The Illuminated World

Friday, March 27, 2015


Today was another wonderful day.  And I was actually very conscious of the quality of this day while I was experiencing it.  I found myself appreciating the beauty of light filling the world.

I had a tasty lunch with my friend Ivan.  Before and after our meal we walked through a neighborhood in Minneapolis I rarely visit.  I noticed the various colors of the exteriors of homes in the neighborhood.  I noticed how bright the sky was.  I noticed sunlight vividly illuminating the still barren branches of trees and bushes.  The quality of the light was so comforting.

I thought back to this same time of year last year.  I first tried out EMDR therapy in 2013.  I was still adjusting to the consequences of all the treatment I had been undergoing when spring began to take the place of the brutal winter of 2013-2014.  I can recall relishing the return of green life when winter's legacy finally melted away last year.  And yet for all the beauty of that time only a year ago it doesn't stand out in my memory quite as clearly as what I am experiencing now.  It seems as if my eyesight is somehow continuing to improve long after I stopped doing so much intensive treatment featuring EMDR therapy.  It's my impression that my results are not necessarily typical of what others experience who try out EMDR.

The world seems to be growing more and more vivid with each passing week and month.  And this holds true for all five of my senses.  And yet it is the change in my vision that I notice most readily.  Some sort of cloudy veil began distorting my visual perception of the world when I was a kid.  This came about due to the trauma I experienced.  The veil is gone now.  And now I see a bright, illuminated and endlessly evolving world.

When spring finally conquers winter once again I have a feeling I will experience the blossoming of new life in a very profound way.

The static and stagnation inside me is gone.

Another Good Day

Thursday, March 26, 2015


As I continue to practice a growing set of increasingly fine tuned self-care skills I feel myself growing increasingly optimistic about what I can achieve and enjoy in the future.

Today I did the following healthy things:

• I attended my morning outpatient program.
• I spent some time focusing on my job search process.
• I exercised for ninety minutes this afternoon at the YMCA.
• I prepared a healthy dinner.
• I continued to keep track of my expenses so I can manage my financial resources better in the future.
• I made a plan to meet with a friend over lunch tomorrow.
• I interacted with some friends via social media.
• I wrote about a very vivid dream I had last night.

The days continue to grow longer and brighter.  The ice is melting away on area lakes.  As light fills the world more each day I feel my own soul filling more and more with light as well.  I am recovering.  I am growing healthier as time passes.

Caring

Wednesday, March 25, 2015


As I continue to enhance my own self-care skills I notice a profound transformation unfolding within me.  My feeling of being armored against the world is fading away.

It is very difficult for me to identify when I first began to feel armored against the world.  I believe my decision to armor myself against the world beyond my skin was an unconscious one that took place very early in my development.  I don't know how it could really have been any other way considering the circumstances of the earliest years of my life.  Bearing unwitting witness to a parent suffering a severe breakdown (which effectively permanently changes her life) is a frightening experience regardless of your own age.  But it's even more terrible for little children to witness.

The gradually thawing landscape of Minnesota serves as an apt metaphor for my own interior growth process.  The outer world is now mirroring my inner world.  I can now set aside the hard edged armor I wore for so many years.  But I don't have to cast my armor away completely.  I can keep it with me for use in times of difficulty.  But I will no longer wear it all the time.

Wearing armor can be an adaptive and comforting coping mechanism when you feel alone, unsupported or misunderstood in a world you perceive (correctly or incorrectly) as uncaring.  The world can sometimes feel as harsh as a respectable Minnesota winter.

As the return of the color green begins to announce the inevitable turning of the seasons I feel myself finally beginning to lighten up.  The growing light is filling up my own soul.

I can finally easily believe the truth that my conscious recovery process will one day reach a terminus in which I will no longer feel the need to seek out the support of weekly psychotherapy.

Curiosity

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


Living a life in which you honor the value of curiosity can prove challenging when trauma undermines the quality of your life.  Trauma can prove so debilitating that a person may come to cope with its impacts through self-isolation.  Living in a highly controlled and under-stimulating environment may prove an attractive solution to coping with trauma in the short term.  But what happens when this way of coping becomes a way of life?  Without mindfulness and a desire to continually grow we can become stuck.

Curiosity is an important gift of the explorer.  In fact, I would assert it is the indispensable gift of the explorer.  It is curiosity that inspires an explorer to venture into the darkness of realms unknown and unvisited.  To recover from trauma we must regularly bring a measure of curiosity with us on our healing journey.  We may fear what lurks in the darkness of our individual and collective ignorance.  And yet we may discover that immense gifts can be found in that very darkness.

Looking back it is clear to me that a shadowy veil cloaked my vision for many years.  I lived in a shadow engendered by the trauma of my early life history.  When I sought out additional treatment I did so knowing it was quite possible I would discover some terrifying things that might only compound the very low state of mind I was already in.  But my worst fear did not come to fruition.  Venturing into the darkness eventually led me to leave it behind.

