I really cannot call it news because it simply is not...it's propaganda designed to confuse, mislead and enrage) was on a roll about Obamacare.  The people of Fox Noise seek anything and everything they can find to belittle, impugn and rail against the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.  It seems to be their mission in life.  Too bad they expend their precious life energy acting to destroy when they could actually create instead.  Such is the power of hate.  If you don't have any worthwhile suggestions of your own regarding a critical policy issue what is the point in ripping other people's ideas to shreds?

I have often thought it would be interesting to do a survey of people who work for Fox Noise and pose them questions as obtuse, confusing and stilted as the ones they often pose to people who dare to enter their realm to speak.  Some great questions would be the following:


  • "When did you first learn you were a corporate whore?"
  • "Did you take a class in selling your soul in school or are you self-taught?"
  • "Does scientific inquiry scare you?  Are you in therapy because you fear what happens when you learn?"
  • "Do you believe having the option of affordable health care is essentially making a deal with Satan?  Do you think Justice Scalia might be able to assist you with a complaint you have against the federal government?"
  • "How do you distract yourself when you are immersed in the suffering of your fellow human beings?"
  • "Have you ever done anything generous for another person without the hope of a reward in return?"
I realize my words may seem to be a bit harsh.  And I am actually intentionally poking fun at Fox Noise.  But seriously I wonder how anyone in their right mind can take what is passed off as news on that channel seriously?  Like I said above simply put the channel on mute and look at the body language.  If you do not see arrogance, smarminess and other similar off-putting qualities exuding from the talking heads I would ask what planet you are from.

The Affordable Care Act is not a perfect piece of legislation.  Indeed there are some serious issues with it.  One serious issue is the impact the implementation of the law is having on businesses.  Some would rather reduce their employees' hours to part-time status (so they can avoid the requirement) instead of actually providing health insurance to their employees.  But if perfection is the only way to appease the vacuous talking heads of Faux Noise then they will always have a job because nothing is perfect.  It always amazes me when people confuse the merit of an idea with the implementation of an idea.  Listening to Faux News and friends (or even just watching the smug, nasty body language of their drones) you might think the issues with the legislation somehow indicate the inspiration behind the legislation (namely that everyone should have access to affordable healthcare in a wealthy, developed nation such as the United States) is itself flawed.  Can you say the word 'conflate'?  I wish these buffoons would get a job where telling the truth is considered an asset rather than a liability.

I imagine the term corporate whore was first coined long before I first used it.  But I believe it is a great term.  There are many who become corporate whores; their unique identities become subsumed in these monolithic structures where you essentially sell your soul in exchange for a livelihood that does little more than provide the means to feed your body.  This is often how I think of Fox "News".  You only need to give up your integrity and rail against anything and everything you are told to in exchange for a job.  Yes indeed, perhaps we should stop all this pernicious "government overreach" and instead promulgate the values of mediocrity, government "underreach" and self-absorption.  Let's shred every last bit of the social safety net in this nation and see how that affects our ranking against other nations in terms of critical metrics such as hunger, job skills, wealth, violence and opportunity.

I worked in corporate environments for a brief period earlier in my life.  I found it to be such drudgery.  But I did it partly because I wanted to see what the fuss was all about.  We have become a very strange nation now that people (including unsuccessful politicians such as Mitt Romney) can speak with a straight face about corporations being people.  Jerry Mander (one of my thoughtful heroes) has eloquently articulated the fallacy and horrible consequences of allowing law to define corporations in this way.  Corporations cannot feel pain.  People can.  Corporations are not moral creatures.  People can be moral though they do not always make wise decisions.

The environmental damage done by corporations operating in developing nations makes for excellent fare in discussions held in environmental policy classes.  I should know because I have listened to such dialogue.  While taking a course in Norway in the summer of 2010 I was introduced to the idea of corporate social responsibility.  This is another idea whose value is perhaps greater in its theoretical form as compared to its implementation.  I don't believe the concept is inherently good or bad; I believe it depends on what exactly corporations do, for whom and why.

So what does this have to do with PTSD?  That's a good question.  I would link the two topics in this way.  Jobs in which you become an automaton resembling a cog in a vast machine are not really humane jobs.  They might not cause you to develop PTSD but the depersonalization implicit in some types of work (such as working on a manufacturing conveyor belt) certainly does not nurture the human spirit.  I have my own experience of this; I briefly worked for Tyson Foods years ago while doing some independent research.  The long hours, cold warehouse and automation don't exactly feed the soul.

A move in the direction of the corporate control (or at least invasive influence) of a vast percentage of our human and natural resources seems an inevitable additional step in the direction of continuing to deepen our disassociation from the creative and life sustaining matrix that is this planet on which we came to be.  As more and more wealth and power concentrates within the hold of a smaller and smaller group of people in this nation I can only wonder what will be the inevitable outcome.

Such a topic is by no means cheery.  And perhaps I am focusing too much lately on what I perceive is wrong with the world at large.  In the coming days and weeks I expect I will further refine my writing here.

Thanks for reading!







Monday, October 28, 2013

Privacy & Piracy

Monday, October 28, 2013


The issue of privacy has been in the news a lot lately.  Yet again the United States is appearing as a pariah on the international stage.  And this time it isn't due to the inability of Congress to behave in a  sufficiently mature way that it can easily be distinguished from a typical kindergarten class.  (Ted Cruz would be the class clown who believes that by talking endlessly people will somehow eventually give him the attention his narcissistic character needs) No this time we are dealing with more news related to the issue of privacy.  Our European allies are quite upset with us; Angela Merkel has been wondering if she was the target of eavesdropping by the USA.  Every time I feel appalled by the behavior of the U.S. government I am surprised to discover the bar can fall even lower.

And before any follower of my blog who happens to hold conservative political views decides to pounce on me please know I do believe there is a degree of wisdom in gathering intelligence on other nations.  I am not opposed to surveillance; it is only wise to do so as a means of protecting national security.  But you won't find me mindlessly accept that reasoning to justify all sorts of invasions of privacy.  Hearing that Merkel's own phone may have been tapped is indeed quite ridiculous; our nation sure seems to be perfecting the art of becoming a pariah on the world stage.

Privacy is an important issue.  A lack of privacy can lead to all sorts of strange pathologies in human behavior.  Paranoia is but one example.  George Orwell painted a grim world in which privacy is essentially extinct when he created the world of the Thought Police in the book 1984.  The need for privacy can be reframed in another way.  Think of privacy as a matter of creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.  When you lack a sufficient amount of privacy to feel safe (and thereby unhindered from pursuing activities greatly appreciated by introverts) you do not enjoy the benefit of healthy boundaries.  And the earlier in human development this blurring of the public and private spheres becomes normalized the more harmful its impact seems likely to be.

