Wednesday, June 11, 2014
I finally have a good clinical term to describe something that I had been unknowingly experiencing for so many years. The phenomenon is called derealization. I spoke about it last night when I met with my therapist. It's a little strange to wake up after thirty years of living in a less than fully conscious state of awareness. But then again I hear of people who spend their whole lives essentially 'asleep at the wheel' only to awaken in their last days, weeks, months or years of their lives to the 'real' reality that they have not really experienced the world as it actually is...or was. I feel grateful I will apparently not be such a person (unless I die in the relatively near future). But the process of recovery is still a long one. And sometimes it feels quite arduous.
As I look around at the world I feel myself a bit split between reflecting on the past and living in the present moment. When I recently chronologically organized correspondence within my family of origin dating back to 1970 I discovered some letters that I couldn't remember previously reading. I unexpectedly made some rather interesting discoveries.
Among the correspondence I looked through was a statement addressed to my father at our home address that was postmarked June 11, 1982. This was eight days after my father was shot and nearly murdered...by a teenager no less. The statement was a notification informing my father that my biological mother had been hospitalized within the state of Texas. It's a little surreal when I realize that both of my parents were essentially hospitalized for a time in 1982. I wasn't even nine years old and I had already endured nearly losing both of them...one to mental illness and the other to domestic violence. It's no wonder I developed a 'touch' of PTSD.
I feel a lot of grief now because I simply cannot easily remember any of the daily moments of my life in that summer I was eight years old. I cannot recall the details of what I did for my ninth birthday in September, 1982. My memory seems to be a virtual blank until late 1983.
I certainly cannot blame that on being too young to remember. Eight years old is much, much too late in childhood to not remember due to being at too early of a developmental stage. I cannot really remember what happened that summer and I think it must be partially due to the fact that there was so little joyful events to actually remember. And that blackness causes me grief now thirty two years later.
I will get through the grief one day. I am convinced of that. I am simply too dedicated to my own life not to heal in good time. As for now I try my best to look at the beautiful green trees outside. I venture out in the pleasant evenings when possible to enjoy what it is like to look at the world with clear perception. I am still growing familiar with what that feels like. It has taken quite a while to get here. But at least I am here.
As for the United States of the present day I have to admit to feeling as if I am awakening from one nightmare only to discover what seem to be storm clouds on the horizon of our country's future. Here are two examples as to why I feel anxious. Eric Cantor was soundly defeated by a virtually unknown and unfunded candidate last night. Anyone who knows me well knows I have no love loss that Eric Cantor has been dethroned. I think the man epitomizes the worst of the greed, recklessness and stupidity within the Republican Party. And yet hearing that a Tea Party identified candidate won only makes my stomach churn more. My second example comes from the realm of food. I brought some cereal with me to work this morning. The back of the box addresses the issue of GMOs in our food supply. The United States is one nation whose policy in regards to GMO food genuinely concerns me. I wish I lived in a nation where I had more confidence about the quality of our food supply. Instead I suspect that regulatory capture of the relevant federal agency (the Food and Drug Administration) by corporate interests that have absolutely no real concern for public health is going to cause us more problems in the future. I don't want to have to wonder if animal and plant genes have been spliced, tinkered with, modified and mutated for the purpose of somehow creating better food for me. From what I know the science of such genetic modification is not sufficiently compelling to be giving corporations like Monsanto the type of latitude they are given with respect to their influence. Can a corporation be inherently evil? I have to wonder.
Yes I realize these reflections may seem overly gloomy but I simply cannot help myself. I feel it's a miracle I survived to this point in my life. Between stories of gun violence (which now seem to be a daily occurrence in our national life), GMO foods, the GOP attempting to use the full faith and credit of the United States as a bargaining chip in its attempt last year to destroy the Affordable Care Act, the ongoing bizarre weather and the like I cannot help but wonder what is happening to our nation. How did we reach this point? The surrealism of events I hear about makes my own personal awakening sound almost trite in comparison.
It's rarely been boring to be me. This has been true in the past. And I plan to have an excited life in the future...eventually.