Even now, twenty-one months after I embarked on treatment, I am still traversing the internal landscape of my sadness.  It is a familiar landscape whose contours I nonetheless was a bit loathe to more fully explore.  But I am gradually discovering and developing an entire kit of tools I can use such that my new life will be greater than the one I was living before June, 2013.

The highlight of my day was my decision to attend a weekly meeting of men who have participated in the New Warrior Training.  I found the experience more consoling and inspiring than I initially felt was realistic to expect.  I will allow my curiosity to inspire my deeper exploration of this personal growth opportunity.

Things That Broadside You

Monday, March 23, 2015


I had a productive session in my morning program today.  I only have a weeks left.

Winter made a return appearance last night.  The outdoor world is cloaked in a layer of wet snow.  It was one of those beautiful snowfalls in which there was very little wind.  The snow is clinging to everything outside.

I heard some news earlier that caused me to nearly gasp with sadness.  The nephew of a good friend of mine unexpectedly passed away.  I saw a picture of this newly deceased man on Facebook.  His wife is pregnant and due in May.  That child will never have the opportunity to meet his father in this life.  A picture of my friend's nephew was posted with the story of his passing.  He has an awesome smile in the picture.  I find it so sad to think that his child will never bask in the brightness of his smile.

The world doesn't make sense.  It never has made sense.  I don't think we can wrap our rational minds around losses like these.  They defy explanation.  And yet the heart, in its vast depths, must always reach for love.

How To Be Kind To Yourself

Monday, March 23, 2015


Last week I saw a nicely done image that depicted different ways a person can practice kindness for himself.  I decided to write them down and make some commentary about them.


Your mistakes are part of your learning

If this is true (and why shouldn't it be?) then I have learned quite a bit through my mistakes.  There are certain patterns that I want to finally break free of.  In the past I have occasionally been quite the impulsive person.  I now wish to focus on enhancing my decision making skills.


Don't compare yourself to others...you are not them

I have compared myself to others more often than I would care to fully acknowledge.  This is not unusual to do.  And it's especially normative if you are a gay man.  American culture also contributes to  this unhealthy behavior.  Men are often taught to value competition over collaboration.


There is no right way to do anything

Reading this statement brought to mind all sorts of funny imagery.  You mean there is no right way to mow your lawn? No.  You could go outside with a pair of rose bush clippers and clip each individual piece of grass short.  To successfully cross a street you can walk, run, skip or jump along.  Everyone has a unique way of achieving goals that is specific to that individual.


Stand up for what you believe...even if it's unpopular

I have become increasingly comfortable doing this.  I did it last year when I protested the quality of the leadership of a local arts organization I was once an active member of.  I was literally the only one willing to do this in the particular way I chose to do it.


Learn from people who criticize you

I believe it is a truism that those people we find irritating, annoying or even exasperating can often be unwittingly reminding us of something about ourselves we do not care to really consciously attend to.  So in a sense you can learn from both your friends and your so called enemies.


Accept your weaknesses as your "features"

The quality of our lives is directly related to how we think about our lives.  Rather than see ourselves as riddled with weaknesses we can instead visualize these 'issues' as growing edges or opportunities for growth.


Look at your past as an adventurous biography

If anyone could win an award for an adventurous life biography it would be me.  You can see it writ large in my resume.  I have practiced a lot of reframing of my life history.  Seeing your life in a different way can be very liberating.


Don't underestimate your talent until you apply it one hundred times

Put differently...practice makes perfect.  Being a perfectionist can be a difficult way of living in the world.  It can be even more difficult if you expect perfection the first time you try something!  It is a healthy practice to give yourself the time to grow into your talents.  Acorns do not become grand oak trees in the course of a single night.


Every single problem you have is not unique

The number of Americans who meet some number of criteria associated with PTSD is quite probably many millions.  You are not alone in your joy or your suffering.


Intelligence is relative, self-esteem is not

I am still mulling over this one a bit.  It is a healthy practice to find a way to focus your attention on the good you bring to the world.


Express your anger in a creative way

I took up boxing over a year ago.  I probably do this as a form of exercise at least once a week.  My blog once served as a good outlet for my anger.  Find a way to make the world a better place such that you can honor who you are in the world.


Surround yourself with people who want you to succeed

This is important.  Do not underestimate the value of your friends and mentors.  A positive, nurturing environment does wonders to foster human development.  A negative, oppressive one does not.  I think it true to claim that many people are in therapy due to early life experiences they are still working through.

A Spacious Sadness

Sunday, March 22, 2015

This was both a good and a difficult weekend for me.

Last night I found myself feeling a spacious sadness while waiting to take the bus into Minneapolis.  I went to a party last night.  I had a nice time.  And yet all the while I was aware of the sadness within me.  There are many roots to my sadness.

At one point I found myself remembering how it was this time of year three years ago that I left the West Coast to embark on a new segment of my professional development in Washington, DC.  I remember how I wasn’t able to be as present to my life as I am now.  The memories I have of that time in my life are not as clear as the memories I have created in the time since I first underwent EMDR therapy in the summer of 2013.