Lately I have been reframing my understanding and memories of the earliest years of my life in a new way.  I have reflected on the immense anxiety I felt (but could not even verbalize) when my mother began to suffer her schizophrenic breakdown.  Being exposed to this at such a young age was quite anxiety provoking; in a sense her illness shattered any healthy sense of boundaries (read here also 'privacy') I might have developed that is reasonable for children to expect to enjoy.  There was no significant boundary between me and my mother and I certainly was not old enough to understand how to create one.  I therefore had a front row seat and witnessed her breakdown in immensely fine detail with the power of stereo surround-sound.  And somehow I think this very early experience affected my subsequent understanding of what boundaries are, how you create them and why they are necessary for healthy living.  It would certainly explain the issues with boundaries I experienced years later as a young adult.

When looking at the development of an individual person it is also vital to consider the larger cultural milieu as experienced in a community, state and nation.  Growing up in Texas certainly made for an interesting experience.  To this day you can witness the state's obsession with the issue of abortion that all too often detracts from the very real quality of life issues many experience long after they have been born.  This pathology was on display earlier this year when the state legislature focused on legislation related to the issue.  It often seems this country has several perverse pastimes.  Among them are invading women's uteruses with legislation and invading foreign nations promoting the idea of freedom and democracy.  No wonder so many people are medicated and stressed out!

We all need healthy boundaries from our earliest years of life to develop a healthy sense of self and relationship with the world.  I am committed to creating a healthy life in which I develop the skills necessary to live a life of joy.











Sunday, October 27, 2013

A Life Worth Remembering

Sunday, October 27, 2013


Something has been happening lately that I have found a bit difficult to be present to.  It's actually been happening quite a bit since I returned from my trip to Germany on June 1st.  I find myself waking up in the morning and noticing how my mind promptly begins to swirl with so many thoughts that I could make myself dizzy if I attempted to give attention to each and every one of them for more than a fleeting second.  It's a bit like trying to track the Tasmanian devil character from the Looney Tunes cartoons that I enjoyed watching when I was a child.  Meanwhile I sense this deep sigh arise from my body when my mind launches forward at full throttle.  It feels like there is a split between my body and my mind.  My mind doesn't seem to pay any heed to how exhausting my body finds it when my mind first starts running full steam ahead in the morning.

I have also noticed that listening to the news on the radio when I first awaken is one of the worst decisions I can make.  I suspect I am probably not alone in this sentiment.  Hearing about the ongoing scandal of priest abuse in the Minneapolis-St. Paul diocese does nothing good for me.  Indeed, hearing such coverage only reminds me of the time I spent as a member of the Jesuit order when I was a man in my 20s.  And then I find myself subsequently thinking about how that time in my life was quite a transformative period for me but how I would not seek to define myself by it now.  It feels like a portion of time that was swallowed by a black hole.  Stories of the recent federal government shutdown, economic chaos, accelerating climate change and bodies of missing young women being found in fields also do little to improve my mood.  And it's a good thing they do not.  If somehow they elevated my spirit I would pay even more attention to my current state of mental health than I already do.

I find I need such an incredible amount of time to wake up in the morning and prepare for my day.  On one level this is simply a reflection of what the undertow of a depressive affect does to my capacity to move with some degree of speed.  I find I want to move slowly and relish the experience of actually being alive and having a functional body to move around in.

I want to create a life worth remembering.  And I realize how so much of my most recent life is something I would prefer to forget.  And then, when I appreciate just how deeply that feeling runs, I feel this charged swirl of shock, sadness, pain and anger.  I find myself posing the following question to myself: 'How did I reach this point?'  Indeed, how was it possible that I could be so unaware of such a large portion of my psyche that I had to reach the point of crisis before I would awaken to how much of my interior life was going unacknowledged?  In essence I am asking the age old question of 'How did this happen to me?'  How did I sleepwalk to the seeming edge of oblivion?  It's a very good question.

So here I sit contemplating how to create a new life that is worth remembering.  It is my meta-question of the moment.  And of the hour.  And of the day.  And of the week.  And of the month.  It is indeed a huge question.  It is one I simply must address now.  I cannot postpone my life another day.  I have worked too hard, fought too hard, overcome too many obstacles and dreamed big dreams too often to give up on myself now and settle for a dim version of a vivid and rewarding life.

I am finding it difficult to breathe at this time.  My awareness of this pain is so immense and so conscious that it feels virtually suffocating.  Breathing is the only choice I can make and never stop saying 'Yes' to.  I must breathe and find a way to engage with my life as it currently exists.  I must find a way to engage with the pain within me.  In that greatest darkness is the seed of most powerful light.

It's a good thing I am going to my local MCC congregation shortly.  I need the distraction from my own mind.  Light, buoyant and happy moments are something I need more than ever.

Blessings to all who read this.  May you successfully find your way out of any personal darkness you are struggling with.  Know that you are not alone!


Saturday, October 26, 2013

That Weird Feeling

Saturday, October 26, 2013


So it's a Saturday morning and I am listening to the wind buffeting the trees outside.  Many of the trees now stand stark in their nakedness.  The sky is virtually cloudless so at least there is copious sunshine to counteract the brisk wind that serves as a cutting reminder that the Winter Solstice is only nine weeks away.  I feel a bit disoriented.  It seems only natural I would feel disoriented considering that I stayed in a crisis shelter this past week.  My stay in a foreign yet thankfully (relatively) comfortable place made for some great fodder to reflect on and share here.

One of the strangest aspects of my week long stay was the requirement that a staff member watch me while I shave.  Obviously this policy existed to protect me and the safety of the other residents.  This would also explain why it was not possible to find a single knife in the dining area when it was time for meals.  I was able to leave the building for 'outside' events only after receiving permission to do so from the staff.  If I had taken an extremely negative view of the environment typical of a crisis shelter I could have thought of it as a prison.  Attitude is so important in the healing process as well as in life.  Do the walls around you keep you safe from the outside world or keep you from being able to enjoy the outside world?  It's all a matter of perspective.

It was only natural that I also think about my mother during this past week.  My mother lives in a facility for those with mental illness whose condition is sufficiently treated and stable such that she and the other residents are allowed to go outside in the community with relatively little oversight.  Not long into my recent stay in a shelter I had the thought that I was living a life quite similar to my mother.  This was a sobering thought.  I realize how challenging it has been for me to live a functional and healthy life considering the circumstances I endured for large portions of my childhood.  Chaos and unpredictability (like what many experience on a daily basis in an active war zone) were common fare. It's no wonder I developed PTSD!

