Several years ago I was an ‘ER’ whore. By that I mean I rather consistently
watched the show ‘ER’ which ran on NBC for a number of years. I had always been intrigued with
healthcare. Had my life evolved a
bit differently I might have become a medical doctor. And who knows what might be possible now given that I have
found true release from how my early history of trauma affected my very brain.
One episode in particular was in my thoughts this
morning. Maura Tierney played a
nurse, Abby Lockhart, who eventually made a career adjustment and went to
medical school to become a doctor.
She was a major character on the show during the second half of its
run. Like many people Abby had an
unfortunate childhood marked by the mental illness of her mother (who was
played by Sally Field). Her
mother’s mental illness left some definite psychological scars in her
daughter. I can relate to such
misfortune all too well.
Anyway, in one particular episode of this mother-daughter pair Abby
divulges some of the disappointments of her life to her mother. Time and the inevitable disappointments
of life have marked Abby in some deep ways. Indeed, she seems to have become risk-averse. Her mother offers her some very sage
wisdom by noting how ‘Everything is risk’. This is so true.
I thought of the nature of risk this morning while waiting
for the bus to take me into Minneapolis.
Spring has fully blossomed here in (southern) Minnesota. The lakes in the north of the state may still be melting out but here we have flowers and green grass (thankfully). There is the prospect of tornadoes and
hail later this afternoon. And yet
all the while some construction workers are building a new house just a block
from where I have been living these last three months. To live is to take risks. Tornadoes may come but in the meantime let's get on with the business of living life! The surest way to wither and die is to
no longer grow, change and take risks.
Some risk taking doesn’t turn out too well. But if we let the disappointments and inevitable failures of
some of our efforts cause us to turn inwards and self-isolate we are inevitably
creating a perfect environment for boredom, sadness, illness and even despair
to develop.
I feel as if I have become a bit risk-averse as of
late. It’s an understandable
response given what I have experienced in the last three years. I lived in several different locations
all across the country in search of that illustrious job that would finally
make the investment of all the education I obtained financially and emotionally
worthwhile. I mention my emotional
life because despite my efforts to strike a balance between school, work and a
social life while most recently attending graduate school in California I can
look back in hindsight and recognize my life was still not very balanced. But I must admit that some of my
disappointment regarding relationships was an inevitable consequence of there
not being much of a community of gay people within about one hundred miles of
Monterey. And the gay community of
Santa Cruz, California left much to be desired.
I see that I have reached a turning point in my own
development. I cannot continue to
become more risk averse. Moving in
that direction will not ultimately serve me…instead it might cause me grave
harm. The therapy I have done
these last ten months has been immensely helpful. And I see clearly that the journey I have been on has led me
to a crossroads. It’s time for me
to decisively stand tall and separate from my paternal family of origin and no
longer keep attempting to ‘get water from the dry well’.
I intend to take some big risks in my immediate and
longer-term future. I intend to
attend the Foxfire Institute in Berlin, Germany eventually. I’d like to begin by easing myself into
the experience by doing some distance learning this coming autumn. My life should (hopefully) be
sufficiently stable by the autumn that I can begin to build this new piece into
my life.
Life is not worth living if we
do not take risks.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!