Friday, October 31, 2014

What Is Coming Next

Friday, October 31, 2014


As October draws to a close I find myself at the threshold of a very significant month.  I have two major goals in November as well as a number of ongoing goals I first began last year.  My two major goals are these:

  • Compete in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle 2015 competition
  • Offer a retrospective in acknowledgment of the fact that November, 2014 will mark the 25 year anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin wall.

As a means of honoring the significance of November, 1989 in German history I will make Germany the explicit focus of my blog during the entire month of November, 2014.  Throughout my writings I will also intersperse commentary regarding what is unfolding in my own life in the present day.

In 2012 I was awarded a McCloy Environmental Policy Fellowship by the American Council on Germany.  I created an itinerary of consultation visits and ultimately undertook my trip to Germany in May, 2013.  During the trip itself I made time to visit with my (biological) mother, my mother's siblings and my cousins.  Visiting my mother's family for the first time in eleven years (and seeing what had and had not changed in that time) had the unexpected consequence of awakening a grief I had long carried with me regarding the loss of my mother at such an early age in my own life.  Looking back with the benefit of eighteen months of hindsight I see how my trip was the catalyzing force that propelled me back into an active journey of self-inquiry.

It is my conviction that some of the trauma we may experience in our lives is very much cultural in nature.  When an entire culture goes through a trauma (think here of the Irish potato famine, the genocide of the Native American peoples, the Nazi era Holocaust of the 20th century) the legacy of that trauma can have lasting consequences that may take generations to heal.  When an individual or a whole community goes through a profound separation from the culture they have always known it can be a profoundly upsetting and harmful experience.  By writing about German history in general and about the fall of the Berlin wall in 1989 in particular I intend to honor my own life and the lives of my ancestors.

I may not necessarily write every single day in November.  You can nonetheless expect what I hope will prove to be something of a fascinating retrospective on modern German history.

I hope you will join me for what promises to be an eventful month!






Another Dip Into Darkness

Friday, October 31, 2014



It's here...again!  The time of witches, the Great Pumpkin and people walking around like ghouls and zombies (in larger numbers than you expect otherwise) is here!

Last night I watched two movies at the home of a friend here in Minneapolis.  The movies left the viewer guessing what was actually happening due to the cinematography technique that was employed.  In one movie a whole cast of characters actually represented the collection of personalities inside the mind of a man suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder who was about to be put to death due to his gruesome crimes.  In another film we watched a tormented little girl and only confirmed at the movie’s end that her father was indeed her tormentor.  And he was a psychologist!  Distinguishing the difference between fantasy and reality can be quite a challenge.

Today is the day we common celebrate as Halloween here in the United States.  It is an apropos day for contemplating that line that separates fantasy from reality.  You can also reflect on the line separating the living from the dead.  Different cultures acknowledge this time of year in different ways.  Some celebrate this time as Dia de los Muertos.  Translated into English this means Day of the Dead.  In the Catholic Church the celebration of All Saints and All Souls is upon us.  All Saints will be celebrated tomorrow, on November 1st, and All Souls will be remembered on Sunday, November 2nd.

Regardless of the particular manner in which you celebrate or at least acknowledge this time I believe it is fitting that we set aside time to honor our ancestors.  By being rooted in a sense of self that can only be made more solid by honoring our ancestors we can look to our own futures, individual and collective, with a greater sense of resolve, strength and hope.  As my aunt Annette said to me last year during my visit to Germany “Man muss wissen woher man kommt”.  In English this would be roughly translated as “A person must/needs to know where he comes from.”  To know your origins is no small thing.  To revere your ancestors is no small thing.  And yet that can be very difficult for some people…due to a whole host of reasons.

As I have alluded to elsewhere in this blog I did a lot of work focused on building my relationship with my own ancestors earlier in my professional career.  A large majority of this came about due, in part, to the wise guiding care of my mentor, Dr. Pamela Colorado.  When I began studying with her eleven years ago I had no idea what a transformative ride was about to unfold in my life.  At times the journey was exquisitely wonderful.  At other times it was exquisitely painful.  As is clear in my writings there is a lot of pain in the history of my ancestors.  Mental illness, dislocation and violence have all marked my ancestral heritage.  In honor of Halloween I will say this: The trick, if there is one, is to find a way to honor your ancestors for who they were and find the good in them when possible.

Seeing and experiencing the fundamental good within people can sometimes feel like a tall proposition.  I am still working through the damage to my capacity to trust that occurred as a result of my early years of childhood.  I have made a lot of progress.  And to make such progress I have had to do a number of things.  They include:
  • Keeping my recovery my first and foremost priority
  • Balancing out the time I take to do this deep work with mundane, daily things that bring me joy and sustenance
  • Approach my own life and the world at large with a measure of humility
  • Have faith that my life and what I call its ‘unfoldment’ is occurring as it should – this often requires a number of qualities including patience, diligence and tenacity
  • Walk away from harmful situations and disrespectful people 
  • Speak out and advocate for myself…even when I tire of doing so
  • And perhaps most important of all – be willing to fashion a very new life for myself that may look little like the life I am leaving behind.  Such divestment of the past can be a real challenge to the ego!


As my friend Felix gave me a ride home last night I found myself temporarily filled with an immense feeling of sadness.  Perhaps it was the two movies featuring some genuinely harrowing scenes that put me into a somber frame of mind.  Equally possible was the keening wind that buffeted me as I made my way to my own apartment building front door.  The cold and moaning wind from last night was a sharp reminder that the world is indeed entering its hibernation cycle outside.  I find myself already missing the color green.  Except for the evergreen trees scattered about the Twin Cities the world beyond my windows is quickly taking on the monochromatic palette of colors I associate with winter.

