Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Deep Dig

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I met with my therapist again this evening.  We actually scheduled out appointments into June.  I am closing in on my two year anniversary of working with him.  It seems a bit surreal that it has been that long actually.

The main challenge left for me to address regarding my mental health is the persistent sadness I feel.  Speaking with complete honesty and transparency I acknowledge that I feel some measure of sadness on most days.  This really is not at all surprising to me considering the amount of trauma I endured as a kid.  The work of attending to the especially traumatic incidents of my life history is now thankfully a thing of the past.  All that remains now is my sadness.

I feel sad because I didn’t clearly see who and what I was for such a long time.  I didn’t see the beauty in my eyes and in my face.  I didn’t receive a lot of encouragement and compliments regarding my physical development as I was becoming a man.  I know I am most certainly not alone in this type of experience.  Many people do not get the recognition and encouragement they need from their parents to enter the adult world as well adjusted, productive, healthy, confident people. 

I find myself digging deeper and deeper into myself as time goes on.  My sadness is no longer a companion whose presence I subtly or not so subtly try to ignore.  But I also am doing fairly well at not wallowing in it and allowing my past feelings of victimization to reclaim me.  I am much more than my past or present.  My life can be wondrous.  I have the maturity and focus now to make it so.  I have the capacity to heal and learn from my mistakes.

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