Sunday, October 6, 2013
A particular personal pattern I have become much more conscious of is in the forefront of my awareness today. I am pondering it because yet again I feel it is undermining my capacity to create and sustain nurturing relationships. My hunger for human companionship and intimacy runs deep.
I won't share the particular details of this most recent experience. What I see clearly is that it seems I demand or expect too much attention in the particular realm of intimate relationships with other men. It seems the energy I offer in such relationship possibilities leaves the other person feeling overwhelmed. I can understand how a person would feel that way. But then I ask myself this: When you have felt virtually starved for attention for significant stretches of your life history how can you find your way back from this consuming feeling of desolation in a healthy way? Imagine being physically hungry for a long period such that you are literally starving and then one day you are suddenly given the amazing gift of a banquet with more food than you could ever eat in one sitting. How do you 'cure' the ravenous emptiness in your stomach without eating so quickly that you ironically make yourself sick from filling yourself up too much and too fast?
This is a fundamental question that sits before me now. It's a great blessing that I have a therapist to engage with as I explore this penultimate challenge. I often feel overwhelmed by this issue as it seems a comprehensive overhaul of my life is needed to effect the substantial amount of change I need. At least I have finally reached the point that I see this issue quite clearly.
When I ponder this theme of deep hunger it strikes me that this powerful feeling is a very natural consequence of my life history in which my most basic physical needs were met in my own infancy but my related needs for the engaged and enthusiastic presence of my parents were not sufficiently met. It's not surprising I feel as I do today. I felt as if I never had enough. And that unconscious core belief of 'I do not have enough' wreaked havoc for many years after my childhood formally ended.
I am also convinced that the tumultuous feelings of sadness, frustration and irritation (which are themselves the result of my unfulfilled deep yearnings) will begin to ease when I finally find a healthy way to address this expansive hunger. Starvation in any form is a horrible experience to endure.
I am going to close out my entry today by getting on my soapbox to decry what the United States federal government shutdown is doing to the most vulnerable among us here in this nation. Check out this article found in Forbes Magazine.
The already minimal food security of nine million women and babies is being impacted by the shutdown. To gain some perspective the states of North Carolina, New Jersey and Michigan all have populations of approximately nine to ten million people. Imagine an entire state with so many people suffering a serious disruption to its food supply. The consequences of childhood hunger and malnutrition can be serious and create long term harm. This is not the way to govern a nation!
A particular personal pattern I have become much more conscious of is in the forefront of my awareness today. I am pondering it because yet again I feel it is undermining my capacity to create and sustain nurturing relationships. My hunger for human companionship and intimacy runs deep.
I won't share the particular details of this most recent experience. What I see clearly is that it seems I demand or expect too much attention in the particular realm of intimate relationships with other men. It seems the energy I offer in such relationship possibilities leaves the other person feeling overwhelmed. I can understand how a person would feel that way. But then I ask myself this: When you have felt virtually starved for attention for significant stretches of your life history how can you find your way back from this consuming feeling of desolation in a healthy way? Imagine being physically hungry for a long period such that you are literally starving and then one day you are suddenly given the amazing gift of a banquet with more food than you could ever eat in one sitting. How do you 'cure' the ravenous emptiness in your stomach without eating so quickly that you ironically make yourself sick from filling yourself up too much and too fast?
This is a fundamental question that sits before me now. It's a great blessing that I have a therapist to engage with as I explore this penultimate challenge. I often feel overwhelmed by this issue as it seems a comprehensive overhaul of my life is needed to effect the substantial amount of change I need. At least I have finally reached the point that I see this issue quite clearly.
When I ponder this theme of deep hunger it strikes me that this powerful feeling is a very natural consequence of my life history in which my most basic physical needs were met in my own infancy but my related needs for the engaged and enthusiastic presence of my parents were not sufficiently met. It's not surprising I feel as I do today. I felt as if I never had enough. And that unconscious core belief of 'I do not have enough' wreaked havoc for many years after my childhood formally ended.
I am also convinced that the tumultuous feelings of sadness, frustration and irritation (which are themselves the result of my unfulfilled deep yearnings) will begin to ease when I finally find a healthy way to address this expansive hunger. Starvation in any form is a horrible experience to endure.
I am going to close out my entry today by getting on my soapbox to decry what the United States federal government shutdown is doing to the most vulnerable among us here in this nation. Check out this article found in Forbes Magazine.
The already minimal food security of nine million women and babies is being impacted by the shutdown. To gain some perspective the states of North Carolina, New Jersey and Michigan all have populations of approximately nine to ten million people. Imagine an entire state with so many people suffering a serious disruption to its food supply. The consequences of childhood hunger and malnutrition can be serious and create long term harm. This is not the way to govern a nation!
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!