Friday, November 13, 2015
So it's a beautiful day outside...and I feel sad. I could spend a lot of mental energy making out a list of "likely suspects" to explain why I am feeling sad. But sometimes we feel sad and there really isn't an identifiable reason why we feel what we do. In other words, it is sometimes a wise practice to notice what you are feeling and then do nothing to try to change how you are feeling. Allowing our feelings to be what they are and evolve in their own time can be a real challenge. I certainly think this holds true for traumatized, dramatic, paranoid America. Am I being unkind to the nation of my citizenry? Perhaps. But I think my critique is nonetheless valid. Americans as a people are quite unskilled in dealing with their feelings.
I know some of my sadness is due to the fact that I have exerted immense effort to construct a new life for myself after the implosion that was June, 2013. I have been working on this work in progress known as me for nearly two and a half years now. And this is just my most recent iteration of walking the journey of my life with the assistance of psychotherapy. I am nonetheless confident that this iteration will prove so much more beneficial for me due in part to the fact that I have been diligent and patient and loyal to the process over an extended period of time.
And yet though my life is immensely better than it was so many months ago I still occasionally feel extremely vulnerable. I believe vulnerability is something that can be acknowledged, honored and explored or exploited and ultimately lead to great harm. When we are deeply vulnerable the boundaries between ourselves and the world around us are essentially removed (or at least minimized). And when such boundaries do not stand in our way of engaging with the world we can experience immense growth...or incredible tragedy. Vulnerability, like so many things, can be experienced as a double-edged sword.
I feel myself standing on the fine line of that double edged sword. There are moments when I still feel immense fear about my future. And there are other moments when I feel a deep intuitive knowing that 2016 will be my best year yet.
So it's a beautiful day outside...and I feel sad. I could spend a lot of mental energy making out a list of "likely suspects" to explain why I am feeling sad. But sometimes we feel sad and there really isn't an identifiable reason why we feel what we do. In other words, it is sometimes a wise practice to notice what you are feeling and then do nothing to try to change how you are feeling. Allowing our feelings to be what they are and evolve in their own time can be a real challenge. I certainly think this holds true for traumatized, dramatic, paranoid America. Am I being unkind to the nation of my citizenry? Perhaps. But I think my critique is nonetheless valid. Americans as a people are quite unskilled in dealing with their feelings.
I know some of my sadness is due to the fact that I have exerted immense effort to construct a new life for myself after the implosion that was June, 2013. I have been working on this work in progress known as me for nearly two and a half years now. And this is just my most recent iteration of walking the journey of my life with the assistance of psychotherapy. I am nonetheless confident that this iteration will prove so much more beneficial for me due in part to the fact that I have been diligent and patient and loyal to the process over an extended period of time.
And yet though my life is immensely better than it was so many months ago I still occasionally feel extremely vulnerable. I believe vulnerability is something that can be acknowledged, honored and explored or exploited and ultimately lead to great harm. When we are deeply vulnerable the boundaries between ourselves and the world around us are essentially removed (or at least minimized). And when such boundaries do not stand in our way of engaging with the world we can experience immense growth...or incredible tragedy. Vulnerability, like so many things, can be experienced as a double-edged sword.
I feel myself standing on the fine line of that double edged sword. There are moments when I still feel immense fear about my future. And there are other moments when I feel a deep intuitive knowing that 2016 will be my best year yet.
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