Looking Back One Year Ago: May 23, 2013

Friday, May 23, 2014


Written one year ago today...

Day 11, Part I

After the veritable gale winds of recent days it is astonishingly quiet here in Helgoland. It is already my last full day here. Tomorrow I return to the German mainland and will begin my travel to Stralsund. I had a very informative and enjoyable conversation with another member of AWI Helgoland this morning. There seem to be many possibilities floating about...the key is to maintain an open and fresh mind.

I plan to go out to the ocean later today and make an offering in honor of the world's oceans and my work within marine policy.

Day 11, Part II

Given how much work I have put in on this fellowship thus far I thought I would treat myself to a bit more "Me time" today. So I took a sauna today here on Helgoland. While soaking and playing in so many different spaces countless people went through my mind.

In one wet, warm room it was pungent with eucalyptus. The ceiling featured all these pinpoint lights that cast little tubes of light downward. They looked like the simulations of stars you would see in a planetarium. So my mind drifted to stargazing and the fun I had as a student of Apela Colorado. The eucalyptus reminded me of herbalist Atava Garcia Swiecicki as well as other Indigenous Science students I befriended.

While sitting in that room I did some breathwork techniques. And so then I thought of my friends I made through the Body Electric community such as Claude Laroche, Eric Bruckner, Greg Rogers, Daniel Foster, Steven Greenberg, Steve Brammeier, et al. And also Christian de la Huerta who specializes in breathwork.

I have been blessed with many friends...and I love you all!

Day 11, Part III

What a beautiful day! And what a beautiful life I have. It's after 10 pm now. There is still light in the sky. I returned to my hotel room to find my iTunes playing some song that makes me all the more wistful...more so than I already am.

Things that were beautiful about today:

1) The sunrise

2) My amazing breakfast

3) My first conversation with staff at AWI

4) The cat I encountered on my walk to AWI

5) The warm smile of the woman I tipped here at the hotel

6) The inspiring music I listen to on my computer

7) Amazing fresh air...Helgoland is known for it

The walk to the sauna

9) My time at the sauna

10) cold water

11) hot water

12) Eucalyptus

13) fresh towels

14) Sunshine

15) Seascapes

16) Fish sandwiches

17) My second consultation visit

18) The American Council on Germany...which made this possible...

19) My ancestors

20) All the people in my life who love and support me

21) The walk back to my hotel after second consult

22) Hot shower

23) Schleswig Holsteinisches Wattenmeer

24) AMAZING dinner at Aquarium Cafe

25) Warm smile of waitress when I tipped her

26) Walk out to watch sunset

27) The sunset

28) Sounds of water

29) Fading beautiful sky

30) Amazing memories of earlier experiences at the ocean

31) Walking back

32) The chirping bird sitting on a lamp

33) Empty streets in the business district

34) Returning again to a cozy and warm environment

35) The comfort and coziness I will enjoy tonight

36) The consoling thought of how I will linger at breakfast tomorrow for two full hours and savor every minute of accomplishing nothing at all meaningful

37) The pleasant feeling of exhaustion I have now

38) The fun of planning the next stage of my trip

39) The open mind I brought to my future life

40) The ritual I did at the water's edge tonight

Do you know just how powerful gratitude is?


And back to today...

May 23, 2014

In my most recent visit to my therapist we laid out the remaining predominating issues I still want to work through.  The ‘flavor’ of these issues is mostly that of grief, resentment and sadness.  My grief has manifold roots. 

Seeing my mother last year was an enjoyable experience but knowing that she now has some degree of dementia was a sobering introduction to the reality that our parents ultimately will die one day.  I also feel some grief as I have come to the awe inspiring realization that my perception of the world was distorted for much of my previous life.  I recognized this last year as I came out from underneath the burden of the impact of the trauma I experienced early in my life.  Now I continue to adjust to having clear vision…as well as the reality that it was clouded for so long previously.  Finally, there is a deeper aspect to the trauma of being separated from my maternal family of origin.  There is a ‘cultural estrangement’ as well.  This is something else I have carried for a long while.

To move forward, heal from the grief and make a new and rewarding life for myself is now my primary priority.  It is no small task.  But I finally feel more capable of committing to this priority now that I have addressed other even more pressing issues (my physical health).