Although my life is much better than it was twenty-one months ago I still find myself feeling a lot of sadness.  The nature of my sadness has changed.  The sadness I now feel is very much connected to the years of my adulthood.  Memories of my life during the summers I worked for the National Weather Service have floated through my mind.  I found myself recalling the low-grade feeling of misery during those two summers.  I was sad but I wouldn’t acknowledge my sadness in a healthy way.  I didn’t seek out treatment.  And part of the reason I did not seek out help was I was still following the set of ‘values’ I had internalized from my family of origin.

Unwinding a thick and pervasive sadness can take quite a while.  But I continue to move forward.  And my sadness continues to lighten up as time passes.

Calm

Saturday, March 21, 2015

It is a measure of the progress I have made in my healing journey that I remained calm this morning.

I awoke a bit earlier this morning than I was planning to.  So I made my way to the YMCA.  And I finally attended the Saturday morning yoga class offered by one of my favorite instructors.  This particular instructor likes to use music as a tool to enhance the yoga class.  She will occasionally play music that somehow relates to a person or event that has special significance associated with the day in question.  Today she acknowledged a number of events that took place on March 21st.

Today, among other events, she acknowledged this plot from the television soap opera Dallas.  This show ran for a number of years while I was a kid living in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex.  It was not one of my favorite shows.  I never watched it regularly.  I felt an intense dislike of the show because I felt it embodied all the worst stereotypes of how Texans can behave.  The multiple forms of dysfunctional behavior (alcoholism, scheming and violence) exhibited by the characters were very depressing to watch.

When our instructor played the theme song from this show my mind was suddenly full of thoughts about the violence and dysfunction I experienced as a kid.  And yet I found myself remaining calm despite the reminder of this unpleasant aspect of my early life.  I didn't allow myself to get carried away by these old thoughts and memories.  I remained in the present moment and simply continued to breathe.

This was my not inconsequential victory of the day.  And it's only just now a few minutes past noon!

Sadness and Sustainability

Friday, March 20, 2015

As a way of continuing to develop and practice my self-care skills I felt the need to write about something that causes me sadness.

If you follow world events with any degree of regularity you probably have heard about the ongoing drought in California.  It’s been going on for years now.  I still have a number of good friends in California. I moved there at the tender age of twenty-five.  I can still vividly remember the drive I made across the country from Chicago to San Francisco in May, 1999.

California holds an iconic place in the American imagination. I didn't really have a good understanding of why this was so until I lived there. Contained within the borders of California are an incredible diversity of landscapes. The North Coast features amazing redwood trees. The Central Valley stands between two mountain ranges and is quite flat. Through man made irrigation the Central Valley is one of the most productive agricultural areas in the world. The topography adjacent to the California coast is a product on the fault lines that run up and down the state. California is, in a sense, an amusement park for the senses. It's something of a source of nirvana for outdoor enthusiasts. I think you could live your entire life in California and not easily exhaust the possibilities for travel and exploration.

And yet it appears that the explosive growth of California was made possible by a convergence of factors that may not be present again any time soon. Tree ring data from the Western United States bears out the reality that mega-droughts have impacted this region in the past. Yes, imagine droughts that endure not just years but decades. If California truly has one year of water left as noted in this article then what will happen if the rains fail to really come next wet season near the end of 2015?

When I attended graduate school in Monterey, California one of the common buzzwords in the world of environmental policy was sustainability. It appears the demands the California economy places on its natural capital are not sustainable. In other words they are not realistic.

I am saddened by what I see unfolding in California in part because it touches my heart as an artist. When I think of California I think of extraordinary colors. The state is full of so many colors of plants, landscapes, cultures and people. Some of the most breathtaking photographs I have ever taken I took while living in California.  Even if I was offered a great job in California I would hesitate to go back there. Why? Because I don't want to bear witness to such a magical place withering away. If the drought continues people may begin leaving the state in growing numbers in search of better opportunities elsewhere.

So what does this have to do with trauma?  Quite simply I think we humans are beginning to reap what we are sowing.  We cannot expect to fundamentally change the chemistry of the atmosphere and not expect the world to change as a result of our actions.  We are, in a sense, causing damage (you could call it trauma even if some might think you are being a bit hyperbolic) to the atmosphere by disrupting the state of atmospheric equilibrium that predates the Industrial Revolution.

When will we stop doing this?  Perhaps once we have done a certain amount of damage.  It’s my impression from what I witness of human behavior that many people will not make fundamental changes in their own behavior until they reach a point of crisis.  And sometimes even crisis isn’t apparently enough to inspire needed change.  Some people die prematurely because they simply won’t change their unhealthy ways of living.  And I think a resistance to change also tends to characterize the behavior of groups of people as well.

I want to be a part of a world that is sustainable and meets the needs of all people.  Can we create such a world?  I believe it is possible.

The Outsider Phenomenon

Thursday, March 19, 2015

I suppose my entry today is going to be a continuation of my comments yesterday about the value of belonging.