I have fought long and hard to become a healthy, kind, compassionate person.  It has not been an easy road much of the time.  Yet despite my difficult circumstances I completed high school, obtained an undergraduate degree and then went on to complete two different graduate degrees.  I have been a productive member of society for much of my life.  And I intend to continue to be such a person.  But I realize now that I need to make some big changes; my old life no longer serves me.  I am being invited to become a new person.  A new phase of life is opening up before me.

A comment a new friend made yesterday remains with me now.  As I parted ways yesterday she mentioned this expectation of relationships not lasting.  I can see within myself that I have harbored this expectation as well.  For a very long while this idea was something I was quite unconscious was within my psyche.  But it makes sense that I would feel this way.  When people enter and leave your life with such regularity that you are reminded of a revolving door it seems only natural that you will develop the belief that 'people do not stay in my life'.  Thoughts that express this theme with different words would include 'People are unreliable', 'People think first and foremost of their own needs and don't think much of others' and 'People cannot be trusted to appreciate and value me enough to stick around'.  These are very self-defeating thoughts.  To hold them as true is to diminish the expansive possibilities of my own life.

Even now, four months after the PTSD diagnosis, I still marvel that I am at this 'place' in my life now.  It somehow doesn't seem possible.  It sometimes seems like I am still living in a bad dream that will not end.  It's something like being trapped in an infinite loop.  And yet I recognize clearly that I do indeed have the power to change the future course of my life.  I must be open to taking risks and experiencing disappointment.  I must be willing to open my heart again and again for if I close it permanently I essentially invite death to take me.  There is nothing but risk in this world.  There are infinite possibilities.  Yet first we must be willing to take the leap and go exploring.

My insights into myself and what I need in this moment in time are continuing to clarify and deepen.  I need to reorient my life around pleasure.  Yet I don't mean to imply frivolity when I say that.  No, I speak of the enjoyment of the rich texture of life.  I need to find ways to feed that boy I was who felt he was virtually starving at times all the while wearing a smile on the outside.  I need to create balance within my life once again.  And to renew my balance I must address the impact of the trauma I experienced in my most formative years.  I am doing that now.  And I cannot clearly see where this path of self-exploration leads.  The layers and complexity of the soul are greater than all the roads we might travel on this planet Earth.  There are so many possibilities.

I need to find a way to honor the grief I carried for so long.  Unexpressed grief is like the element of lead.  Carrying grief is a burden that weighs upon the body, mind and spirit.  Funny what just happened: I made a mistake in typing that last sentence.  It first read: Carrying grief is a burden that weighs upon the boy.  This was true for me.

Autumn seems to be the most appropriate time to exorcise grief.  Grief is something like the chill, dry winds of autumn that dry out the landscape outside our windows and invite all life to enter dormancy.  And lengthy immersion in grief is something not unlike exposure to those autumn winds for a protracted time.  Eventually your spirit dries out and the juicy vitality of your being withers in the face of the onslaught.  It was easy to find my way to this thought this morning; while walking outside I could feel the cold wind stripping the moisture from my face.  It was not a painful sensation but it certainly was something like a sobering one.

Entering the darkest of our darkness can be so difficult.  And yet to rediscover health, vitality and balance we must honor both the light and the darkness.




Friday, October 25, 2013

Wading Into the Deep End

Friday, October 25, 2013


I am in the thick of it now.  I can feel it.

Today I completed an intake to do a two week long partial hospitalization program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  The program offers group therapy during the day; clients are allowed to return home at night.  I enjoyed speaking with the nurse who performed the initial assessment.  I feel good about committing to this program.  It is a short duration program and I am convinced I will feel much better when Friday, November 8th arrives.

I also began attending a six week long men's group this past Wednesday evening.  The group is being facilitated by my therapist.  I am finally beginning to address some of my core issues in a much deeper way.  I have not enjoyed the presence of sufficient healthy male energy throughout large stretches of my life; I am now taking another active step to address this issue.  I feel optimistic that I am moving in the right direction.  The path before me is still quite long but I know I am well on my way for the beginning of this saga back in June now feels like a distant memory.  I received my diagnosis exactly four months ago today.

I am wading into the darkest depths of my psyche now.  Though I do feel some trepidation and anxiety I do not feel any paralyzing fear.  I recognize more clearly now what is happening: I am cleaning out the psychic garbage within me.  Much like one cleans off the desktop of a personal computer and dumps unwanted items in the trash so am I cleaning out my own 'hard drive'.

I am a big fan and student of astrology.  This current time in my life and the themes I am working with were foreshadowed years ago.  Pluto is currently making a square aspect to my natal Moon in the sign of Aries.  This is a powerful time of transformation...this is what such a transit supports.  Here is but one description of this transit.

Pluto square or opposite your natal Moon: This transit indicates a time of emotional turmoil and changes in your most personal relationships. Hidden feelings and past traumas may arise now, begging for your attention. Family crises may occur during this transit. The feelings and emotions brought out now are likely to be ones you never knew you possessed! Jealousy, manipulation, and obsession are likely to characterize your emotional life at the moment. Emotional insecurity and feelings of anger are likely to emerge. The desire to control or manipulate others is present, as is the tendency to engage in power struggles. You, or your partner, may begin to play games in order to deal with these feelings. Personal problems may be remedied, or heightened during this cycle. Holding in your feelings and emotions is not favored at this time, as the pent-up frustration needs to be released in order to make way for emotional regeneration. Your emotional responses may be blown out of proportion during this cycle, and you are vastly more sensitive to even the most minor issue. In the case of the opposition, jealousy, obsession, possessiveness, and control issues may come from others.

I cannot think of better words to describe what I am experiencing right now.  And due to the slow motion of Pluto through the backdrop of the zodiac I will be experiencing this transit through 2015.  Oh joy!



Simplicity


Thursday, October 24, 2013



The stripping that deepens as autumn passes and winter approaches reflects a fundamental process occurring in my life now.  I am stripping out the redundant from my life and looking for that which still serves me.  I am looking within to identify my deepest wounding as the trees outside gradually lose their brilliance and increasingly reveal the barrenness one associates with winter.  In a few weeks there will be little evidence left of this past summer’s glory.  I feel a sigh within my soul.  ‘Next summer’ I tell myself.  Next summer will be one that I will deeply enjoy in a way I have not with the past three.  Yes, the past three!  I have spent much too much time on this dead end road.  It is time to turn in a new direction.

