Monday, June 30, 2014

Myths Relevant to the Realm of Grief

Monday, June 30, 2014


The anniversary of the beginning of my blog is this Wednesday.  My life is much, much different than it was a mere year ago.  Thankfully I have worked through a lot of the anger I was carrying around.  Now, as I have noted more frequently in posts from the last several months, the grief and sadness is what predominates my affect.  I have my moments of happiness but they are not yet very consistent.  In time I trust that this will change.  As for now I try to ride the waves of grief as best as I can.

In honor of my grieving process as well as the year anniversary of my deeper journey I offer the following listing of myths related to grief.  I myself did not create this list.  I took it word for word from a piece of material that came across my eyes last year.  I'll have to look up the source later.  As I read through the list I can see that I still struggle with some of these myths.


MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF

Talking is the only way through...
Grief needs expression but there are many ways, some of them silent


After one year, things are much better...
Grief has no timeline


Not crying is a sign of denial or abnormal grief
Crying is individual and has a lot to do with history


Men grieve one way, women another
Some people emote, others do not


Children grieve briefly, or not at all
Children grieve for a long time, in intervals and it often resurfaces at developmental milestones


Working a lot is a sign of delayed or denied grief
Distraction is a normal response to grief unless one compromises other life commitments


Going to the cemetery is a necessary ritual in grief
This ritual is highly individual and often related to family traditions


People related to each other (should) grieve alike
Each had a unique relationship to the person or event that happened and will react in their own way and on their own timetable

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Scars Show Us Where We Have Been. They Don't Dictate Where We May Go

Sunday, June 29, 2014


The title for my blog entry today seems a very fitting one since it is Gay Pride weekend here in Minneapolis.  And somehow I have managed to find a clear answer to a question which was asked of me last November when I ran as a contestant in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle competition.  I recall begin asked this question: 'What do you think is the biggest challenge facing our community?'  I recall not having a good sense of it then.  I'm still developing a more educated opinion on this subject now.  But I would be willing to wager a more informed educated guess.  I believe a big problem the leather community faces is not being listened to by the broader culture (in a spirit of openness and inclusivity).  And in that regard I believe this issue is reflected in American culture at large.  We are not much of a culture that engages in active listening.

As a gay man who came of age in the 1980s and 1990s I am all too aware of the ignorance and religion inspired hatred that still fills many people's minds.  I was largely spared the suffering that consumed the lives of many gay men who were born some ten to twenty years before me.  Many of these men experienced horrific devastation as a result of the AIDS epidemic.  The suffering of the AIDS epidemic was compounded further when some within our society demonized gay people and called AIDS 'God's punishment' for 'choosing' a 'lifestyle' contrary to God.  I fundamentally believe people should have the right to form their own opinions.  And yet I shudder a bit when I think of how deeply pathological religious convictions can distort the minds and hearts of people.  It is a deeply sad experience to witness families shattered due to blind adherence to vastly different ideologies.  I have experienced this to a degree myself.  Put differently, free speech doesn't necessarily guarantee informed speech.

In the last dozen years (perhaps September 11, 2001 is the proper marker in the timeline of the United States) I have sensed a trend in our nation.  It seems we are less able than ever to engage in dialogue with one another that does not ultimately devolve into name-calling, character assassination and the like.  This concerns me.  I see vastly different visions of the future of our nation vying for prominence.  I am not sure how these very different points of view can effectively be reconciled.  A new class of Untermensch people seems to be growing in America.  This Untermensch class, in my opinion, would include the working poor, the formerly middle class, the long-term unemployed, the deeply ill and students burdened by immense student loan debt.  I unfortunately can easily fit in this category.  I wonder where we as a nation are going.  I try to be optimistic about the future of the United States.

My struggle is sometimes compounded by the fact that I can still find myself somewhat easily slip into a very cynical perspective.  And this cynicism is deeply connected to my early history of trauma.  When people and institutions repeatedly fail to meet your most basic needs it can be very difficult to not become a cynical, bitter person.

In the last few months I took up watching this show on ION television.  The show is called 'Criminal Minds'.  It's a well done show.  Just the other night the end of an episode featured one of the FBI agents proclaiming something similar to the following: 'scars show us where we have been but they do not dictate where we may go'.  I want to believe this to be true.  And I know it is in fact true.  People can and do change all the time.  Even entire societies possess a dynamism that can respond to external shocks in a healthy way.  We humans can evolve and adapt.

Gay Pride this year has caused me to reflect on my history in a way I did not anticipate I would last year.  Last year I felt positively shell-shocked at this time.  I had just been diagnosed with PTSD...and was beginning what has proven to be an eventful journey thus far.  As I have become an archeologist of my psyche in the last year I have been able to especially focus on those issues that most troubled me. Most recently I have been focusing on the year 1982.  Those who have read through my blog will know why this year is of special importance.

I have thought of 1982 in reference to the AIDS epidemic.  My understanding is that few people understood how bad AIDS would become in 1982.  The crisis was spreading at that time...but the body count of those who ultimately died (or whose lives were forever changed) was still quite low.  I have thought about how I have recently been able to begin to find true, deep release from the trauma of my early life history and how that trauma profoundly impacted my own development at a point in time that coincides with the beginning of the AIDS epidemic.  PTSD was not well understood in 1982 either.  I have been fortunate to find healing.  Many men impacted by AIDS did not find the help they needed.  The field of medicine could not and did not respond quickly enough to their immense need.

I am encouraged by my observation that the stigma of being HIV positive is also generally on the wane.    Being HIV positive ceased to be a de facto death sentence many years ago.  Stigma still remains though.  And some other developed countries show some concerning policy choices.  Russia has been prominent in this regard most recently.



I find myself still deeply evolving at this time.  My grief is not gone.  I still find myself marveling at the immense beauty of the lush greenery of summer.  

I am gradually becoming a very different man.  I am very excited about what may come to be.


Saturday, June 28, 2014

A Little Inspiration for the Overwhelmed: My Letter to President Barack Obama


Saturday, June 28, 2014


President Barack Obama
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20006


Dear Mr. President,

I was inspired to write to you after listening to you speak in Minneapolis.  I was not able to attend any of the functions during your visit to Minnesota but your words on Friday, June 27th prompted me to write to you.  I write to ask for your help.  I suppose you could call me a man who grew up middle class (albeit in a highly dysfunctional family) in Texas.  I left the state after completing my undergraduate degree at Texas A&M University.  I left partly due to the very conservative politics that predominate in that state.

