Friday, December 4, 2015

Old Demons

Friday, December 4, 2015

It was another full week.

And here I am being a responsible adult male and writing about my journey of recovery from trauma on a Friday night. There are times when I feel I must have one of the dullest lives on the planet. I am diligent and focused. And I am writing...on a Friday night. And yet somehow I am still struggling financially. Too often I find myself asking myself the question "How is this possible?" How is it possible that I could have worked as long as I have and have so little material security to show for it. It seems almost...inconceivable.

Yesterday was a rough day. I was obliged to visit one of my old haunts. The old haunt I am referring to is Abbott Northwestern Hospital. I went there for a CT scan after seeing a doctor in Uptown (who was filling in for my primary care doctor). My GI system has been bothering me for over a week now. I was also feeling a bit lethargic and unmotivated. So I decided to continue to live in a way I have been living ever since June, 2013. I decided to be proactive. I try to be as proactive about my health as possible because I want to minimize the risk of ever going through something like what I endured in June, 2013.  That month felt like a thirty day marathon of the sky falling in on me.

While visiting Abbott Hospital I was unsurprised to find memories of 2013 drifting through my awareness. I felt like I virtually lived at Abbott Hospital during the summer of that year. Upon getting great health insurance at the beginning of June, 2013 I decided to make extensive use of it. And as I made use of my insurance I discovered there was a lot of work I could do on myself. I feel proud of how much I have utilized the gift of my health insurance. And I am determined to never go through a period of my life in the future without health insurance. Living without insurance strikes me as incredibly risky and irresponsible.

The pain of that period of 2013 was compounded by the fact that I went to many of my medical appointments alone. Though I did have some local friends at that time I had not lived in Minnesota very long at that point. Bearing the burden of undergoing so many tests and appointments was thus more difficult because I had minimal local support to assist me in a time of immense need.

Old memories of painful times from decades ago appeared in my thoughts again today. I attended the annual meeting of the Youth Intervention Programs Association in Brooklyn Center. I met a lot of people who are passionate about helping youth overcome obstacles and realize their potential. I felt very encouraged. But I also found the meeting to be a sobering experience. The scale of the problem of disenfranchised and mistreated youth is significant. There is a lot of work to be done.

These last thirty months represent my most concerted effort I have ever made to transcend the pain and limitations of my early life history. I might not have been so diligent in my journey of healing had what happened in 2013 occurred much earlier in my life. I would like to believe that we all tend to become more mature as the years pass. I might have foregone the opportunity to do still more psychotherapy had I been a man a decade younger than I actually was. Older and wiser often can go together.

I feel a lot calmer tonight after having my doctor rule out appendicitis and diverticulitis as likely explanations for the symptoms I have been experiencing in my gut.

I continue to do my best to be open to healing in my life. Healing, love, abundance and joy can come to us in very unexpected ways. I would like to believe that 2016 will be my best year yet. I certainly feel I have been tilling my own 'psychic ground' long enough such that immense blessings should easily find their way to me.

One can only hope.

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