When the grass dies, the trees enter dormancy and all the lushness of summer fades there is a period of time here in the high northern latitudes when multiple hues of brown may predominate before the white blanket of winter arrives.  The stripping may expose other precious aspects of the world we can easily miss when they are covered by the growth of summer.  In a similar way, as I have been stripped down, I see the many gifts I still possess.  I appreciate my eyes in a way I have not for a very long time.

I wish to enjoy the gift of my vision more in the future.  I want to incorporate the beauty of the world into my future life work.  I want to introduce other people to the manifold beauty to be found in nature.  Having traveled to many parts of the planet as distant as Hawaii and Norway I know of the diverse beauty our world reveals to those who have eyes to see.

I also savor my healthy body with a depth of appreciation that I have not previously felt.  My dedication to restoring my physical health has produced some very satisfying results.  I am thankful to no longer be plagued with persistent low back pain.  Committing to a regular discipline of core strengthening has done wonders for my strength and sense of ease.  And it’s easier to address the roots of my PTSD now that I have resolved other issues.  I have been able to gradually clear off my plate of the many issues demanding my attention. 


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Cutting Your Losses in the Spirit of Autumn


Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Life can be a strange road.  Just when we think we have begun to regain our footing after a period of adversity another unexpected development can come along and shake us up even more.  This has been my recent experience.  The last few days have proven to be quite a surprise.  I had never imagined I would be where I am now.  I will disclose that what I am experiencing now reminds me so much of my mother and her life.  I have thought of her often since this past Saturday.

Loss has been omnipresent lately.  Actually it is a common experience we all share each and every day we live.  Yet many people are not conscious of this truth.  When one loss after another after another piles up in succession I cannot help but wonder if an entirely new strategy is necessary to break the momentum of something as grueling as what I have been enduring.  None of us can ever ‘see’ the future with perfect clarity; we are always navigating between future possible realities that we may create through a combination of intention, dedication and will and the current reality that we live within.  All of us can try the imperfect art of prediction; none of us can truly know.

I came across a copy of Robert Bly’s book Iron John yesterday.  Before the day had ended I had read over half of it.  I found myself enthralled.  It offers something I want to begin to engage with more and more.  It offers a way to begin to move beyond psychological thinking to a more expansive mythological thinking.  This intrigues me because it is my firm belief that truly deep healing may be more easily realized when we find a way to contextualize our own lives within the much broader realm of human history and the world at large.

I met Bly at the Minnesota Men’s Conference last month.  It was an enjoyable experience.  I have tasted only the slightest draught of his poetic powers.  The texture of his words and thoughts is manifold.  When I read his poetry I am transported to some place whose dimensions defy description.  The complexity and yearnings of the human heart are given life through Bly’s prolific imagination.

My fascination with mythology began years ago when I was a student of Naropa University in Oakland, California.  In the autumn of 2004 I journeyed to the Netherlands to visit that special place where my paternal ancestry had lived until the 1870s.  The first night I slept in the village of Ootmarsum (the village my ancestry had come from) in the eastern part of the Netherlands I had a most profound dream.  The Celtic goddess known as the Morrigan appeared to me in a dream.  When I awoke the next morning I felt as if I had had a near death experience.  That following morning I awoke and felt I was a very different person.  Though the finest details of the dream may have faded over the last nine years I still remember the profound mixture of exuberance, shock and fascination I felt when my eyes first opened.

In some way it seems to me that psychology added to mythology creates some hybrid discipline that offers so much more explanatory power and wisdom than either discipline can offer in isolation.  As I continue to do my therapeutic work I wish to delve more deeply into the many stories one can find in mythology.  At the present time my greatest interest lies in the stories of Thor.

Summer now seems to be some strange and ancient memory.  The fairly tepid warmth of early October has been blown away and replaced by a sharp chill and some sparse bursts of snow flurries.  Yesterday morning, while on my way to an informational interview, I saw a flow of water frozen on a sidewalk.  This evening, as I made my way to a new men’s group I noticed that the planters in downtown Minneapolis have been changed out since my last visit only a few days ago.  Hardy winter plants are now to be seen everywhere.

Yes, it is already that time of the year.  It is soon to be the time of stasis.  Soon the earth shall be hard and silent.  Soon comes the winter’s rest.  Soon comes the darkness swollen to its greatest power.  It is the time of going inwards.  It is the time of stripping, of saving, of hiding that which we value in the warmth of our sheltering homes.  It is the time to bring in the plants, the dogs and the cats.  It is the time to gaze wistfully at the frosty full moon rising above newly stripped trees and honor the rising of Orion.









Monday, October 21, 2013

Love is the Great Work

Monday October 21, 2013


My apologies to anyone out there who sought out my blog over the weekend and noticed I had not written anything.  It's been an eventful weekend that just ended.  It has also been a distracting one.  I am currently experiencing some circumstances that I would prefer not to be living through.  Thankfully I am still intact and I expect to be so in the future as well.  I'll save the details of these recent developments for another time.

While visiting my therapist today I was inspired by a quote from Hafiz: "Love is the great work but every heart is first an apprentice".  Love is indeed the greatest challenge that we can apprentice with throughout our lives.  In my opinion it is the purpose for our being.  Love is the greatest teacher.  And it is usually easier to write these words than engage with the world in a supremely loving way on a consistent basis.  Love is our greatest challenge and our greatest reward.

I had several productive appointments today.  My last appointment was a visit with a shamanic practitioner.  I feel doing some work outside of the explicit realm of Western medicine will prove very helpful to me.  I sense this intuitively.  And because I have come to appreciate the power and importance of listening to my intuition I try my best to listen to it faithfully now.

I cannot write more at the present time but I will do my best to keep writing this week.

Cheers!


Friday, October 18, 2013

Breaching the Limit

Friday, October 18, 2013


The notion of limits has been a central theme in the recent unneeded drama here in the United States during the federal government shutdown which ended in the last twenty-four hours.  Talk of the debt ceiling and what would happen if Congress failed to lift it in time colored the news and the thoughts of millions both here in this country and throughout the world.  Some astutely described this ridiculous drama as hostage taking.  Threatening to default on the existing bills Congress needed to pay as a bargaining tool in the Republican obsession with defunding Obamacare certainly qualifies as a type of extortion akin to taking hostages.  When our elected officials act like three year olds throwing tantrums you know something is seriously amiss!

I personally would like to create a new life in which I surround myself with people who value my qualities of kindness, compassion and integrity.  It's been a very long time since I have been a part of such a community for an extended period of time.  And this lack of a good support system has really begun to wear on me.

Tonight I feel a mixture of many deep emotions due to an unexpected development earlier today.  My decision to stand firm and pursue some measure of accountability in regards to some harassment I experienced earlier this year has inadvertently become quite complex.  I now find myself faced with a choice in which I feel like whatever I choose will result in a loss to me.  It's a bit ironic I am faced with such a situation so shortly after writing an entry in which I was commenting on the fallacy of zero-sum thinking.  I am struggling to remain optimistic and not see this development in the darkest light possible.