First let me speak to your efforts to make our healthcare system more equitable and accessible.  Thank you for your efforts.  I would perhaps be out on the streets now if I didn’t have Medical Assistance insurance by virtue of my residency here in the state of Minnesota.  I briefly became very sick last summer; near the end of June, 2013 I was unexpectedly diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This came as an immense surprise to me due to the fact that I had done therapy earlier in my life to address issues of trauma from my very early childhood.  I am much healthier now and am finally working again.

I also wanted to write to you in regards to the economy.  Thank you for your efforts to restore the health of the American economy.  I only wish the recovery was providing more benefits to me directly.  I have an extensive education and professional history; I completed my second graduate degree in international environmental policy at the Monterey Institute of International Studies in 2011.  I briefly lived in the DC area in 2012 in the hope of launching a career within the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.  That unfortunately did not happen.  I have since decided to refocus my career search.  I have attached my resume in the event you would like to look over my background.

I do wish that the Republican party would offer some viable and realistic proposals for strengthening the American economy.  Instead the GOP seems to have become the party of the wealthy, for the wealthy and by the wealthy.  I have nothing against wealthy people but I do find the distortion of the public policy process by the influence of special interests (often made possible by the influence of money) to be ridiculous and highly contrary to the spirit of a supposed democracy.  I think the issue of gun violence is a good example of how special interests are undermining the stability of our nation.  And this brings me to my primary reason for writing.

I have alluded to my ongoing recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I experienced a significant amount of trauma in my early life history.  Mental illness and domestic violence were prominent issues.  My first stepmother attempted to murder my father.  One of the murder attempts was made by a teenager with a gun.  Due to her own inappropriate conduct and corruption in the local police department of the suburb I grew up in my former stepmother was never prosecuted for her criminal activity.  To my knowledge the hospital where my father was admitted after being shot (Parkland Hospital) did not do any thorough assessment of my father’s mental health prior to his discharge.  I am of the opinion that someone attempting to murder you can potentially quite easily cause someone to develop PTSD.  I suspect the hospital was not more proactive or thorough in its care because it was 1982 and this occurred in Texas.  Texas has never been especially known for its highly progressive social policies.  To my knowledge the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services also failed to fulfill its duty to ensure my protection and safety.  I was returned to my father’s custody.  I have never found my father’s way of dealing with hardship and trauma to be very healthy.  I am thus still working out the harm of my un-chosen early life history in my own time.

I write to ask that you please advocate on behalf of the children of this nation to improve policies that directly affect their basic safety, nurture, family stability and future prospects.  If a number of institutions had performed better back in 1982 I might be in a much better place now some thirty-two years later.  I try not to be bitter, cynical or angry.  But healing can be a very challenging journey.  And I am doing my healing with essentially no support from my paternal family of origin.  As I noted previously I am very fortunate to have my health insurance.  I find those who would deprive other Americans of the basic protection of healthcare to be highly irresponsible and even amoral.  I believe health care is a basic human right.

I would appreciate anything you could do to help me directly as well.  I am currently trying to understand why the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services failed to intercede on my behalf after my father was nearly murdered.  I may never have certain questions answered.  I will have to go on with my life nonetheless.   As the President of the United States you have a special and powerful role to play in ensuring American children will have good futures.  Please do not forget stories like my own.  Let stories such as my own inform and inspire your commitment to serving the needs of all Americans.

I write a blog in which I document my own recovery from trauma.  You are welcome to read from it and share with others.  The web address is below.


Sincerely and in good faith,

CW


The Gap of 1982. That Question of Appearances and Realities

Saturday, June 28, 2014


I cannot really remember when I turned nine years old.  That was September 14, 1982.  I wish I could recall more from that year.  I have spoken about that with my therapist recently.  My memory of that year is so vague.  I recently remembered some of the predominant feelings I had that summer.  I feared that I would not live to see September 14th of that year.  I had an unhealthy fear that my former stepmother or her friends might somehow come back and harm me or my father.  What a burden that was to bear.

It's a little surreal to realize now, some thirty-two years later, how much of my sadness sat within me and lingered.  Deep sadness so early in life can profoundly impact our future development.  It seems that in my case the excessive sadness and attendant feelings of loneliness and alienation effectively resulted in a big, dark space in my memory.  I simply cannot recall much of anything for a period of approximately eighteen months from June, 1982 to December, 1983.  I recall December, 1983 well because our backyard swimming pool frozen over in response to a highly anomalous siege of cold weather.  It seems I cannot remember that time period because there wasn't much of anything worth remembering.

So why am I talking about the 'gap of 1982' so many years later?  I am concerned something similar may occur now though not due to the horror of trauma.  I am essentially asking a question about how human memory works.  Can entire years of your life be effectively blank in your memory if there isn't much of anything in that time period that was worthwhile to remember?

I've been thinking about memory lately because, though my life does appear to be improving now, I find my current work highly tedious and boring...for the most part.  Yes, there are occasional high points.  And I do feel the pride of a job well done when I leave each day.  But my current job doesn't challenge me in the least.  And in that regard my current work simply continues a theme that has gone on too long.  I have not really had a rewarding professional life, that also suitably compensates me, in years.  I keep trying to move beyond these limiting circumstances but my efforts don't seem to be bearing much fruit...yet.  I try to be patient but some days my patience feels as if it is running a bit thin.

What I am essentially talking about is an unintended descent into anonymity.  For better or worse I find myself asking one of those deeply existential questions: When I die will my life have mattered?  How will people remember me?  Yes, these are deep questions...and yes it's not always wise to get enmeshed in such deep thinking if doing so only leaves you feeling deflated and uninspired.  But it's difficult to avoid asking these deeper questions.  In my opinion it isn't wise to avoid these thoughts altogether either.

......

It's a humid, windy morning here.  We seem quite likely to surpass the record for the wettest June ever recorded.  But at least the days are long.  The perils of the summer season are nothing compared to the perils of a Minnesota winter.  The specter of flooding is far less threatening than that of blizzards and bitter wind chills.  Anyway, it's time to get my day started!

Cheers!


Friday, June 27, 2014

Cynicism: A Refuge of the Deeply Wounded

Friday, June 27, 2014


A recent conversation with a local guy has inspired me to more firmly dedicate myself to maintaining a positive attitude...come Hell or Minnesota high water. As I have experienced both lately I think this will be an interesting challenge.

In the spirit of the challenge I am going to share a positive thought each day in my blog...and some days also on here. Here is today's thought:

"I can include diverse perspectives in my worldview that will enrich my own life and the lives of those around me."



