Friday, October 11, 2013
The vestiges of summer are being blown away outside. Strong winds have buffeted the area throughout the day; many trees have lost a copious portion of their leaves in the last few days. What leaves do remain on the trees throughout the Twin Cities are quickly turning shades of gold, orange and red. The sun is now a lazy visitor who does not rise until past 7 a.m. Autumn is most definitely here.
As the darkness grows I am attempting to welcome myself to develop a greater awareness of the darkness I was often carrying within myself as a kid. Earlier, while taking a nap during some downtime, I found myself once again honing in on that feeling that I finally was able to put words to earlier this year. It was an expansive feeling of anxiety. I realize how I felt such a deep anxiety on such a persistent basis during the earliest years of my life. In these moments where I focus exclusively on this very early time in my life I sense time and time again that somehow I started having an out of body experience. The anxiety was the factor that led me to seek some sort of solace outside of my body.
I generally feel better as the days and weeks go by. This is simply a challenging time as I find myself still in the initial stage of realizing the depth of the anxiety I was feeling for such a very long period. It takes some time to adjust as I attempt to integrate this insight and find a way to create a healthier future for myself. The process is something akin to dredging up the Titanic from the ocean floor and inspecting the consequences of something so important remaining in the dark for so long.
I have resigned myself to spending much of the autumn and coming winter digging deeply into myself and implementing significant changes such that I can live a much more rewarding life. I sense this journey is going to be quite a process. Yes, I could turn back and choose to live a less than full life by stopping my process of self-inquiry now. But I have too many times tasted the exquisite nectar of a life filled with passion, purpose and health. I want that. And I will work with immense determination to reach a more promising place.
The vestiges of summer are being blown away outside. Strong winds have buffeted the area throughout the day; many trees have lost a copious portion of their leaves in the last few days. What leaves do remain on the trees throughout the Twin Cities are quickly turning shades of gold, orange and red. The sun is now a lazy visitor who does not rise until past 7 a.m. Autumn is most definitely here.
As the darkness grows I am attempting to welcome myself to develop a greater awareness of the darkness I was often carrying within myself as a kid. Earlier, while taking a nap during some downtime, I found myself once again honing in on that feeling that I finally was able to put words to earlier this year. It was an expansive feeling of anxiety. I realize how I felt such a deep anxiety on such a persistent basis during the earliest years of my life. In these moments where I focus exclusively on this very early time in my life I sense time and time again that somehow I started having an out of body experience. The anxiety was the factor that led me to seek some sort of solace outside of my body.
I generally feel better as the days and weeks go by. This is simply a challenging time as I find myself still in the initial stage of realizing the depth of the anxiety I was feeling for such a very long period. It takes some time to adjust as I attempt to integrate this insight and find a way to create a healthier future for myself. The process is something akin to dredging up the Titanic from the ocean floor and inspecting the consequences of something so important remaining in the dark for so long.
I have resigned myself to spending much of the autumn and coming winter digging deeply into myself and implementing significant changes such that I can live a much more rewarding life. I sense this journey is going to be quite a process. Yes, I could turn back and choose to live a less than full life by stopping my process of self-inquiry now. But I have too many times tasted the exquisite nectar of a life filled with passion, purpose and health. I want that. And I will work with immense determination to reach a more promising place.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!