Overcoming Dissociative Amnesia

Friday, May 2, 2014

I still feel like I am on the roller coaster of healing.  And I cannot see the end of the ride.  Some days my feelings seem as smooth and subtle as the most minor of undulations on an otherwise tranquil pond.  Other days I feel positively buffeted by my feelings.  So far today I feel a bit more buffeted than whatever I could call an ‘average’ day in my healing journey.

Even though I am mostly aware of my deep grief these days I occasionally find myself waffle back into the older prevailing affective state of anger.  That was what I was consumed with much of last summer.  I notice that my anger will flare up when I find myself in a situation where I feel like I am the most competent and educated person in some unexpected scenario that tries my patience.  For example, riding the 5 bus here in Minneapolis has a way of testing my patience. 

This morning a blind man got on the bus.  Other passengers helped him to find a seat.  Shortly thereafter a woman attempted to load her bike onto the front carriage of the bus.  She repeatedly failed.  Eventually another passenger went outside to help her.  I found myself sighing as the limitations of others affected the timeliness of my trip.  I have often felt this way…living in a world full of bozos whose ability to navigate the simplest tasks of every day life seems to be some Herculean challenge.  Such moments have a way of reminding me of the immense frustration I felt growing up in a family with people who seemed so incapable of recognizing my true feelings.  I often felt I somehow had to justify my feelings to other members of my paternal family of origin.  I often felt like I was talking to a brick wall.

When I walk out in the world and experience the beauty of a bright sunny day I still feel the pain of recognizing how long I was walking around without a clear vision of the world outside my skin.  And sometimes these moments of crisp vision lead me to recall that it wasn’t just my eyesight that lacked a certain crispness.  My own memory of the earliest years of my life is also lacking a sharpness as well.  I find myself grieving the impact the limitations of others had on my own psychic development.  And I find myself wondering who I can become in my own future now that I have found effective treatment.  Trauma can leave a very deep imprint.

……

Besides writing my daily blog entry I did my good deed for the day.  While waiting outside for the Number 5 bus to take me back downtown I discovered someone’s identification card near the bus stop.  I took it into the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing and asked the receptionist behind the counter to help get the ID back to its proper owner.

I’ve been kind and generous in a lot of ways throughout my life.  Lately I have felt there has been a grave imbalance where I have been on the receiving end of a lot of unkindness that was never mine to bear.  I’d like some major breakthroughs this year as I continue to recover and create a new and improved life for myself.  At this point, given what I have been through, I will take help from wherever it is kindly given.  Jesus Christ, Allah, Buddha, the deceased great leaders and contributors to human civilization, angels…any benevolent being who will extend a hand in generosity is most welcome to help me.

Thirty-Three Things I Am Grateful For

My eyesight

My immune system which has protected me through decades

My health insurance

My ability to walk

The YMCA

The season of Spring

My commitment to my healing journey

Resilience

Love

People who live lives of integrity

Generous people

The generosity of the Basilica of St. Mary community

Pathways Health Crisis Resource Center

My friend Keith who has steadfastly remained a generous friend

My acupuncturist

My chiropractor

My therapist

My primary care doctor

All the health care providers who have helped me throughout my life

My local community of friends who appreciate leather

The gifts passed down to me from my ancestors

The opportunity to create a new life for myself

Affectionate dogs

Affectionate cats

My tax refund

Water

Warm sweaters

My shoes

My sense of humor

My healthy teeth

Linden trees

Hawaii

Norway