I know some of my sadness is also simply related to the long process I have undergone in what I call the adventure of therapy.  Sixteen months is not a short time to be in therapy.  It isn’t necessarily an excruciatingly long time either.  For some people it is more than enough.  For others it may be virtually no more than a beginning.  The length of time that can be recommended for someone to do therapy is very much contingent on a whole host of factors unique to a person’s situation.  I have been gratified to have my therapist tell me he hasn’t really ever seen someone heal as quickly as I have.

As I go about my day today and see innumerable reminders of the festivities of Halloween I will make it my own focus to recall my ancestors (both those passed away and those still alive) and think on the goodness they brought into the world.  I invite you to do the same.

Cheers!



Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #36

Healthy activities for today:

§  I ate lunch with a good and loyal friend
§  I helped same friend with a little project of moving a piece of furniture
§  I went out to an awesome party

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Being Tossed Under The Bus

Thursday, October 30, 2014


Yesterday was a memorable day.  I had a major breakthrough.  I also experienced a major letdown.  What did the two experiences have in common?  They both had an implicit theme of trust as subtext.  The Catholic Church came through for me in a big way.  And my family of origin did not.  So I experienced something of a healing.  And I also experienced something of a re-wounding.

To understand what the betrayal of your trust can feel like I invite you to read an article about the issue of police corruption.  It can be found on the Politico website here.  Frank Serpico, a former New York City police detective, recounts a horrific trauma from his own life that took place in the line of duty.  Who ultimately came to his aid?  It wasn't his fellow officers.  Not only did they not call for assistance (other police officers) they didn't even call for an ambulance.  The person who may ultimately be realistically credited with saving Serpico's life was, according to Serpico's own recounting, an old Hispanic man.

According to Serpico no investigation was done regarding the failure of his police officer colleagues to provide him back-up let alone call for medical assistance to prevent him from possibly losing his life.  Serpico is now 78 years old.  He still carries bullet fragments in his head from the incident that could easily have claimed his life more than forty years ago.  Some might consider him one of the 'lucky' members of that population of people who have experienced the horror that can result when others fail to come to your aid.  He actually survived an experience of trauma and what any objective person could realistically call police misconduct.

Police misconduct strikes a special spot within me.  Why?  Because I was indirectly (and yet profoundly) impacted by police corruption.  As I have recounted elsewhere here in my blog I nearly lost my father to the horror of attempted murder when I was an eight-year old boy.  And the trauma of this horrifying event was further compounded when my stepmother was never prosecuted for attempted murder.  And this failure of justice was intimately connected to corruption in the local municipal police department.  Only in the most recent year of my life did I come to fully consciously recall the terrifying worry and fear that filled up my mind for a long time: I was skeptical I would live to the age of nine.  For those of you new to reading my blog you can see how I focused on that summer of 1982 during this past summer.  Thirty-two years may have passed but I am still working through what that time in my childhood did to my sense of self.  Just like the story of Frank Serpico I felt nobody had my own back.  This trauma became the source of much of my cynicism and skepticism about the value of entrusting my safety in others.


Yesterday, for better or worse, I confronted some of my family of origin regarding some of what I endured when I was a kid.  And what I referenced in that communication isn't even listed in what I have recounted above.  Instead I referenced the issue of volatility with my father.  I'm convinced some of my own father's difficulties in expressing anger or frustration in a healthy way is due to the fact that (as I understand it) his own father did not model such skill very well (if at all?).  Like many a teenager I had my moments when I engaged in a war of wills with my father.  But my father's anger could be so off-putting.  And so yesterday I referenced a time when my father had been genuinely verbally abusive.  And now, years later, I can't even recall what provoked his upset.  But the what of the matter is not so important anyhow.

I made my recounting yesterday using the medium of e-mail.  The response from one of my uncles was swift and blunt.  I didn't even open the full e-mail.  The first line of his response which was visible in my in-box made it clear what the nature of his response was.  The quality of his response was the same it has been previously.  His response was suffused with anger.  As has happened before he has refused to engage with me in any authentic discussion whatsoever regarding the issues of past abuse and trauma I experienced.

My question as to how such good Catholic people can simultaneously play silent witness to such needless and preventable suffering thus continues to go unanswered.  That is nothing new.  What is new is that I will no longer tolerate it.  If my questions are to go forever unanswered and my queries even met with blistering anger and even rage then I will take the business of my life elsewhere.  It saddens me immensely to do this.  But then again what should I do when members of my family of origin will not accord me the dignity of compassionate listening devoid of defensiveness and reactivity?

......

I am convinced nearly all of my cousins (in my father's family) have no idea what I endured.  And why should they?  It would not have been a healthy choice for my father's siblings to tell their own children about the horror my father endured...and which I involuntarily underwent with him.  Scaring children with such frightening and true tales isn't a good thing to do.  And yet I was caught in the middle.  I felt I was metaphorically tossed under the bus.

......

I find corruption so incredibly sad because its impact can be so far and wide.  Here I am a grown man some thirty years after these horrors came to pass and I still am working out the impact of this trauma in my own therapy.  I am cleaning up the psychic trauma that I experienced due to the bad choices of others.  And those bad choices were made by members of my family as well as institutions such as law enforcement.  I learned very early on just how fallible human beings can be.

I am convinced my father and his siblings will never substantially change their perspective on how to live and how to deal with trauma, abuse and other horrifying issues.  I chose to part ways and not spend my time among those who would live in such a way.  In my opinion it is deeply irresponsible to ignore such deep suffering in your own family.  I also believe it isn't ethical.  And I certainly don't believe it aligns with those who are truly following the teachings of Jesus Christ.

