Monday, October 27, 2014

At A Threshold: Is Sixteen Months Of Progress At Risk?

Monday, October 27, 2014

In my blog post this past Saturday I noted how it had been exactly sixteen months since I was given a diagnosis of PTSD by my therapist.  It took me several months to begin to get my life in order.  The process of stabilization became my primary focus through the end of 2013.  When the calendar year of 2014 began I felt a deep hopefulness that my progress forward would continue.  And it generally has.  But then this month happened.

In the last two weeks I have experienced a reversal of circumstances so immense that I feel the immense growth I have undergone in the last sixteen months is now in jeopardy.  Yes, sixteen months of progress seems at risk of toppling.  How did I find myself nearly back at 'square one' in such a short time?  It is definitely due to a combination of circumstances.  Those circumstances are illness, unemployment and the slow motion behavior of a number of institutions.  As each day of the last two weeks has passed I have felt more and more challenged to maintain my faith that everything I have worked for will not be lost.

It's sobering and disheartening to find myself feeling as if I might land back at square one.  I have endured immense loss these last sixteen months.  I have walked away from my paternal family of origin due to my family's inability to truly listen to me and acknowledge the very real harm done to me by the neglect, abuse and deceit I experienced.  That loss was, by itself, huge.  I also set aside my past professional aspirations in order to give myself time to contemplate what I really want from my life in the future.  I have allowed myself to let go of so much and I have done so, in part, due to my belief that I need to let go to make space for something better to enter my life.  The new cannot come to be if the old is still hanging around.

I have been patient and steadfast in the face of concurrent physical, emotional and financial challenges. I have withstood stress as well as the unjustified treatment of both (former) friends and strangers.  And lately I am asking myself when all my patience, striving and determination will finally pay off.  Yes, I have successfully restored my physical health.  And my mental health has been improving since I began going to therapy last year.  But something bigger and brighter simply has to come to inhabit my life soon.  I need a breakthrough and I need it soon.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #32

I am taking care of my health today by:

  • Breathing intentionally as frequently as possible
  • Eating wisely
  • Remembering, as best as I can, to have compassion for myself

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