Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Even now, seven months into my recovery process, there are days when I really would prefer to stay at home and relax in bed. I certainly am not depressed now (that ended last August) but that doesn't mean remaining committed to the new direction I am charting is always easy. We all have good days and difficult days. And sometimes even the good days can feel difficult because it might seem like the world around us is frozen and unmoved by all the changes we make in our own lives. Today seems to be such a day for me. Everything seems to be moving forward and I would say that this is objectively true and not just an appearance. And yet there is my pain within me coaxing me to befriend it so I may be freed from its grasp.
I have a mixed relationship with the dormancy of the world beyond my windows. Some days I feel the silence and deep cold of winter is an excellent invitation to do the deep work of grief that I feel I must finally attend to in a healthy way. On other days I look outside and wish I would see the warmth and green of a summer day beckoning me to go outside. Those days will come one day again. I just wish I wasn't already pining for them now. Our season of winter is not very old quite yet but I already feel a bit weary of the continual chill.
Today has not been a "bad" day based on all appearances I have seen thus far. I woke up easily. I ate breakfast. I took my supplements and medication. I left home on time to catch the bus. I had a productive meeting with my career coach. I set some goals to accomplish before I meet with her next Wednesday. I will be meeting my friend Keith for lunch in a short while. And then I will go to the YMCA and once again exercise.
Laying down new healthy habits and new healthy neural pathways in the brain is not something you do overnight. It's not even something you do in the course of several months and necessarily expect amazing changes to greet your vision. But change does happen. Just like the thaw of a Minnesota winter that occasionally feels all too slow change will come. I just have to be patient. More patience is needed! And the reward of patience is...patience!
I know my grief is with me today. I feel its weight. I know I have stepped through a door of no return...another departure into a future life as I leave the past behind. In recently disclosing (this past Monday) to some of my relatives that I sought out legal recourse against my father last summer I have (I believe) made it radiantly clear just how angry, disenchanted and demoralized I am with my father's dysfunctional behavior. I have waffled in my stance with my father many a time in the past. I will do so no more. Setting a firm boundary with him is a very painful action for me to take. But it is necessary for my own recovery and future health that I excise from my life sources of anxiety that I cannot forcibly change. I cannot make my father magically transform into another man. I have to let go...regardless of how painful it may be. And yet the pain is very real and very deep.
I do not feel like I am going through the motions today. And yet I still feel heavy. I feel happy to be alive and I look forward to the remainder of what I have planned for today. When the mere passage of each moment feels arduous I can do something that I have found so helpful throughout difficult times in my life. I can breathe deeply. I can remember all the good in my life. I can recall all those amazing moments I have enjoyed. I can focus on my amazing resiliency. I can dream of a better tomorrow...and by dreaming it will eventually come to be.
I took some action yesterday in my continuing job search. I felt some sense of accomplishment when the day had ended. I made effort to move forward. The magic of the Universe is still a vital ingredient though. Grace in an essential element in all of our lives. May grace continue to be with me as I transform into the man that has always been inside me.
Even now, seven months into my recovery process, there are days when I really would prefer to stay at home and relax in bed. I certainly am not depressed now (that ended last August) but that doesn't mean remaining committed to the new direction I am charting is always easy. We all have good days and difficult days. And sometimes even the good days can feel difficult because it might seem like the world around us is frozen and unmoved by all the changes we make in our own lives. Today seems to be such a day for me. Everything seems to be moving forward and I would say that this is objectively true and not just an appearance. And yet there is my pain within me coaxing me to befriend it so I may be freed from its grasp.
I have a mixed relationship with the dormancy of the world beyond my windows. Some days I feel the silence and deep cold of winter is an excellent invitation to do the deep work of grief that I feel I must finally attend to in a healthy way. On other days I look outside and wish I would see the warmth and green of a summer day beckoning me to go outside. Those days will come one day again. I just wish I wasn't already pining for them now. Our season of winter is not very old quite yet but I already feel a bit weary of the continual chill.
Today has not been a "bad" day based on all appearances I have seen thus far. I woke up easily. I ate breakfast. I took my supplements and medication. I left home on time to catch the bus. I had a productive meeting with my career coach. I set some goals to accomplish before I meet with her next Wednesday. I will be meeting my friend Keith for lunch in a short while. And then I will go to the YMCA and once again exercise.
Laying down new healthy habits and new healthy neural pathways in the brain is not something you do overnight. It's not even something you do in the course of several months and necessarily expect amazing changes to greet your vision. But change does happen. Just like the thaw of a Minnesota winter that occasionally feels all too slow change will come. I just have to be patient. More patience is needed! And the reward of patience is...patience!
I know my grief is with me today. I feel its weight. I know I have stepped through a door of no return...another departure into a future life as I leave the past behind. In recently disclosing (this past Monday) to some of my relatives that I sought out legal recourse against my father last summer I have (I believe) made it radiantly clear just how angry, disenchanted and demoralized I am with my father's dysfunctional behavior. I have waffled in my stance with my father many a time in the past. I will do so no more. Setting a firm boundary with him is a very painful action for me to take. But it is necessary for my own recovery and future health that I excise from my life sources of anxiety that I cannot forcibly change. I cannot make my father magically transform into another man. I have to let go...regardless of how painful it may be. And yet the pain is very real and very deep.
I do not feel like I am going through the motions today. And yet I still feel heavy. I feel happy to be alive and I look forward to the remainder of what I have planned for today. When the mere passage of each moment feels arduous I can do something that I have found so helpful throughout difficult times in my life. I can breathe deeply. I can remember all the good in my life. I can recall all those amazing moments I have enjoyed. I can focus on my amazing resiliency. I can dream of a better tomorrow...and by dreaming it will eventually come to be.
I took some action yesterday in my continuing job search. I felt some sense of accomplishment when the day had ended. I made effort to move forward. The magic of the Universe is still a vital ingredient though. Grace in an essential element in all of our lives. May grace continue to be with me as I transform into the man that has always been inside me.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!