It wasn't until my forties that I began to find my own voice.  That is better late than never.

......

And yet yesterday was also an amazing and healing day.  I allowed myself to trust and reach out to an institution I have previously had a mixed experience of.  I found help from the Basilica of St. Mary.  And this would never have happened if I had not asked for help.

If you are suffering there just might be a way out of it.  Don't give up!  You may be going through something profoundly painful.  Many humans do.  But there may be a solution to what ails you.  Don't ever give up!  And remember to enjoy the sunshine the next time the sun shines on your face.  The sun lit up my face once while I was writing this entry.  It was a lovely reminder that warmth and love can be found.  It's learning to believe this is indeed true that can be so difficult.


Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #35

Healthy activities for my day:

  • I maintained my focus on writing despite recent significant levels of stress
  • I decided to finally and decisively walk away from trying to resolve issues I have with certain members of my family of origin by attempting to engage them in conversation
  • I went to the YMCA and exercised

















Wednesday, October 29, 2014

A Broadside To My Recovery

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


I was fortunate to have a session with my therapist last night.  I am not handling the consequences of the last few disappointing weeks of my life very well.  Indeed, I perceive that the progress I have made in my recovery is at risk.  I have worked diligently for the last sixteen months.  And I keep thinking it is not unreasonable for me to expect more progress to have occurred than what has actually happened.  But maybe I am holding unrealistic expectations.  I do not know.

I awoke early this morning so I could walk downtown and get some work done.  One of my favorite places to hang out is near the water feature inside the IDS building in downtown Minneapolis.  I rarely find the sounds of water disconcerting.  On the contrary water sounds usually help me to relax.  I need all the relaxing influences I can enjoy at the moment.

Yesterday I decided to give up on the promised assistance of a person I considered to be a friend.  This was not the first time my trust has been seriously violated by another individual.  But I would like to make it the last time it happens.  The wounds I experienced as a child due to the repeated violation of my trust have been opened up by this recent unfortunate experience.  I can tell I feel I am experiencing a setback because symptoms I associate with PTSD have been bothering me in the last several days.  I have been irritable, anxious, spacey and have sometimes felt as if I am not fully in my body.  I take some comfort knowing I have a good care team in place to assist me.  I also take some comfort knowing that no person can take from me the contribution I have made to both myself (and my recovery) and the world as it exists in the form of this blog.

I want to view what is currently happening in my life as a temporary setback rather than the beginning of a complete regression and loss of all the progress I have made.  I do indeed feel that a large measure of my anxiety is unwarranted.  My physical health is much, much better than it was six months ago let alone a year ago.  I have earned the rewards that come with being diligent about exercise.

My work life has been another matter altogether.  Even though I have made some sort of contribution to society this year, and some of it has even held some deeper meaning for me, I still feel quite dissatisfied with my work life.  And this has been the truth of my experience for years.  I cannot continue to go on living in this way.  I am doing everything in my power to find the career I have worked diligently to create.  There are days when I feel I will reach my goals.  And then there are days when I feel I am fighting against time as well as large forces that cannot be bargained with.  Some of those forces are globalization as well as the political and economic polarization within this country that has gone on for a number of years.  America seems to have become a home for CEOs and gated communities.  What can poor people expect in a nation with such horribly bad priorities?

Anyhow, here within my own skin I am doing everything I can to make a better life for myself.  I gave a lot to society (often in the form of volunteer work) earlier in my life.  At the time I did so due in part to my beliefs that it was the right and moral thing to do and also that my generosity would return unto me in forms that would sustain me as well.  I was magnanimous for both altruistic and personal reasons.  I believe such is often the underlying motivation in much human benevolence.

I hope a reversal in my current experience of hardship comes soon.  My patience sometimes wears a bit thin as I continue to do my own personal work.  I believe I can have a good, rewarding life filled with love, prosperity and vocational success.  But I still need help getting there.  May all my needs be fulfilled forthwith.


Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #34

My healthy activities for today:

  • I decided to take a humble approach to my recent troubles by being broad-minded in my search for some assistance
  • I spoke from my heart and authentically when I met with a local organization that provides a lot of good resources to the community
  • I said thank you when I was offered assistance











Tuesday, October 28, 2014

A Stripper Named Autumn

Tuesday, October 28, 2014



The peak of fall foliage season here in Minnesota has now passed.  Many of the trees still have leaves on them.  I frequently notice them when I am outside.  Some leaves cling completely alone on branches that are otherwise bare.  They twirl and flutter in harsh gusts of wind.  Other trees are already completely bare.  I find myself beginning to more and more appreciate the color green as it rapidly fades away.

Autumn is most certainly the ‘stripper’ of the seasons.  Autumn is that time of year when we are reminded of the wisdom and necessity of occasionally letting go.  We simply must let go of the old if we are to be open to the new.  Such has it always been.

The current glitch in my own recovery process has also reminded me of the stripping time of autumn.  It’s quite obvious I have felt a bit stressed as of late.  When I become overly stressed it is easy for me to feel spacey, struggle concentrating on what are usually simple tasks and even feel a bit jittery.  These are not fun sensations to have.  A few times in the last week I have caught myself fearing that I might experience a genuine relapse in my progress.  Thankfully I have been able to step outside the swirl of my thoughts and decisively focus on what must be done to ensure I fulfill my basic needs first and foremost.

……

One of the immense gifts of my current health insurance coverage is the fact that my policy provides transportation assistance to and from medical appointments.  I am currently in a taxi cab on my way to my appointment with my therapist. 

