Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I am wondering if I made the mistake of disclosing a bit too much about myself yesterday when I had an informational interview with a local organization focused on taking people into the wilderness. I was transparent about my June diagnosis of PTSD; I did not overly fixate on it but I did share the address for my blog. Given my recent daily postings that contain some very vivid words I would not be surprised if I made a 'mistake'. I received a response more quickly than I expected in which I was informed there was not interest in considering me further for an internship. The response seemed a little too prompt. And thus I find myself wondering.
I suppose I am now at one of those defining moments when I am going to need to consciously choose to focus my attention more and more fully on my own healing and release my anger and grief in a way that is responsible and does not cause any harm to others. I find this challenging, however, because a central aspect of the quality of the trauma I experienced was a repression of emotion. I could not grieve the loss of my mother when she became seriously ill and separated from my father in part because my father has such severe limitations in his own ability to be present to 'difficult' feelings. I was such a small child when the unfortunate disintegration of my parents' marriage occurred that I cannot even easily consciously access the feelings I had at the time. But the memory of them has been coming back. And it's quite a thick darkness that I see settled into my very being.
I gained some additional insight into myself today during a massage session. I came to a deep realization regarding the grief I have carried when my father and mother separated and my mother returned to Germany. I never really fully ‘resolved’ this experience in a healthy way. The grief is still inside me. More importantly, I realize that when my mother left a piece of me went with her. If my parents were not going to stay together I made some sort of choice to be with them separately. I split a piece of me off and it went to be with my mother. In this way I was able to stay with both of my parents even though they themselves were no longer together. This insight has led me to conclude the assistance of a shamanic practitioner would be very helpful to me in my unfolding process.
At least I am finally getting to the very core of the darkness I have carried around for so long. And that is immense progress! This progress is something I need to celebrate when I feel overwhelmed by the ongoing work of restoration.
I am wondering if I made the mistake of disclosing a bit too much about myself yesterday when I had an informational interview with a local organization focused on taking people into the wilderness. I was transparent about my June diagnosis of PTSD; I did not overly fixate on it but I did share the address for my blog. Given my recent daily postings that contain some very vivid words I would not be surprised if I made a 'mistake'. I received a response more quickly than I expected in which I was informed there was not interest in considering me further for an internship. The response seemed a little too prompt. And thus I find myself wondering.
I suppose I am now at one of those defining moments when I am going to need to consciously choose to focus my attention more and more fully on my own healing and release my anger and grief in a way that is responsible and does not cause any harm to others. I find this challenging, however, because a central aspect of the quality of the trauma I experienced was a repression of emotion. I could not grieve the loss of my mother when she became seriously ill and separated from my father in part because my father has such severe limitations in his own ability to be present to 'difficult' feelings. I was such a small child when the unfortunate disintegration of my parents' marriage occurred that I cannot even easily consciously access the feelings I had at the time. But the memory of them has been coming back. And it's quite a thick darkness that I see settled into my very being.
I gained some additional insight into myself today during a massage session. I came to a deep realization regarding the grief I have carried when my father and mother separated and my mother returned to Germany. I never really fully ‘resolved’ this experience in a healthy way. The grief is still inside me. More importantly, I realize that when my mother left a piece of me went with her. If my parents were not going to stay together I made some sort of choice to be with them separately. I split a piece of me off and it went to be with my mother. In this way I was able to stay with both of my parents even though they themselves were no longer together. This insight has led me to conclude the assistance of a shamanic practitioner would be very helpful to me in my unfolding process.
I also often feel perplexed as well as a bit anxious when I
emerge from massage or therapy sessions and find my vision has become a bit
blurred. I do not know what to
make of this other than that perhaps the grief and pain I have carried for so
long has a large core behind my eyes.
It’s a bit strange to me. And it happened again today.
At least I am finally getting to the very core of the darkness I have carried around for so long. And that is immense progress! This progress is something I need to celebrate when I feel overwhelmed by the ongoing work of restoration.
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