To feel that you are an outsider is to feel the opposite of how you feel when you feel you truly belong.  I often have felt like an outsider.  But how true is this perception of myself? And when I walk into a new situation what sort of expectations am I bringing with me? If I expect to feel like an outsider won't I make it that much more likely that I will create an experience for myself that only reinforces my existing notions about myself and the world around me?

I want to put aside this wrong way of viewing the world and what I can expect to experience.

......

Three of the members of my morning program graduated today.  I have three weeks remaining in the program.  I hope and plan to return next week.  I feel sad that such a large portion of our group is moving on.  Next Monday will be a very different experience.

An Open Letter To Someone I Never Met, Part IV

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


[This entry is a continuation of a series of writings I began last month.  This 'someone I never met' is the individual who, as a teenage boy in 1982, attempted to murder my father]

I found myself thinking about you this evening.  It's a quiet Wednesday evening.  Winter is faded away.    The beginnings of a new cycle of life are starting to appear.  There are buds on the tree outside my bedroom window.  The lakes and ponds are liquifying.  The grass is beginning to perk up.  And yet I feel some fear that this summer might be very dry and quite warm.  We had so little snow this winter that the earth already appears to be pining for a bit more moisture.

I wonder what you might be up to tonight.  I signed up to participate in a workshop on the last Saturday of the month.  I am interested in finding more healthy, quality men in my life.  I am interested in finding such men because it fulfills my loyal pursuit of one of my values: I want more rewarding relationships in my life.  I am hoping that by attending this workshop I might find my way along a path that leads me to better relationships.  I certainly want better relationships.  I need better relationships.

I made very healthy choices throughout my day today.  I ate meals that featured food I enjoyed.  The food was also fairly healthy.  I picked up some medication to help with the inflammation problem I have had with my feet for some time now.  I swam, boxed and did other exercises at the YMCA.  I wrote about my values on my computer.  I enjoyed the beauty of some photography.  I found myself savoring the gift of my eyesight.  And now I am enjoying the beautiful music of Carlos Nakai as I write and imagine you potentially one day actually reading what I write.  It will probably never happen.  But real life is sometimes stranger than fiction.

I sometimes wonder if you have children of your own.  If you are alive and do have children I wonder if you have raised them well.  There are so many suffering children in the world today.

Belonging

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


I witnessed a breathtaking sunrise this morning.  And this happened after I found another awesome image featuring the sun while perusing my Facebook account this morning.  It seems as if my eyesight continues to somehow improve.  The world appears sharper, brighter and more wondrous with each passing day.  I suspect this is what happens when the legacy of trauma finally begins to heal up inside your very being.  The world begins to look quite different.

So I find myself contemplating a value that inspires mixed and strong feelings.  That value is belonging.  The antithesis of belonging would seem to be alienation.  I often felt alienated as a younger man.  And this was certainly true when I was a teenager.  It has been too common a feeling of mine to feel as if I am still cleaning up the mess done to my own mind due to the eventful circumstances of my childhood. Put differently I feel as if I am still cleaning up the consequences of my father's choices from many, many years ago.

Now some might perceive me as engaging in a game of blame.  And I can see how it could be easy to conclude I am doing this.  And yet anyone who deeply delves into my life history would probably better understand why I feel as I do.  It has been difficult for me to feel as if I belong anywhere in particular.

I have a mother of German origin who is a citizen of Germany.  My father was born and raised in Arkansas.  My father met my mother while studying in Europe one summer.  The state of Arkansas has been getting some bad press lately due to the interesting pronouncements of one Tom Cotten.  For those of you not in the know Cotten is a Republican senator whose opinions on a variety of policy issues fall on the decidedly conservative side of the political spectrum.  I grew up in Texas.  I felt like an outsider much of the time.  Why?  Check out this article to understand why.  In my opinion Texas culture has some of the most warped conceptions of masculinity and personal freedoms I have ever been privy to.  It's my sense that far too many men associate the strength of their masculinity with their ability to carry a gun in view of the public.  In the minds of some men carrying a gun somehow makes you a bigger, better, more authentic man.  I would laugh more about this if I didn't find it so ridiculous.

I have enjoyed the fortune of being able to travel to many places in my life.  I have seen the beauty of places as diverse as Hawaii, Norway, Germany and Spain.  There are many more places I would like to see.  I have worked with Native American people.  My exposure to an immense variety of cultures has been an immense gift.  Many people will never enjoy some of the opportunities I have enjoyed.  My travel experience had the effect of broadening my world view.  I thus find it difficult to abide myopia as well as the fear many people can all too easily feel when they live out their whole lives in one corner of the world.

Feeling that you truly belong is something I believe is an important piece of the personal health puzzle. It is something that I am still working on to this day.

Beauty

Tuesday, March 17, 2015


Today I am writing about the value of beauty.

I noticed the beauty of the world this morning while taking a ride in a taxi cab.  I noticed the way sunlight was touching so many things...trees, the now visible grass so recently covered by winter's snow, windows, cars passing by on the highway and the sky itself.  And I noticed that I was noticing these qualities of the morning.  I felt very...alive.