I suppose the one illuminating gift to be found in this current experience is that I am conscious enough now that I see how the present situation is reminding me very much of a persistent theme I experienced in my childhood.  That theme was an omnipresent fear that if I fully expressed myself I would be put down, ignored, assaulted or worse.  I could feel myself somehow catapulted back to my memory of that long stretch of my childhood in which I did not feel consistently safe.  And so much of that time I learned to smile for I was afraid of what might happen if I showed clearly how terrified I often was.








Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Subtext of Gender Within Our Recent (Manufactured & Totally Unnecessary!) National Crisis

Thursday, October 17, 2013


Despite the many challenges I have faced in my life I have also enjoyed many blessings.  One major blessing I can count are the many mentors I have found throughout the course of my life.  I have discovered many of these mentors within my academic education.  And many of them have been women.

One of my most influential mentors is Dr. Pamela Colorado.  Dr. Colorado has made it her life's work to preserve and celebrate the cultures, traditions and wisdom of indigenous peoples.  Her personal commitment to this vision inspired her founding of the Worldwide Indigenous Science Network.  I had the great pleasure of attending residential learning intensives in Lahaina on the Hawaiian island of Maui while a student of the Oakland, California campus of Naropa University between 2003 and 2005.  And it so happened that I was the only male student in the small cohort of students who began the program when I did.  Any man who carries unresolved issues with the role of the feminine in his life might find such a prospect a bit anxiety provoking.  I know I did!

I sometimes wonder why the women of the world put up with us men.  Seriously, do you think it's a coincidence that women tend to live longer than men?  As far as I can tell this is a statistical fact that cuts across many cultures.  Having been in the presence of many women throughout my life I can offer some observations as to what significant distinctions can be found between men and women.  And here is one primary distinction: women do not see the act of compromise as an indication of weakness.  It's my (informed) opinion that women are much more likely to see compromise as a means by which the best of all people and ideas can synergistically mix together such that everyone emerges a 'winner'.  Women are much less likely to interpret compromise as a zero-sum game in which your success automatically implies that another person loses.  If only men could see the world in this way more rather than the black and white thinking that characterizes so much of their thinking and actions.

I myself certainly do not sit on some sort of high horse; I have not 'figured out' the world and now possess some magical answer to offer that will suddenly forever solve my challenges, the challenges of my friends and family and the very pressing challenges that face our world.  It took me a long time to see the ways I all too easily engage in black and white thinking.  And I would further posit that black and white thinking isn't just another way to describe the zero-sum game.  Black and white thinking also is another way to describe all or nothing thinking.  Thinking that another person's win is your loss is one distorted way of thinking.  But thinking that achieving 50% of a personal goal is essentially 0% is also not constructive.  It's more constructive to focus on what you can achieve rather than what you cannot.

All or nothing thinking is plaguing the United States today.  It is reflected in the ideological polarities that recently precipitated the partial shutdown of our federal government.  Taken to its extreme black and white/all or nothing thinking will be our undoing.  And isn't it interesting that the resolution to our most recent manufactured crisis was made possible in part by the collaboration of a group of women?  I I see this as no coincidence.  If you have any doubt about the reality of this just google 'senate women government shutdown'.  You will find plenty of articles.  One good one I just read can be found here.

Considering the marginalization of women that persists throughout human history it truly is wondrous that women engage in their communities to the degree that they do.  Women, in the role of mothers, give birth to all of humanity!  That's certainly not a small task.  They serve as midwives, nurses, doctors, teachers, professors, Senators, scientists and so on.  They clean up our beaches, assist in preparing meals for complete strangers and visit those dying in hospitals and hospices.

The men who serve in Congress (and yes, I believe 'serve' is the term they should keep in mind!) would be wise to take note of the commitment to compromise that proved to be an important element in the (temporary) resolution of the government shutdown.  It's my opinion, and the opinion of many Americans, that this crisis truly was manufactured and completely avoidable.  We need to rediscover a collective willingness to compromise and see the good possible in such an orientation.

I am grateful to all the women in my life who have nurtured and supported me in my own personal development.  Without their love and support I might not be the man I am today.  I ask the women of the world to be patient with us men.  Thank you for all your love and support!



Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Question of Disclosure: Time for a Kinder, Gentler Blog?

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I am wondering if I made the mistake of disclosing a bit too much about myself yesterday when I had an informational interview with a local organization focused on taking people into the wilderness.  I was transparent about my June diagnosis of PTSD; I did not overly fixate on it but I did share the address for my blog.  Given my recent daily postings that contain some very vivid words I would not be surprised if I made a 'mistake'.  I received a response more quickly than I expected in which I was informed there was not interest in considering me further for an internship.  The response seemed a little too prompt.  And thus I find myself wondering.

I suppose I am now at one of those defining moments when I am going to need to consciously choose to focus my attention more and more fully on my own healing and release my anger and grief in a way that is responsible and does not cause any harm to others.  I find this challenging, however, because a central aspect of the quality of the trauma I experienced was a repression of emotion.  I could not grieve the loss of my mother when she became seriously ill and separated from my father in part because my father has such severe limitations in his own ability to be present to 'difficult' feelings.  I was such a small child when the unfortunate disintegration of my parents' marriage occurred that I cannot even easily consciously access the feelings I had at the time.  But the memory of them has been coming back.  And it's quite a thick darkness that I see settled into my very being.

I gained some additional insight into myself today during a massage session.  I came to a deep realization regarding the grief I have carried when my father and mother separated and my mother returned to Germany.  I never really fully ‘resolved’ this experience in a healthy way.  The grief is still inside me.  More importantly, I realize that when my mother left a piece of me went with her.  If my parents were not going to stay together I made some sort of choice to be with them separately.  I split a piece of me off and it went to be with my mother.  In this way I was able to stay with both of my parents even though they themselves were no longer together.  This insight has led me to conclude the assistance of a shamanic practitioner would be very helpful to me in my unfolding process.

I also often feel perplexed as well as a bit anxious when I emerge from massage or therapy sessions and find my vision has become a bit blurred.  I do not know what to make of this other than that perhaps the grief and pain I have carried for so long has a large core behind my eyes.  It’s a bit strange to me.  And it happened again today.

At least I am finally getting to the very core of the darkness I have carried around for so long.  And that is immense progress!  This progress is something I need to celebrate when I feel overwhelmed by the ongoing work of restoration.