Now for a jump back into the darker side...

My grief swells and contracts much like the lungs within our bodies.  I know my long-term trend is towards improvement but the journey of recovery to true and abiding wholeness is never a straight line. There are peaks and valleys.  Right now I am feeling myself in a valley.  I suspect it's partly due to the fact that I just completed another week of full time work that felt fairly unsatisfying.  Yes, there are moments of pleasure I can take in each day but yet again I find myself in a position that doesn't challenge me.  This has been true for too long.  I am doing everything in my power to change my circumstances.  But as my yoga instructor Myra just said 'Change doesn't happen overnight'.  It certainly does not.

It's a beautiful time to be in Minnesota.  And I feel so immensely sad.  Or is it grief?  Some days they seem to mimic one another effortlessly.  And I suppose the pain I feel is also deeply related to my confusion.  I feel confused as to how I could keep telling myself for so long that my deepest, darkest feelings inside were not true...that it was not really that bad.  And yet it was.  My feelings of alienation, sadness and disgust were truly that bad.  Once the veneer of anger disintegrated after I had been in therapy for several months I found myself digging into the next layer down.  And that layer contained all these varied affects...sadness, grief, apathy and resentment.

This is the end of my third week of working full time.  And the week prior to these three I effectively worked almost full time.  So I have been working full time for a month now.  I had not done that in about a year.  As I have noted before it's simply going to take me more time to continue to heal.  It doesn't happen overnight.  But it is happening.  The changes are unfolding and I feel better with each passing day.  I only wish I had experienced this Grand Awakening earlier in my life.  But that is the grief within me speaking.

.......

There is still within me a subtle voice of fear and mistrust that rises up in me.  I notice it on occasion when I am having a particularly good day.  Sometimes the fear appears in the form of a thought such as 'I wonder if there is a car out there with my name on it'.  And I do not mean a car out there I am about to purchase.  I mean a car being driven by a reckless driver that is going to somehow find its way into my own life and, in crossing my path, bring chaos, disruption and pain.  In other words, I feel resentment and fear living in a society with so much reckless and unaccountable behavior.  I have already had a car of mine totaled once in my life.  Luckily my own body was totaled.  But it could certainly happen again.  Yes, I know this is quintessential gloomy thinking but such thoughts pass through my mind on occasion.  Sometimes my life has felt like an immense farce.  Just when everything seems to be finally improving it seems I almost expect something to go wrong.

The spike of stress I experienced earlier this week after hearing a coworker confide of her recent attempt to commit suicide reminded me, yet again, that life can be exceedingly tenuous.  What is here today may be swept away by tomorrow morning.  I want some real stability in my life.  And it has eluded me for so long.  My response to her disclosure has even left me wondering if there is perhaps more hidden in the darkest recesses of my psyche that still needs some healing and cleansing illumination.  I couldn't help but wonder if my mother expressed more violent behavior of a suicidal or homicidal nature than I can consciously recall even now after a full year of weekly therapy.

In fact, as I write this, I recall this memory of the glass from the front door of our home sitting in the swimming pool equipment shed in our backyard.  I have this dim memory of my mother throwing rocks at the front door of the house and thereby causing the glass to shatter.  I cannot even recall how old I was.  As I think back on that memory I feel some sadness and discomfort now.  I suppose this means there is still an emotional charge connected to that memory.  And I suppose that may indicate that some additional EMDR therapy could prove quite helpful.

At times my sadness feels very smothering.  In those moments I remind myself to take a breath and realize I am no longer in that time in my life.  I am here, thirty years later.  That time is gone.  I can heal the immense harm I experienced.  It is possible...and I will do it.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

A Calmer Day

Thursday, June 26, 2014


Today is a much more mellow day.  For this fact I am most grateful.

The highlight of my day thus far has been my follow-up appointment for vocational rehabilitation services this morning.  It appears I am about to enjoy a torrent of supportive referrals.  I also met with my lovely physical therapist this morning prior to my vocational rehab appointment.  All in all it's been a good day!  It's not even snowing, raining, hailing, flooding or windy outside.  Last night the temperature was ideal for opening the windows and allowing fresh air inside.  I slept wonderfully well.

As if I needed a sign that yes indeed life can become more enjoyable and people can and do heal I unexpectedly encountered a woman on the bus this morning whom I first met last year when I was still in the very early stages of my recovery process.  I met her through the Resilience Training program.  The Resilience Training program is offered through the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing.  I learned about the Penny George Institute last summer when I was coming to Abbott Northwestern Hospital for my own health care.  I felt empathy for this woman's situation as she had also been affected by trauma.  She appeared much better today when I saw her on the bus.  And it was interesting to learn she came across the scrap of paper I wrote my blog address on last night.  Apparently it had been lost for all this time.  The universe works in interesting ways.

I am still adjusting to the reality of life featuring full time work.  It feels a bit overwhelming at times.  I am in a much, much better psychic place compared to last autumn.  Sometimes it can take quite a while to tear down much of the former infrastructure of your life and start anew.  It's a deep process that requires mindfulness, patience and endurance.  Thankfully I am capable of all three.


I am aware that something profound is still unfolding within me.  When I disembarked from the bus this  morning for my first appointment I noticed the leaves flittering in some nearby trees.  The beauty caught my eye.  I felt briefly enchanted.  Enchantment is, I think, nearly the antithesis of depression, anxiety and dissociation.  Enchantment necessarily implies a deep participation in and awareness of the present moment.

......

And now a brief post-script for the evening.

I was disheartened to receive an email reply from the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services today in which I was essentially informed there was nothing anyone within the Department could do in response to a question I posed in my initial email.  I wrote and asked for the opportunity to speak with a knowledgable official within the department about what role the department 'should' have played in protecting me in the aftermath of the attempted murder of my father in 1982.  In my opinion a number of institutions failed to attend to my most basic need for safety.

I have never been able to find the closure I have desired to find regarding this tragedy that caused me such grave harm.  I suppose I will have to find a way to move on and just allow the unanswered questions...to remain.



Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Year Two Begins

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


That sweet day has arrived.  The end of my first year of active, fully conscious recovery from PTSD has arrived.  Now begins Year Two.  I am rewarding myself with a flourless chocolate cookie at Starbucks in downtown Minneapolis.  I survived today!  And it wasn't exactly the day I was expecting. It was a much more stressful day than I had planned it to be...not that we can always easily plan how much stress will enter our lives...

