Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Return of the Alpha Male

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

As I noted in a posting last month my therapy has progressed far enough that the veneer I once presented to the world has crumbled away.  My real personality is finally beginning to show through in a consistent way.  Though people who have known me for a long time are almost sure to recognize my physical appearance they are much less likely to perhaps recognize my personality.  I have a strong alpha male in me that I have rarely fully shown to the world.  It might have emerged earlier in my life had I had more examples of strong male personalities to look to for guidance and support.  But I hid my alpha male power because I simply felt too beaten down by the various involuntary experiences I was subjected to.  Now, having gone through a sufficient amount of therapy, the real me is emerging.

My own personal life journey leads me to believe that one doesn't overcome the impact of having an anxiety disorder for about thirty-five years overnight.  It takes time to heal and revolutionize your life.  But it can happen...and I see it happening in my own life.  I am rapidly changing and healing.  And yet even so this transformation in which I am moving in the direction of a life I want to live is not something that lacks grief.  Grief is a part of the process.  Grieving is a part of the process.  I am working on that grieving process now.  It is the step I now find myself in as I continue therapy.

Exercise has become one way I have been doing my grief work.  I feel that I missed out on so much in my 'younger' years because the impact of trauma was clouding my vision, burdening my heart and weighing heavy on my mind.  Thus even when I was out in the world doing amazing and enjoyable things I was not fully present to the experience.  I thus was not fully experiencing what was around me because I myself was not completely there.  A part of my consciousness was not present.  Now that long burden is gone.  Waking up to a life without a traumatized mind is certainly an amazing process.  And some days it nearly scares me witless.  And then other days I feel an exhilaration I never thought possible.  It feels like I am a teenager all over again!

My traumatized personality was quite passive.  Rather than act as a powerful agent in the world I too often acted in response to what the world presented to me.  I wasn't really a pro-active person.  Now I am living a proactive life.  And wow what a difference that has made!

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!