Friday, October 18, 2013

Breaching the Limit

Friday, October 18, 2013

The notion of limits has been a central theme in the recent unneeded drama here in the United States during the federal government shutdown which ended in the last twenty-four hours.  Talk of the debt ceiling and what would happen if Congress failed to lift it in time colored the news and the thoughts of millions both here in this country and throughout the world.  Some astutely described this ridiculous drama as hostage taking.  Threatening to default on the existing bills Congress needed to pay as a bargaining tool in the Republican obsession with defunding Obamacare certainly qualifies as a type of extortion akin to taking hostages.  When our elected officials act like three year olds throwing tantrums you know something is seriously amiss!

I personally would like to create a new life in which I surround myself with people who value my qualities of kindness, compassion and integrity.  It's been a very long time since I have been a part of such a community for an extended period of time.  And this lack of a good support system has really begun to wear on me.

Tonight I feel a mixture of many deep emotions due to an unexpected development earlier today.  My decision to stand firm and pursue some measure of accountability in regards to some harassment I experienced earlier this year has inadvertently become quite complex.  I now find myself faced with a choice in which I feel like whatever I choose will result in a loss to me.  It's a bit ironic I am faced with such a situation so shortly after writing an entry in which I was commenting on the fallacy of zero-sum thinking.  I am struggling to remain optimistic and not see this development in the darkest light possible.

I suppose the one illuminating gift to be found in this current experience is that I am conscious enough now that I see how the present situation is reminding me very much of a persistent theme I experienced in my childhood.  That theme was an omnipresent fear that if I fully expressed myself I would be put down, ignored, assaulted or worse.  I could feel myself somehow catapulted back to my memory of that long stretch of my childhood in which I did not feel consistently safe.  And so much of that time I learned to smile for I was afraid of what might happen if I showed clearly how terrified I often was.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!