Sunday, January 26, 2014
When my plan to go to Chicago fell through yesterday morning I decided to refocus and use my time to continue actively working on my own recovery process. Today I was a well behaved guy; I went to the YMCA this afternoon despite the quickly deteriorating weather conditions (there is currently a blizzard warning just west of the Twin Cities). I did my shoulder exercises, swam twenty laps in the pool and then did some boxing.
As I continue to remodel the person I present to the world I am allowing myself to pursue all sorts of activities I previously excluded and imagined were the province of people I would not fit among. I had never previously thought of myself as an athlete or even all that capable of becoming an athlete even if I set my mind to such a project. And now I find myself wondering why. Why did I abdicate so much of my personal power to ideas about myself which were not truly my own nor ideas I wanted actually to hold? In some sense I believe the answer goes back yet again to my early life history and the trauma I experienced which led to the development of my PTSD. It was simply easier to succumb to others' projections and definitions of me rather than adamantly resist and more vigorously assert myself in the world. That time is over now. I will not go back to this old way of being.
As I have noted in more recent postings I presented a person to the world who was far more passive that is true to my authentic self. As I have pursued a very proactive course of healing myself I realize that the person I am becoming is truly the person I always was. I simply was hiding that man from the world at large. I was living too much in fear and in pain. The trauma I experienced did such a number on my brain...and I wasn't even fully aware of it!
I have long thought of boxing as an activity associated with very masculine men. And because I had long agreed with an inaccurate persona for myself that was fairly passive as somehow being my true self I did not allow myself to think of boxing as something I could or should pursue. It was a very masculine activity...and I was not a very masculine man...or so I thought. What nonsense that was!
Today, as I practiced punching, I noticed my hand-eye coordination is already improving. I am able to punch faster and keep up with the motion of the punching bag more easily. Practice makes perfect...or at least better!
As I keep faithful to my healing process I continue to entertain that grandest of questions that we can ideally ask ourselves in our lives: What is possible in my life? What can I ultimately achieve? I am amazed at how quickly I am improving. On Tuesday my therapist is going to reassess me according to the criteria used to diagnose PTSD. It seems entirely possible that I will be un-diagnosable long before the end of 2014.
When my plan to go to Chicago fell through yesterday morning I decided to refocus and use my time to continue actively working on my own recovery process. Today I was a well behaved guy; I went to the YMCA this afternoon despite the quickly deteriorating weather conditions (there is currently a blizzard warning just west of the Twin Cities). I did my shoulder exercises, swam twenty laps in the pool and then did some boxing.
As I continue to remodel the person I present to the world I am allowing myself to pursue all sorts of activities I previously excluded and imagined were the province of people I would not fit among. I had never previously thought of myself as an athlete or even all that capable of becoming an athlete even if I set my mind to such a project. And now I find myself wondering why. Why did I abdicate so much of my personal power to ideas about myself which were not truly my own nor ideas I wanted actually to hold? In some sense I believe the answer goes back yet again to my early life history and the trauma I experienced which led to the development of my PTSD. It was simply easier to succumb to others' projections and definitions of me rather than adamantly resist and more vigorously assert myself in the world. That time is over now. I will not go back to this old way of being.
As I have noted in more recent postings I presented a person to the world who was far more passive that is true to my authentic self. As I have pursued a very proactive course of healing myself I realize that the person I am becoming is truly the person I always was. I simply was hiding that man from the world at large. I was living too much in fear and in pain. The trauma I experienced did such a number on my brain...and I wasn't even fully aware of it!
I have long thought of boxing as an activity associated with very masculine men. And because I had long agreed with an inaccurate persona for myself that was fairly passive as somehow being my true self I did not allow myself to think of boxing as something I could or should pursue. It was a very masculine activity...and I was not a very masculine man...or so I thought. What nonsense that was!
Today, as I practiced punching, I noticed my hand-eye coordination is already improving. I am able to punch faster and keep up with the motion of the punching bag more easily. Practice makes perfect...or at least better!
As I keep faithful to my healing process I continue to entertain that grandest of questions that we can ideally ask ourselves in our lives: What is possible in my life? What can I ultimately achieve? I am amazed at how quickly I am improving. On Tuesday my therapist is going to reassess me according to the criteria used to diagnose PTSD. It seems entirely possible that I will be un-diagnosable long before the end of 2014.
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