Monday, October 14, 2013

The Steamroller of Destruction: Life in the Idiocracy

Monday, October 14, 2013


There are some days when I feel a bit jaded.  Other days I feel very jaded.  I feel quite appalled by what is unfolding in this country.  And thus my written piece for today.  Enjoy!



Welcome to America!  We hope you will enjoy your visit to this nation that once was great!  We have a number of natural and man-made anesthetics especially designed to help you disassociate from any feelings of horror and outrage you might temporarily feel.  We invite you to relax for eventually you will find delight in the mediocrity we exult in on a daily basis.

Did you know that we are no longer a democracy?  Actually we have struggled throughout our history to fulfill the ideals of democracy.  We gave it the 'good college try' for many, many decades.  The Civil War represented a spasm of evolution in which we finally acknowledged owning people was amoral and not in keeping with the ideals of an enlightened society.  We later fought in global conflicts and emerged from them as a 'force for good'.  And for quite a while (a mere one generation or so actually) we actually were a force for good...most of the time.  We even credited ourselves (wrong to some degree according to some historians) with playing a major role in the toppling of the USSR.  Yes, communism ended and many of us thought highly of ourselves.  Some even saw its collapse as an example of the moral high ground of capitalism.

But then the rot set in.  Drink our wonderful Kool-Aid and you'll forget your worries.  Really, you will!

True representative democracy presupposes the existence and predominance of certain grand truths such as the power of the informed and reflective voter, protection of the minority when the majority might take a turn towards the tyrannical and a willingness to compromise.  We have none of those now.  And many of us here are grateful such pillars of democracy have long been undermined and disassembled with a maniacal glee by those frothy mouthed individuals who can think of nobody but themselves and their own narrow interests.  And those who are not yet converted to the wisdom of mediocrity are being thoroughly pummeled into submission by our matrix of institutions designed to reproduce fear, self-loathing and hatred of that dastardly Other.  Yes, welcome to America!  John Boehner should be deemed our new King for Life.  His lack of vision and lack of power is an excellent mirror reflection of our nation as a whole.  And soon we will declare ourselves the Republic of Asshatistan!  Yes, welcome to the world's first declared idiocracy!

Here in Asshatistan we value our Idiocracy!  I'm sure you will agree we meet all these criteria.

+ An obsession with the here and now to the complete exclusion of the future.  If you want to be forward-thinking and imagine anything about the quality of life for future generations then you have no place in our nation.  No, we believe in living in the moment.  And do not mistake that for some wise spiritual practice based in knowing this touchy-feely truth that 'all we have is the present'.  We don't 'do' touchy-feely stuff here in this nation...at least not without the help of some medication.  If you want to see 'living in the moment' just look at our current Congress.

+ An obsession with your own needs to the complete exclusion of others.  The worship of the individual is our great opiate here.  We so firmly believe in the value of individual liberty that we will fight, protest and rail against any efforts to encourage the development of something reminiscent of a social conscience.  Is your neighbor unemployed, sick and dying in the streets?  Well, no matter, for that is happening 'over there'!  That has nothing to do with you!  Don't worry about it!  It's obvious he is not working because he does not want to work!  And it's obvious he is not healthy because he doesn't want to be!  And obviously he is homeless because he likes subjecting himself to varied extreme weather conditions.  Are the people in your neighborhood losing their homes to foreclosure?  Well it must be because they do not work hard enough!  It has nothing to do with something like systemic greed and corruption within the financial sector.  No, we don't believe in that.  And because we do not believe in it it must not exist!

The Gipper (from the 1980s) gave us a good solid introduction to valuing certain lives over others.  He helped change the face of mental health care by deinstitutionalizing the mentally ill and letting them loose into the streets.  Nothing quite like mixing the homeless and mentally ill populations together.  He also represented an awesome case of denial in action by failing to acknowledge the ravages of the AIDS epidemic until years after it started.  Yes, we are awesome at denial!

+ Entertainment is one of our great pastimes.  Upon arrival in our nation you might notice an interesting phenomenon.  It's something we take great pride in.  We get more outraged when football players fail to catch a pass in the end zone then when children die horrific deaths in their schools and neighborhoods.  Actually we like watching violent dramas.  We take pride in subjecting our children to portrayals of the basest of human behavior from an early age.  It's but one way we cultivate mediocrity.  We believe in teaching violence as a primary solution to our problems.  Feel slighted?  Get a gun.  Find your co-worker to be insufferable?  Punch him in the face.  It makes for great entertainment.

+ Self-reflection is not allowed.  We have many mirrors in the homes of our citizenry.  But don't let that fool you.  We don't actually encourage a practice of self-reflection.  No, we believe in what you could call 'the demonization of the Other'.  Have problems in your life?  It must be due to all those lazy immigrants flocking to the borders of our nation who ironically show an amazing willingness to work physically demanding, low wage jobs.  Or maybe your problems are due to the fact that you aren't thin enough, beautiful enough, smart enough and so on.  We worship appearances.  Don't forget that!

+ Lies are awesome.  No, really it's true!  We love to worship fiction so much we have a major television station devoted to promulgating deceit.  By cultivating a capacity for self deception as well as collective deception we establish a great foundation for the mediocrity that is prevalent among our adult population.

+ Stay stimulated.  We offer a variety of means to keep yourself overstimulated and hyper.  Drink coffee!  Watch television!  Get on the treadmill at the gym and run until you virtually collapse.  The faster you move the more amazing you are.  Get a summer membership at your local amusement park and go at least once a week.  Get on every ride and dash about until you make yourself virtually physically ill.  Isn't the feeling awesome?


Yes, we take pride in our Idiocracy.  And we are happy to export our virtues to every corner of the Earth.  Just give us your credit card information and we'll be happy to send you our Mediocrity Kit.
Cheers!








Saturday, October 12, 2013

Yo, Dude, I Have A Question For You: Why Do We Need Federal Government?

Saturday, October 12, 2013


I just listened to a story on NPR about the massive cyclone (named Phailin) that slammed into India today.  According to a separate article it's the strongest cyclone ever recorded in the Indian Ocean.  It has been acknowledged that the Indian government learned from the high death toll caused by another major cyclone in 1999 and was more prepared for the arrival of Phailin.  That is certainly a win not just for the Indian people but also for the field of emergency preparedness.

This current storm reminds me of major storms that have hit the United States including Hurricane Katrina and Superstorm Sandy from last October.  These types of events also remind me of why having a federal government to provide certain resources and assistance is a wise idea.  And it therefore casts an even harsher light on the recent idiocy in Washington, DC as the partial federal government shutdown dragged through a second week.  It still intrigues and disappoints me that people such as those of the Tea Party contingent can be so short-sighted as to believe that shrinking the federal government to the point that you can metaphorically 'drown it in a bathtub' is actually a good idea.

