Wednesday, October 29, 2014

A Broadside To My Recovery

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I was fortunate to have a session with my therapist last night.  I am not handling the consequences of the last few disappointing weeks of my life very well.  Indeed, I perceive that the progress I have made in my recovery is at risk.  I have worked diligently for the last sixteen months.  And I keep thinking it is not unreasonable for me to expect more progress to have occurred than what has actually happened.  But maybe I am holding unrealistic expectations.  I do not know.

I awoke early this morning so I could walk downtown and get some work done.  One of my favorite places to hang out is near the water feature inside the IDS building in downtown Minneapolis.  I rarely find the sounds of water disconcerting.  On the contrary water sounds usually help me to relax.  I need all the relaxing influences I can enjoy at the moment.

Yesterday I decided to give up on the promised assistance of a person I considered to be a friend.  This was not the first time my trust has been seriously violated by another individual.  But I would like to make it the last time it happens.  The wounds I experienced as a child due to the repeated violation of my trust have been opened up by this recent unfortunate experience.  I can tell I feel I am experiencing a setback because symptoms I associate with PTSD have been bothering me in the last several days.  I have been irritable, anxious, spacey and have sometimes felt as if I am not fully in my body.  I take some comfort knowing I have a good care team in place to assist me.  I also take some comfort knowing that no person can take from me the contribution I have made to both myself (and my recovery) and the world as it exists in the form of this blog.

I want to view what is currently happening in my life as a temporary setback rather than the beginning of a complete regression and loss of all the progress I have made.  I do indeed feel that a large measure of my anxiety is unwarranted.  My physical health is much, much better than it was six months ago let alone a year ago.  I have earned the rewards that come with being diligent about exercise.

My work life has been another matter altogether.  Even though I have made some sort of contribution to society this year, and some of it has even held some deeper meaning for me, I still feel quite dissatisfied with my work life.  And this has been the truth of my experience for years.  I cannot continue to go on living in this way.  I am doing everything in my power to find the career I have worked diligently to create.  There are days when I feel I will reach my goals.  And then there are days when I feel I am fighting against time as well as large forces that cannot be bargained with.  Some of those forces are globalization as well as the political and economic polarization within this country that has gone on for a number of years.  America seems to have become a home for CEOs and gated communities.  What can poor people expect in a nation with such horribly bad priorities?

Anyhow, here within my own skin I am doing everything I can to make a better life for myself.  I gave a lot to society (often in the form of volunteer work) earlier in my life.  At the time I did so due in part to my beliefs that it was the right and moral thing to do and also that my generosity would return unto me in forms that would sustain me as well.  I was magnanimous for both altruistic and personal reasons.  I believe such is often the underlying motivation in much human benevolence.

I hope a reversal in my current experience of hardship comes soon.  My patience sometimes wears a bit thin as I continue to do my own personal work.  I believe I can have a good, rewarding life filled with love, prosperity and vocational success.  But I still need help getting there.  May all my needs be fulfilled forthwith.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #34

My healthy activities for today:

  • I decided to take a humble approach to my recent troubles by being broad-minded in my search for some assistance
  • I spoke from my heart and authentically when I met with a local organization that provides a lot of good resources to the community
  • I said thank you when I was offered assistance

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!