Navigating the Never Dull World

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I went out last night in the hope of seeing some good friends.  And though I did see some people I consider friends I also, unfortunately, saw two people I would rather have never met earlier in my life.  I went home earlier than I had planned.  Before the bus picked me up I found myself sobbing outside in the darkness of a thankfully mild winter night.

I am so tired of being hurt.  I am so very exhausted by the impact of so many experiences in which I have placed my trust in another person or organization and then had my trust deeply violated by the conduct of said person or organization.  I see that one of my seminal life issues is that of the injustice of living in a world when there are no consequences for the thoughtless, unethical, amoral, vindictive and (or) even dangerous conduct of other human beings.  I know there are many people out there who have experienced such pain and disenfranchisement.  History, recent and otherwise, is replete with such examples.  And yet somehow it doesn't make it much easier for me to go through what I am going through now even knowing this easily verifiable truth.

It's very difficult for me to be around people who have such serious issues that they cannot bring themselves to confront.  That was much of my life story growing up.  I feel that my father's family continually avoided acknowledging my father's very serious issues even though such avoidance put me at very real risk of harm.  Being in denial was apparently more important than my own safety.  I've had this thought and the associated feelings many times and maybe it will bore some of my devoted readers to see it again in print but that's simply how I feel and I am very aware of it again today due to seeing some similarly 'tuned out' people last night.  But then again isn't that something you are likely to see at a bar?  Bars are a magnet for alcoholics and others wishing to drink their troubles away; it's probably best for someone like myself to seek friendship, connection, brotherhood, etc elsewhere while I am still actively pursuing my recovery from PTSD.  I recall earlier in my recovery that I made a commitment to myself to refrain from activities that would put me at risk by hindering my recovery.  I believe it may be time to reassess my activities in the spirit of this commitment.

Despite the downward plunge I experienced last night I am doing well overall.  I have additional physical therapy and acupuncture appointments to complete in the coming weeks.  I feel quite solid from my waist down now.  As I continue to work on my left shoulder I want to put a plan in place to further build and rebuild my upper body.  My revised goal is to be complete with all active physical therapy activities no later than March 1st.