Thursday, May 8, 2014

It's Not All Grief, Doom and Gloom


Thursday, May 8, 2014


Despite my growing emphasis on my experience of grief in the most recent weeks and months of my blog I do feel a lot of joy and excitement in my life these days as well.  I am excited by what may be possible in what Richard Rohr calls the ‘second half of life’.  The utter implosion of the structure of my life last June catapulted me decisively into what felt like an all too abrupt transition over the threshold into my second half of life.  I hope I have at least as many years before me as I do behind me partly because I believe the rest of my life will make the quality, clarity and vividness of the first half of my life seem like muddy water in comparison.  As I noted yesterday the world seems so incredibly vivid now.  My capacity for clear perception appears to be continually healing.

One thing that fascinates me these days is the color green.  The grasses of Minnesota seem to positively burst forth into aliveness almost immediately after the snow cover of winter melts away.  I suspect the relatively slow thaw of winter into the season of spring also helped quite a bit by allowing much of the melted snow to soak into the Earth.  We might not suffer from drought conditions at all this summer!  And it will be the first summer of the rest of my life.

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I am happy to recount an especially positive development today.  My Medical Assistance health insurance will remain valid through the end of 2014 regardless of how much income I earn.  I thus have an eight month window of time in which I can focus on continuing to improve my health with said focus incurring nothing more than the cost of my own time.  After 2015 begins it appears I may need to change my insurance as by that time I expect my income from my work may render me ineligible to receive Medical Assistance.  I expect whatever health insurance I would then purchase would require me to make at least a co-pay for my weekly psychotherapeutic work.

Money, time and resources are certainly a major concern for me considering what I went through last year.  I was effectively not working a paying job for nine whole months.  Yes, I had my fellowship from the American Council on Germany which I can list on my resume but I was conducting research related to that project on a part-time basis only.  The rest of the time I was engaged in the demanding process of restoring my physical and mental health at the same time.  Not until March of this year did I essentially complete the physical therapy journey (which I had begun last August).

It would be easy for me to fall into a state of resentment regarding the fact that I am, at the age of forty, still spending my time and money to attend to the psychic wounds I experienced as a result of the irresponsible behavior, corrupt professional conduct and downright violence of other people who were a part of my early life history over thirty years ago.  Remaining motivated in the face of such extraordinarily challenging circumstances was an amazing challenge in itself.  These wounds will take time to heal but I am well on my way now.  I have accomplished a lot in the last ten months.  If I accomplish nearly the same in the next eight months I will be in a very strong position to finally start realizing some of my biggest dreams I have for my life.


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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!