Today I had a coworker confide in me about a recent suicide attempt.  I could almost see red sirens go off in my brain with the phrase "Red Alert!" intoning through all of my brain cells.  The scariest part, though, was that I didn't immediately call my off-site supervisor with the agency that placed me in my current position to report this.  As I recall about an hour passed before the thought went through my mind: "What are you doing?  Call your off-site boss now!"  It's almost as if I dissociated and didn't allow myself to think about the full range of implications if I had said nor done nothing.  And that scared me a bit.

I now find myself wondering if my co-worker might find a way to read my blog.  I very briefly connected with her on Facebook.  It's very possible she looked through my page and found one of my older blog posts linked on my Facebook profile and thereby discovered my web address in the short time I was connected with her before I severed the connection on Facebook.  I hope she believes that my decision to report my concern was done with her own welfare in mind.  I provided her three different referrals to mental health care professionals this morning.  I sense that is probably partly why she then confided in me...she trusted that I was a kind, thoughtful person.  I do my best to be...even when others have unjustly demonized me.  Cruel, malicious gossip has a way of destroying lives and reputations.  I've had enough stress in my life.  I just want to find love...and peace.

I found it a bit weird that these events that unfolded today occurred today.  Of course then again they might not have if I had not disclosed to my co-worker that today was the anniversary of my own unexpected diagnosis.  Again, it's a matter of boundaries.  I recognize a lot of my own life experience and issues in what she shared with me...namely being subjected to life in a highly dysfunctional family in which individuals are deeply immersed in highly self-destructive behaviors.  You never know what you might receive in reply when you open your mouth.  Exhibit A as evidence for this truth: June 13, 2013...the day I spoke at an annual meeting and unintentionally 'provoked' a backlash the likes of which left me in a psychic daze for weeks.  It's no surprise that last year on this day I felt like I was going to fall apart.  But then again my life *was* falling apart.  Despite all my efforts to heal from the pain of my earliest years of life it was apparent I still had not succeeded.  More therapy was indicated.  So yet again I jumped back in.  And now here I am a year later.

It's obvious to me that my life is vastly better than it was a year ago.  For one, I am in treatment.  Two, I am no longer depressed.  Three, my physical health is much better.  Four, I am working.  Five, I haven't given up trying to realize my deeper, longer term goals.  Six, I have made new friends.  Seven, I am working through my immense grief...slowly but surely.  Eight, my sense of self is becoming much less distorted.  Nine, my eyesight is amazingly good.  Ten, I don't dissociate unconsciously.  Eleven, I don't tolerate abuse from others.  Twelve, I am still a kind man.  Thirteen, I am still generous when I can be.  Fourteen, I know I will in fact survive the loss of my entire paternal family of origin.  Fifteen, I still appreciate beauty.  Sixteen, I notice myself 'tuning in' to beautiful music in random places.  Seventeen, I appreciate the beauty of men as I never have before.  Eighteen, my courage is undeterred.  Nineteen, I am still willing to help other people.  Twenty, I can still smile.

That I could rattle off twenty things to be grateful for so quickly tells me that I am indeed moving in the right direction.  It just takes time.  Maybe I'll live to 105.  Maybe I will die tomorrow.  But at least I am making peace with my past and present one step at a time.  I am dreaming again and looking forward to what I can still create.

I have definitely been in what Richard Rohr calls the "Second Half of Life".  It began one year ago today.

I have a feeling Year Two will be a lot better!  That is certainly my intention.  I have never felt so good.




Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Enjoying Summer


Tuesday, June 24, 2014


It’s another beautiful summer day here in Minneapolis.  And it’s not raining!  I suppose that’s the most current weather joke I can tell considering how much rain has fallen this month.  But at least it’s not snowing…and it’s not -10F either.  This is the season in the Minnesota cycle of seasons that most appealed to me when I moved here in October, 2012.  And yet the weather has been anything but very normal since I moved here.  I’m just pleased to see so much lush greenery now.  It’s a feast for my eyes.

So in speaking with my vocational rehabilitation counselor today I learned I apparently have qualified for some sort of assistance.  I will learn more on Thursday morning at my appointment.  I am excited that I am finally beginning to move beyond the extremely challenging circumstances that bedeviled me for so many months.  Between now and Thursday morning I need to spend a bit of time reviewing the notes I have made about what I would like to do as a profession the remainder of my life….or at least for the foreseeable future.  I am excited to feel so alive again and to also be contemplating new and different possibilities for what work I will do.

In preparing for my appointment with my therapist today I made some different notes.  I shared some of these in my writing here in my blog yesterday.  I plan to spend part of the session speaking about the concept of ‘Complex PTSD’ and its potential relevance to my own health history and future life.

I feel quite good despite the slight adjustment downwards I made in my antidepressant medication dosage.  This time of year it can be quite easy to get off antidepressants.  January is quite another matter.  But underneath the smile I am trying to consciously practice more often there is still that deep grief.  But my grief feels muted compared to other times of the year when the world is emerging from winter or preparing to slide into winter.  I just want to enjoy these beautiful summer days as much as possible.

This time last year I was taking medication to address the lung issue that had at that point been troubling me for weeks.  I can still recall having to hide from the sunlight during the brightest time of the year because the antibiotic I was on can result in photo-toxicity.  It’s nice to not be a vampire in the summer.


……

Now I am writing after my session.

Sometimes I feel as if I must be the biggest handful for my therapist.  I have no doubt that he has other clients who are living out very interesting lives…or at least have done so in the past.  I often have the feeling that my psyche is a bit like a big ball of yarn with these innumerable thematic threads that I am only gradually beginning to really pull apart from one another.  It has occasionally felt like a very laborious process but now I have finally established something called momentum.  It’s nice to have established such repertoire in any relationship in my life.

I sense something else is unfolding as well.  The deeply ingrained negative beliefs about myself that developed in my childhood and became thoroughly submerged below my conscious awareness now feel as if they are withering and evaporating away.  I have the feeling quite often of walking around out in the world and thinking to myself “What in the world have I been thinking?”  I suppose this isn’t unusual when you experience a profound awakening.

Tomorrow: The Anniversary of the Surprising Diagnosis

Monday, June 23, 2014

A Sweet Sigh of Relief

Monday, June 23, 2014


It's nearly here.  The anniversary of when I was bowled over by the shock of being diagnosed with PTSD last summer.  It happened last year on June 25th.  I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow and I have no doubt that my awareness of my 'mental health anniversary' will come up in our conversation.

