Monday, January 13, 2014

Starting Over at Forty: Drinking With My Eyes

Monday, January 13, 2014

I found myself feeling better and better as the hours ticked away yesterday.  I feel blessed to have some very good friends who will listen to me and show me love and compassion.  I need plenty of that.

As I stood waiting for the bus last night the phrase 'drinking with my eyes' came to me yet again.  I found myself looking at the white Christmas lights in the trees lining Nicollet Mall on the north edge of downtown and recalling another holiday season many years ago when I first was given eyeglasses as a kid.  I can still remember how all these little white lights strung through trees inside the mall suddenly became crystal clear when I put those glasses on.  I had no idea at the time that the grief within me was distorting my vision.

I now find myself finally feeling ready to disentangle the various strands of grief within me.  Diving through my excess anger led me to a reservoir of grief.  As I have progressed forward these last six months I have also found myself feeling a new form of grief.  As it has become increasingly clear just how long I had been under the influence of an anxiety disorder I have realized how I have rarely functioned in my life in a way that allowed for clear perception of the world around me.  To experience such anxiety for over three decades and then to gradually come to that realization is no small matter.  It's a huge leap forward in my own evolution.  And yet it's painful to realize the quality of my life was being consistently undermined by this anxiety for so very long.

The world around me feels so magical now.  I find myself feeling as if I have a voracious appetite for everything...especially attractive men.  Every time an attractive man crosses my path I find myself struggling not to stare; I want to drink in his beauty with my eyes.  I notice the vast variety of colors and forms in a way I never have before.  Subtle variations in light intrigue me.  The innumerable hues in the sky also captivate me.  There now seems to never be a dull moment.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!