I first tried out EMDR therapy in the summer of 2013.  Nearly two years has passed.  But I still find myself frequently experiencing moments of awe.  Sometimes I wonder how I could have missed so much of the world outside of my own skin.  My appreciation of the beauty of the world thus occasionally, and ironically, leads me down a path to sadness.  And then I find myself wondering how I reached a dark place by first noticing beautiful light.  But then I subsequently realize it's something of a natural response for me.  When an incorrect perception of the world outside your body alters your sense of the world for so long it can take a while to adjust to seeing the world clearly.  Even healthy change can bring us to unexpected and unwanted encounters with pain.

I find myself feeling an appreciation for the beauty of men I have not often previously felt so strongly.  I didn't feel myself really allowed to vocalize my appreciation of such beauty when I was a teenager.  Of course I was a teenager in the late 1980s and early 1990s.  And I grew up in Texas.  The culture of the state had a deep strain of homophobia at that time.  I didn't feel I could acknowledge what was growing within me while still living with my father.  He had too much fear within him.  My sense of his limitations would be confirmed years later when he handled my disclosure regarding my sexuality as badly as I had expected he would.

So sometimes I have this feeling that I am coming out all over again.  But this time the 'coming out' is a coming out...into...life.  To leave behind a veil that had long cast a shadow upon your eyesight is truly a remarkable gift.

Moving Forward

Monday, March 16, 2015

As I prepare to meet with my therapist again tomorrow I find myself feeling aware of a very strong feeling.  I am growing ready to stop talking about the past.  I am, in essence, finally reaching the end of the trauma resolution work I began in June, 2013.  In the early days of my conscious healing journey I frequently felt some anxiety that the process of healing would take many, many years for me to complete.  This may ultimately prove to be a prescient intuition.  But I can at least finally sense the ending of that portion of my process in which I am regularly seeking out the assistance of a therapist.

Yesterday, as a way of doing a bit more work on myself, I wrote out some notes on how to 'counteract' the different criteria associated with Complex PTSD.  I first learned of the idea of Complex PTSD last summer when I sought out a second opinion regarding my mental health diagnosis.  At the time I felt quite dismayed to learn that I could probably easily have been diagnosable for Complex PTSD if such a diagnostic term actually existed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Below appears a description of the six criteria I learned about.  My own antidote to each of these issues is noted under each criteria.

Emotional Regulation. 

May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.

I allow myself to make a space in my heart where the sadness can live.  My sadness does not have to define me.  I can allocate a small piece of my heart for sadness.  But the majority of my life I can make room for the good.

Consciousness. 

Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation).

If unpleasant memories arise I can see them as if they were mere images on a movie theatre screen.  I can look at these old images without becoming emotionally enmeshed in them.  No memory is greater than my capacity to live a healthy life.  Memories have no power to destroy us.  We can use memories to inform how we wish to live in the future.

Self-Perception. 

May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.

Suffering, loss and grief are a universal human experience.  Joy, love and fun are also something all people can experience.  There is no shame in not knowing how to do something.  As a human being I can see myself as a being who can evolve, learn and grow.

Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. 

Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge. 

I have the power to choose how I will live my own life.  I have the ability and responsibility to choose how I define my values, what constitute success and failure and what I want to be known for.

Relations with Others. 

Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.

There are trustworthy people all throughout the world.  I know this from past experience.  I can teach myself the skills necessary to live a productive, independent and rewarding life.

One's System of Meanings. 

May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair. 

I make time for that which I value.  I am the person best equipped to make decisions regarding the quality of my life.  I have value regardless of what I do, who I am, where I live, what my past history is, what my goals are, what my challenges are and so on.  We all have value simply because we are...because we are alive.

It's so nice when the pain of your past life history begins to fade away.

The Ides of March

Sunday, March 15, 2015


The Ides of March is personally significant for me.  Today is my five year anniversary of getting laser correction surgery done on my eyes.  I had the procedure done on March 15, 2010 in Santa Cruz, California.  My friend Emma helped take care of me immediately after the procedure.

At the time I had my procedure done I had no idea that my ability to perceive the world in a healthy way was still being clouded by my early life history.  Though I had undergone psychotherapy prior to 2010 it had not been definitively effective.  I know this now because the EMDR therapy I have since undergone within the last two years profoundly changed the way I perceive the world from inside my own body.  I didn't realize my ability to perceive the world with my five senses was being impacted by my unhealed trauma.  I can look back with clear hindsight and know that it was.

We had a very mild weekend here in Minnesota.  Though it will be much cooler this coming week the time of a persistent snow cover associated with winter is now long gone.  With the snow now gone the world is no longer so monochromatic.    I often found myself imagining the world exhaling as the snow proceeded to melt away in the last week.

I personally continue to feel better and better.  In one week I intend to try a slightly lower dosage of the SSRI I have been taking since late 2013.  My new goal is to wean myself off this medication completely in time for my next birthday in September.

Balance

Saturday, March 14, 2015


Today is my third day of writing about values and how they can link to trauma and trauma recovery. Today I am writing about balance.

My odyssey of recovering from trauma can be effectively described as a journey of rediscovering balance.  I am seeking to create balance in my life once again.  And as I have taken my journey of conscious healing I have consistently appreciated how imbalanced my life previously was.

