Sunday, January 5, 2014
Even as I continue to restore my health I find myself occasionally hit valleys on the upward trend line of my progress. I have been feeling myself to be in a valley in the last day or so. It's not the cold outside that has me upset; I managed to keep myself entertained throughout much of the day with a movie marathon. I feel a bit down again because the issue I had with the quality of the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus seems to be dying a slow death.
Yesterday, while online, I was unpleasantly surprised to discover that my former landlord had attempted to look at my profile, yet again, on an online dating site. I had previously blocked him from accessing my profile shortly after I first received my notice of eviction in November. I thought that my more recent correspondence in which I revealed I had learned the fuller history of one of his dogs and also disclosed the other issues I had not previously voiced to him would have made it quite clear how upset I was with him for what I believe any sound thinking, reasonable person would call negligence. So to see him attempting to look at my profile yesterday was all the more bizarre. His behavior has now reached close to that threshold beyond which you could easily call him a stalker.
The issue of harassment within the organization and my landlord's subsequent poor behavior were enough to deal with. But this issue is also painful for me in a different way. It causes me to question the quality of my own judgment. How could I have been so wrong about this man whom I trusted? I see clearly part of the reason I trusted him more than I might otherwise have was that he was (and I assume still is) a member of the Board of Directors of the organization. My understanding is that he has been a singing member for many years. I think it's quite natural to assume someone must be trustworthy when you learn they serve on a Board for a major arts organization. And yet assumptions can easily be the cause of misunderstandings and much more. Obviously my initial impression was not correct.
And so now I am working through the grief of the end of any hope I had that perhaps somehow I could return to the organization and participate if I desired to. In early December I still held that hope. Now I don't. Several current members, including my former landlord, would all have to depart the organization before I would even consider rejoining. It's a healthy choice for me to put this experience behind me and move on.
It was all too easy for this unfortunate experience to reopen my ancient wounding around trust. When my mother became seriously ill with schizophrenia she would sometimes go into rages and become violent. I can consciously recall that persistent feeling of anxiety I had throughout so much of the time when I was a child. It is no wonder I developed an anxiety disorder. I simply did not feel fully safe.
My recovery has gone quite well thus far. I have never felt as good as I do now even with the issues I am still confronting. I am confident I will be able to continue to move forward and thoroughly heal. I need to continue to bring some conscious awareness to this tendency I have had to invite people into my life too fast. The consequences of such minimal boundaries can be quite harmful.
I am going to continue working on my list of goals for 2014 this coming week. It will be easy to work on them tomorrow as I plan to spend a majority of the day inside away from the bitter cold.
Even as I continue to restore my health I find myself occasionally hit valleys on the upward trend line of my progress. I have been feeling myself to be in a valley in the last day or so. It's not the cold outside that has me upset; I managed to keep myself entertained throughout much of the day with a movie marathon. I feel a bit down again because the issue I had with the quality of the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus seems to be dying a slow death.
Yesterday, while online, I was unpleasantly surprised to discover that my former landlord had attempted to look at my profile, yet again, on an online dating site. I had previously blocked him from accessing my profile shortly after I first received my notice of eviction in November. I thought that my more recent correspondence in which I revealed I had learned the fuller history of one of his dogs and also disclosed the other issues I had not previously voiced to him would have made it quite clear how upset I was with him for what I believe any sound thinking, reasonable person would call negligence. So to see him attempting to look at my profile yesterday was all the more bizarre. His behavior has now reached close to that threshold beyond which you could easily call him a stalker.
The issue of harassment within the organization and my landlord's subsequent poor behavior were enough to deal with. But this issue is also painful for me in a different way. It causes me to question the quality of my own judgment. How could I have been so wrong about this man whom I trusted? I see clearly part of the reason I trusted him more than I might otherwise have was that he was (and I assume still is) a member of the Board of Directors of the organization. My understanding is that he has been a singing member for many years. I think it's quite natural to assume someone must be trustworthy when you learn they serve on a Board for a major arts organization. And yet assumptions can easily be the cause of misunderstandings and much more. Obviously my initial impression was not correct.
And so now I am working through the grief of the end of any hope I had that perhaps somehow I could return to the organization and participate if I desired to. In early December I still held that hope. Now I don't. Several current members, including my former landlord, would all have to depart the organization before I would even consider rejoining. It's a healthy choice for me to put this experience behind me and move on.
It was all too easy for this unfortunate experience to reopen my ancient wounding around trust. When my mother became seriously ill with schizophrenia she would sometimes go into rages and become violent. I can consciously recall that persistent feeling of anxiety I had throughout so much of the time when I was a child. It is no wonder I developed an anxiety disorder. I simply did not feel fully safe.
My recovery has gone quite well thus far. I have never felt as good as I do now even with the issues I am still confronting. I am confident I will be able to continue to move forward and thoroughly heal. I need to continue to bring some conscious awareness to this tendency I have had to invite people into my life too fast. The consequences of such minimal boundaries can be quite harmful.
I am going to continue working on my list of goals for 2014 this coming week. It will be easy to work on them tomorrow as I plan to spend a majority of the day inside away from the bitter cold.
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