I am going to have plenty to share tonight.  How it is that sixteen months of diligent work could be at serious risk of loss after a mere two weeks of excess hardship doesn’t really seem possible.  Is my recovery really that vulnerable to an unexpected setback of limited time duration?  I would like to think that it isn’t.  But I can still tell where some of my core wounds came from.  Disappointing periods such as the last two weeks remind me that I rarely felt I had someone reliable I could go to as a child when I felt hurt, upset, scared or confused.  My father lived in such a realm of denial.  Looking back I have come to believe he simply could not see how much harm he had caused by some of the poor choices he made.

There is essentially nothing I can do about that past history now.  I need to find a way to mourn what never was so I can open myself more fully to what can still be.  There is so much potential in my future life.  I need only focus and find the support I need to realize it.

And yet I still feel the anxiety and frustration that is not uncommon to those recovering from trauma.  Healing is sometimes a massive project.  Healing from deep trauma is not for the faint of heart.


Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #33

Healthy activities for my day:

  • I went to see my therapist
  • I continued to do my best to pace myself 
  • I paid mindful attention to the stream of my thoughts and reminded myself I can consciously choose how I respond to difficult situations



Monday, October 27, 2014

At A Threshold: Is Sixteen Months Of Progress At Risk?

Monday, October 27, 2014


In my blog post this past Saturday I noted how it had been exactly sixteen months since I was given a diagnosis of PTSD by my therapist.  It took me several months to begin to get my life in order.  The process of stabilization became my primary focus through the end of 2013.  When the calendar year of 2014 began I felt a deep hopefulness that my progress forward would continue.  And it generally has.  But then this month happened.

In the last two weeks I have experienced a reversal of circumstances so immense that I feel the immense growth I have undergone in the last sixteen months is now in jeopardy.  Yes, sixteen months of progress seems at risk of toppling.  How did I find myself nearly back at 'square one' in such a short time?  It is definitely due to a combination of circumstances.  Those circumstances are illness, unemployment and the slow motion behavior of a number of institutions.  As each day of the last two weeks has passed I have felt more and more challenged to maintain my faith that everything I have worked for will not be lost.

It's sobering and disheartening to find myself feeling as if I might land back at square one.  I have endured immense loss these last sixteen months.  I have walked away from my paternal family of origin due to my family's inability to truly listen to me and acknowledge the very real harm done to me by the neglect, abuse and deceit I experienced.  That loss was, by itself, huge.  I also set aside my past professional aspirations in order to give myself time to contemplate what I really want from my life in the future.  I have allowed myself to let go of so much and I have done so, in part, due to my belief that I need to let go to make space for something better to enter my life.  The new cannot come to be if the old is still hanging around.

I have been patient and steadfast in the face of concurrent physical, emotional and financial challenges. I have withstood stress as well as the unjustified treatment of both (former) friends and strangers.  And lately I am asking myself when all my patience, striving and determination will finally pay off.  Yes, I have successfully restored my physical health.  And my mental health has been improving since I began going to therapy last year.  But something bigger and brighter simply has to come to inhabit my life soon.  I need a breakthrough and I need it soon.


Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #32

I am taking care of my health today by:

  • Breathing intentionally as frequently as possible
  • Eating wisely
  • Remembering, as best as I can, to have compassion for myself



Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Feeling of Relief

Sunday, October 26, 2014


I did not realize how much my recent respiratory infection had stressed me out until I finally made my way back to a yoga class today.  I feel much more relaxed and very grateful I attended.  Myra is an excellent instructor.

Today has been another amazingly beautiful autumn day here in Minnesota.


Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #31

  • I organized my wardrobe and set aside some clothes for delivery that no longer fit
  • I enjoyed some social time with a new friend
  • I attended a yoga class



Saturday, October 25, 2014

A Second Adolescence


Saturday, October 25, 2014


Yesterday evening I had the great pleasure of witnessing a good friend get much of his head shaved.  The event took place at a local bar called The Saloon.  I got to see many good friends from the local leather community.

Events such as what took place last night feed my psyche and spirit in a way that few things can.  The fun and camaraderie I experience are something I need to continue to make a priority in my current and future life.  And I need to do so in part because they were so lacking in my earlier life history.

I have recently referenced the wondrous world of astrology here in my blog.  Those of you in the know will know we have been enduring a Mercury retrograde phase these last few weeks.  I myself have been affected by numerous delays due to the slow operations of other people and institutions.  It has been a retrograde phase period I would rather forget.  Today I am going to reference the writings of Erin Sullivan’s book Saturn in Transit to speak about the notion of a second adolescence.

It is my impression that deep trauma can cause us to become at least partially ‘stuck’ at developmental phases or milestones after they are expected to chronologically end.  When we become highly stressed later in life the stress can, in my opinion, cause us to respond in ways more typical of the developmental phases we have become somewhat mired in.  I have witnessed this in myself.  I have spoken about this phenomenon with my therapist.  And I have seen this unfold in other people when severe stress precipitates what I would call the adult version of a temper tantrum.  The consequences of severe stress can thus compound upon themselves and ultimately lead us to places in ourselves we would rather not journey to.

In Saturn in Transit, Erin Sullivan uses part of her book to tell the story of Saturn’s influence throughout the unfolding of a person’s life.  The nature of Saturn’s movement is such that Saturn makes one revolution about the sun in the equivalent of approximately thirty Earth years.  She breaks down human life into seven year increments which roughly correspond to one quarter of a single Saturn cycle around the sun.