I felt very burned out for quite a while.  But I wasn't fully acknowledging the depth of my feeling of being burned out.  Simply put I was giving far too much to others in comparison to what I was giving to myself.  I wasn't taking very good care of myself.  This was due in part to the fact that my self-care skills weren't the best.

Creating a balanced life is, it seems, a lifelong process.  We get the chance to create such a life each and every day we wake up and meet the world beyond our flesh and bones.  My life is much more balanced than it was as recently as two years ago.  I still have more work to do in order to feel fully free of my early life history.  But I feel encouraged by the progress I have made thus far.

Adventure

Friday, March 13, 2015


Today is my second day of writing about values from my Values Alphabet.  The word for today is adventure.

Adventure is something very dear to my heart.  You only need to look at my resume to know I have a love of variety and learning.  I crave new experiences.  The surest way for me to lose interest in something is for me to become bored.  This is true for my personal life as well as my professional life.

My love of adventure has inspired my travels to places such as Hawaii, Norway, Germany, Belgium, France and Spain.  I value the opportunity to travel.  I enjoy encountering new cultures and making new friends.  I love to learn!

So how does adventure connect to trauma?  I think it true that unhealed trauma can incline people to become risk averse.  When we fear for our very safety and wish to insulate ourselves from the harm that can sometimes result from taking risks it can become easy to shut our emotional health down and avoid opportunities to be spontaneous, to be inquisitive, to have fun and to travel.  Adventure can thus be something of an antidote to trauma.

I am very grateful that I have pursued the education and travel opportunities I have enjoyed throughout my life.  I have found it very difficult to imagine living in the same part of the world my entire life.

Attentiveness

Thursday, March 12, 2015


Today I am going to begin writing about different values.  I enumerated the values I will be writing about in my blog entry from yesterday.  I will be writing about values in alphabetical order.  Throughout my journey through the "values alphabet" I will attempt to always draw a connection between the value I am writing about and the issue of trauma.

Attentiveness

I think that attentiveness must be one of many ways to counteract the impact of trauma.  And conversely a lack of attentiveness can be construed as a potential indicator of unhealed trauma.  Why?  Traumatized people may cope by dissociating from their immediate environment.  I certainly had a tendency to dissociate.

It's my sense that attentiveness is not all that common in this American culture.  So many people have such busy lives that bringing an attitude of mindful attentiveness to each moment of each day seems to be a very tall order.

......

I had a very productive day today.  I managed to complete an application for a position in France.  I am simultaneously working on diligently clarifying my values so I can more effectively set and follow the goals that naturally flow from my values.

I am nearing completion of one major project.  In the next few weeks I expect I will finally be done doing whatever therapy is needed to address the traumatic residue of my early life history.  I find myself finally advancing to the period of my adulthood.  I have cleared up the upset and pain from the many disappointments of my childhood.

I still plan to attend therapy for some time to come.  But I can actually clearly sense the end of this journey approaching.  My goal is to complete attending psychotherapy by the end of 2015.

  

It's Time To Play...The Values Alphabet

Wednesday, March 11, 2015


I have been struggling a bit lately to find something compelling to write about in my blog.  My health has changed so dramatically in the last twenty one months that this is not at all surprising.  As my health has improved my needs have significantly changed.

Yesterday I found something new I could do in my daily writing.  I am going to write some commentaries about different values.  I will be using a list of values I found in a workbook I am using in the morning program I have been attending the last several weeks.  Yesterday evening I alphabetized a list of eighty five different words.  These words represent different values we may choose to direct the  way we live our lives.  Over the next eighty five days I will be writing commentaries about each of these values.

Here is the list I am going to use:

Attentiveness

Adventure

Balance

Beauty

Belonging

Calm

Caring

Citizenship

Comfort

Communication

Compassion

Connectedness

Conversation

Courage

Creativity

Curiosity

Detachment

Discipline

Diversity

Effort

Equality

Excitement

Expansiveness

Experience

Faith

Fitness

Flow

Forgiveness

Freedom

Fun

Health

Honor

Humor

Imagination

Independence

Integrity

Intelligence

Interdependence

Intimacy

Intuition

Justice

Kindness

Leadership

Learning

Love

Loyalty

Magic

Meaning

Nesting

Nurturance

Openness

Order

Organization

Patience

Peace

Perseverance

Play

Power

Productivity

Reliability

Respect

Reverence

Rhythm

Risk

Security

Self-expression

Self sufficiency

Sensuality

Serenity

Simplicity

Spirituality

Spontaneity

Stability

Stewardship

Strength

Structure

Sustainability

Thoughtfulness

Tolerance

Transcendence

Understanding

Warmth

Wisdom

Wit

Wonder

I will begin writing about these values tomorrow.

Some Wondrous New Developments

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The outside world is beginning to look quite a bit different.