The buoyancy I feel by virtue of the fact that I have come to the end of the illustrious Year One is counterbalanced by the fact that my most recent visit to a psychologist I sought out for a second opinion has left me convinced I could easily meet the criteria for 'Complex PTSD' if it were in fact a current valid diagnosis in the DSM-V.  Why do I believe this?  Because of the following six phenomena I could honestly say I could recognize in myself at some point in my recent history that I had experiences that match all six.  Here are the six spelled out with my own short commentary about my own difficulties.

  • Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.  -   I am experiencing a lot of persistent sadness now.  Whereas last year I felt predominantly angry when I first was back in therapy now the main affective state I recognize is sadness.  My former landlord essentially mocked the anger I was carrying around by using the word 'erupt'.  Though I found him to be a highly insensitive jerk (and believe anyone who gets to know him well would feel the same way when it comes to his response to deep human suffering) he was astute in his observation.  But he had the subtlety of a crowbar upon the forehead.
  • Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation).   -   I didn't realize until last year just how well developed my capacity for dissociation was.  Now I am unlearning it.
  • Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.   -   I often felt completely different in high school.  I felt alienated really.
  • Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.   -   I had an intake worker tell me last fall that I seemed to give a lot of my power over to others.
  • Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.   - My trust issues are quite obvious to anyone who reads through my blog.
  • One's System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.   -   Despite all my efforts to improve my life I still struggle to have faith that I will one day experience deep healing and true, abiding release from the horrible memories of my earliest years of life.  I am indeed much better than a year ago.  But the journey is a long one.  And it isn't a journey for the faint of heart.   
More information about 'Complex PTSD' can be found here.

The most exciting news I had today is the fact that I have a follow up appointment with the North Minneapolis Workforce Center this Thursday, June 26th.  I am guessing that a decision has been made about my application for vocational rehabilitation services.  If I learn on Thursday that somehow I was deemed ineligible I might try to press my case by making reference to my recent search for a second opinion that resulted in me learning about this proposed diagnostic category of 'Complex PTSD'.  I have no intention to make my trauma history the defining aspect of my identity but at the same time I will not fail to seek out any and all opportunities that might be open to me by virtue of my current and past circumstances.  It would be so sad if I didn't find and accept whatever support and resources I may be eligible to receive.  I have come so far in the course of only twelve months.  I believe I may make much more progress in the next twelve.

I have scheduled yet another appointment with Dr. Valtinson this coming Saturday.  I hope to have a lot more clarity regarding what may be possible in my immediate future by this time next week.  It will be a good way to celebrate the fact that I have written this blog for an entire year.






Sunday, June 22, 2014

The Feeling Of A Life Indefinitely Postponed

Sunday, June 22, 2014


My most recent piece, in which I wrote a work of creative fiction (I hope it will be fiction) about the world about twenty years into the future, inspired me to think a bit more on the state of my own life today.

I met with a local psychologist yesterday for a follow up to my original appointment which I had last Thursday.  My main goal in getting a second opinion is to develop a better sense of what the arc of my healing process may be like in the short, intermediate and long term future.  This arc is obviously contingent on the choices that I will make each and every day of my life.  But because I am a social creature and do not live on a deserted island my life is inevitably intertwined with the lives (and choices) of many other people.  And that's what concerns me.  I think many of my fellow Americans need some serious therapy.

I have written on previous occasions about feeling as if the dreams I had for my future life were postponed (perhaps indefinitely?) due in part to the ignorance, reactivity and sheer nastiness of too many Americans.  What is my Exhibit A?  Congress of course!  I think our current Congress set a record for achieving the lowest public approval rating ever!  I believe it is under 10%.  You almost have to try to fail to do so poorly.

Basically, as I think I effectively convey in my other piece written today, I have serious doubts about the sustainability of the future of this nation.  There are numerous issues that concern me.

I submitted my application for a position back in the Monterey Bay area of California.  Meanwhile I have to get on with my life.  It's been over three years since I graduated from school there.  My life hasn't evolved exactly as I had hoped or dreamed.  My McCloy Environmental Policy fellowship awarded to me by the American Council on Germany has been the highlight of my professional life these last three years.  There are many other opportunities I can explore outside of California...and outside of this nation.  And I am doing that.  Life is too short not to be happy.



October 27, 2032

Sunday, June 22, 2014


Earlier this year I read an article my friend Craig posted on Facebook.  The article is about the end of the world as we know it...you know, some light reading.  And so it inspired me to write something of a science fiction piece.  Consider the following my own visualization of the nightmare scenario that may descend upon us within my own lifetime.


The World of 2032

Looking back it's so obvious that the signs of immense change were all around us.  Unfortunately we as a species were careless.  Or at least those in power were predominantly careless.  Too often in human history the ones most able to effect meaningful change are least inclined to do so.  Is it human nature?  Perhaps it is. We have millennia of evidence to support that idea.  Anyhow, as has happened too many a time the voices of reason, science and discernment were drowned out by the larger number of shrill, paranoid voices advocating a medieval (meaning limited) way of thinking and responding to a very modern era problem.  In short, we replayed that iconic moment when Nero was said to have fiddled while Rome burned.  Only this time the whole of the planet was effectively burning.

We had been fouling our collective nest for decades.  And we lived in a fantasy world of delusion...we imagined that we could somehow successfully mitigate and even 'adapt' to the nightmare we were sowing in the atmosphere above us.  Again I am using the collective 'We' as a bit of a gross over-generalization.  There were many who thought very clearly back in the last decades of what we now see was relative stability compared to what we live with now.  Back then our forebears had what many now perceive to be overly cute and arrogant terms to describe our way of relating to that collective nest known as planet Earth.  A term especially maligned by the world of our present age is 'carbon management'.  We were unleashing a genie out of a bottle we could not put back in.  We could proclaim we were managing the problem all we wanted but we might as well have been tossing a glass of water in a raging bonfire.

The media of two decades ago in the United States played an important role in leading us to the point we are at now.  To be perfectly honest the priorities of those days were completely out of whack.  Whether it was programs with strange names like Honey Booboo or media called 'Fox News' Americans were sorely confused at best and paranoid at worst.  They had lost touch with the most fundamental realities that a sustainable society must attend to.  America became the New Rome of the modern era.

Societies prone to distraction aren't likely to be very sustainable.  This is another lesson that can be gleaned from what unfolded in the last few decades.  The 2010s were the decade in which it became clear the United States was not on a very sustainable course.  Prominent domestic issues and the way a citizenry deals with them reveal much about the moral compass of a nation.

