A Sweet Sigh of Relief

Monday, June 23, 2014

It's nearly here.  The anniversary of when I was bowled over by the shock of being diagnosed with PTSD last summer.  It happened last year on June 25th.  I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow and I have no doubt that my awareness of my 'mental health anniversary' will come up in our conversation.

The buoyancy I feel by virtue of the fact that I have come to the end of the illustrious Year One is counterbalanced by the fact that my most recent visit to a psychologist I sought out for a second opinion has left me convinced I could easily meet the criteria for 'Complex PTSD' if it were in fact a current valid diagnosis in the DSM-V.  Why do I believe this?  Because of the following six phenomena I could honestly say I could recognize in myself at some point in my recent history that I had experiences that match all six.  Here are the six spelled out with my own short commentary about my own difficulties.

• Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.  -   I am experiencing a lot of persistent sadness now.  Whereas last year I felt predominantly angry when I first was back in therapy now the main affective state I recognize is sadness.  My former landlord essentially mocked the anger I was carrying around by using the word 'erupt'.  Though I found him to be a highly insensitive jerk (and believe anyone who gets to know him well would feel the same way when it comes to his response to deep human suffering) he was astute in his observation.  But he had the subtlety of a crowbar upon the forehead.
• Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation).   -   I didn't realize until last year just how well developed my capacity for dissociation was.  Now I am unlearning it.
• Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.   -   I often felt completely different in high school.  I felt alienated really.
• Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.   -   I had an intake worker tell me last fall that I seemed to give a lot of my power over to others.
• Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.   - My trust issues are quite obvious to anyone who reads through my blog.
• One's System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.   -   Despite all my efforts to improve my life I still struggle to have faith that I will one day experience deep healing and true, abiding release from the horrible memories of my earliest years of life.  I am indeed much better than a year ago.  But the journey is a long one.  And it isn't a journey for the faint of heart.   

More information about 'Complex PTSD' can be found here.

The most exciting news I had today is the fact that I have a follow up appointment with the North Minneapolis Workforce Center this Thursday, June 26th.  I am guessing that a decision has been made about my application for vocational rehabilitation services.  If I learn on Thursday that somehow I was deemed ineligible I might try to press my case by making reference to my recent search for a second opinion that resulted in me learning about this proposed diagnostic category of 'Complex PTSD'.  I have no intention to make my trauma history the defining aspect of my identity but at the same time I will not fail to seek out any and all opportunities that might be open to me by virtue of my current and past circumstances.  It would be so sad if I didn't find and accept whatever support and resources I may be eligible to receive.  I have come so far in the course of only twelve months.  I believe I may make much more progress in the next twelve.

I have scheduled yet another appointment with Dr. Valtinson this coming Saturday.  I hope to have a lot more clarity regarding what may be possible in my immediate future by this time next week.  It will be a good way to celebrate the fact that I have written this blog for an entire year.