What I find especially fascinating is what seems to be a common occurrence once people pass the age of thirty.  Once a person experiences the Saturn return at the age of thirty Saturn will begin visiting the same places in a person’s astrology chart as occurred thirty years earlier.  And it seems that unresolved or poorly addressed issues from a person’s life thirty years in the past may become colorful and urgent phenomena in the present reality of a person’s life.  It thus follows that a person of thirty-five may find himself unwittingly revisiting his childhood when he was five.  A forty-year old may recall the time when he was ten years old.  And so it goes.

Sullivan says the following about the time between the ages of forty-five and fifty-two:

“The initial stage of the Saturn opposition can also give one the courage to shrug off social expectations and pressures.  That the period has been called ‘the second adolescence’ clearly shows that childhood and adolescence can be revisited.  People who had extremely difficult childhoods, or had their adolescence cut short in some way, find that they can recapture their lost years.  There are many ways one can ‘lose’ one’s childhood or adolescence.  An abused child (whether that is sexually, emotionally, or physically) is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence.  There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all.”

There is so much astute observation and wisdom packed into this single paragraph that I could easily spend an entire day reflecting and writing on what thoughts and feelings it inspires in me.  I completely agree with Sullivan’s assertion.  As I noted above, developmental milestones (ergo critical thresholds) that go unlived, unacknowledged or uncelebrated can go on to virtually haunt a person later in life.  Sometimes the un-experienced joy, celebration or acknowledgment may be so dimly and vaguely felt that a person can barely identify what is the cause of his sorrow or sense of alienation.  But in other cases the gap in a person’s healthy development is so blatantly obvious that discerning what is the source of immense sorrow is quite easy.  I would definitely fall into the latter category.

I thankfully never had an alcoholic parent.  But I was exposed to a significant amount of mental illness and dysfunction.  And I see more clearly than I ever have that this experience did indeed distort who I felt I was and who I felt I could be.  I didn’t feel all that comfortable going out and socializing with my friends due to the fact that I felt such anxiety about my father and his earlier pattern of making poor choices.  And so from the approximate age of nine until the time I left home at the age of seventeen my pre-teen and adolescent years were strongly influenced by an anxiety borne of a fear that my home life would again become a house of chaos.  I thus stayed at home and hung out amidst my parents more than is healthy for a teenager to do.  I did so in part due to a mistaken belief that I could and should hang around the house because I was somehow responsible for my father’s safety.  But this belief was distorted and distorting.  As Sullivan notes a child who cares for a parent during his childhood loses out on something vital.

I clearly see that I am now attempting to do what I couldn’t do as a kid.  I am attempting to ‘recapture a period in…life which was truncated or never lived at all.’  And it is this desire to make up for lost time that sometimes overwhelms me.  I occasionally feel I have a lot of lost time to make up for.  It’s a sobering feeling to gradually realize the thoughts and feelings that predominated years of your earliest life were unpleasant at best and often painful at worst.

In sessions with my therapist we have repeatedly spoken of the concept of the mature adult self.  When done with conscious awareness I do indeed believe it is possible to live out a ‘second adolescence’ in such a way that minimizes the poorly discerned risk taking that can unfortunately sometimes characterize the first adolescence.  And yet risk taking is indeed a vital aspect of life regardless of what chronological age we are.  To live each day is to take risks.  Many times we may be unaware of the risks we take because they are so minor in the vast scheme of our lives.  A life devoid of the courage required to take large risks is, in my worldview, a dull life indeed.

As I continue to address the trauma of my early life history it’s clear I need to pay attention to the voice of my nine year old self who unwittingly began journeying down a developmental road that wasn’t the best.  I sometimes consider it a miracle that I not only survived to my adulthood but that my alienation and anger did not fester so deeply such that I became a reckless, violent and destructive teenager and young adult.  I very well could have become such a person.  But I held fast and resisted the temptation to let the anger within me conquer me.  But it did damage nonetheless.  I developed a false persona as a way of passing and making it through each day.

I have given myself an incredible gift in the last sixteen months.  I have given myself the gift of a great unwinding.  I have given myself the gift of self-inquiry, improved self-care skills and joy.  I am living out a second adolescence and, if Sullivan’s rendering of the typical chronology of such things is accurate, I am ahead of schedule.  The second adolescence seems more appropriate to the lives of people in their mid and late forties.  Such a time period corresponds to roughly thirty years after the first adolescence.  When Saturn comes round again watch out!

I received the diagnosis of PTSD exactly sixteen months ago today on June 25, 2013.  It has been quite a whirlwind journey of transformation.  I am looking forward to becoming the person I have always wanted to be.  The deep work before me now involves really tuning into the dreams I had in my earliest years of life.  Who did I want to become?  Who can I still become now?  These are not small questions.  But with sufficient and consistent support I do believe I can find my way.

Healing is possible.  It isn’t always easy.  But you can heal your life and create a bigger, brighter future.




POST SCRIPT

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #30

§  I did my best to remain patient in the face of frustrating delays and confusion
§  I ate a healthy dinner
§  I went to bed early as an act of responsible self-care


Friday, October 24, 2014

Inequality for All!

Friday, October 24, 2014



Last night I attended an event at the Basilica of St. Mary.  The event consisted of a presentation of the documentary “Inequality for All” and was followed by guided discussion in both small groups and later the entire audience as a whole.  I attended the event because I have become deeply concerned about the issue of growing inequality in this country.  You might not have noticed it but inequality has been a growing problem for decades now.

Complex issues such as inequality often defy easy explanation as well as quick and simple solutions.  The documentary often rendered inequality here in the United States as very much a phenomenon of unequal compensation for work.    Statistics were offered to substantiate the claim that income inequality has grown substantially in recent decades.  The reasons behind the growing gap between the wealthy and the poor were also touched upon to some degree.

