Sunday, January 19, 2014

This Ponderous, Leaden Grief

Sunday, January 19, 2014

This grief within me sometimes feels like its behavior resembles the ocean.  It comes upon me in waves.  Some days I feel inundated.  Other days the wave of grief recedes and more 'positive', light emotions predominate.  Today has been another mixed day.  I felt good throughout much of the day.  Now, upon arriving home, the sadness within me feels immense.

I went to All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church this morning for the 10 am service.  It was probably the most well attended service I have seen since I started attending last September.  The new pastor is a very engaging, enthusiastic man; I can imagine the congregation will grow in size in the coming months and years.  I was even asked if I might be willing to consider doing some training in the near future to assume a more active role within the church.  That is something I will have to ponder over the coming weeks.  I already have plenty on my plate.

Earlier this afternoon I attended a workshop.  I'm going to spare the details of the experience in this posting simply because sharing more now will take this blog in a direction I am not quite ready to imagine least not yet.  Suffice it to say that when I began my journey of recovery from PTSD last summer I decided to allow myself to think openly and imagine all sorts of possibilities for the future of my life.  I believe it is important that I cultivate such a spirit of openness and willingness to entertain many different options given my existing professional background, my interests and the burden that the pain I have carried around has caused me throughout so much of my life.  It still feels so weird not to be anxious all the time!

Today was the mildest day we have had in some time here in Minneapolis.  The roads are a sloppy or wet mess because the temperature reached about 40F!  I was able to walk the dogs without a coat on!  The icy vise of winter relaxed its grip on us.  It was a welcome reminder that one day, when the sun's power has grown sufficiently strong, the ice will melt, the soils will thaw and the trees will bloom.  Until then I am focused on continuing to do my grief work.  And what work it is.

This coming week is going to prove an eventful week for me.  I'm finally essentially ready to communicate with other members of my paternal family regarding my wants and needs.  I am not holding out any hope that I will receive a stellar and amazingly supportive response.  But I need to be myself and speak from my painful and scary as it may be.  Courage is my greatest ally now.

Also important will be my visit to a podiatrist on Thursday.  I am hoping for the best.  I pray I will not have some sort of new journey of physical therapy ahead of me to address whatever the issue is in my left foot.  But I will do what is necessary.  I will not cease until my life is as I wish it to be.  Who knows how long that might take!

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!