I could smell spring in the air this morning.  And I could smell it in the air before the sun had even risen above the horizon.  As I walked to the bus stop this morning I took note of the waning gibbous moon low in the southern sky.  And I also noticed something quite different. There was almost no moonlight reflecting off snow.  The snow has essentially melted.  The monochromatic world of white, gray and brown hues is vanishing away.

I feel a certain 'spring' in my heart as well now.  I feel as if my psyche is thawing out.  I no longer feel such extremes as the heat associated with my old anger or the frigidity common to those who emotionally shut down and freeze others out.  The vividness of the reawakening world outside my windows is inspiring an equally vivid change inside my heart.

I had fun with my new bear friend today.  I decided to name my little teddy bear Hercules. Considering how I have often felt I was living the life of Hercules it seems fitting I bestow this name upon him.

I decided to apply to a job in France.  I'll be done with the application within the next twenty-four hours.  I am also continuing to look at other opportunities both near and far away.

I Have A New Friend

Monday, March 9, 2015


The fourth week of my morning outpatient program began today. I am feeling a lot better.  And it certainly helps that the evenings are full of light now. I also feel uplifted by the fact that I have a new friend.

Last week I spoke with one of the program therapists about a new idea I had for coping with my sadness.  I thought it could be good for me to have a stuffed animal to whom I could confide my feelings each day.  So now I have a cute little terry bear.  His fur is a pale ice blue color.  He has a brown bow tie with blue polka dots.  He is approximately nine inches tall.  I think he is adorable. And he doesn't have a name yet.

I imagined having a teddy bear would give me some comfort.  I can hug and cuddle him in moments when I feel sad and lonely.

I am an adult.  But that doesn't mean I can't do something simple and easy like having a cuddly teddy bear.  Some people might not imagine a forty-one year old man should have a teddy bear.  Aren't teddy bears just for kids?  I guess I can have my teddy bear be a friend to my inner child.

......

As my darker, more turbulent feelings subside I see my needs beginning to change.  My blog will be changing as well.  I just don't know what it will become.

Finding a new friend is a bit fitting to the ending of winter.  One aspect of Spring I find so exciting is watching the world wake up again.  Spring is a time of renewed possibilities.

The Thaw

Sunday, March 8, 2015


"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.  When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." - Thich Nhat Hanh

"Anger is a doorway to walk through rather than a house to live in." - Mary Hayes Grieco

This last week I finally finished walking through the doorway of my own old anger.  It took me about twenty months to walk through that door.  The door was something more like a deep tunnel. There were days when the tunnel seemed to be endless.  Discovering the tunnel was in fact not endless was a great source of joy and relief for me.

The world outside my windows is undergoing a profound transformation. Today will be the first day the evening comes an hour later.  There will still be light in the sky well past 7 p.m. While outside today I saw mallard ducks sunning themselves along the banks of a small stream.  The snow is melting away.  The cutting quality of winter's bitter winds is gone.  There will undoubtedly be some more cold days before the softness of spring takes firm root but it's clear winter is beginning to fade away.

I feel a lot better now.  There is a spaciousness inside me now that I wish to fill with something other than anger.  Perhaps I can fill it with something like 'an ocean of light'.  Mary used this phrase during her forgiveness workshop class this morning.  I liked the vivid imagery that came to my mind when I heard Mary utter this phrase.  I found myself remembering some of the beautiful life moments I experienced in Hawaii.

I also feel more excited about my future now.

A Feeling Of Decompression

Friday, March 6, 2015


This was a very good week for me.  I now feel a spaciousness within me I have not felt in a very, very long time.  I can breathe more easily.  I feel calmer, more centered and more hopeful.  My intellect and emotions feel more integrated.

I suppose being healthy, relaxed and 'drama-free' isn't very likely to inspire a growing viewership here on my blog.  My viewership continues to stagnate.  I suppose I am at a crossroads now.  I intend to keep writing but the content of what I will ultimately share here in my blog seems destined to change in the near future.

I still feel sad.  I am continuing to ponder a healthy way of coming to terms with my sadness.  I have felt sad throughout much of my life.  I have been aware of this reality for a very long time.  But I haven't really acknowledged it openly with a lot of other people.  I kept much of my suffering to myself.

I have been visualizing using the image of a heart and creating something of an altar to honor my sadness.  I need my sadness to have a place to quietly reside in my own heart.  But I also want to expunge what I feel is an excess sadness that sometimes still feels positively smothering to my peace of mind as well as my capacity to deeply breathe.

I am open to getting my needs met in new ways.

Gathering My Strength

Thursday, March 5, 2015


I find myself growing stronger with each passing day.  I still feel sad each day as well.  And yet with my ancient anger now faded away I feel there is more room inside me for something bigger and better.

My body feels quite different compared to the beginning of this week.  I feel lighter.  There is space inside me now where once there was my dark and abiding anger.  I can choose to fill this new space with sunshine as well as with intentions for a rewarding future.

"Be The Star Of Your Own Coloring Book"

Wednesday, March 4, 2015


Today I found myself contemplating what my life can be like without the burden of weighty anger.  During the outpatient program this morning (which I attend four mornings a week) I acknowledged the quiet discovery I made yesterday that my ancient anger from the wounding of my childhood trauma is no longer present.  I looked within myself and realized this yesterday.