Before I get ahead of myself it is wise, as it is in any discussion focusing on a policy problem, to define the parameters under consideration.  Defining the problem itself is thus critical.  But even here there is some matter of disagreement.  First of all how do you define inequality?  Is inequality merely a matter of disparity in wages paid for work done?  Is inequality something a bit less tangibly rendered? 

For example, would it be more appropriate to describe inequality as the gap in access to opportunity?  When healthcare, higher education and quality housing become increasingly unaffordable to an ever growing segment of the population I think it is necessary to step back and also conduct a simultaneous dialogue on the concepts of need, the American Dream and the proper role of government in society.  To my knowledge interest in these topics has grown in recent years after the economic meltdown of 2008.  If meeting your basic needs for food, shelter, healthcare and education become increasingly cost prohibitive what does that say about the priorities of your community, state and/or nation?

The issue of inequality is of great interest to me in part because I feel I myself have struggled to not get left behind.  Despite my excellent skill set and educational history I have struggled to find a job commensurate with my abilities.  And I have looked for such a job for three years in more than one market here in the United States.  The reasons for the transformation of the American workplace are many.  And the documentary did a decent job acknowledging two major issues.  Those issues are technological advancement and the destruction of the power of unions.  I will not get into those issues here as I wish to focus my writing a bit differently.

Both during and after the documentary screening I composed my own list of what I see as some of the major problems in American society that are directly relevant to the issue of inequality.  My ideas appear below.


SOCIETY LEVEL PROBLEMS

Three major issues were at the forefront of my thoughts.  These are the orientation of our society, gender and a cultural norm related to communication.

The orientation of our society

A number of years ago I read a fascinating book entitled God Is Red by Vine Deloria.  Deloria was a respected Native American writer and thinker who, partly by virtue of his background, was able to stand outside mainstream American culture and offer insightful critique.  I do not find this surprising as the Native American population all too often suffers incredibly high rates of poverty, unemployment, alcoholism and other social ills.  I witnessed these issues firsthand while living and working on the Rosebud Reservation in South Dakota in 1997.

At another point I saw a recording of an interview done with Deloria.  He spoke of how American society is often a rights based (or focused) society as opposed to what could be called a ‘responsibilities society’.  I found his assessment to be scathing, timely…and correct.  One need only look at some of the major policy issues featured in our national discourse in the last number of years to appreciate the wisdom of his observation.  I will briefly mention two examples to illustrate my point.

Gun control is an excellent example.  All too often the debate around gun violence and gun control legislation devolves into one dominated by people virtually screaming about their ‘rights’ to protect themselves, their family, their property and so on.  Rarely do you hear any voices rise above the din that speak of our individual and collective responsibility to treat one another fairly and respectfully and perhaps thereby lessen aggression and violence.

Health care is another good example.  During the overhaul of the American healthcare system (that came to be one of President Obama’s signature achievements (or debacles depending on whom you speak with)) there was much discussion about outcomes in health care, the costliness of our healthcare system and the like. 

The right to access quality, affordable healthcare was even discussed.  But yet again the underlying bias Deloria speaks about is present if you have ears to pay attention to what was not said.  Rarely was there any discussion as to whether the creation and maintenance of an accessible and affordable healthcare system was the collective responsibility of our populace.


Gender

If you read my blog regularly you will notice certain thematic strands in my writings.  One focuses on the matter of gender.  Put simply I often find myself asking “Where are all the men?”

Last night I believe I found more of an answer to that puzzle.  Put succinctly the men are likely not showing up, in part, due to the issue of wage stagnation that has gone on for the last three decades.  Why should men feel motivated to get an education and enter the workforce when their earning power has not kept up with inflation for nearly a generation?

The stagnation of incomes among working men partly explains why there was a sudden influx of women into the workforce some thirty to forty years ago.  The documentary indicated a major reason women entered the workforce in such an unprecedented way was in response to the stagnating incomes of their male counterparts.  Women, in essence, made up for the declining earning power of men.  And what unfolded as a result was a social (and very gendered) revolution.  Today it is normative to find women in the workplace.  Indeed, women are recently passing the men in the population according to a number of measures.


A talking culture

I long ago became very disenchanted with mainstream American media.  Why?  There are many reasons actually.  I will share one of them here.  We are a talking culture rather than a listening culture.  You might think that the proliferation of talk shows, wireless communication devices (cell phones, PDAs, blackberries) and the Internet would indicate we are a culture that excels at communication.  And in a sense we do.  But I find much of that communication consists of talking at and over one another rather than to one another.  Honestly, ask yourself how consistently you feel people take the time to truly listen to you throughout the course of your day.

Media such as Fox ‘News’ (I cannot and will not take that source of media seriously as they are so obviously a prime purveyor of the political Right’s biased talking points) regularly presents what I am referencing here.  Long gone seem to be the days when people engaged in a debate would actually grant you the courtesy of fully listening to you before responding.  Instead we have a culture whose media has all too often come to be characterized by churlishness and pettiness.



ACCOUNTING FOR COSTS

Anyone who has taken even rudimentary economics coursework knows that a fundamental problem that often appears in any number of scenarios is that of proper accounting for costs.  When a product or service is created and placed in the marketplace for purchase it will have some associated cost.  This cost will influence supply of and demand for that product.  But serious problems may develop when the full costs of that item are not appropriately accounted for.

I thought the documentary did a poor job in regards to exploring the issue of the deeper and longer term costs of pervasive unemployment, underemployment and limited access to opportunity.

