Friday, January 31, 2014

A Bitter End to a Bitter Month

Friday, January 31, 2014


A local seasoned meteorologist likes to call cold weather of a certain severity Nanook.  It's been quite Nanook here in Minnesota this winter.  It's been the type of winter that long-time Minnesotans can respect.  We've had plenty of nights below 0F.  We've had plenty of days below 0F...in my opinion.
As I sit and compose this final entry of January, 2014 I am enjoying morning light filtering into the house.  The sun is greeting quite a landscape of snow though.  After yesterday's snowfall I believe we have about 16-18 inches on the ground in the Twin Cities.  We live on planet Hoth now.

Bitter cold is a good inspiration to speak about an unfortunate human experience, namely bitterness.  Of all the prevailing affective states bitterness ranks near the top of the scale of least desirable states to be stuck in.  It must be up there somewhere with despair and rage.  Anger, in my opinion, is preferable to bitterness.  Why?  Because anger has an energetic quality to it that bespeaks of a greater amenability to being confronted and tempered.  Anger is something you feel in the moment when someone does something you take immense offense to.  Anger is something you can feel for relatively short periods of time when circumstances prove stressful and wearisome.  Bitterness is another matter.

Bitterness is the inevitable fruit of long un-extinguished pain and suffering.  Bitterness grows when suffering goes not only on for a lengthy period of time but also unacknowledged.  Bitterness is a close relative of alienation, isolation and despair.  Bitterness is something a person who has lost precious elements of their lives (people, opportunities, a home, etc) time and time again can begin to feel when the related inevitable grief goes ignored.  Bitterness, in a sense, is grief driven underground for so long that it metastasizes into a darker form.  To be bitter is to feel so wounded in the heart chakra that no balm of healing will quickly bring relief.  In short, bitterness is something I prefer not to experience.

I feel grateful to state that bitterness has thankfully not been my prominent affective state for any long period of my life history.  I would by lying to say I have not felt bitterness at some point in my life.  In my case I suppose the anger I carried turned into more of a depression than a bitterness.  In my experience bitterness has a harder edge than depression; bitterness has a brittle quality whereas depression has a leaden heaviness to it.

As I continue to address the unacknowledged grief I have carried within me I feel that I am lightening up over time.  But it's a process.  It won't happen overnight.  It has taken me seven months just to reach the place I am now...namely sub-clinical for PTSD, more optimistic about my future and the healthiest, holistically speaking, that I have ever been.  I now feel energized by the idea of contemplating great future possibilities for myself.  I am excited by what is possible.  I am excited about how much I am striving for a better future and how dedicated I remain to all my healthy habits.  And I am excited that this bitter winter has not overwhelmed me more than it occasionally has.  My Vitamin D prescription has been a life saver.  But then again so has my phototherapy box, exercise and therapy.  These have all been vital ingredients to my recovery.

Despite the severity of the winter climate here in Minnesota and the passive-aggressive undercurrent to the local culture that I could do without I am nonetheless grateful for many aspects of Minnesota.  And one in particular I am so grateful for is the health care system this state offers its people.  It's one of the best I have ever found.  I do not know who I would be today if I didn't have a great health care plan that made it possible for me to walk a journey of recovery as intensive as the one I have walked.


I took advantage of the winter weather yesterday to drop by the Abbott Northwestern campus yesterday and get in to see my physical therapist for my foot.  I'm now on my way through what I hope will be the last targeted body part I need to deal with.  I try not to think too much of how I found myself in need of so much physical therapy.  To do so is to invite in a depression I do not need.  My commitment to myself is to remain physically fit so I do not find myself in such a storm of issues again.

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