One big issue in the 2010s in America was gun violence.  Shootings of innocent people (children and adults alike) became increasingly commonplace...or at least that was the perception.  As the incidents frequently featured young, deeply troubled men it was a commonly held conclusion (and rightly so...to a degree) that the issue of mental health care and child development needed some close examination.  But it was a complete farce to suggest that the problem of gun violence could be solved by addressing the health care system in general and mental health care for the young in particular alone.  Young, highly alienated men can only do so much damage with their hands alone.  Give them easy access to guns and it's an entirely different matter.  When the American Congress failed to pass any substantive gun violence legislation whatsoever many Americans of all political persuasions began to have a growing feeling that something indeed was very wrong in America.  But that had been made possible by many other bad policy choices.  An exposition of these issues would be too long for my brief  survey of the history of the first thirty years of the twenty-first century.  Suffice it to say that a misunderstanding of the second amendment led many to make an overemphasis on their individual rights to the detriment of their local community's right to enjoy safety and stability.

Joblessness and insecurity also became a huge issue in America in the 2010s.  The value of a college education became a matter of focus as no amount of skill and education seemed to be a guarantee of a stable job in many fields.  As more young people came to doubt the value of investing in their own education a self-fulfilling prophecy began to unfold.  As American workers became increasingly uncompetitive in the global marketplace it was only natural that more and more jobs would get off-shored to other nations.  The low paying service economy jobs stayed behind because those are positions ideally suited to a workforce with a low level of education.

The United States also extended itself much too far abroad.  In this way it also imitated the Roman Empire.  Its wars of choice initially launched by the man now derisively called King Idiot (George W. Bush) began its inevitable decline.  Later the nation's Congress became filled with adults who had the attention span and maturity of five year olds.  Infighting and defense of their own voter base became more important than compromise.  The center could only hold for so long.  Eventually it all would inevitably collapse.  But they kept putting bandaids on it for a long time...and smiling all along.

Other portions of the world fared better in the last two decades.  Russia's annexation of Crimea provoked civil unrest and mistrust in the former Eastern European Soviet bloc nations for many years.  Eventually, though at first it seemed so unlikely, a mass migration of people within the borders of Ukraine occurred.  This resettlement of the people within Ukraine's borders was something akin to what happened between India and Pakistan in the 20th century.  But eventually the region stabilized politically...at least for a while.

Russian hegemony and the growing impact of climate change gave the EU pause in regards to its energy policy.  Its heavy dependence on its neighbor to the East led many nations to a renewed debate regarding the merits and challenges of energy independence.  Though a new Cold War never developed, relations between Europe and Russia also never returned to the new normal that developed once the Soviet Union collapsed around the year 1990.

Southeast Asia was marked by massive chaos.  This was due in large part to the menace of a rising ocean.  Compared to the number of those displaced and lost within the state of Bangladesh alone the much reported disappearance of the Malaysian flight (and of course its passengers and crew) in early 2014 was a proverbial drop in the bucket.  Having become a huge economy and influential player on the global scale of geopolitics China began to exert its influence more firmly in the region.  Though China's military never invaded its neighbors the state nonetheless exerted significant clout with the power of its economy.  Surpassing the United States of America China created mitigation technologies that at least somewhat slowed down the disastrous financial and human costs that inevitably resulted as the oceans gradually rose and continued to acidify.  As America's influence continued to wane China's neighbors began to look to China as a source of stability, resources and international aid.  Southeast Asia effectively became a large satellite region of China.

Japan never fully recovered from the shock of the nuclear meltdown at Fukushima in 2011.  Despite the assistance of other developed nations the repair of the economic, social and environmental fabric of the Japanese nation proved to be an extremely financial and time intensive process.  Japan became the East Germany of the 21st century.  Those who know their history well will recall that a major industry of the former East Germany was its import of toxic waste from other states.  After the Iron Curtain fell in 1989  and Germany was reunified in 1990 it became apparent just how degraded East Germany had become as a result of this special 'industry'.  The Japanese government never made an intentional policy choice to make toxic waste import a major economic driver .  But it didn't need to.  The steady poisoning of the Japanese nation by the contamination unleashed by Fukushima was the effective equivalent.  Though the Japanese economy did eventually return to marginal growth in the late 2010s and early 2020s historians often nonetheless look back at Fukushima as marking the beginning of Japan's gradual decline in prominence on the world stage.  And by 2025 it didn't much matter anyhow.  By that point everyone throughout the world had become obsessed with the damage being done by a three atom molecule known as carbon dioxide.

The United States National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration noted that the concentration of this heat trapping gas breached 400 parts per million near the end of 2013.  This was a monumental occurrence.  Never in modern human history had so much of the gas filled our planet's atmosphere.  But the denial of its impact would continue for several more years.

The year 2019 is often seen as the year in which human impact upon the environment could no longer be denied.  The year 2019 was the first year in which all ice cover disappeared during the Northern Hemisphere Summer.  The exact date this occurred was August 26, 2019.  Scientists across the planet were amazed.  And finally, finally, many citizens of their respective nations were finding themselves amazed.  Human beings managed to do in a mere two centuries what the planet itself had previously needed many, many millennia to do.  We had fundamentally terraformed the planet...without even trying...too much.

By 2020 the atmospheric concentration of carbon dioxide had reached four-hundred fifteen parts per million.  And then even more frightful things began to happen.  Any atmospheric scientist knows that carbon dioxide is not the only gas known as a greenhouse gas.  There are others.  And some of these others are far more effective at trapping heat on a molecular level basis.  Methane is a great example.  And for many years prior to the 2020s there was concern that continued warming in the Northern Hemisphere Arctic would eventually potentially cause such a significant thaw in regions once ruled by permafrost that the methane content locked therein would suddenly begin to rise into the atmosphere above.  And this indeed did happen.  And then we had the peril of a vicious feedback loop suddenly upon us.

It only was a few years into the 2020s when it became much more clear just how incredibly quickly the behavior of the atmosphere would change as a result of the sudden spike in the concentration of methane within the atmosphere.  And then, finally, the fundamental unsustainable foundational assumption of our fossil fuel powered global society became glaringly obvious.  It's not a pretty thing when an entire civilization is shown the pathology inherent to its foundational structure in the equivalent of a geological nanosecond.  We had to change.  And we had to change quickly.  If we didn't we risked making Earth a sister planet of Venus in more ways than it already was.