I finally have a good clinical term to describe something that I had been unknowingly experiencing for so many years. The phenomenon is called derealization. I spoke about it last night when I met with my therapist. It's a little strange to wake up after thirty years of living in a less than fully conscious state of awareness. But then again I hear of people who spend their whole lives essentially 'asleep at the wheel' only to awaken in their last days, weeks, months or years of their lives to the 'real' reality that they have not really experienced the world as it actually is...or was. I feel grateful I will apparently not be such a person (unless I die in the relatively near future). But the process of recovery is still a long one. And sometimes it feels quite arduous.
As I look around at the world I feel myself a bit split between reflecting on the past and living in the present moment. When I recently chronologically organized correspondence within my family of origin dating back to 1970 I discovered some letters that I couldn't remember previously reading. I unexpectedly made some rather interesting discoveries.
Among the correspondence I looked through was a statement addressed to my father at our home address that was postmarked June 11, 1982. This was eight days after my father was shot and nearly murdered...by a teenager no less. The statement was a notification informing my father that my biological mother had been hospitalized within the state of Texas. It's a little surreal when I realize that both of my parents were essentially hospitalized for a time in 1982. I wasn't even nine years old and I had already endured nearly losing both of them...one to mental illness and the other to domestic violence. It's no wonder I developed a 'touch' of PTSD.
I feel a lot of grief now because I simply cannot easily remember any of the daily moments of my life in that summer I was eight years old. I cannot recall the details of what I did for my ninth birthday in September, 1982. My memory seems to be a virtual blank until late 1983.
I certainly cannot blame that on being too young to remember. Eight years old is much, much too late in childhood to not remember due to being at too early of a developmental stage. I cannot really remember what happened that summer and I think it must be partially due to the fact that there was so little joyful events to actually remember. And that blackness causes me grief now thirty two years later.
I will get through the grief one day. I am convinced of that. I am simply too dedicated to my own life not to heal in good time. As for now I try my best to look at the beautiful green trees outside. I venture out in the pleasant evenings when possible to enjoy what it is like to look at the world with clear perception. I am still growing familiar with what that feels like. It has taken quite a while to get here. But at least I am here.
As for the United States of the present day I have to admit to feeling as if I am awakening from one nightmare only to discover what seem to be storm clouds on the horizon of our country's future. Here are two examples as to why I feel anxious. Eric Cantor was soundly defeated by a virtually unknown and unfunded candidate last night. Anyone who knows me well knows I have no love loss that Eric Cantor has been dethroned. I think the man epitomizes the worst of the greed, recklessness and stupidity within the Republican Party. And yet hearing that a Tea Party identified candidate won only makes my stomach churn more. My second example comes from the realm of food. I brought some cereal with me to work this morning. The back of the box addresses the issue of GMOs in our food supply. The United States is one nation whose policy in regards to GMO food genuinely concerns me. I wish I lived in a nation where I had more confidence about the quality of our food supply. Instead I suspect that regulatory capture of the relevant federal agency (the Food and Drug Administration) by corporate interests that have absolutely no real concern for public health is going to cause us more problems in the future. I don't want to have to wonder if animal and plant genes have been spliced, tinkered with, modified and mutated for the purpose of somehow creating better food for me. From what I know the science of such genetic modification is not sufficiently compelling to be giving corporations like Monsanto the type of latitude they are given with respect to their influence. Can a corporation be inherently evil? I have to wonder.
Yes I realize these reflections may seem overly gloomy but I simply cannot help myself. I feel it's a miracle I survived to this point in my life. Between stories of gun violence (which now seem to be a daily occurrence in our national life), GMO foods, the GOP attempting to use the full faith and credit of the United States as a bargaining chip in its attempt last year to destroy the Affordable Care Act, the ongoing bizarre weather and the like I cannot help but wonder what is happening to our nation. How did we reach this point? The surrealism of events I hear about makes my own personal awakening sound almost trite in comparison.
It's rarely been boring to be me. This has been true in the past. And I plan to have an excited life in the future...eventually.
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