Sunday, March 22, 2015
This was both a good and a difficult weekend for me.
Last night I found myself feeling a spacious sadness while waiting to take the bus into Minneapolis. I went to a party last night. I had a nice time. And yet all the while I was aware of the sadness within me. There are many roots to my sadness.
At one point I found myself remembering how it was this time of year three years ago that I left the West Coast to embark on a new segment of my professional development in Washington, DC. I remember how I wasn’t able to be as present to my life as I am now. The memories I have of that time in my life are not as clear as the memories I have created in the time since I first underwent EMDR therapy in the summer of 2013.
Although my life is much better than it was twenty-one months ago I still find myself feeling a lot of sadness. The nature of my sadness has changed. The sadness I now feel is very much connected to the years of my adulthood. Memories of my life during the summers I worked for the National Weather Service have floated through my mind. I found myself recalling the low-grade feeling of misery during those two summers. I was sad but I wouldn’t acknowledge my sadness in a healthy way. I didn’t seek out treatment. And part of the reason I did not seek out help was I was still following the set of ‘values’ I had internalized from my family of origin.
Unwinding a thick and pervasive sadness can take quite a while. But I continue to move forward. And my sadness continues to lighten up as time passes.