I can speak from experience when I state that unemployment and limited access to opportunity can result in a whole range of undesirable consequences.  The documentary made no reference to correlations between unemployment (short and long-term) and social ills such as alienation, crime, domestic violence, health issues (such as depression), the full implications of lowered earning capacity over time and social and community instability that may be aggravated when large numbers of people are put out of work.

I would like to see more research on the implications of unemployment and reduced access to opportunity in regards to these social problems.  When we do not properly account for the full range of consequences when making a certain policy choice we may ultimately experience the law of unintended consequences at work.


CORRUPT INSTITUTIONS

I don’t think it would be considered news to many Americans that many of their fellow Americans feel distinctly uneasy and even mistrusting of major institutions in this country.  Whether it’s the Supreme Court, our Congress (which I have written about numerous times: look here, herehere, here and here for but a few examples), our law enforcement community (Ferguson, Missouri as latest example) or the response to the Ebola virus within our national borders it seems we Americans have very good reason to be highly skeptical of the quality of the institutions that should supposedly be serving ‘we the people’.


……


So now, as I always try to do, I am going to tie the topic of inequality to the matter of trauma.  So what is the connection between the two?  I would wager the following:

Trauma can be a very debilitating and isolating life experience.  As such effective treatment requires a strategy consisting of measures to address debilitation and potential isolation.  When people drop out of life altogether the increased risk such opting out may cause to their overall well-being is, in my opinion, significant.  People need to belong to their communities.  People need to have a purpose and reason for getting out of bed in the morning.  And what they do for work is certainly an important part of that puzzle.

I took a number of months away from the workforce to focus on my own healing last year and earlier this year.  Looking back I am glad that I did so.  And yet, once I went back to work, I can say I am also glad that I did so.  Being unemployed can be a very sobering, alienating and depressing experience.  And this can be especially true for those of us who strongly identify our very lives with our vocational lives.

It’s my opinion that the serious issue of inequality could very well be much more damaging than the documentary managed to portray.  For those who encounter multiple obstacles to full employment (and those who have been traumatized or are in recovery certainly can fall into this category) a system they perceive as being rigged against them can prove all the more daunting to engage with.

I count myself extremely fortunate to live in a state such as Minnesota in which the political atmosphere is fairly progressive.  I have been especially grateful (and yes, even inspired) to live in a state where I can enjoy the benefit of very good insurance coverage.  I believe it not an exaggeration to state that I could very well have ended up out on the streets last year when I suffered my health crisis in the summer of 2013.  I am grateful that many Minnesota residents have relatively progressive values.


People who survive serious trauma often need a lot of support to rebuild their lives.  I believe it is important that the ongoing dialogue on inequality acknowledge the reality that many people face very real obstacles that make their participation in the world (not just the world of work) very challenging.  I hope through writing this piece today that I have provided my dear readers with some food for thought that will ultimately help us all to consider and speak about the problem of inequality in a broad-minded and holistic way.

Have a great Friday!



Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #29

§  I attempted to synthesize my thoughts into a meaningful commentary in the above writing after attending a presentation at the Basilica of St. Mary
§  I attended an evening event featuring a good friend who is raising money for his travel fund

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


I am briefly recounting my day the day after.

Yesterday wasn't an easy day.  My anxiety level was very high.  This was due in part to a number of factors beyond my control.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #27

  • I went to see a physician about my anxiety and other symptoms
  • I reached out to friends to request help
  • I received a chest x-ray to confirm nothing was seriously amiss in my lungs

A Grief Update


Thursday, October 23, 2014


Over the course of the last many weeks and months I have noticed a development in regards to the grief I had carried for so very long.  The hard core of my grief is starting to soften.  It has taken about a full year of calendar time for this to take place.  But at least it is happening.

I attribute this development to a number of positive changes in my life.  I have remained faithful to a regimen of exercise, physical therapy and psychotherapy for many months now.  Practice does indeed eventually make for perfect…or at least quite good.  I also have enjoyed a very beautiful autumn thus far.  There were many days this October when the autumn light was sharp and golden.  Witnessing the manifold colors of trees as they prepare for winter hibernation can be something like a tonic for the psyche.  I am also fortunate to have some very good friends (both near and far) who care about me.

My grief is certainly not gone by any means.  But this internal softening leads me to believe I am moving in a good direction.  Though I even feel a certain situational grief now that summer is long gone and winter is growing ever closer I feel consoled by the truth that the cycle of life is ever turning and ever renewing.


Back in early July, upon the anniversary of the beginning of my blog, I shared some myths associated with grief.  I then did something of a commentary about how my own life had changed in the intervening year.  Now, nearly four months still later, I am doubling back to offer an updated update.  I am grateful to say I do see some significant additional change in my life.  What follows below are myths, counterpoints and then some of my own current thoughts about grief.


Myths (and counterpoints) About Grief


Talking is the only way through...
Grief needs expression but there are many ways, some of them silent

Silence is indeed sometimes ‘golden’.  Though the therapy I have done in the last sixteen months has included treatment modalities such as EMDR therapy it has nonetheless consistently featured talk therapy as a primary element of each session.  I have spoken of the issue of grief on a number of occasions.  And talking has helped.  But silence and simply sitting with what we feel within is also important.

I believe it is true that the ‘answer’ to grief is no more simplistic than the ‘answer’ to healing.  There is no one way to the endpoint of a healed life.  You can make the journey any number of ways.  For some individuals talking out what they have seen and suffered will prove vital.  For others a measure of silent contemplation, and the external environment necessary to support such contemplation, will prove of major importance.



After one year, things are much better...
Grief has no timeline

My own grief is better after one year.  But I wouldn’t say it is much better.  I am moving in a good direction.  But as noted above grief indeed has no timeline.