The broader question on display (as evidenced by fighting over Obamacare, the debt ceiling, etc) is what is the appropriate role of government in the lives of people who live in a democratic society as we (supposedly) do here in this country.  I state 'supposedly' because it does indeed appear that the will of a   minority has successfully subverted the democratic process in this nation to such a degree that the federal government has been brought to its proverbial knees.  The GOP has been accused of taking the U.S. economy hostage in submissive agreement to the bizarre vision of the Tea Party.  And the use of such metaphor to describe the dysfunction in DC is very apt in my opinion.  Not only is the United States economy being unduly risked but the entire interconnected global economy is also being put at risk.  But such risk is apparently of minimal consequence in the weird world of Tea Party thinking.

I can't help but think how fortunate this nation is to not be facing a storm the scale of Katrina or Phailin at this exact moment.  Were a storm of such ferocity to be bearing down on the United States Gulf Coast you can be quite sure the din of voices demanding the government shutdown end immediately would be quite loud.  I find it especially ironic that some of the Gulf Coast states that would be most at risk from such a storm happen to be home to a large portion of those who support the Tea Party ideology.  It has happened more than once that members of our own Congress have voted against providing relief to districts severely harmed by such storms when these constituents live in other states.  And yet suddenly the federal government becomes a very good friend when the disaster strikes your own neighborhood!  I cite the example of catastrophic natural disasters as but one affirmative answer to the question: "Dude, why do we need federal government?"

Though I do not savor the idea of wading into the realm of issues related to the military and the Department of Defense I will do so here to offer yet another example of the need for a federal government.  Let me ask you this question to stimulate reflection on the matter: What do you think it would be like if states were left with 100% financial responsibility for the care of veterans returning from conflicts such as those we have been directly involved with in Afghanistan and Iraq over the last decade?  Do you think states should be forced to bear such costs for residents who have served in the military and suffered grave injury abroad?  Can you imagine what kind of budgetary nightmare that could prove to be?  Not only that but you would also be wise to consider the significant differences in the quality of hospital care that a veteran might receive depending on what state is home.  In this sense a federal system (Veterans Administration) can ideally level the playing field such that veterans will more likely get equal care regardless of state of origin.  Anyone who would believe there are not significant differences in the resources states avail their citizens need only look at the diverse responses of states to expand their Medicaid programs (something states later were able to opt out of despite the Affordable Care Act) to realize just how different are the circumstances citizens find across the nation.

Another fun topic is transportation safety.  Imagine if there were nothing like the National Transportation Safety Board.  Imagine if we did not have an efficient and comprehensive mechanism to recall vehicles, keep roads safe and investigate accidents.  Again, how do you think this would all play out if such an important issue were left to the fifty states?  Would you feel as comfortable flying in airplanes or driving in bad weather if your own state had complete responsibility over this issue?  In some states I can imagine it might be easy to feel safe.  But what about the poorest states?

Here is a fourth and final issue that touches each of us every single day.  How would you feel if you knew your food was not being thoroughly inspected prior to your purchase of it?  The current government shutdown is affecting Americans in this way as well.  You can read more about it here.
Here is a related question: Do you have sufficient free time in your own life that you could literally take over the duties customarily left to the FDA inspectors to ensure your comfort with your own food supply?  How many of us have that kind of time?

When I sit and attempt to imagine the mindset of the Tea Party I find myself immediately wondering what type of cultural, economic and social milieu has been an indispensable part of the life experience common to its membership.  I wonder what percentage of them may have had bad experiences of local, state or federal government.  I wonder how much of their opposition to a competent and strong (which does not necessarily mean overreaching/abusive/authoritarian) federal government is driven purely by blind ideology completely unmoored from reason and openness.

Despite my past work experience within the federal government (NOAA) I am by no means an expert on the functioning of the federal government or on government theory.  Nonetheless, given my diverse educational background and life experience I feel I can offer astute observations and questions regarding the place of government in our lives.  And I must admit I am quite appalled when I hear those who would dismantle most everything that helps make our country an educated, safe and good place to live.

And so you may be asking what does this have to do with PTSD?  I speak of these issues to draw attention yet again to the benefits that supposedly derive from being a citizen of a representative democracy in which said citizenship is understood to confer upon those who hold it certain rights and responsibilities.  Do you believe you can lead a healthy and economically secure life in a nation where your national parks are closed, the quality of your food is not assessed and verified by a competent entity, your veterans cannot realistically expect to receive the benefits due to them by virtue of their service and your representatives cannot negotiate agreements that are fundamentally vital to the functioning of said nation?  I find it difficult to feel good about being an American today.  And it is this feeling of unease that makes my own journey of healing more complex and demanding.









Friday, October 11, 2013

Deeper Into the Darkness

Friday, October 11, 2013


The vestiges of summer are being blown away outside.  Strong winds have buffeted the area throughout the day; many trees have lost a copious portion of their leaves in the last few days.  What leaves do remain on the trees throughout the Twin Cities are quickly turning shades of gold, orange and red.  The sun is now a lazy visitor who does not rise until past 7 a.m.  Autumn is most definitely here.

As the darkness grows I am attempting to welcome myself to develop a greater awareness of the darkness I was often carrying within myself as a kid.  Earlier, while taking a nap during some downtime, I found myself once again honing in on that feeling that I finally was able to put words to earlier this year.  It was an expansive feeling of anxiety.  I realize how I felt such a deep anxiety on such a persistent basis during the earliest years of my life.  In these moments where I focus exclusively on this very early time in my life I sense time and time again that somehow I started having an out of body experience.  The anxiety was the factor that led me to seek some sort of solace outside of my body.

I generally feel better as the days and weeks go by.  This is simply a challenging time as I find myself still in the initial stage of realizing the depth of the anxiety I was feeling for such a very long period.  It takes some time to adjust as I attempt to integrate this insight and find a way to create a healthier future for myself.  The process is something akin to dredging up the Titanic from the ocean floor and inspecting the consequences of something so important remaining in the dark for so long.

I have resigned myself to spending much of the autumn and coming winter digging deeply into myself and implementing significant changes such that I can live a much more rewarding life.  I sense this journey is going to be quite a process.  Yes, I could turn back and choose to live a less than full life by stopping my process of self-inquiry now.  But I have too many times tasted the exquisite nectar of a life filled with passion, purpose and health.  I want that.  And I will work with immense determination to reach a more promising place.