My sadness remains.  I have been contemplating making a new agreement with myself regarding how I will acknowledge and honor my sadness.  I do not wish to have my sadness rule my life.  I believe my life can be rewarding, productive, enjoyable and full of love.  But I believe it might be realistic to expect that my sadness will linger a very long time.  So I imagine setting aside a piece of my heart where the sadness can always have a home.  I do not need to make space in my entire heart for my sadness.  I will instead allow a portion of my heart to be home to my sadness.

Sometimes I find myself feeling a bit bored during the morning program.  This in no way should be construed to be a judgment against the quality of the program itself.  While doing some coloring and doodling this morning I wrote down something that inspired me:

"Be the star of your own coloring book"

As the season of winter begins to fade away and the sap rises up within the trees in preparation for spring I find myself wanting to go outside and magically color the world with my own box of magic crayons.  I cannot make spring magically come to be but I can choose to be the star of my own world.  I want to create my own colorful, vibrant life and world.

Finally...A Change In My Weather

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


Something unexpected happened today.  I sat quietly, searched within myself and could not find any anger inside me regarding my early life history.  I feel plenty of sadness right now.  But I do not also have anger within me in relation to my earliest experiences of wounding.  That anger is gone.  I can celebrate that a fundamental change has finally come to pass regarding my psychic 'weather'.  I was surprised by the quietude that prevailed as I made my discovery.  It had a quality similar to how spring often seems to come to Minnesota.  That quality is subtlety.

The weather outside my skin is a bit frightful today.  The world is again bedecked in a (shallow) layer of white.  But the thaw is coming.  We might even have a spring that will put the last two springs to shame.  This wouldn't be a difficult task to achieve considering what passed for spring the last two years.

To have my ancient anger finally wither away is quite a milestone.  I'm still feeling a bit stunned as I sit and contemplate this incredible moment.  I still have plenty of life concerns in the present moment that I feel frustrated about.  But all these concerns feel like a much more manageable load to bear now that the very old psychic dreck is beginning to decisively clear up.

Patience can be a foundation for incredible joy.

The Inevitable Coming Of Spring

Monday, March 2, 2015


It's supposed to snow tomorrow.  Winter is nonetheless gradually passing away.  Our days are so much longer now.  Days featuring clear skies are incredibly filled with light.  As the light returns to the Northern Hemisphere I feel myself reaching what seems like an inevitable milestone.  This inevitable milestone is one that seems perfectly reasonable to expect will come to pass if you firmly commit to the process of personal growth.

I still feel sad.  I am starting to more thoroughly accept the possibility that some measure of my sadness might endure for much of my life.  But the sheer weight of the sadness I feel today is not likely to always persist.  I believe my sadness can improve with time.  I can move on and create a life much healthier than what I have lived previously.  And I am doing this each and every day.  I am showing up for myself with a dedication I never previously brought to my daily life.

I have noticed my blog viewership has been quite low lately.  Perhaps this is a natural consequence of the shift I am undergoing.  The drama of the suffering I was experiencing in 2013 is long gone.  Rebuilding a life can feel and be quite mundane in comparison to the different quality of life not uncommon to when a person is first adjusting to a life changing health condition.

I am uncertain what will transpire in the coming weeks and months.  I do feel confident I will continue to become healthier as time passes.  I am too committed to my own wellness for this not to happen.

As the sunlight outside my window melts a bit more of the meager snow cover that remains I feel both a calm relief as well as a soft encouragement that my life is indeed improving and the possibilities of my future are indeed still immense.

Becoming Healthy

Sunday, March 1, 2015


A new month has begun.  And I plan to make this month be the very first month I do some things I have never done before.  Last month I took an important and healthy step regarding my financial health.  I created a spreadsheet to start closely monitoring my income and expenses.  I began toying with the idea of keeping track of how I spend money each and every day in a way that would work for me.

I originally had a story running in my mind that the process of becoming so much more conscious regarding my finances would be a very painful experience.  It wasn't.  This fundamental difference between what I thought would happen and what actually did happen reminded me yet again that we shouldn't be so quick to buy into the thoughts that go through our minds.  I have known there is wisdom in maintaining a measure of detachment from the stream of thoughts we have each and every day.  This recent experience regarding my finances is a good reminder of this truth.

My sadness and grief is still with me.  This has been true for years.  But I do feel the heaviness of my sadness continuing to lighten up bit by incremental bit.  I know the turning of the seasons will help boost my sense of moving further forward in my healing journey.  Sometimes it's just the inevitable passage of time that must take place for healing to naturally unfold.

Tomorrow will mark the beginning of my third week of attending my morning outpatient program.  I have been feeling a bit confused lately as to what I ultimately can reasonably expect to gain from participating in the program.  But instead of making my state of confusion into something horrible that I must eliminate I am allowing myself to be willing to live with the uncertainty.

My future is not certain.  I can interpret this as good, bad or both.  I have the ability to choose how I will experience uncertainty.