In 2023 a scandal erupted in the United States that rapidly accelerated the transformation of that nation. Irrefutable documentation was disclosed that provided new details about the terrorist attacks of 2001 that changed the focus of the United States' foreign policy.  Back in 2001 most Americans could not yet 'connect the dots' because there simply was not enough evidence to do so.  The next big dot came in 2014 when the United States House of Representatives passed an amendment that effectively prevented the Department of Defense from utilizing funds to address the national security impacts of climate change.  The amendment, sponsored by Republican Representative David McKinley, contained the following language:

None of the funds authorized to be appropriated or otherwise made available by this Act may be used to implement the U.S. Global Change Research Program National Climate Assessment, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s Fifth Assessment Report, the United Nation’s Agenda 21 sustainable development plan or the May 2013 Technical Update of the Social Cost of Carbon for Regulatory Impact Analysis Under Executive Order.

To be fair there was resistance to what in hindsight can now be called such colossal stupidity.  Other representatives (essentially the Democrats) noted the horrifying implication of the amendment.  Representative Henry Waxman of California noted that "The McKinley amendment would require the Defense Department to assume that the cost of carbon pollution is zero."  Meanwhile the Arctic was melting, California was enduring a historical drought and India was withering in a huge heat wave.  The cost of carbon was rapidly accruing.

In 2023 it became public knowledge that the United States intelligence community had had incontrovertible evidence that terrorist attacks would specifically occur on September 11, 2001 several months before they took place.  The attacks were allowed to take place for one primary reason.  They were seen as an excellent opportunity for the country to justify the expansion of its military and surveillance infrastructure.  But why would those within the United States government wish to do that?  It was quite simple.  The United States Department of Defense had been researching the security implications of climate change long before such research became public knowledge.  And it was determined that a stronger security and military infrastructure would be essential to attempt to maintain order if and when the nation began to collapse under the weight of the impacts of the world's fossil fuel powered economy.  In short, some of the conspiracy theorists were exonerated.  Some of their worst fears had indeed come true.

The public outrage regarding the deceit perpetrated on the American people by their own government was immense.  Some wanted to see something like medieval justice enacted; there were calls for the leaders of that time to be executed for their deceit.  Thousands of Americans died in the wars the United States launched in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Chaos in Iraq loomed large well into the 2010s.  The scandal regarding the deeper story of September 11th also helped to bring about the downfall of the American Republican Party.  But the damage had been done long ago.  It proved extremely difficult to clean up the political, social and economic mess that had been gradually building for over two decades.

The United States military ultimately and finally withdrew from Afghanistan...in 2017.  And unfortunately, despite the efforts of well meaning individuals as well as international aid organizations, the country shortly thereafter plunged back into the same conditions that had characterized it prior to the United States invasion in the 2000s.  Despite growing Chinese hegemony nearby the chaos in Afghanistan proved a daunting policy nightmare for the entire region.  And the United States' focus on Afghanistan caused it to ignore the more serious issues in neighboring Pakistan.  In short, the United States made serious policy blunders both in its domestic affairs as well as abroad.


Transformational leaps in a society are often marked by periods of chaos in which the discourse of those with enough power to express their voices may become shrill, distorted, disoriented and highly disturbing.  Europe went through a profound transformation as a result of the Black Death.  In the twenty-first century we are undergoing something somewhat equivalent.  Some derisively call what we inadvertently unleashed 'Carbon Death'.

It was only in the last ten years that the parasitic quality of the fossil fuel industry throughout the world became apparent.  A very few people were being enriched in exchange for undermining the sustainability of the human 'adventure' in the long term.  Earlier in this century (was it really only about two decades ago?) a noted economist by the name of Sir Nicolas Stern described climate change as 'a result of the greatest market failure that the world has seen.'  We're just now starting to appreciate what this market failure has brought us.  And it seems future generations may appreciate it even more.  And I suspect whatever people follow us in the next hundred years are probably going to wonder how their forebears could have been so incredibly blind and stupid.  Simply put...it was greed.  It was shortsightedness.  It was human self-absorption.

There is still some hope that levels of greenhouse gases within Earth's atmosphere may ultimately be stabilized.  But to do so we have discovered...hopefully not too late...that de-carbonizing the economy of an entire planet is no small task.  You don't put it on your 'To Do list' and expect to make much daily progress on it...at least not in the grand scheme of things.

Unfortunately the de-carbonization of the world economy is an immense task.  Some call it "the fundamental evolutionary challenge to our species".  A primary challenge has been simply dealing with people's collective thoughts about money, costs and the value of the future.  As it became clear that Nicolas Stern was correct about global climate change representing the greatest market failure ever known the central question became this one: "How do we address the current and future costs of what greenhouse gases have done to our atmosphere and the planet as a whole?"

In essence, every time it seemed the solution to this global nightmare was 'not affordable' it became increasingly clear that it was our fundamental underlying assumptions about the validity of a world underpinned by money that were a major part of the problem.  Put even more concisely, our species had been worshipping at the altar of money.  We could not afford the costs of changing how we powered an entire world.  And yet we obviously could also not bear the results of ignoring the costs of overloading our atmosphere for a few centuries.  To do nothing was not an option.  And yet to do what was necessary was overwhelming!

The amount of anger in the world these days is extreme.  As people throughout what was previously called the developed and developing worlds began to wake up to what they had been unconsciously participating in (namely the whole-scale degradation of the planet) there was much outrage.  This outrage was expressed in finger pointing, debate that would inevitably devolve into shouting matches and mass protest movements that advocated a complete opting out from participating in any and all aspects of the old society that had led us to the severe crisis that eventually came to define our everyday lives.

Today we cope with the errors of our past ways as best as we can.  The most basic needs of human life define most of our efforts.  We therefore had to redefine what luxury and a good quality life mean.  Today a good quality life is defined primarily by one criteria: stability.  If you have stability you have a good life.  If you have minimal security you do not.  Life today is inherently an adventure for anyone who is alive.  We are experiencing the consequences of the shortsightedness of our ancestors.  It may take us generations for us to adjust.  But we have no real choice in the matter.  Certain options were foreclosed by the actions of our ancestors.







Saturday, June 21, 2014

Summer Solstice 2014

Saturday, June 21, 2014



As I walked through downtown on my way to the bus this evening I could hear what I assumed was a street musician playing ‘Amazing Grace’.  And immediately that one lyric from the song went though my mind: ‘…was blind but now I see…’

Oh how I see now.  I see so well it still amazes me.  When I embarked on therapy last summer I was not planning on having an ‘eye opening’ experience that would forever alter my future perception of the world.  But I think that medicine and healing is not only a science but also still an art…even in the twenty-first century. And art inevitably has an element of mystery to it.  Despite how much we may try art is not something that can be neatly defined.  It defies neat, simplistic categorization.   We cannot easily ‘put art into a box.’  And thus art is a bit like healing in that regard.

