Overcoming Old and Deep Wounds

Monday, October 20, 2014

Yesterday, before going to host an event with my friend Carol, I checked up on what mayhem the planets may be helping to foment.  Yes, I do indeed believe in the legitimacy of the field of astrology.

Anyone who holds doubt that there is indeed some element of genuine truth at the heart of astrology need only take careful note of their lives as well as those of their friends while Mercury is in a retrograde cycle.  I will spare a detailed description of what this transit is associated with.  Suffice to say it’s not wise to expect to accomplish a lot when Mercury is retrograde.  Mercury was in reverse apparent motion last week whilst I was sick.

I checked my online profile at www.astro.com and read of the following ongoing transit.  This one is also attributable to Mercury:

‘At this time you may try to come to a rational understanding of painful episodes in your life.  You may ask critical and uncomfortable questions. Were all the rejections and dismissals and the scars they left behind really necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? By asking these questions you try to come to terms with both your own and others' pain and suffering. We all have to deal with them, because life will confront us with such problems again and again. And even if old psychological wounds cannot be healed by asking probing questions or by analysing them, it is natural and necessary that your intellect refuses to accept this. These are questions that you can only ask yourself, as others may find them unsettling and hurtful.’

When reading these words I cannot help but think of the language of the heart and the language of the mind.  And I often do not think they are the same language.  We may apply our intellect in an effort to understand, relieve and ultimately heal wounds in our hearts.  But how can we truly do this? 

My intellect would have me believe that I can somehow find some rationale means of explaining the pattern of my father’s alienating behavior that has stretched over the course of whole decades.  He is at present nearly seventy-two years old.  And for all the years of my own earthly life the person he truly is remains something of a mystery to me.  My experience of him is that he is a man who believes in keeping secrets.  I think he is a person who has something of a firmly set predisposition to withholding and hiding his thoughts and feelings rather than openly sharing them.  Some of his ‘default mode’ of living is naturally reinforced by the time and place he grew up in.  But nurture alone doesn’t fully explain what a person ultimately becomes as an adult.  Much as our environment may exert a strong influence on what type of people we become we still (at least in fairly healthy circumstances) have some measure of choice as well.

What also remains a genuine mystery to me is how my father’s siblings have chosen to relate to him over the years.  I do not understand how people can consider themselves to be truly following the teachings of Jesus Christ while simultaneously acting in ways contrary to what Jesus is reputed to have made his core teaching.  In short, I do not understand how deceit as well as infantile behaviors such as persistent avoidance and finger pointing align with the teachings of one Jesus Christ.  In essence I cannot and will not be a part of the lives of people whose behavior I find to be immensely hypocritical.  People who do not practice what they preach too easily make my stomach churn.

Over the course of the last sixteen months I have gradually zeroed in on the fact that these unresolved questions are very much at the core of what has caused me so much distress in my life.  And I have come to the sobering conclusion that some of my deepest questions may remain forever unanswered.  And I somehow need to find a way to move forward with my own life in spite of this sad reality.  We sometimes have to live our lives in such a way that longstanding mysteries will remain forever mysteries.  Is it fair?  Absolutely not.  Does it happen often in the human experience?  I believe it does.  I do feel fortunate that the mysteries within my own life experience are relatively tolerable to bear.  None of my family or dear friends have ever gone permanently missing.  I have never lost someone I care about to the horror of murder…though I nearly did.

Some philosophers, theologians and ‘deep thinkers’ would assert that suffering is a natural part and parcel of the human condition.  I agree.  None of us gets out of life…alive.  I want to be a person who gets a lot out of life while he is alive.  I believe in life before death!

The wounds we experience over the course of our life journeys do not have to define who we are.  We can choose to see our lives in a broader way.  Darkness is the inevitable complement of living in a world that features light.

I feel myself to be in a relatively good psychic space now.  There is still more healing to do.  But I am finally no longer feeling something I had long felt.  I am finally no longer feeling haunted.

......

During my session with my therapist this afternoon I reaffirmed my commitment to my own personal wellness.  I even drafted a contract.  The contents of it are below:

I am committed to working through the residual harmful impacts related to the trauma and dysfunction I experienced in my early life history.  I am willing to do so without any additional expressed support from my paternal family of origin.  I make a commitment to seeking out support on a consistent basis using resources such as my therapist, my primary care physician, my friends and ‘chosen family’, members of my family of origin who do honor the fullness of who I am as well as institutions that provide reliable and competent support in fulfillment of my needs as a whole person.

I am committed to working through the issues I have with how manhood has been modeled to me by doing any and all of the following: therapy, educational trainings, personal self-study, hobbies, etc.

As a further matter of course, I am also committed to addressing my long pervasive feeling of being culturally split as a result of my early life circumstances that featured two parents from two different countries.  I am committed to following the path that best leads to the fullest, most rewarding development of my future self.

Post Script 

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #25

• I continued to rest as much as I could to help my immune system finish off the nasty respiratory problem I developed a number of days ago
• Despite feeling crabby I interacted with the world at large...partly to remind me that it is still there.  Illness can be an isolating experience.