Thursday, October 10, 2013

A Post on Guns from December, 2012

Thursday, October 10, 2013


I had my eyes examined today to ensure nothing is amiss with them.  Thankfully this was confirmed.  My examination required my eyes to be dilated.  I am thus staying away from my computer as much as possible tonight.  I welcome you to read a piece I composed in December, 2012.  Considering the failure of substantive gun legislation earlier this year this piece is still quite timely.




Guns and Fantasylands


Much ink has been spilled since the blood of young children was spilled in Newtown, Connecticut last week.  I’ve been reflecting on this horror since it unfolded.  There are so many aspects to the sadness I feel about what happened that it is challenging to disentangle all the threads of feeling and thought I have been aware of within myself.

My purpose in writing is to share my own experience and perspective.  I believe people should have the right to defend themselves.  I also believe that we need a sensible and compassionate discussion about gun control in this nation.  In my opinion that time is very long overdue.

First I have to say that I find it genuinely creepy that I have lost track of what is the cause of flags being flown at half mast here in Minnesota.  Is it being done in recognition of the children who died in Newtown?  Are they still lowered in honor of 31 year old Cold Spring police officer Tom Decker who was killed in the line of duty recently?  Or perhaps they are lowered in honor of two year old Neegco Xiong who died here in Minnesota when his brother accidentally shot him to death using a gun that was stashed behind a pillow.  Do you notice a pattern here?  Yes, these deaths all were the result of use of a gun.  And yet guns somehow necessarily make us safer?  I beg to differ.  And I shall share my own story.  Here it is.

I nearly lost my own father when I was a young boy.  He was shot in our own home while I was hundreds of miles away visiting my grandparents.  My stepmother had an underage boy pull the trigger.  It is only dumb luck that allowed my father to live; one mere inch difference in his position within the doorway in which he was shot would have made all the difference.  My father was not shot because he was threatening anyone whatsoever.  No, he was shot because my stepmother had apparently lost ever moral fiber within her being.  And she apparently found inspiration for her plotting from daytime soap operas.  Anyone who refuses to acknowledge the potential influence that violence in the media may have on human behavior will get a roll of the eyes from me. 

A proposal made by the NRA to place armed guards in schools thus leaves me feeling dubious at best.  It would seem the NRA would have Americans believe the solution to gun violence is to actually increase the presence of guns in our society.  Really?  It would seem we should do something on a national level that would mirror what once unfolded between this nation and the former Soviet Union, namely deter violence through arming ourselves even more.  My own experience, as well as that of so many others, argues against this.

Many arguments have been made about what the true policy issue is that must be corrected.  Some argue it is the presence of guns.  Some argue it’s the inappropriate or excessive use of medications to treat the mentally ill and that we need better mental health resources in communities throughout this nation.  I read an opinion piece in the Minneapolis Star Tribune today arguing we have a major issue with the glorification of revenge in American culture.  Still others look to the dynamics within families and communities in which warning signals are missed until it is too late.  The gender modeling of appropriate behavior has also been examined.  I would argue that all these perspectives have some degree of validity.

Let’s take the example of Newtown and break it all down.  To make my argument I need to introduce the concept of necessary and sufficient conditions.  A necessary condition is something necessary for something to occur but does by itself not guarantee a certain outcome.  A sufficient condition is a condition whose existence does guarantee a certain outcome.  What unfolded in Newtown could not have unfolded without a confluence of events.  The elements of the event include a disturbed young man, a gun, easy access to the gun and a defenseless target population of schoolchildren.  What unfolded could not have happened without ALL these pieces in place.

Much has been written about the mental health of the perpetrator.  This is valid.  But we must necessarily then look at the many factors that can influence a person’s health.  It is interesting to note how perpetrators of mass shootings are often male, frequently feel aggrieved and also were noted to not socialize well.  I think it is therefore timely to explore the issue of how young women and men are developing in our culture.

Yet the tragedy in Newtown would not have unfolded without other important conditions being met.  One of these is the existence of weapons capable of quickly killing others.  A related issue is the accessibility of such weapons.  This tragedy might have been avoided if Adam Lanza had not had such easy access to the weapon he later used.  What always amazes me when mass shooting incidents occur is the trope that individuals drag out arguing that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”  Well yes, that is true, but killing people is made much more feasible with guns.  Seriously, are we to believe that people like Adam Lanza could have easily walked into a school and murdered twenty children if all he had were his own hands to attack them with?  A man like Adam Lanza would have been much more easily subdued had he only had his own hands to attack with.

And so I return to the concept of necessary and sufficient conditions.  Of those I mentioned which was the condition that had to be met for so many children to die?  Adam Lanza used a gun to commit this mass shooting spree.  It thus seems perfectly reasonable that gun regulations must be seriously reviewed.  While the other conditions (his mental state, his family upbringing) are important pieces, it is disingenuous, disrespectful and irresponsible for the NRA to completely avoid any willingness to acknowledge the importance of gun access itself.  In my opinion it is an affront to the memory of the children who died in Newtown.  It is also an affront to common sense.  All the contributing factors to this tragedy must be considered as policy review is conducted.  And that includes the ease with which a young man was able to access a gun.

Now let me return to my own personal example.  What my father experienced could not have happened without a gun present.  Would an NRA advocate have me believe that this incident would still have unfolded in the same way had no gun been involved.  What would my father have been attacked with?  A knife?  Clenched fists?  Last time I checked such methods of attack are more manageable to counteract.

I want to make one more argument as to why we must take up this issue in this country now.  And I will again draw on my own experience.  Place yourself in the minds and hearts of those millions of children throughout this country who are the age of those who died in Newtown.  They look to the adults in their lives as examples of how to think and behave.  They look to their parents and other people in their community to learn how to become responsible adults who make a contribution to society.  They learn from adults about essential capacities including empathy.  Can you imagine what they may conclude if we don’t actually confront these multiple issues?  By doing nothing substantive they may interpret our nation to be one lacking concern for the fundamental needs of children to feel safe and secure.  These are fundamental needs that must be met for children to develop properly.

I can speak directly from my own experience.  After my father emerged from the hospital we had no significant discussion on what had transpired.  My stepmother was never prosecuted for the crime of attempted murder (another story).  I was lied to.  And I came to believe I was expected to ignore what had happened.   I became angry and resentful as a result.  My capacity to trust was undermined.  It took me a long time to heal from the harm of this childhood experience.

Regardless of your opinions about guns I believe we can and should have a national discussion about what we ought to provide our children.  Let me reframe this discussion yet another way.  Those children who died would quite likely have lived sixty, seventy, eighty or even ninety years more.  Imagine the contribution they could have made to our nation and the world had they lived to adulthood.  They will never have that chance.  Our children deserve better.  We as a nation can do better.