The holiday season, which is now rapidly approaching, has its own special rhythm and associations.  For some individuals it is an especially painful time of year to be alive.  Whether that is due to instances of past trauma and loss occurring around the holidays, growing up in a family in which Christmas was always something of a disappointment or some other reason, the holidays can be both profoundly uplifting and joyful as well as profoundly stressful.

I myself feel much more excited about the approaching holiday season as compared to the last one.  Last Christmas I found myself still caught up in the fallout from the beginning of my healing journey which, at that time, had begun only six months earlier.  Throughout this calendar year, as I have settled into the process of therapeutic journey-work, I have focused primarily on exploring the deep patterns of thought and belief that developed in my psyche at an early age.

I am looking forward to a brighter, more joyful Christmas.  But I suspect the grief will remain…at least as a significant element in the background of my daily life.



Not crying is a sign of denial or abnormal grief
Crying is individual and has a lot to do with history

Crying (or the apparent lack thereof) can be a big issue in grieving.  We all have our own uniquely developed ideas as to what grief and grieving ultimately ‘look like’.  But grieving, like crying, is an individual process. 

I know for myself that I was a sensitive boy.  The trauma I endured was thus all the more difficult to bear.  I felt the fear, chaos, perceived betrayals and disappointment of corruption and bad human behavior more acutely than I might have had I been less sensitive and attuned to my immediate environment.

I do believe delayed or unexpressed/unreleased grief is ultimately harmful to a person’s long term well-being.  Upon returning from a trip to Germany in May, 2013 I became quite ill.  In the process of uncovering what was going on inside me I rather quickly discerned unexpressed grief related to the loss of my birthmother.  I think it is correct to say that a failure to grieve can lead us to later experience a sense of becoming stuck.  Grief must be given its time and place.



Men grieve one way, women another
Some people emote, others do not

I think the overgeneralization that men and women grieve differently does have some fundamental truth to it.  But there are exceptions to virtually everything.

I grew up in a family where the men are quite often stoic and do not show visible signs of grief.  I attribute some of this family predisposition to the broader American culture I grew up in.  There is a strong (and dysfunctional) strain of macho-man thinking and being in the United States.  And it influences everything from foreign and domestic policies to how wives and children are treated.



Children grieve briefly, or not at all
Children grieve for a long time, in intervals and it often resurfaces at developmental milestones

The notion that grief ‘resurfaces at developmental milestones’ is, I believe, spot-on.  We may begin grieving the loss of parents long before their biological deaths.  Indeed, I began grieving the loss of both of my biological parents in the last year.  I grieved for my mother due to the slight degree of dementia she now has.  And I have grieved for the healthy relationship with my father that really never existed.

And biological death may trigger grief from other losses earlier in life that were never properly mourned.  As I noted above, I believe grief requires us to give it a place in life.  It will not be denied.



Working a lot is a sign of delayed or denied grief
Distraction is a normal response to grief unless one compromises other life commitments

I am not sure how much I agree that ‘distraction is a normal response to grief’.  It may be normal in the sense that a vast percentage of the population uses distraction as a coping mechanism.  But just because something is endemic does not mean it is normal in the sense of being healthy.

Coping mechanisms, both individual and collective, are very much interconnected with cultural norms.  It is thus instructive to examine the broader culture.  Here in the United States much of life is dominated by what could be called a ‘doing-culture’.  To be doing is somehow seen as more meritorious than simply being.  Being is easily conflated with being lazy, shiftless and unmotivated.  To use a personal day for recreation during what would otherwise be a five-day workweek would be construed as absurd in some work cultures.



Going to the cemetery is a necessary ritual in grief
This ritual is highly individual and often related to family traditions

Of all the myths listed I find this one to be the most indicative of what you might call ‘old-school thinking’.  I do not believe it is necessary to go to the place where your ancestors’ bodies were buried as the only appropriate manner to acknowledge and revere their memories.  In some cases (missing persons, serious bodily trauma that results in death and still worse for the body itself) it actually isn’t possible to go to a place where your loved one is buried.

My own life experience bears witness to the fact that family tradition can indeed play a significant role in how people ritualize their experience of loss and grief.  For me the sting of losing a beloved is deeply connected to the end of a cherished relationship.  I love the beauty of the human form as much as the next person and thus miss the physical beauty of those who pass on.  And yet we are much more than our bodies.



People related to each other (should) grieve alike
Each had a unique relationship to the person or event that happened and will react in their own way and on their own timetable

The idea that those who are connected by blood ought to grieve alike strikes me as quite simplistic.  I sometimes wonder how I could indeed be related to some of my blood relations.  Their political persuasions and ways of carrying themselves in the world strike me as irresponsible and lacking in authenticity.  But that is my opinion alone.

I think it important to recognize how unique the relationships can be between different people.  Whether you are one of a number of siblings grieving the death of a single set of parents you all have in common or grieving the loss of someone else (such as a close friend, mentor, boss, etc) the experience of grief is as unique to the individual as is the individual himself.



I believe I also have some other timely observations to offer.  Grief, like other human experiences that may bring us low, may linger if we do not give it sufficient time and space to be.  When our lives are filled with chaos and difficulty such that meeting our most fundamental needs is difficult in itself how much more difficult can it then be to attend to something as significant and (often) demanding as grief?

It is my related impression that grief will not be ultimately denied.  When it sits within us unattended and unacknowledged I believe grief has a way of manifesting in other ways.  We would do well to pay attention to grief.  To truly grieve is but one powerful indicator that we are indeed fully alive.


Post Script 

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #28

  • I am meeting with my vocational rehabilitation counselor to check in regarding my work search
  • I will be attending a discussion this evening on the topic of economic inequality