The most intense light of the calendar year graced the landscape today.  There were barely any clouds in the sky.  I almost had to squint on more than one occasion while outdoors.  That’s certainly not surprising.  But what is surprising is how I still marvel at the three dimensional nature of the planet.  Everything has depth.  The height and width of things was always easy for me to perceive….but the depth not so much.


Today I followed up with the psychologist I saw this past Thursday.  After doing an introductory appointment I want to be able to pose some questions when I see her today.  The main question that is on my mind is this one: "What is the potential arc of my future life?"  Stated another way: "What is the potential contained within me that I could still realize in what remains of my life?"

......

Welcome to Brazil, Minnesota!  The torrential rains of this past week combined with the excessive rains from earlier in the month have led the world to begin resembling the rainforests of other parts of the planet.  It is indeed a bit surreal!  And because I am still adjusting to the vividness of the world outside my own skull I must say I am fascinated by how many shades of green I see outdoors.  I cannot recall seeing such intensely deep shades of green recently...if ever.

At the height of the sun's power here in the Northern Hemisphere it feels a bit natural to be fairly un-attentive to my grief.  Grief is something akin to the darkness and cold we associate with winter.  Laying out under the power of the sun on the Summer Solstice is a good way to burn out some of the grief inside me.

......

I almost find it a bit amusing (as well as a bit sad) when I read what I wrote a year ago regarding my confusion as to why I felt some free floating rage.  Um, hello, it had to do with your most basic needs for safety and attention not being sufficiently met when you were a child!  It's no wonder I felt such volatile upset.



Written one year ago today...


Friday, June 21, 2013

I am feeling more and more optimistic about my future as I continue to take many steps to improve my health.  The new therapist I intend to work with wishes to administer a PTSD screening when I see him next.  I have certainly familiarized myself with this disorder from past reading.  I also had hoped that past therapy had successfully treated the issues that I had.  But it is apparent that it would benefit me to work with a counselor at this time. 

I do not understand why I seem to feel this free floating rage.  That mystifies me a bit.

I have felt myself to be in a persistent state of culture shock since my return to the United States some three weeks ago.  Having left the fishbowl of this country it is strange to be back inside of it.  I have a new appreciation for the shadow side of America, namely how paranoid, obsessive, traumatized, medicated and disillusioned is the collective American psyche.  And how could people not be when you see what is available for consumption in the media and in the grocery store?  It’s sad and overwhelming to contemplate.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Will You Still Love Me When I Am No Longer Young and Beautiful?


Friday, June 20, 2014



This was the question a Facebook friend posted today.  I have never met this friend in person.  I connected with him online because of our common interest in leather.  He is currently the Mr. Iowa Leather titleholder.  He has an adorable smile and a smoldering energy about him.  I’ve never actually been to Iowa.  It’s one of the few states I have never set foot in.  I’d be willing to travel there just to meet him.

So will I still be loved when I am no longer young and beautiful?  This is a thought that has been on my mind a lot lately.  Perhaps it has been on my mind a little too much.  And it pains me that it is on my mind so much as of late.  The fellow I referenced, Mr. Iowa Leather, is still in his twenties.  Upon turning forty last year I must admit that my twenties almost feel like a distant memory.  And it saddens me that throughout my twenties I was still seeing the world through eyes clouded by the impact of early life trauma I simply had no power to escape.  The scales finally fell from my eyes last year.  And what a resounding sound they made when they did so.  I am still adjusting to the transformation that has unfolded in my life in the last twelve months.  It has not been an easy process.  But it has been a rewarding one.  Sometimes the most rewarding experiences are also the most grueling.

As I think about this question that Drew posed I cannot help but again think about this picture of myself I have recently been looking at.  It was taken in Jaunary, 1999 in Chicago.  I was only twenty-five years old.  I am standing near the shore of Lake Michigan.  I was clad in a jacket.  The weak winter sunlight was glinting off the snow behind me.  You might never guess form looking at my smiling face that I had suffered so much in my life already.  It’s been difficult to simply learn how to live a life in which I am consistently happy.  But then again I didn’t have the best modeling of how to create such a life. 

Four months after the picture was taken I left Loyola University, Chicago and the Jesuit order and embarked on a new life in California.  I can still recall taking a week to drive across the United States to ultimately arrive in San Francisco, California.  I still recall the day I arrived.  It was May 25, 1999.  I saw parts of the United States I had never seen before.  I dreamed of having a life as exciting as some of the plot elements in the book Takes of the City written by Armistead Maupin.

My life in California did prove to be quite interesting.  At some points I could even describe it as eventful.  I met many interesting people.  I learned a lot.  I went to graduate school twice.  But the undertow of my earliest years of life was still dragging me down.  I just didn’t know it.  My lack of understanding of the impact of those earliest years of my life just compounded the original harm.  Sometimes we do harm to ourselves and do not even realize what we are doing.  Such can be the truth of our earlier years of life.

When I look at that picture of myself from January, 1999 I sometimes wish I could travel back to that time (just like I have found myself wishing I could have traveled back to the summer of 1982 and decisively change the future course of my life) and change the future of my life.  I feel grief that I still wasn’t really awake when I moved to California.  I wasn’t truly and fully aware of my own beauty…inside and out.  I saw the world dimly.  Now I look at the smile I showed to the world then and wonder how I could have perceived myself so incorrectly.

Will I still be loved when I am no longer young and beautiful?  Certain moments (like turning forty) have a way of prompting a person to think about these sorts of questions.  I now appreciate my beauty in a way I never did earlier in my life.  But I do wonder how long I will be considered handsome.  Will I ever find real and abiding love in my life?  Will I find the love I had hoped to find when I moved to San Francisco partly motivated by the dream of finding big, gay love?  I don’t know.  I hope I will.

As for now I am continuing my journey of healing.  And I am aware every day how precious my remaining time is.  These days I find myself so aware of the ponderous grief inside me.  There must be some way for me to exorcise my grief.  I find myself often unconsciously praying for guidance to lead me to a good future path for myself.  I want to believe I will find my way.  I have worked too hard throughout my life to not ultimately succeed and create a quality life for myself.

But when will my dreams finally come to fruition?  When will my patience be rewarded with more than a greater ability…to be patient?