Friday, May 9, 2014

Life is Risk


Friday, May 9, 2014


Several years ago I was an ‘ER’ whore.  By that I mean I rather consistently watched the show ‘ER’ which ran on NBC for a number of years.  I had always been intrigued with healthcare.  Had my life evolved a bit differently I might have become a medical doctor.  And who knows what might be possible now given that I have found true release from how my early history of trauma affected my very brain.

One episode in particular was in my thoughts this morning.  Maura Tierney played a nurse, Abby Lockhart, who eventually made a career adjustment and went to medical school to become a doctor.  She was a major character on the show during the second half of its run.  Like many people Abby had an unfortunate childhood marked by the mental illness of her mother (who was played by Sally Field).  Her mother’s mental illness left some definite psychological scars in her daughter.  I can relate to such misfortune all too well.    Anyway, in one particular episode of this mother-daughter pair Abby divulges some of the disappointments of her life to her mother.  Time and the inevitable disappointments of life have marked Abby in some deep ways.  Indeed, she seems to have become risk-averse.  Her mother offers her some very sage wisdom by noting how ‘Everything is risk’.  This is so true.

Here is the link to that episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJjjd5ATA5I

I thought of the nature of risk this morning while waiting for the bus to take me into Minneapolis.  Spring has fully blossomed here in (southern) Minnesota.  The lakes in the north of the state may still be melting out but here we have flowers and green grass (thankfully).  There is the prospect of tornadoes and hail later this afternoon.  And yet all the while some construction workers are building a new house just a block from where I have been living these last three months.  To live is to take risks.  Tornadoes may come but in the meantime let's get on with the business of living life!  The surest way to wither and die is to no longer grow, change and take risks.  Some risk taking doesn’t turn out too well.  But if we let the disappointments and inevitable failures of some of our efforts cause us to turn inwards and self-isolate we are inevitably creating a perfect environment for boredom, sadness, illness and even despair to develop.

I feel as if I have become a bit risk-averse as of late.  It’s an understandable response given what I have experienced in the last three years.  I lived in several different locations all across the country in search of that illustrious job that would finally make the investment of all the education I obtained financially and emotionally worthwhile.  I mention my emotional life because despite my efforts to strike a balance between school, work and a social life while most recently attending graduate school in California I can look back in hindsight and recognize my life was still not very balanced.  But I must admit that some of my disappointment regarding relationships was an inevitable consequence of there not being much of a community of gay people within about one hundred miles of Monterey.  And the gay community of Santa Cruz, California left much to be desired.

I see that I have reached a turning point in my own development.  I cannot continue to become more risk averse.  Moving in that direction will not ultimately serve me…instead it might cause me grave harm.  The therapy I have done these last ten months has been immensely helpful.  And I see clearly that the journey I have been on has led me to a crossroads.  It’s time for me to decisively stand tall and separate from my paternal family of origin and no longer keep attempting to ‘get water from the dry well’.

I intend to take some big risks in my immediate and longer-term future.  I intend to attend the Foxfire Institute in Berlin, Germany eventually.  I’d like to begin by easing myself into the experience by doing some distance learning this coming autumn.  My life should (hopefully) be sufficiently stable by the autumn that I can begin to build this new piece into my life.

Life is not worth living if we do not take risks.

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